Arizordan Diamontgomery

Don’t want to get all emotional but today begins the best six months of your life, except for the last Opening Day, and the Opening Day before that and the Opening Day before that, not the Opening Day before that though, we don’t talk of that Opening Day anymore. That was the worst Opening Day. Before we take this journey together like two rats wearing goggles in an old fighter plane careening through injured baseball players, we have one last preseason update. You know the guy who shows up late to class but still aces the test? Let’s hope Jordan Montgomery is that guy and not the one that shows up late, kicks his feet up on the desk and presses a button in his leather jacket that makes farting noises. JoMo’s HomeHome will be in the desert with the DBags. The top 500 was updated yesterday for the last time, and the 2024 fantasy baseball rankings are locked and loaded! Now, bring on the games when your first round pick goes down with an oblique injury that will knock him out for one to seven weeks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this Spring Training in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! One further ado, this season’s first Buy/Sell is now available on our Patreon. It will be posted here on Friday and early on the Patreon all year, so sign up for that. Anyway II, the roundup:

Paul Sewald – Hit the IL with a Grade 2 oblique strain. Grade 1 is a strain that “wets bed and says shizz like, ‘Daddy loves me because he buys me gummy worms,'” Grade 2 is more severe. Brutal news here for Sewald’ers. That’s you if you roster him. Great news for Ginkel’ers. That’s people who roster Kevin Ginkel. Prolly was clear without explanation, huh? Updated the top 500 and Bullpen chart is updated by JKJ, who had eye surgery, so take it easy on him and don’t say ARGH! like he’s a pirate.

Jordan Lawlar – Out for a couple of months after rupturing his UCL trying to pick up a ball. Did someone paint stitches on a boulder?

Matt McLain – Had surgery to repair his labrum. Once that’s busted, you can’t repair it. I saw that in a disturbing doc about forced marriages–[intern whispers in ear] Labrum is in the shoulder? Oh, I see. Yeah, McLain is cooked. At least for this year. He was removed from the top 500. Bummed I didn’t publish my Jonathan India sleeper back in December when I wrote it, but it’s in my heart, and yours. He’s a Buy.

Jared Jones – Made the Pirates’ Opening Day rotation. I said this the other day with Cowser, but you have to wonder how it feels for Jones to make the rotation when Skenes is clearly better and sent down. It’s like, “I’m good but not good enough to hoodwink into manipulating my service time? What the hell?” I’m fine with the flyer on Jones; do I 100% trust him? Not even 25%, but we’ll see. That’s what flyers are for. (A lesser known Dionne Warwick and Friends song when they were watching hockey and were inspired by the Flyers.)

DJ LeMahieu – Hit the IL with a foot bruise. Tarantino would rub it out for you.

Jon Berti – Acquired by the Yanks. Wonder if the Yanks know something about DJ’s foot that we don’t know yet. If Berti is hitting leadoff for the Yanks, I like him a ton more than LeMahieu. Do I like Berti in a vacuum? Not really, and how do we get out of this vacuum? I have allergies.

Ricky Tiedemann – Will start the year in the minors. Yeah, of course, because he’s going to be excellent. Great system MLB’s got here.

Dylan Carlson – Was run over by Jordan Walker, which sounds downright delightful. Is there somewhere I can sign up for that? So, Carlson hit the IL and is replaced by the guy who should’ve been the center fielder to begin with:

Victor Scott II – Will make the team. Is that…Victor [crowd goes wild] Scott [crowd loses their shizz, falling over, foaming at the mouth] the Second! Victor Scott II will be in Friday’s Buy column, but why wait for that? If you need steals, get involved!

Bryan Woo – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Sounds very un-Woo-like. More like Bryan Boo. He had this last year and only missed 18 days, so it might not be as bad as it sounds. Yes, he was updated in the top 500.

Dominic Canzone – Four months ago, I asked some team people to see what they thought of playing time situations for their teams. My M’s guy said Canzone would be their left fielder, and I have to say, I didn’t believe it. Teach me to doubt team guys. The Team Guys know things we’ll never know! Nah, for real, it’s not important to know everything, you just have to know where to ask for the things you don’t know. Canzone has the best hit tool of the “super iffy back end of the M’s lineup.” Just an AL-Only guy for now, but worth putting a monocle on your cyclops for mixed leagues.

Garrett Mitchell – Out with a fractured hand. Garrett Mitchell remains a Not Ready For Primetime Player. Looks like Frelick is moving back to the outfield and Joey Ortiz has playing time again. Or at least should in theory. Never really made sense to me how they traded for Ortiz and then decided not to play him.

Kevin Gausman – His velo was up in his last outing. It might feel like you’re gonna wish you took that Gausman discount when he was dealing with shoulder fatigue, and maybe you will, but it’s also a six-month season and he’s not exactly topping out at 95 in mid-September by throwing 50 pitches in March.

Max Stassi – Hit the IL with hip inflammation. Max stasi is German for maximum security prison, and he plays for the White Sox, so infer what you want.

Jordan Leasure – Made the White Sox Opening Day roster. You know musical chairs? That’s what the White Sox did with seats on their team bus. Music stops, that’s the roster. I kid; Leasure might get saves, since he pelts them in there 97 MPH.

Miguel Sano – Made the Angels’ Opening Day roster, which is funnier than anything I could write. He did show up slimmed down to make it harder to say he can’t hit his weight.

Jordan Romano – Will start the year on the IL. With elbow inflammation? No way! But I was told Romano could throw cheese with the best of them. [Italian waiter at table with a grater side-eyes me] Yimi Garcia is about to save 25+ games this year, isn’t he? Yimi-ki-yay! Bullpen Chart is updated.

Niko Goodrum – Traded to the Rays. Giving Goodrum to the Rays’ manager? Oh, crap, that’s a Cash bar.

Mike Yastrzemski – Will be away for the first weekend of games for the birth of his child. The soon-to-be-named Carl’s Jr. Jr. Jr.