It’s late at night. You’ve got about a half an hour before the bar closes. This is when s@#! gets real. Are you desperate enough to go home with anything that walks? Animals included. Are you content to pleasure yourself? Did you hookup the night before? Do you just want to hit up Taco Bell and pray to the porcelain god? We are approaching that time in the fantasy baseball season. Many of trade deadlines will be here, so things about to get real son. Prepare yourselves.

In this weekly column, I highlight some lower-owned players that performed well over the past week. Whammies are no good. Obama making it rain is muy bueno. Watch old episodes of Press Your Luck if you are not familiar with whammies…

I hate the All-Star break. There are no games to watch, no games to bet on, no DFS, and no accumulating stats for fantasy. My life is empty and meaningless, except for the wife and two kids thing. The worst thing about the All-Star break is the All-Star game itself. That one game exhibition, in which no one tries hard, determines home field for the World Series? Seriously? How the F-ing, F did someone think that would be a good idea? Even my tree-puffing, shroom-eating self would have thought that was a bad idea. Want to make the All-Star game competitive? Make contracts non-guaranteed, like in football, for the losing squad. I bet we’d see some epic battles then. This article was written and submitted prior to the All-Star game, so if it was an epic, competitive game, spam the MLB front offices with your approval.

Hope you all had a Happy Fourth of July holiday. USA! USA! USA! There are two sides to every coin, though. Imagine how England has felt for the past 240 years? It’s gotta be ten times worse than how I feel due to the Dodgers trading Pedro Martinez for Delino DeShields back in 1993. If you still can’t feel the pain, then imagine Draymond Green kicking you in the nuts. These vomit-inducing scenarios are what it feels like when contestants landed on a whammy in the gameshow Press Your Luck. What I try to do in this weekly column is highlight some of the lower-owned players, that performed well over the past week, and steer you clear of those whammies. Without further ado…

We have a special guest host this week. Marky Mark ladies and gentlemen! I enjoyed watching Entourage and The Italian Job. I forgot about the Marky Mark days. Now, I won’t be able to watch anything Wahlberg-related anymore. To honor the douchey-ness of the above picture, all whammies this week will be Marky Mark pictures.

Why bestow Marky Mark the honor of hosting this week’s No Whammies!? Because there are so many similarities between Mark Wahlberg (Marky Mark) and Mark Reynolds of the Colorado Rockies. Terrible segue, I know. Just like that POS vehicle that mall cops ride around in. I digress.

Hope all you dads had a Happy Father’s Day. I’ve got a question. How do “they” decide the actually holiday dates? Is there a town hall meeting? An internet poll? Is this why we cage monkeys so one can be selected to throw darts at a board? Is there any rhyme or reason to it […]