Paul Deux Dong

April 20, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 513 Comments

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Around The Lou, Paul DeJong is colloquially known as Colonel Mustard, the Land Marshall, who is both dignified and dangerous who always rolls second. Or, uh, *counts the spots in the lineup* sixth. Yesterday, Colonel Mustard (2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs) did it with a baton on the back of a miniature horse while riding through our nation’s capital. “Onward tiny chap!” The Colonel coaxed his horsie, not a pony, many people make this mistake, around the bases not once, but twice. His fourth and fifth homer-jaunts around the bases in this too-early-to-be-called-a-season season. Will the Colonel Mustard continue to *pinkie to mouth* musquerade as an All-Star General or will his dong-ability be more of a lowly private? A tiny horse, of course, can carry him to 30 homers, and a .250 average easily, and I won’t hear any neighs. My condiments to the Colonel. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Nola Goes Holy On STL And Permits No Cardinals In

April 19, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 496 Comments

by: Grey

*counting puffs of smoke out of a chimney* “One…two…Mama mia! It’s two puffs-a smoke-a!” An Italian boy rides his bike through The Vatican, swerving around bishops, priests and nuns. Finally, the Italian boy skids to a stop, tosses his bike down and runs into a chapel. Inside, he runs up to the altar, where a priest wears a DraftKings cap. “Father, they held the Cardinals to two hits?” “Holy See……….t!” There’s about 40 top twenty starters. Does that mean there’s 40 top 20 starters? Not exactly. There’s 40 starters who could sneak into the top 20 starter conversation. Then there’s about 20 starters who could sneak into the top 10 starter conversation. Then there’s about ten starters who could be a top five starter. Finally, there’s about five starters who could be the top starter. Aaron Nola is in that last group. Yesterday, Aaron Nola went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.19, solidifying himself as a 10+ K/9, 1-something BB/9 ace. Holy See……….t, indeed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Participate In A Kelenical Trial

April 16, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 426 Comments

by: Grey

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)

I remove my Christian Door glasses, an offshoot of Christian Dior I was told, to study the side of the colonic box. Reading the instructions, “Take two of these pills, drink sixteen cups of coffee, place yourself on top of your toilet, flush every three minutes until you no longer hear the sound of Niagara Falls.” Hmm, interesting, I ponder thoughtfully, as I’m known to do. Then I say to the pharmacist, “What if instead of streaming out my butt, I’m streaming out of my outfield?” He points towards waivers, where there’s a Kelenic. Excellent, a holistic treatment! My hippie mother will be happy to hear it! Jarred Kelenic is up…Dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot…Now? Okay, was trying to stall, but he’s coming up any day now. You need to grab him in all leagues. I see he’s at 48% rostered, and he should be at a hun’dit. He could be a top 20 outfielder this year. We’re talking a guy who could be 24/17/.280 in five months. Otherwise known as what you want from Randy Arozarena. Side note: What’s funny is I wrote the preceding, then went to look at what I wrote back in November, and here’s November Grey, “What if I were to tell you Jarred Kelenic could be next year’s Randy Arozarena? I’m kidding, it’s just funny to overhype some guy by comparing him to a guy with, like, twelve games played. But, seriously, would Randy Arozarena 2021 interest you? Still joking. Kelenic has bigger power than Randy. Blasphemy! But it’s true.” And that’s me quoting me! Get this Kelenic in your system and stop streaming. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Dystopia Averted In The Haniger Games

April 16, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 425 Comments

by: Grey

Yesterday, across a doubleheader, Mitch Haniger went 3-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. After the arduous eighteen months that Mitch Haniger went through, it’s great to see him get in touch with his inner dong. If only someone would smack him on the butt to get it to poke out again. Now, now, that must be refreshening for Haniger, like a swim in a cool pond on a warm day, something he embraces since he no longer has to worry about shrinkage. Yesterday, was the first time in 18 months Haniger’s had any luck with hangers. Haniger’s had less luck with hangers than Joan Crawford’s kids. Okay, okay, OKAY! Enough! You’re liable to get Haniger testy, in theory at least. As for fantasy, meh, who am I kidding, I just wanted an excuse to razz him. If he stays healthy, he’s a solid number three outfielder. Too bad to stay healthy, his front side needs to look like the M’s new closer. Ya know, a Kendall. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Carlos Rodón The No-Hit Train

April 15, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 546 Comments

by: Grey

Immortality smells of Chucky Cheese because that’s what Carlos Rodon was throwing last night. *wavy lines* Chyron: A Few Days Ago. “Skip, I don’t think I can go. I mean, I can go…But not like that.” It was Tuesday, and Carlos Rodon had an upset stomach, unable to pitch, but what he was really doing, what no one knew at the time, he was getting out all the runs he had in him. *wavy lines* Chyron: Present Time, uh, Yesterday. Early in the game, Rodon was working a slider, but not darting it hard and high and past people. The Clevelanders were making contact. Struggling, weak contact, but it was there. Then, as the game progressed, Rodon began to get as loose as the buttons on his jersey, and the high Chucky Cheese began to whip past hitters. He was feeling it. By the end of the 8th, a perfect game within his grasp. Strikeouts began to pile up, and 98 MPH Chucky Cheese hitting the upper quadrant of the zone. One out in the ninth on a close play at first, then Roberto Perez dug his left foot in, but he dug it in too much! An offspeed pitch in the dirt hit him. How is it not in the unwritten rules rulebook for Perfect Games that a guy can be hit in the 9th to break one up? So, Rodon’s final line: 9 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at zero, and give him the AL Cy and let’s stop playing games. He’s always struggled with command in previous years, and I don’t think we can say those problems are completely in the rearview, but you never know when a guy turns the corner. The stuff, as they say, is there, so, yes, I’d pick him up in all leagues just to see if this isn’t a complete fluke. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Shohei Shohei Shohei, How You Do That Trick?

April 14, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 494 Comments

by: Grey

The bomb to right-center, his fourth homer of the year, wasn’t even the most impressive thing Shohei Ohtani (3-for-5, hitting .364) did yesterday. He beat out a single to short with a sprint speed of 29.5 ft/sec. That’s the 5th best Sprint Speed this year, just a bit better than Ronald Acuña Jr. Uh…*looks around for forty-five minutes, looks back*…Is anyone else seeing this? Can Acuña, serious question, also throw 101 MPH and have an under 2.00 ERA? Yo, is Shohei Ohtani really Roy Hobbs? ACKCHYUALLY If you had Roy Hobbs hit a 460-foot homer, beat out a grounder to short and pitch 101 MPH speedballs, you’d be like, “I appreciate the love story, and the friendship he built with the cross-eyed bat boy that he saved from a burning supermarket, but the baseball stuff isn’t believable in this movie.” Ohtani is not believable. That’s it. He’s one of the best baseball players ever, tools-wise. Truly not believable how good he is at each tool. Unfortch for fantasy, the Angels insistence on him pitching is hurting his overall fantasy value. Sorry, I’m not being a giant idiot. I mean, I might be a giant idiot, but not in this case. You miss a game or two each week as a hitter, and your stats are going to suffer. Hopefully, he has three months’ worth of Rich Hill blisters and can’t pitch all year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The More Ynoa

April 13, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 515 Comments

by: Grey

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Did you know Huascar Ynoa signed as a 16-year-old, when he was likely 10 years old, because the Braves scout players when they’re in Latin American T-ball? “The kid throws 97 as an 8-year-old, we might want to throw $500 his family’s way so he signs with us for twelve years.” That’s a Braves scout. By the way, according to prospect grades, Latin American T-ball is comparable to Double-A. If Huascar would’ve held out, he would’ve been a 1st round draft pick and everyone would be crazy about him. Ya know? Yeah, ya know Ynoa. He’s on the list of the top ten velocity increasers this year, up to 96+ MPH on his fastball, and he has two pitches — an 85 MPH slider is the other. Both are wipeout, bye-bye, ‘say hello to your mother for me’ type pitches. Yesterday, he had the most Ks for a 22-year-old Braves pitcher since 2013 (Teheran), going 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.75. With two pitches, he could get some mileage around the league once, twice, three times a Ynoa, or be out of the rotation in a few weeks. Absolutely would grab him in all leagues to see if he can keep it up each time around the track.

pic.twitter.com/dS1OxnHv5Z

— Razzball (@Razzball) April 7, 2021

Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

JDM’s X’s Beat The Baltimore O’s In Tic-Tac-Tater

April 12, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 504 Comments

by: Grey

“Just Dong Just Dong Just Dong Just Dong Just Dong…oh, and Just Dong. Then, when you get tired, and wanna go home, Just Dong some more.” That was the guy who hired Quasimodo to ring the bell at Notre Dame. It was also the Red Sox yesterday. Leading the Red Sox yesterday in the Just Dong parade of Just Dongers was none other than, you guessed it, Just Dong Martinez (4-for-6, 4 runs, 4 RBIs), who hit his 3rd, 4th and 5th homers, as he hits .472. Hey, Preseason Grey who hated J.D. Martinez, you suck. Always seem to get myself in trouble when I try to time the end of guys’ productiveness, rather than just going with guys until they’re no longer liable. Whit Merrifield and Nelson Cruz come to mind, too. So, I trust Just Dong now, right? Well, no, not entirely, but I also can’t point to any reason not to trust him, so process of elimination tells me, he’s a younger version of Nelson Cruz. Call him Nelson Dongz. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Buy Baddoo (Looba A Womp Bam Boom)

April 9, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 569 Comments

by: Grey

Yabba Dabba Baddoo! Big Bad Baddoo Daddy! He’s a Baddoo Baddoo man! Who? Akil Baddoo, that’s who who. Whatchu gonna doo doo when Akil Baddoo comes for you you? You you have no answer because Baddoo makes the rooroo-ules. Don’t you you see see I’m Greybot3000 and and I am am malfunctioning…please oil my joints. Steam pours out of Greybot’s ears, slowly he falls over and puns mutter out onto the floor. Yikes, I might need a mechanic. So, Tigers have Grossman, the two outcome player leading off, then it just gets progressively worse until the 9th place hitter and Andre 3000’s ex namleganger, Baddoo. If I’m the Tigers, I’m staying the hell away from Joe Exotic, and I am not leaving Baddoo in the nine hole. Let my man sink or swim, and move him up to the three hole. He might be a hot schmotato, but he had a year at the tender age of 19 in Class A, where he hit 11 homers, and stole 24 bags. He’s never struggled with strikeouts, and actually could have a .360-ish OBP. With a 55-grade power tool and 60-grade speed, you might just sneak into a 25/20/.260 guy. Whatever the case, I grabbed him everywhere. Now let’s put on our pinstripe suit, patented leather shoes, and watch Big Bad Baddoo Daddy swing with their hit song, You & Me & Baddoo Makes 3. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

White Sox DH Garage Sponsored By Mercedes-Baines

April 9, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 278 Comments

by: Grey

I’m still not convinced Yermin Mercedes isn’t a LARP. Or a Transformer. His name really is Yermin Mercedes? Just out here with a name that sounds like a German saying German Mercedes? And he doesn’t wear a Mercedes emblem around his neck like Flavor Flav? Is this real life or a simulation? The White Sox lost Eloy and just randomly found a guy who can do exactly the same? Right, right, okay, so the story I heard about one fantasy baseballer hearing the news of Eloy’s injury while on the Mercedes-Benz factory tour and crying onto a C-Class, and that transforming into Yermin, was a lie? I don’t hear lies, I hear truths! So, Yermin Mercedes went 2-for-4 and hit another home run (2nd) yesterday, and has basically done what we would’ve hoped for from Andrew Vaughn in our wildest dreams. But can it continue? Ah, excellent leading question! Yes, Yermin can hit .550. No! Of course not! He does have a solid hit tool (can hit .280) and good power (20-ish homers). The moment he slumps and Vaughn hits (it’ll happen — hopefully for my teams) Yermin will be on the outside, while Vaughn moves in. There is a chance Mercedes could hit 25 homers/.280, which is essentially Trey Mancini-type projections, so he’s worth rostering for now. tl;dr: Mercedes goes vroom, vroom, make room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Strasburg Goes Carpal Diem And One-Hits The Braves

April 8, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 534 Comments

by: Grey

Yesterday, Stephen Strasburg went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks. And, um. That’s roughly one-thousand percent surprising. Take every cat that’s every jumped out of a closet in a movie and put ’em together and you have a catomic bomb of shock and it’s less shocking than how well Strasburg pitched. Take the “I see dead people” twist and put it in The Crying Game “ding dong” twist and that’s nowhere nearly as surprising. Take a surprise party where the guest of honor has a heart attack and you have something, okay, about that surprising. Yet. Dot dot dot. Still don’t trust Strasburg. If you have him, then I wish you well, but it would not be me. Now I’m simply second-guessing whether or not my fears were for naught. By the way, try to say “naught” without sounding like you’re in a movie in South Boston with Ben Affleck. You simply cannot. “Where’s my munchkins?” “I went to Dunkies and they were out.” “Naught?” “Naught.” See what I mean? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Washington Finally Gets Started Shy A Few Coronats

April 7, 2021 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 423 Comments

by: Grey

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It seemed like a nothing move at the time. Just a transactional move that people would forget about within hours, if not minutes. Just ten days ago, the Nats announced they would be demoting Carter Kieboom. Then, before leaving town, Carter Kieboom watered down all the hand sanitizer. Now Patrick Corbin, Yan Gomes, Josh Bell, Brad Hand (ah HA!), Will Harris, Josh Harrison, Alex Avila, Jon Lester, Jordy Mercer and Kyle Schwarber are all on the IL, as the Nats recalled Luis Garcia and Kieboom. “Kieboom goes my flight to the minors!” That’s Carter Kieboom as he mixed a cocktail of Palmolive and Capri Sun into the hand sanitizer bottles. “These stupid straws!” That’s Kieboom struggling to get the juice out of the plastic-metal pouches. Wow, Kieboom is not being very stealth. So, it sucks if you had Hand, Schwarber, Corbin, Bell…Well, the guys there you might’ve had. Hopefully, they all return shortly. For all these moves, the only guy I grabbed in leagues was Tanner Rainey, who might now get saves, but Daniel Hudson is also there, so that’s a crapshoot too. “All these crapshoots and I should clean my hands…Hey, why does this soap smell like tropical punch?” Off to the side, snickering, “More like Crappy Sun!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Author: Grey

Read some of Grey's 4911 posts

Paul Deux Dong

Nola Goes Holy On STL And Permits No Cardinals In

Participate In A Kelenical Trial

Dystopia Averted In The Haniger Games

Carlos Rodón The No-Hit Train

Shohei Shohei Shohei, How You Do That Trick?

The More Ynoa

JDM’s X’s Beat The Baltimore O’s In Tic-Tac-Tater

Buy Baddoo (Looba A Womp Bam Boom)

White Sox DH Garage Sponsored By Mercedes-Baines

Strasburg Goes Carpal Diem And One-Hits The Braves

Washington Finally Gets Started Shy A Few Coronats