“Get in a line, and limp.” That’s the master of ceremonies at the latest calfalcade. Chase Headley has a Grade 1 strain of his calf. Grade 2 or higher would be a cow. Semantics, perhaps. He’s supposed to be out for two to (stutterer!) three weeks. I’ve dropped him a couple of spots in my top 20 3rd basemen for 2014 fantasy baseball and my top 400 for 2014 fantasy baseball. Probably if he was in Coors for his home games, coming off a 30-homer season and/or whispered in my ear sweet nothings about Giancarlo, I wouldn’t have moved him in my rankings at all. However, he’s in Petco, coming off a 13 homer season and any reason to not mess with a Padre is good enough for me. You say confirmation bias, I say keep your Psych 101 terms and Headley. To give you a present day example of another player with a calf strain who I’m not currently moving in my rankings: Josh Hamilton. If this were the 2nd week of March, I’d re-rank him, but he’s got time to heal or get injured worse. I’ll be monitoring Hamilton like a cyclops with a monocle. Anyway, here’s what else has been going down in Spring Training for fantasy baseball:
Nelson Cruz – Signed with Baltimore. Member when he was Nelson Cruz Jr.? You think Nelson and his dad had a Prince/Cecil Fielder-sized blow out? Or did Nelson Cruz pull the smallest Giancarlo-type name change? “Hello, media, I never wanted to correct you before about my name, but there’s no Jr. My dad’s name is Billy.” Any the hoo! Nelson Cruz’s value doesn’t change in Baltimore. He’s a solid number two outfielder when healthy, but since he never stays healthy, he’s a solid number three.
Trevor Rosenthal – Left his workout yesterday with a mild groin strain. He says if it were during the season, he would’ve played through it and just had some hottieboombalottie ice his groin for him.
Michael Wacha – The Cardinals said they won’t put him on an innings limit. No word if they were crossing their fingers when they said it.
Jaime Garcia – Headed to see Dr. Freeze. That’s the bad news. The good news is this is his tenth trip to see him and his full stamp card indicates he gets a free MRI!
Jason Motte – From the files of ‘There Can’t Be Any Jason Motte News Since He Just Had Tommy John Surgery Last May’ comes news he could be back as early as this May. The files of ‘I Told You There Would Be Jason Motte News’ is feeling especially smug today.
C.J. Wilson – Got hit in the head during BP. First, the gulf oil spill, now this. Damn you, BP! *Craigslist intern whispers in my ear* Oh, batting practice. Wilson said he was fine and walked off the field under his own power. People say I’ve been hit on the head one too many times because I come up with ideas like pants that go up to your armpits, which would eliminate the need for shirts, so if great ideas like that is what Wilson has to look forward to, I say he’s one lucky duck!
Nate Jones – Threw a bullpen session and is on track to be the White Sox Opening Day closer. His picture looks a bit like Bobby Jenks if Jenks had lost 175 pounds and Jones baffles hitters with the best of them. I will call him Bobby Sphinx. Sphinx is only get pub from me now because I drafted him to be my closer in my first draft of the year. C’mon, Sphinxy!
Johan Santana – He pitched in front of multiple teams to see if anyone wants to sign him and he topped out at 81 MPH. Start working on the knuckler, Johan!
Jhoulys Chacin – Went for an MRI, and it revealed a shoulder strain and inflammation. He could be fine, but he pitches in Coors and he strikes out less than The Fonz in Milwaukee. I’ve adjusted my top 100 starters for 2014 fantasy baseball accordingly.
Matt Kemp – Having a routine MRI on Friday to see if he’s ready to spit, grab his crotch and stand in grass. Okay, they said the MRI is to see if he’s ready for baseball activities, but you catch the drift.
Jurickson Profar – So far, the Jurickson store has not opened due to tendinitis in his right shoulder. I haven’t moved him in my rankings, because, well, he’s not a pitcher. If his shoulder soreness lingers deep into March, then I’ll start to rethink how ‘far I wanna go.
Justin Smoak – Mariners are saying Smoak will be the team’s 1st baseman as long as he performs. The real question is what they consider performing. Has he performed at any point in his career? If they answer yes to that, then he’ll be the team’s 1st baseman. That puts Corey Hart and Logan Morrison at DH and a corner outfield slot. Playing the field is just what that duo knees.
Nick Franklin – Mets and Rays are talking to the M’s about a potential trade. That would be very awesome, so no one would steal any at-bats away from my cuddlebear, Brad Miller. What, I’m putting it out in the universe, it’s The Secret. You want me to do a friggin’ vision board?
Jesus Montero – Showed up to camp 40 pounds overweight. He blamed it on being cast this offseason in the stage production of the Dallas Breyer’s Club.
Cole Hamels – Making ‘tremendous progress’ with his shoulder injury. Neighborhood people say ‘you have to try the veal scaloppine,’ but it’s ‘too loud for a conversation.’ Damn, gotta stop getting my injury news from Zagat’s. I haven’t moved Hamels since the injury news started coming out, because I already had him crazy low in my rankings and have said I don’t plan on drafting him anywhere. Shoulder issues don’t make me want to change that.
Mike Minor – Just started throwing due to an operation he had in the offseason on his urethra. And I just crossed my legs. What did the doctor do, make Minor’s minor major? Have his skullcap put back on? I always thought if any pitcher would have a urethra operation it would be Mike Leake. The Braves don’t think his urethra operation will cause him to miss any regular season starts. Maybe now girls won’t accuse him of throwing spit balls.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Vying for the Mets 5th rotation spot. It’s gonna come down to John Lannan, Jenrry Mejia and Dice-K, i.e., crap, crrap and Krap.
Ruben Tejada – This made me laugh. You know how everyone’s always in the best shape of their life in Spring Training? Well, the Mets reported Tejada looked “pretty much the same.”
Ike Davis – He announced that last year he hid an oblique injury from the Mets. Well, it is called oblique.
