LOGIN

IFFB, how can I explain it
I’ll take it frame by frame it
To have y’all all jumping, shouting, saying it
I is for the in, F is for the field, F is for the fly, don’t be the scumbag guy
The last B, well that’s very simple

Okay, I’ll stop now. That was my feeble attempt to pay homage to NAUGHTY BY NATURE. Damn, I feel old now. GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN!!!

What’s IFFB? If you just Googled it…and enjoyed what you saw, then I don’t know what to tell you. I just got you to Google it huh?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Gingerphobia is the fear, dislike, or hatred of people with red hair. If every red head looked like Carrot Top, I’d probably have gingerphobia myself. Fortunately, my ex-girlfriend looked like this.

It is said that 1-2% of the world’s population has red hair, so it makes sense that many would have some apprehension toward people with MC1R, the gene for red hair. For some, the experience of first contact was probably how the Native Americans reacted when they saw the first Europeans. If that doesn’t jive with you, then imagine how your first extraterrestrial contact will be. Personally, I didn’t even notice the color of my ex-girlfriend’s hair. In fact, I just now noticed that she had any hair on her head at all.

So why am I rambling about MC1R and Carrot Top for this week’s Bear or Bull? Because…..as much as we live in our fantasy baseball bubble…or mom’s basement….the outside world…aka…society…aka….people…still play a huge part in perceptions of players, ADP, etc. And where there are people…there are biases and values start popping up like magic mushrooms in the “?” box.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Image result for toddfather

When the Gotham City Police Department turns on the Bat-Signal, Bruce Wayne ceases doing whatever gagillionairres do and dons his costume and rushes to where he is needed. When that fine girl you “daydream” about finally texts….Ok, let’s not get ridiculous here. Crime fighting Batman I can wrap my head around, but that? No way. When ANY girl texts you for that booty call late at night, you immediately take off all your clothes and Uber your ass to wherever she is. When Grey asked for me in his Top 20 3rd Basemen for 2017, what do you think happened? You got it. I took off all my clothes and sent for an Uber. By the way, Grey could of just emailed, texted, or called me, but Commissioner Gordon could’ve beeped, texted, or called Batman, rather than use a specially modified searchlight to project a symbol into the sky that can’t be seen if Bruce Wayne is not looking into the sky. Ya heard? So with that said, in honor of this off-the-cuff piece, here is this week’s musical interlude.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Image result for new tv season

Ren & Stimpy. Beavis & Butt-head. Laverne & Shirley. Will & Grace. Tom & Jerry. Sanford & Son. Rizzoli & Isles. Franklin & Bash. Hollywood has always had a fascination with highlighting the relationship between two. It makes sense. The world is dualistic in nature. Yin and Yang. Good versus Evil. White and Black. Whatever the reason, that is what the people enjoy and, whatever the people enjoy,  is where the money flows to. The world is such a simple place. With the inaugural baseball Bear or Bull article coinciding with the beginning of the new television season, I thought it would be appropriate to pay homage to the famous pairings of TV past and bring you pairs on a weekly basis. I am a person of the people after all. Honestly, Jay, my editor and top-10 fantasy football ranker, asked me to talk about two similar players every week. That wouldn’t make for an interesting open though. So with that said, until the regular season starts, you shall be blessed with a double shot of Bear or Bull every week!!! Who doesn’t like a 2-for-1? Well, I usually do except when that one owner offers up Kenta Maeda and Jacoby Ellsbury for Mike Trout every week. EF that guy!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In the offseason, you did your due diligence and formulated opinions on players. After that exhaustive process, you selected the worthy few and enshrined them in your “fantasy display case.” These are the players that you knelt down and prayed to for fantasy glory. After an arduous five month journey, many of those gods have forsaken you. What you must do now is beckon the Faceless Men-a guild of assassins that are servants of the Many-Faced God. If you don’t know these references, then… If you really don’t know, Google Game of Thrones…Many-Fa…Who am i kidding? Either you know them or you don’t. The point is that it’s all about accumulating stats at this point. Don’t get caught up in the name or the fame. The waiver wire, which is the Many-Faced God for you now, will provide plenty of anonymous assassins to help you.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s late at night. You’ve got about a half an hour before the bar closes. This is when s@#! gets real. Are you desperate enough to go home with anything that walks? Animals included. Are you content to pleasure yourself? Did you hookup the night before? Do you just want to hit up Taco Bell and pray to the porcelain god? We are approaching that time in the fantasy baseball season. Many of trade deadlines will be here, so things about to get real son. Prepare yourselves.

In this weekly column, I highlight some lower-owned players that performed well over the past week. Whammies are no good. Obama making it rain is muy bueno. Watch old episodes of Press Your Luck if you are not familiar with whammies…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s that time of the week again boys and girls. Time of the week, not time of the month you adsfasdfsaf;kjh!!!! Random tangent in 3…2…1…When we are young, we can’t wait to get old, yet when we get old, we yearn to be young. When it’s that time of the month for women, they can’t wait till they don’t have to deal with that anymore, yet when they don’t have to deal with that anymore, they yearn for that time of month to appear. Or maybe not. I guess if I knew that for real, that’d be a problem. Whatever. I just wanted to post my favorite GIF…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Y’all miss me? Of course you did. My Tony Robbins’ tapes keep telling me to be positive. For those that care…thank you kind sir in the back. Oh, you’re just smelling your armpit? I was at LegoLand. An amazing place. The patience and dedication required to build those structures are legendary. Kind of like our fantasy teams. We’ve toiled and perspired for months constructing our teams. Now, we are in the end of days. A month left in the regular season for a chance at fantasy immortality. Don’t be this guy.

In this weekly column, I highlight some lower-owned players that performed well over the past week. I will help you navigate the fantasy landscape and steer you clear of those pesky whammies. If you are not familiar with whammies, please go watch old episodes of Press Your Luck.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I hate the All-Star break. There are no games to watch, no games to bet on, no DFS, and no accumulating stats for fantasy. My life is empty and meaningless, except for the wife and two kids thing. The worst thing about the All-Star break is the All-Star game itself. That one game exhibition, in which no one tries hard, determines home field for the World Series? Seriously? How the F-ing, F did someone think that would be a good idea? Even my tree-puffing, shroom-eating self would have thought that was a bad idea. Want to make the All-Star game competitive? Make contracts non-guaranteed, like in football, for the losing squad. I bet we’d see some epic battles then. This article was written and submitted prior to the All-Star game, so if it was an epic, competitive game, spam the MLB front offices with your approval.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hope you all had a Happy Fourth of July holiday. USA! USA! USA! There are two sides to every coin, though. Imagine how England has felt for the past 240 years? It’s gotta be ten times worse than how I feel due to the Dodgers trading Pedro Martinez for Delino DeShields back in 1993. If you still can’t feel the pain, then imagine Draymond Green kicking you in the nuts. These vomit-inducing scenarios are what it feels like when contestants landed on a whammy in the gameshow Press Your Luck. What I try to do in this weekly column is highlight some of the lower-owned players, that performed well over the past week, and steer you clear of those whammies. Without further ado…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We have a special guest host this week. Marky Mark ladies and gentlemen! I enjoyed watching Entourage and The Italian Job. I forgot about the Marky Mark days. Now, I won’t be able to watch anything Wahlberg-related anymore. To honor the douchey-ness of the above picture, all whammies this week will be Marky Mark pictures.

Why bestow Marky Mark the honor of hosting this week’s No Whammies!? Because there are so many similarities between Mark Wahlberg (Marky Mark) and Mark Reynolds of the Colorado Rockies. Terrible segue, I know. Just like that POS vehicle that mall cops ride around in. I digress.

Please, blog, may I have some more?