Once, long ago, magic flowed through my brain, producing works of literary phenomena on my trusted and secure Mac Book Pro. These fingers worked more proficiently than Amber Rose’s as she brought Kanye West to orgasm through thorough butt-stuff. It’s been said I was the Vivaldi of fantasy sports writing, so what, you might ask yourself, caused me pull a Nicolas Cage and go from Oscar winner to Oscar Pistorious? Was it the drugs? I suppose that could have played a small role. Was it because my star has yet to rise amongst this plethora of d*ck-limping writers out in the fantasy sports universe? It gets to me, I cannot lie to you my goodmen (and women). But that never stopped me before… hmmmmm, what could it be? What else, but a woman! She told me I “sucked the soul out her butt”, but somehow I was the one who ended up empty and lifeless. What could I do but grovel on the jagged and frigid flooring of the cell she would lock me in at night after pleasuring her? Her juices were literally the only nutrients supplied to my once ripped body. Crippled and weak, I managed to escape one night while she was catching a Friends marathon on Netflix, breaking, nay, slithering out a fourth story window, where I began free-falling to what I believed to be my certain death, only to fall in the back of truck filled with black market Cialis packages. I snorted one, and immediately gained the strength to return to Beddict manor in order to regain my strength. Still, I lacked the motivation to write……

Oh wise and powerful Elder Gods, I am on my knees, begging you to remove these chains of bondage from all my appendages, for I am lost and the goodmen of Razzball desire the old Beddict. I’m no longer entertaining, creative, insanely handsome (okay, that’s a lie), or knowledgeable about fantasy sports. Wait! Hold on, I feel something! Even now, as I type these very words, I can feel the Elder blood beginning to pulsate within my veins, bubbling like Mt. Vesuvius, moments before it’s eruption! F*ck this, 2016 is mine, and I dare any mortal to step in my path!

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! TAKE HEED!

 

First basemen I expect to delight us in 2016…

Jose Abreu – Yeah, 30 homers and 100 RBI is super cool… if you’re a post-roiding Jason Giambi, but not if you’re an elephant-dong packing, home run hitting savant like Abreu. I’d be shocked, I repeat, SHOCKED, if this Cuban God doesn’t park at least 45 with 120 ribbeys in 2016. Adding Frazier to the lineup will only provide him with more protection as they morph into the new age bash brothers. We all remember Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, back when they were injecting elephant gun sized syringes into their rippled buttocks? My goodmen, those were the days!

Lucas Duda – Reminds me of this woman I dated; We spent an eventful and meaningful summer together, with things kind of dying down like a fart in a tsunami once winter came, much like Duda’s 2015 season. Still, we had hope that we would rekindle what we once shared for the upcoming summer instead of the stagnant, missionary-sex lifestyle we had now grown accustomed to. After a few months of watching porn together, we were humping like Pit bulls, a crow bar necessary to pry me out of my precious crater, and I truly believe Duda is fully capable of regaining his 2014 form, especially with Cespedes in the lineup for the entire season.

Ryan Howard – Just kidding.

Byung-Ho Park – I was one of the few that truly believed in Jung-Ho Kang (HE WAS MY FIRST ASIAN!) translating his power over into the big leagues, and I’m not one to toot my own horn, but, please, feel free to lather my dong with Chipotle mayo and suck me from the back. I feel the same way about Ho. He’s not cho Ho, he my Ho! STEP OFF! Even with Minnesota’s ballpark being more cavernous than Lisa Ann’s butthole, I’d still expect a minimum of 25 homers and 85 RBI. I meeeeeean, he’s hitting behind or in front of Sano, the Elder blessed sultan of swat, so please, just sit back and witness history.

Anthony RizzoCubs lineup is going to be filthier than Lindsay Lohan’s condo after a six month coke binge, and I fully expect Rizzo to have an MVP caliber season because of it. That’s right, I believe Rizzo should be a first round pick this season and I challenge you to say otherwise. I smell 40 dongs… not dicks, but home runs.

Adam Lind – Can you say 60 bombs and 155 RBI? Aaaaahkay, now take the square roots of those numbers and you’ll get Lind’s final season stats… That’s probably a little harsh, and hey Beddict, this is the god damned Delight section you nut-less mongrel, so what the fuzz are you doing? Sorry, I’m in a strange place in life where basically the only one I talk to is myself. I apologize. Please send more drugs. Either way, I like Lind to repeat his numbers from last season with possibly higher RBI totals if he plays every day as this Mariners lineup. Lind is highly underrated, trust me.

Chris Carter – Hmmmmm… Chris Carter in 2016 had my curiosity. Put this massive creature in Miller Park? Now you have my attention. 30 bombs, minimum.

Domonic Brown – I think, maybe, maybe if, maybe if we move him to first base he’s got a real shot, or… Never mind.

C.J. Cron This is a guy who has 30-40 homer potential if he plays every day and there’s not many guys going late in the draft you can say that about. The Angels will need every bit of it if they plan on being anywhere close to being relevant. Their offense has gone from Leo DiCaprio to Nicolas Cage, seemingly overnight.

 

First baseman I expect to Disgrace us in 2016…

Freddie Freeman – This year, The Braves have a lower percentage of making the playoffs this season than a black dude does of winning an Oscar. Freeman’s power numbers have been coming up shorter than a midget at a urinal, and I for one will not be touching him anywhere near his ADP.

Adrian Gonzalez – Ranked 48th overall on ESPN… No spank you. I’m an upside guy, and this old legend is due for a down year. It seemed like he hit 20 homers the first two months of the season and then returned the doubles and singles hitter he has evolved into since they began drug testing. I’m all for value with veterans, but A-Gone is going far to high for my taste… I have exquisite taste if you were curious.

Matt Adams – Fat Splattum’s placement here is more due to his past failures than what I believe he is capable of, but it seems he’s just a platoon player at this point in time, and for a guy with this much ability, that’s more disgraceful than the fact Justin Bieber was blessed with a bigger stick than I, the Elder blessed fantasy God. Say one thing for the Biebs, say he serves these models tube steak with reckless abandon.

 

Thank you for joining me for my first Disgrace/Delight column of the season. I will now, like George Michael at a highway rest, be going through these groups of men at breakneck speed. Prepare yourselves, for it’s about to get funkier than a bum’s pair of drawls. Picture me trollin’ trollin’ trollin’…

 

 

Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Beddict143.

 

  1. Sherlock says:
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    Great article. I in fact had intended to avoid those guys. Keeper question. I have been offered Kluber $4 and Mikiel Franco $4 for Bogearts $6 and Conforto $2. Asking in terms of value not knowing my teams needs. Thanks.

    Standard 6×6 espn w/QS and TB. I’m thinking Kluber will be top 10 and Franco Pos top 5 3rd even in weak lineup. Thanks

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Sherlock: no shizzzzz, Sherlock! For value I believe that to be a very interesting trade offer you’ve received. not saying I would pull the trigger 100 percent but i’d lean that way. Glad to have you, my goodman.

  2. Adam says:
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    What do you think of Pujols this year? Is he gonna be healthy? Is he gonna hit above .250?

    • Sherlock says:
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      I think 32 dingers 260 is fair

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Sherlock: Sherlock is on to something. SOMEBODY, CALL WATSON!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Adam: i dont think he’s healthy. buuuuuut, that didnt stop him from blasting off heavy last season. Last i heard, he’s going to miss some time and if it nags him it could be devastating with numerous DL stints. I’ll give him 30 dongs and a .248 avg. he’s one of the greatest hitters of all time so a higher average would not surprise me whatsoever but the injuries have robbed him of his natural swing. im not targeting Pujols

  3. JoeG414 says:
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    Thoughts on Belt , Santana , Hosmer , Bour in a 6×6 roto ?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @JoeG414: I like all these guys for the most part. Ever since Hosmer let me down immensely the year everyone thought he was going to blow up I’ve never touched again and probably never will. My hatred for him is however not enough to place him in my disgrace column. I like Santana to bounce back and go off this year. thats more of a gut feeling. I just believe in the guy.

      I feel like Bour is underrated and the Marlins lineup is as well, so Bour could have solid season. would not want him to be my main first basemen but pretty solid upside. Belt will eat. Which one of these guys do you have? I need to know what’s going on here

      • JoeG414 says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:
        Not yet drafted.
        Looking at the first three as middle round picks and Bour as a later one.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @JoeG414: I like Belt a lot and in the prime at 27 years of age. Hosmer should technically be in his prime as well. Santana has hit a pathetic .231 for two straight years, and tho I believe he will hit above .250 this year, the other two are safer options. Santana might have most upside of all tho

          • JoeG414 says:
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            @Tehol Beddict:
            I really like Cron this year too , as a later pick. And will be keeping an eye on Park’s spring numbers.

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @JoeG414: yuuuuup, Cron dyke bar is gonna park 30 plus

  4. Bunt Holes says:
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    Wow. That. was. Awesome.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Bunt Holes: The. Gods. are. with. me. this. year.

  5. DisEnFranchised says:
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    Great article! Love the j/k on Howard and NM on Brown. Very funny.

    I think Duda’s underrated but he still seems streaky. Maybe with Cespedes as a threat he could be more consistent. Although that might mean Cespedes has to show he can be consistent too. The mistake I thought the As made by not keeping him was that his presence in the lineup affected the pitches the lineup saw so it seems possible that Duda does return to 2014 form.

    That’s the only one I am on the fence with in your article.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @DisEnFranchised: id rather you be on the fence with one of my picks than sending me hate mail. Let’s do lunch

  6. Ralph says:
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    Mock Draft on Yahoo standard 5×5

    Followed your pitcher pairings as best I could and wound up with:
    T. Ross
    S. Matz
    W. Chen
    J. Ross
    A. Nola

    F. Rodriguez RP
    D. Storen RP
    J. McGee RP

    I used the War Room to test it out, but it’s pretty much telling me my pitching is not good. Where did I go wrong?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ralph: As in Razzball’s pitcher pairings? I haven’t done much reading this season as of yet so im not positive about what you’re referring to. that’s an interesting staff to say the least. I’m not sure that i’d feel comfortable with it. With that being said, there’s some high upside guys there and I can work with that. Id like to have ONE hog up at top unless you’re strategy is to wait HELLA late on pitching

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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      @Ralph: I will draft old school style because all that war room shizz and pitcher pairing stuff got me nowhere in RCLs in 2013 and 2014.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Wallpaper Paterson: are you 50 yet, Mr. Patterson? HOW ARE THINGS?

        • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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          @Tehol Beddict: I am not 50. I can do head-to-head just fine. It is pesky roto that I cannot do well in so I will draft while drinking with a fantasy mag in front of me.

  7. Zeus says:
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    I agree with most though you forgot Trumbo.

    By the way if you’re looking for a new actress, check out CeCe Capella. Enthusiastic equestrian

    • Ralph says:
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      @Zeus: I think you replied to my comment instead of posting your own

      • Zeus says:
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        Heavens to mercy. I’ve broached Internet etiqutte. What will I tell people at the cotillion ball?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Zeus: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Ralph: is this Lipshitz?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Zeus: I will be looking into CeCe immediately. I do like a bounce back for Trumbo in that lineup. could hit 30

      • Zeus says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Baltimore has been a good place for reclamation projects. I can see Trumbo being a late source of power.

        As to CeCe. Face is more cute but body is killer and she has enthusiasm.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Zeus: thats all i need, Zeus, father of Hercules, slayer of races

  8. I am the Walrus says:
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    It’s reported as late as November that Belt still had dizziness from his concussion. Does that worry you much?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @I am the Walrus: jesus christ. is he suffering from Morneau syndrome aka gaping axe wound!!?! I cant take much more. yes, i suppose it does worry me

  9. Lville Jim says:
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    Reading the Blue Jays are seriously considering trading for Jay Bruce. Gotta help his value getting out of the Reds weak lineup and getting into Toronto’s. What kind of dongage do think he could do with a full year with the Jays? I just scooped him off the waiver wire about an hour ago.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Lville Jim: oh my gods!!!!! He will fuuuuuukin rake, bruh! bet that. 30 minimum

    • Zeus says:
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      @Lville Jim: more dongs than a George Michael bathroom party. So essentially 36

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Zeus: exactly

  10. bossmanjunior333 says:
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    Looking forward to taking you on this year in the RCL. Took on JB last year and finished 3rd. Oh well. Should be a fun season full of mystery, intrigue and lots of dick references.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @bossmanjunior333: JB is but a a hobbit compared to I, the white wizard. Come forth if you dare.

      • bossmanjunior333 says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        I’m going to have to work on my Tehol-esque trash talk.

        I’m going to beat you so hard you’ll be eating a bag of dongs out of a grain feeder bag while your grandmother watches. Not your grandmother that moved down to Boca Raton, not that one, she’s a sweetheart, but the one with early on set dementia. You know, with that wierd limp that she got “in the war.” The one who yells all those racist things from her front porch at small children and squirrels. Wow…I got way off track there. But the point is, your going down!

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @bossmanjunior333: incredible! when you first wrote to me, describing ur past duels with supposed razzball “elites” you had my curiosity. Now you have my attention.

  11. SonOfAPitch says:
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    Would you keep A-Gon with this roster?:

    Trout, Harper, Frazier, A-Gon, Heyward, Kipnis, Ellsbury, Seager, Reyes, Dickerson, Gattis

    Kluber, Carrasco Hamels, Tanaka, McCullers, Tolleson, Boxberger, Matz, Smyly, Garcia, Osuna, Siegrist

    Stats are 5×5 with HLDS and BB added. We also play positions rather for OFers (Heyward and Harper qualify at CF,RF)

    I’m thinking of keeping Trout, Harper, Seager, Frazier, Kipnis, Agon, Kluber, and Carrasco.

    Thoughts?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @SonOfAPitch: id probably keep Hamels or Ellsbury and possibly Heyward and Dickerosn over AGone. we can find you another first baseman, big dog.

  12. Chris says:
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    Thanks! If remember riight you were the one that said Handy man machado would do what he did. I’m not doubting you ever again! I’m getting Abreu you better be right ! LOL Carter and Lind should come Cheap. Duda hopefully will be reasonable along with Cron.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Chris: you do remember right. anytime im wrong on a player i remove a testicle. I have 3 left

      • Chris says:
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        Ni ce! Well in that case you gonna have other positions soon?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Chris: I’ll be hitting them all

  13. Kung Pao Panda says:
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    You’re already in midseason form, pimp!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Kung Pao Panda: We takin it to the top!!!! glad to have you here with me now in this time of joy

  14. FrankGrimes says:
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    hey fool let’s grab a bottle and get turn’t up tonight

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @FrankGrimes: FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!!!!

  15. Nehocstu says:
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    You are one scary dude…

    I will be closely observing all the watchtowers I pass from now on.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Nehocstu: I the 12th night of March, I will come for thee

  16. Snarky Anklebiter says:
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    Mmmm…chipotle mayo…so turned on right now.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Snarky Anklebiter: I knew it was ur fave? I’ll put some on my ankles

  17. Murray Craven says:
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    Would you stay away from Ryan Zimmerman this year?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Murray Craven: I always stay away from Ryan Zimmerman. always value there tho and potential steal if he EVER turns back into player he once was.

      Are you related to Wes Craven?

      • Robert says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        No, he’s just his accountant.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Robert: just as good…..but not really. Would have been way cooler if related

  18. Gordon $humway says:
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    He returns! Keep up the good work, good sir. i trust that youve had that 50 cent joint “I’m the man” on repeat for the past few months. If not then bow your head in disgrace! What is a dude watching on the tv with no game of thrones in sight?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Gordon $humway: You right sho nuff that new 50 joint is a straight banger!

      what have I been watching? Hmmmm, Black Sails, Billions, Walking Dead just came back on. Divinci’s Demons. ill keep thinking. havent had as much time for TV watching as of late.

      Read the 3rd book in red rising trilogy and now reading Mistborn trilogy. im a fucking nerd, b. #Gunit

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