True Story Alert! Socrates Brito used to pause the Diff’rent Strokes credits for Dana Plato’s title card and would argue with the screen, calling himself a Socratic method actor. This drove his family crazy. For many years I’ve spouted off like Tom Selleck’s sprinkler the need to ignore spring training stats. You should only concern yourself with injuries and position battles. With that in mind, Brito is winning a position battle with Yasmany, leaving Yasmany baffled, “Do you people just want an outfielder with a long-flowing beard? Is that what this is about? What’s the argument for Socrates? Am I making an argument for Socrates by annoying you with questions? Is this table still blue to a blind person?” In the top 80 outfielders, I added in Socrates into the Brendan Dassey tier. Appropriate that he’s in the Brendan Dassey tier because if there’s any justice, there will be Socrates. In Double-A, Socrates had nine homers and 20 steals, and Yasmany looks to be headed into the same Cuban abyss as Rusney Castillo and that guy that played Tony Montana’s buddy, Manny. For 2016, I gave Socrates the projections of 56/7/47/.264/18 in 410 ABs, and if your league counts arguments with Plato, he has added value. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Jhonny Peralta – Will miss up to three months with a ligament tear in his thumb. When he learned he tore his ligament, Peralta started throwing things around the clubhouse. It’s common to have these kind of laments over one’s ligaments, and all ‘ments, in general. It’s called ‘toids rage. When witnessing ‘toids rage, it is often said empathic bystanders give a licorwince. I dropped Peralta in my top 20 shortstops for 2016 fantasy baseball and updated his projections. There’s a chance now that Gyorko could be the starting shortstop until July, to which I say, “Stop Gyorko’ing my chain!” I can’t, in good faith, suggest anyone own Gyorko unless streaming him against a lefty. Greg Garcia and Aledmys Diaz should also see time at short. I don’t expect much from either; Aledmys is the Cuban Descalso and Greg Garcia is the creator of Yes, Dear and Raising Hope.
Pedro Alvarez – Signed by the Orioles. You know how in Tropic Thunder Tugg Speedman overdoes his characterization of Simple Jack? With that in mind, the Orioles just went Full Softball. Trumbo was one piece I could get behind. He has power, decent middle of the order bat, can go first to home in 24 seconds after chugging a Michelob. Chris Davis has great power, middle of the order bat, can go first to home every eight at-bats while striking out in the other seven. J.J. Hardy once had power, can’t hit otherwise. My darling Schoop has power, and if walks were peanuts, he’s allergic to peanuts. Adam Jones once took a pitch. Once. Wieters is the greatest catcher, ever according to Keith Law, and can go home to first during one of three months he can stay on the field. All in all, the O’s have approximately six DHs. So, naturally, the Orioles sign the most athletic of free agents, Pedro Alvarez. I already went over him in my top 20 1st basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball. Nothing changed with this signing. He’ll face righties and DH, assuming five of their other six DHs can stay on the field. As the Dalai Lama once said, playing at a position is for people practicing the Kama Sutra.
Carter Capps – Went to see Dr. James Andrews. Do you need to know more? Of course he’s headed for Tommy John surgery. Dr. James Andrews has Mazeratis to buy and g-strings to stuff with hundreds. What’s my luck, you ask with those inquisitive eyes. Out of all the guys I could’ve drafted in an NL-Only league, I took Capps and Jhonny P. Ah, yes, it’s all coming together, if you were to hold ‘it’s all coming together’ up to a mirror to signify its inverse.
Scooter Gennett – Has shoulder tendinitis. I’m beginning to think he’s going to go in the failed prospect bin of former Brewer, Mat Gamel. I’m not moving Gennett yet in my top 20 2nd basemen rankings, but he’s close to moving into a Don’t Draft tier, and I’m going to administer some Scootie shots.
Ryan Braun – Expected to begin playing games the third week of spring training after having back surgery. Brewers said that so far he’s “responded well.” I emailed him, “Take some more PEDs, you POS,” and he didn’t respond at all, so I’m not sure how they’re defining ‘well.’
Keon Broxton – According to the Brewers beat writer, Keon’s ‘making a strong push’ for the center field job. The beat writer then flashed a peace sign and drove off with Dennis Hopper. Effin’ beatniks! If this were 2007 and Jim Bowden were still roaming the front offices with a Segway, Broxton would be a Bowden fluffer and considered the next Lastings Milledge. Sadly, Lastings Milledge is now roaming Japanese retro record shops for Mobb Deep EPs. As they say in Home Depot, Broxton is toolsy — 15 homer power, 25 steal speed — but may hit .205.
David Wright – Expects to be ready for the season. Him and Braun together have seven chiropractors, six physical therapists, five…golden rings that they can’t lift, four calling birds they can’t lift, three french hens they can’t lift, two turtledoves they can’t lift and a partridge and a pear tree that they can’t lift.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Was shut down for two weeks with a patella strain. Fun fact! Patella is also the third most popular female name in India. Wilmer Flores and Ruben “Chase Utley Sandwiched My Legs” Tejada will fill-in. I still wouldn’t draft any of these guys and haven’t changed them in the top 20 shortstops, but Wilmer could be a nice endgame flyer in deep leagues for the first couple of weeks of the season.
Jarrod Parker – Left a game with a fractured elbow. Sounds like the GOP. Maybe Cruz and Kasich can broker a victory for his elbow.
Lance McCullers – Battling shoulder soreness. I really hope the news meant to say ‘battling non-throwing hand pinky finger soreness.’ One could confuse a shoulder with a non-throwing hand pinky finger, right? Not to answer, but to form a prayer octagon and pray with me. Only good news that I can gather from this is I haven’t drafted him in any leagues yet. That, admittedly, is only good news for me. Right now, there’s still time for him to recover, but I’d be lying if I said this didn’t scare me off him a little. To get excited again, he’d need to say quickly, “I’m fine, Grey, stop worrying.” And, since we’re not on first name basis, I don’t think he’s going to say that. In my top 40 starters, I haven’t moved him yet, but as soon as McCullers gets shut down, I’m going to drop him a good twenty-five starter spots.
David Freese – Signed by the Pirates. As I said in my top 20 3rd basemen update, “(Freese’s signing) gives the Pirates five role players for two positions. To quote Michael Morse, ‘That’s beeping crazy.'” And that’s me quoting me quoting Morse! This signing also meant the end of my excitement for Alen Hanson in the top 20 2nd basemen. Freese’s signing puts Hanson on ice. *high-fives self* Ow, my hand!
Jered Weaver – Due to a degenerative spine condition, his fastball was topping out at 80 MPH in his last spring training start. His baseball career may be near its end, but his Ultimate Frisbee career could just be starting.
Alex Wood – Mild forearm injury. Ah, yes, mild, right. Kinda like ‘he’s mildly dead.’
Corey Seager – Dodgers reported “all looks good” with Seager’s sprained knee. Such optimists these Dodgers. I wonder what good they would find to report back after accidentally Googling “Alabama hot pocket.” Don’t Google it yourself! Seriously, don’t. This is not a joke. Though, the more I forbid you from Googling it, the more you want to, right? Okay, but don’t. You’ve been warned. Unless you’re the Dodgers’ front office, they can find anything positive to say. For now, I haven’t moved Seager in my rankings, because he has plenty of time to get healthy and back on the field, but, of course, I’m concerned.
Madison Bumgarner – Will miss a start or two of spring training with neuroma in his foot and rib cage pain. A neuroma feels like a pebble is under your toe, which WebMD says, “Don’t try to skip your toe across a pond.” Good advice, I say. This sounds fairly minor, but, as I said in my top 20 starters, I’m not drafting Bumgarner anyway.
Ryan Zimmerman – Still battling plantar fasciitis. For Ryan Zimmerman, I could’ve said “still battling (fill-in ailment)” every day for the last five years and it wouldn’t have been inaccurate.
David Hernandez – Dealing with elbow soreness. Sounds great for a closer. *watches as his career does a Triple Lindy into Dr. James Andrews’s office* I have Edward Mujica stashed in one league and Luis Garcia is slotted into the handcuff role on some depth charts. In the bullpen, there’s also Ernesto Frieri and Andrew Bailey. Basically, they’re just missing Bob Wickman to fill out the Ghosts of Past Kazaams.
Aaron Altherr – Out four to six months with wrist surgery. I removed him from my top 80 outfielders. In his place should be some combo of Cody Asche (when healthy; has a oblique strain) and Tyler Goeddel. So we lose one sleeperr for an ex-sleeper and Goeddel, who I believe was Hitler’s number two. Or maybe it’s Hitlerr, in this example. Goeddel is actually an interesting name for NL-Only leagues and crazy deep mixed leagues, because he’s a Rule 5 pick, which means he has to stay with the Phils all year, and, last year, he had 12 homers and 28 steals in Double-A. Granted, Hitler’s number two has some contact problems, which also sounds like a turd that won’t flush.
Charlie Furbush – Was shut down after feeling discomfort. This Furbush update feels like a callback to the Alabama hot pocket.
