Baseball commissioner, Rob Manfred, took the podium yesterday and said, “Whether it’s the speed of the game, popularity of the game — as indicated by TV ratings — the amount of open-handed palm grabs of a crotch or spousal abuse, we will not become the NFL. For better or worse, the number seven is indivisible under God and so are we!” And with that, Our Man Fred suspended Aroldis Chapman for 30 games. Trying to stay positive, Aroldis commented that he would not appeal the suspension but that “I am very glad I can still own a gun; I am getting married, after all.” One of the top closers takes a huge hit in value, I knocked him out of my top 100 for 2016 fantasy baseball, and took him down in my top 500. His auction value dropped from $20 to $9. Hopefully, he can make up lost salary with endorsements for Smith & Wesson and as the opening act for Smif-N-Wessun. A double threat of new income! Andrew Miller received a slight boost, as well. There’s also a long shot scenario that the Yankees are comfortable with Miller in the ninth, when Aroldis returns, and Chapman becomes the world’s best setup man. Before you scoff, you scoffer, it’s not like Miller isn’t good. Gun to my head, I’d draft Miller in any league. Unless it was Aroldis’s gun, then I’d politely ask him who he wants me to draft and tell him I’ll happily marry him. By the by, in just a few short years, Aroldis has been caught leaving a woman tied to his hotel room bed, choking a woman and firing gunshots. It’s no wonder this is his new Topps baseball card. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – Also facing suspension for spousal abuse. Right now, he’s conferring with his attorneys on what exactly constitutes a “love tap.” Our Man Fred said he’d deal with Reyes after the Hawaiian courts were done with him. If he gets Judge Kaaa?aaaan?aaa?aaaan?aaa, Reyes could be in trouble. If he manages to get Judge Illiepuuua’uuuua’uuuua, then he could receive a lighter sentence. I updated the top 20 shortstops for 2016 fantasy baseball. As I said there, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss half the season, so be careful about drafting him. As for this moving up Trevor Story’s projected promotion, I don’t believe that’s going to be the case. The Rockies are playing for nothing, and will likely go Cristhian Adames until at least June. A setback for sleeper seekers and lispers everywhere.
Ian Desmond – Signed with the Rangers to play left field. I kinda love this move from a fantasy perspective, but there’s potential danger. If Desmond hits .180 in April, as he’s capable of, then he could be platooned or straight benched. Before I was on the fence about drafting Desmond in mixed leagues, but now I could see it. Look at Grey growing. Not like that! Gross! I also updated him in the top 20 shortstops.
Dexter Fowler – Re-signed with the Cubs. I went over this move in yesterday’s podcast, so out of fear of upsetting PETA, I won’t beat this dead horse. This Fowler move turns the knife real slowly into Jorge Soler’s value, as I updated in the top 60 outfielders. I’m holding out hope that the Cubs will deal Soler to the Rockies for Jon Gray and another piece, but the Cubs appear to be collecting outfielders like your grandmother collects concert videos of Wayne Newton. “I think Wayne’s plastic surgery looks very natural and I would like to throw my panties at him.” That’s your grandmother ruining your appetite.
Jeremy Jeffress – Brewers manager, Craig Counsell, said Jeffress will be out a few days with a hamstring issue. At least I think that’s what he said, Counsell was holding the microphone way above his head in this funky stance. Only matters because I currently have Jeffress as the lead Brewers reliever for saves. As of right now, that remains the same, but he can’t miss a ton of spring games and stay in the lead.
Carter Capps – Already dealing with shoulder issues. To make this specifically about me, I just drafted Capps in an NL-Only league. Yay early drafts! I had A.J. Ramos as the lead closer in Miami, and this obviously just reinforces that. Fun fact! Ice Cube calls this guy Carter With My Bop Gun.
