Greetings! Welcome back, friends. As I noted last week, I will be hitting every position group over the next couple months of both players I believe will let us down and those who shall lead us to glory, with this week’s post focusing on First Basemen.
It’s nice to be back in a rhythm after I took a two-week sabbatical, living in the Batu Caves of Malaysia along with my chicken Beatrice. Malaysia was spectacular, but my real passion is my hobby: Fantasy Baseball! I could have lived out the rest of my days in those caves, roasting white-handed gibbons wrapped in King Cobra slices over the fire, while treating female tourists I’ve just bedded to stories about my dangerous and scandalous past on how I went from a male thong model to a fantasy sports writer for the greatest website every made…buuuuuut, I felt I had more to give this world before I disappear for good, so I come to you now, ready and willing to do my utmost to entertain you and maybe even help you with your fantasy baseball team. I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
First Basemen who will Delight
Chris Davis – Adderall is a hell of a drug, and it cost Crush a shot at assisting his Baltimore teammates on their quest for a World Series. Alas, the O’s couldn’t survive without his services, and decided to allow both Cruz and Markakis to walk in free agency. Who picks up the slack? I’ll give you a hint: He hit under .200 last season, has stunning green eyes, a rod with more girth than a rhino’s calf, and his name is in front of this paragraph in bold letters. An Adderall addict may have panicked at that question, thought they were being tricked perhaps, and done 20 minutes of research while simultaneously thinking about all their past failures, questioning the meaning of life, wondering why the thought of food is so revolting and wondering why, when they are able to stomach something they have to hit the bathroom immediately, and once on the porcelain lid they must now wonder why their manhood now looks like a micro-machine. [Jay’s Note: I have no idea what I just read.] Yes folks, Beddict is an experienced Adderall abuser and know all too well the side effects that come along with it. I’ve since turned to the Elder Gods, and haven’t touched the stuff for over nine years. STAY AWAY, I BEG OF YOU! Davis probably won’t ever hit .280 again, but batting between .240-.260 is definitely attainable. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s an optimist. We’ve always known the power was realer than “Real Deal” Holyfield, and I expect anywhere from 35-45 moon jobs in 2015.
Prince Fielder – Looking for a steal? Fielder is about to bounce back like Travolta after he did Pulp Fiction. Remember when the dude was left for dog meat and needed Look Who’s Talking movies just to pay the rent for his studio apartment in West Hollywood? I imagine his wife, Kelly Preston, was exactly like her role in Jerry Maguire, just unleashing both verbal and physical attacks on him each and every single night. Just witnessing that brutal truth could make a man impotent for the remainder of his miserable life. Quick thought: Travolta went on one of the more legendary runs of all time between 1994-1999, with the aforementioned Pulp Fiction and then Get Shorty, Michael (I really enjoyed this film), Phenomenon (another forgotten classic), Broken Arrow (CHRISTIAN SLATER!!!!), Face/Off (Nic Cage!!!), The Thin Red Line, Primary Colors (love this movie), and The General’s Daughter. Seriously, who’s ripped off this many classics in a five year span AND worked with both Cage and Slater???? I’m guessing no one.
Yes, the second video is strictly Nic Cage, even though I just wasted half an hour writing about John Travolta. So what? It doesn’t make it any less awesome. Annnnnnnnywaaaaay, I’d bet my left nut that Prince hits 30-plus this season. You should do the same. Come on, put your nuts up! I fully expect Prince to report to spring training in mid-season form, so just a hair under four hundo, bequeathing him with the power he needs to lead the AL in homers. Remember what “experts” were prognosticating for Prince after he was shipped to Texas? Me either, but I’m sure the projections were incredibly solid. Expect big numbers across the board this season.
First Basemen who will Disgrace
Victor Martinez – Lindsay Lohan has a better chance of winning an Academy Award than V-Mart does of repeating last year’s numbers. Grey, a man who saved me from a life of man-whoring, has Martinez slotted all the way down at 18 where I’ve seen him ranked all the way up as high as seven in some outlets. To me, it seems a tad irresponsible to believe a 36-year-old will repeat what was his best season in the Major Leagues. Yes, Grey and I are basically besties as we agree on everything. I don’t even need to look at his rankings to know that he has Domonic Brown in his top-10 overall this year. Seriously though, there is absolutely NO CHANCE of Martinez repeating his glorious 2014. But, as you well know, I’ve been wrong once or twice in my life, so anything is possible, so don’t go engraving my predictions about V-Mart on a statue in your front yard. On second thought, do it. I’m guaranteeing it! Kudos to this ancient warrior if he’s able to achieve the impossible. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Freddie Freeman – The Braves lineup is now messier than Khloe Kardashian’s drawls after midnight Taco Bell run. Why would opposing pitchers even give Freeman something even semi-decent to hit? Speaking of semis, two men I’ve been enamored with for quite some time, Jason Heyward and Justin Upton, who happened to have been sandwiched around Freeman, have been shipped out. This concerns me a great deal. Do NOT get it twisted; Freedie Free-ball is an excellent hitter. I just prefer to take someone I believe has a tad more upside in the 2nd round, which is where Freeman is expected to go as of now. Someone like, saaaaay, Domonic Brown? I’M KIDDING! For example, if Bryce Harper is there for me in the 2nd, I’m going there over Freeman, no question. Just grab someone like Crush, Prince Albert, or Fielder a few rounds later, pour yourself of Carlo Rossi Rhine, light up a beedi, and pat yourself on the back for a solid hour. And you know what? I just checked my superior, Grey the Elder God’s rankings, and what do you know? He’s got both Chris Davis and Prince Albert ahead of Freeman, whereas other outlets have Freeman ranked much higher. By the Gods, it feels wonderful being on the winning team. You see, this is why I chose to write for Razzball instead of anyone else. That and the fact that women/men literally throw themselves at the feet of all Razzball writers, like we’re a magical combination of Brad Pitt and Peter North. I am indebted to Grey and Rudy for life and a Beddict always pays his debts. Witness!
Non MLB Disgrace
The New England Patriots – Please stop cheating. That is all.
Thank you for joining me for another entry into the hopefully entertaining, Disgrace/Delight series. I’ll be writing next week’s post on Second Basemen poolside in Arizona, as I prepare for the Seahawks second Super Bowl win in a row. If you live in the area, hit me up. But remember, man-thongs only when we hit the club. As per usual, your questions and comments will be respond to below so please take some time out of your precious day and shoot me a line. Have a fabulous week and GO HAWKS!!