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Colby Rasmus goes by the nickname Razz or Razzle-Dazzle, which should make him a favorite here at Razzball, but there’s something pricky about him that I don’t like.  Might be the name, Colby.  It sounds like a total douche name, like a character’s name in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.  (Speaking of douche, I have two things to say.  First, I went to the original Dollar Store the other day.  No, not some weird field trip.  Like, “Hey, honey, you wanna go check out the very first Dollar Store? There’s tours at 12 and 2.  Oddly enough, not at 1.”  I was walking by it and I went in to grab a Gatorade.  The store was extremely small and there’s a giant one across the street.  So I ask them why don’t they close up this stankhole of dollar-priced items.  They tell me it’s the first store ever.  Yeah, it’s a real historic landmark.  Put up a plaque and add this to the World Famous Skyline Tour.  “On the right is the Hollywood Sign.  On the left is where they sold the very first discontinued-candy-that-might-get-you-sick-but-at-least-it’s-only-a-dollar.”  So what do I see in the dollar store, besides the aforementioned discontinued candy?  Summer’s Eve Douche.  I tell you this because I’ve been trying to think of what kind of woman buys douche at the Dollar Store for three days now.  I want you to be scarred too.  So there.  Okay, second thing, doesn’t it seem like the word “douche” should have an accent?)  Anyway, the real question is, will Colby Rasmus have any fantasy value in 2009?

Okay, I lied.  The real-real question is, will Rasmus win the starting job in 2009 for the Cards?  He might.  In February of 2008, the Cards GM said Rasmus will be in the majors in 2008.  A funny thing happened on the way to The Gateway to the West.  Rasmus sucked down a big bottle of Mediocre in the spring of 2008 and then went down with a knee injury in July.  He skipped out on winter ball, choosing to do his own strength and conditioning program (Beer and German pretzels?).  The good news is his knee should be healed in time for the spring of 2009.  Rasmus still has the skills of someone who can run, homer and strikeout with the best of them. To give you an idea of what to expect, if you’re showing Colby Rasmus and the dealer shows Krispie Young, that’s a push. His value could go up in the April, if he leaves spring training with a starting OF job.  In NL-Only and keeper leagues, you should pursue Colby Rasmus right now as a late round sleeper.  In mixed leagues, wait to see if he has the job in spring training.  If he does, then you should be buying in too.

  1. big o says:

    so , did you buy a bottle , or not ?
    don’t think there’s an accent , unless you’re going to sword-fight with it .

  2. Petr says:

    On a related note, there is no such thing as a douche BAG. I wonder where/how that term originated.

  3. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:

    @Petr: Funny you should ask…

    This post was 100% solid gold chuckles.

    What kind of woman buys Summer’s Eve at a Dollar store? A woman who wants to remain fresh and thrifty, that’s who. BTW, Sarah Silverman calls it a douche “nozzle,” for your future reference.

    While reading this post, I spit out half a bottle of discontinued Caffeine Free Pepsi Limelicious that I purchased this morning from the 99 cent store (which, in case you were wondering, is the first 99 cent store west of the mississippi, and can be found in many guided tours of downtown des moines).

    I’m underwhelmed by Rasmus after watching him for four games this past summer in Des Moines. I’d be shocked if he was productive in the majors until 2010 or so.

  4. Grey

    Grey says:

    @big o: Of course! Nothing says stocking stuffer like a bottle of douche.

    @Petr: I think you’ll find two explanations above. Razzball, where no douche question goes unanswered.

  5. Scott says:

    wow, File these comments under “Too Much Information”

  6. Freak says:

    Uh…so someone tell me how to unlock the greatness from the Curve.

  7. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Freak: That’s what she said!

  8. Steve says:

    @Freak: didn’t the store set it up for you?

  9. Doug says:

    You are one hysterically funny writer…write a book or for SNL. That first paragraph had me laughing embarassingly loud and alone i/f/o my comp

  10. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Doug: Thanks!

Comments are closed.