I’m in this charity fantasy football tournament that names all the divisions after bands, and I was gifted my first choice for a division: The Cure. Actually, I wanted Periphery or Devin Townsend, but nobody knows about them, so they don’t get divisions. But now, I’m playing for the symbolic championship of the band that made the greatest album ever: Disintegration. Yes, I have heard BTS. Yes, their chicken nugget sauce is tasty. No, their albums are not great. Yes, I like Korean music and moisturizing face masks and bulgogi pizza. ENYWHEY. Grey’s never listened to Disintegration, and if you’ve got time today, stop by his post and give him hell for that. For all the rest of you, let’s get to the news and a bit of self-reflection on the rankings so far! 

Grey awoke, pulled off his Mare of Easttown footie pajamas, and changed into his typical work wear: a T-shirt of himself. He walked to the mirror, inspected the graphic print on his T-shirt (making sure to do a quick comb of the decal mustache), and walked away. There were things to do today! After all, today was Monday.

Wait, what? Monday!? Had he slept right through Sunday and missed FAAB? Where was the weekend recap? Did anybody update about Cody Poteet? Grey opened his Blackberry, closed all the Lycos windows, and went straight to his AOL sign-in. [email protected], he typed in, hoping there were some updates. But the mailbox was filled with coupons for inferior tea companies promising coconut pearls to replace the dearly departed boba…wait…that was it! Like a Celine Dion 90s hit, it was all coming back to him now. He tossed the Blackberry aside and went to his walk-in pantry, flinging the doors wide.

Inside, Donkey Teeth lay passed out, his head resting on bags of tapioca starch. We did it! Grey thought to himself. We heisted the boba! He cackled gleefully to himself, stepping back into his kitchen and closing the pantry as DT mumbled, “Grey…”.

Why yes, Grey thought to himself, That’s the reason I’m so excited today: RazzPearls! He went to his Blackberry and loaded up Allreceipes.com, ignoring the multiple e-mail notifications from Cram It and Ante. Daddy needs his pearls! Grey cackled as he scrolled through the recipes. Then, a knock at the door. “Open up, customs agents!” voices announced. They don’t have a no-knock warrant, I’m safe for now, Grey thought. A text appeared on his Blackberry, this one from EverywhereBlair: Grey, why aren’t you at the drop-off zone? Is DT alive?” It was quite the mixture to be in. What was more important — RazzPearls or DT? And how did he get Mare of Easttown pajamas so quickly? Why didn’t he remember the heist? Find out next week as we continue the saga: Earl of RazzPearls!