Greetings! Welcome back, friends. As I noted last week, I will be hitting every position group over the next couple months of both players I believe will let us down and those who shall lead us to glory,  with this week’s post focusing on First Basemen.

It’s nice to be back in a rhythm after I took a two-week sabbatical, living in the Batu Caves of Malaysia along with my chicken Beatrice. Malaysia was spectacular, but my real passion is my hobby: Fantasy Baseball! I could have lived out the rest of my days in those caves, roasting white-handed gibbons wrapped in King Cobra slices over the fire, while treating female tourists I’ve just bedded to stories about my dangerous and scandalous past on how I went from a male thong model to a fantasy sports writer for the greatest website every made…buuuuuut, I felt I had more to give this world before I disappear for good, so I come to you now, ready and willing to do my utmost to entertain you and maybe even help you with your fantasy baseball team. I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

 

First Basemen who will Delight

Chris Davis – Adderall is a hell of a drug, and it cost Crush a shot at assisting his Baltimore teammates on their quest for a World Series. Alas, the O’s couldn’t survive without his services, and decided to allow both Cruz and Markakis to walk in free agency. Who picks up the slack? I’ll give you a hint: He hit under .200 last season, has stunning green eyes, a rod with more girth than a rhino’s calf, and his name is in front of this paragraph in bold letters. An Adderall addict may have panicked at that question, thought they were being tricked perhaps, and done 20 minutes of research while simultaneously thinking about all their past failures, questioning the meaning of life, wondering why the thought of food is so revolting and wondering why, when they are able to stomach something they have to hit the bathroom immediately, and once on the porcelain lid they must now wonder why their manhood now looks like a micro-machine. [Jay’s Note: I have no idea what I just read.] Yes folks, Beddict is an experienced Adderall abuser and know all too well the side effects that come along with it. I’ve since turned to the Elder Gods, and haven’t touched the stuff for over nine years. STAY AWAY, I BEG OF YOU! Davis probably won’t ever hit .280 again, but batting between .240-.260 is definitely attainable. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s an optimist.  We’ve always known the power was realer than “Real Deal” Holyfield, and I expect anywhere from 35-45 moon jobs in 2015.

Prince Fielder Looking for a steal? Fielder is about to bounce back like Travolta after he did Pulp Fiction. Remember when the dude was left for dog meat and needed Look Who’s Talking movies just to pay the rent for his studio apartment in West Hollywood? I imagine his wife, Kelly Preston, was exactly like her role in Jerry Maguire, just unleashing both verbal and physical attacks on him each and every single night. Just witnessing that brutal truth could make a man impotent for the remainder of his miserable life.  Quick thought: Travolta went on one of the more legendary runs of all time between 1994-1999, with the aforementioned Pulp Fiction and then Get Shorty, Michael (I really enjoyed this film), Phenomenon (another forgotten classic), Broken Arrow (CHRISTIAN SLATER!!!!), Face/Off (Nic Cage!!!), The Thin Red LinePrimary Colors (love this movie), and The General’s Daughter. Seriously, who’s ripped off this many classics in a five year span AND worked with both Cage and Slater???? I’m guessing no one.

Yes, the second video is strictly Nic Cage, even though I just wasted half an hour writing about John Travolta. So what? It doesn’t make it any less awesome. Annnnnnnnywaaaaay, I’d bet my left nut that Prince hits 30-plus this season. You should do the same. Come on, put your nuts up! I fully expect Prince to report to spring training in mid-season form, so just a hair under four hundo, bequeathing him with the power he needs to lead the AL in homers. Remember what “experts” were prognosticating for Prince after he was shipped to Texas? Me either, but I’m sure the projections were incredibly solid. Expect big numbers across the board this season.

First Basemen who will Disgrace

Victor Martinez Lindsay Lohan has a better chance of winning an Academy Award than V-Mart does of repeating last year’s numbers. Grey, a man who saved me from a life of man-whoring, has Martinez slotted all the way down at 18 where I’ve seen him ranked all the way up as high as seven in some outlets. To me, it seems a tad irresponsible to believe a 36-year-old will repeat what was his best season in the Major Leagues. Yes, Grey and I are basically besties as we agree on everything. I don’t even need to look at his rankings to know that he has Domonic Brown in his top-10 overall this year. Seriously though, there is absolutely NO CHANCE of Martinez repeating his glorious 2014. But, as you well know, I’ve been wrong once or twice in my life, so anything is possible, so don’t go engraving my predictions about V-Mart on a statue in your front yard. On second thought, do it. I’m guaranteeing it! Kudos to this ancient warrior if he’s able to achieve the impossible. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

 

Freddie Freeman – The Braves lineup is now messier than Khloe Kardashian’s drawls after midnight Taco Bell run. Why would opposing pitchers even give Freeman something even semi-decent to hit? Speaking of semis, two men I’ve been enamored with for quite some time, Jason Heyward and Justin Upton, who happened to have been sandwiched around Freeman, have been shipped out. This concerns me a great deal. Do NOT get it twisted; Freedie Free-ball is an excellent hitter. I just prefer to take someone I believe has a tad more upside in the 2nd round, which is where Freeman is expected to go as of now. Someone like, saaaaay, Domonic Brown? I’M KIDDING! For example, if Bryce Harper is there for me in the 2nd, I’m going there over Freeman, no question. Just grab someone like Crush, Prince Albert, or Fielder a few rounds later, pour yourself of Carlo Rossi Rhine, light up a beedi, and pat yourself on the back for a solid hour. And you know what? I just checked my superior, Grey the Elder God’s rankings, and what do you know? He’s got both Chris Davis and Prince Albert ahead of Freeman, whereas other outlets have Freeman ranked much higher. By the Gods, it feels wonderful being on the winning team. You see, this is why I chose to write for Razzball instead of anyone else. That and the fact that women/men literally throw themselves at the feet of all Razzball writers, like we’re a magical combination of Brad Pitt and Peter North.  I am indebted to Grey and Rudy for life and a Beddict always pays his debts. Witness!

Non MLB Disgrace

The New England Patriots – Please stop cheating. That is all.

Thank you for joining me for another entry into the hopefully entertaining, Disgrace/Delight series. I’ll be writing next week’s post on Second Basemen poolside in Arizona, as I prepare for the Seahawks second Super Bowl win in a row. If you live in the area, hit me up. But remember, man-thongs only when we hit the club. As per usual, your questions and comments will be respond to below so please take some time out of your precious day and shoot me a line. Have a fabulous week and GO HAWKS!!

 
 

 
  1. MB says:
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    So I have 5 keepers as my first 5 picks in 11 team yahoo 7×7 with obp slg

    Already keeping dickerson, J Up and Cano.

    I need 2 more out of these. Was going to go Davis and Freeman since he is better in ops but now you got me rethinking. You like any of these better than freeman?

    Lester
    Ortiz
    Arrieta
    Seager
    Yelich
    Soler

    Thanks

    • Hawk says:
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      @MB:

      What are the other two pitching categories? I like Lester and Arrieta better than all of the other hitters, depending on the other two pitching categories.

      • MB says:
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        @Hawk: Holds and QS. Thanks

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Hawk: Hawk, as in SEA HAWK!??!?!!? LEts get it.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @MB: id keep freeman and Davis the most out these guys tho Seager may be the choice considering you’d have 2 first basemen. all those guys are intriguing actually as I love Soler and even Yelich. Very tough calls here, MB. aaaand you don’t have a pitcher. I might go Davis and Lester just so you have an elite pitcher. I prefer Davis but Freeman is the safer call. not sold on Arrieta yet and you could redraft him

      • Hawk says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:

        Agree with Tehol. Freeman and Lester.

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Hawk: Boom Shockalocka

  2. Mike says:
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    I believe in Davis but Fielder will never be on any of my teams. Victor in the Tigers line up looks like a 22 homerun 100 RBI and I would take that between 45 and 50 ADP.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Mike: I like Prince this year. Gonna bounce back. V-Mart will be fine but I still expect a pretty big drop off

  3. AndreLouisMoreau says:
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    On a scale from 1 to “Every acting choice Nic Cage made in the airplane before his first shootout with Travolta”, how good do you think Domonic Brown will end up being this year?

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @AndreLouisMoreau: I’m going to go conservative and say a 3.5. He’s going to have a nice season. I’m ready for Nic Cage’s triumphant comeback. how about you?

      • AndreLouisMoreau says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Could not agree more. Someone has to get the man some non-lame scripts, immediately.

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @AndreLouisMoreau: not now, but right now. He’s been doing this strange Indie flicks which aren’t terrible and he’s either trying to build himself up for a huge return or just that desperate for ANY form of currency that he’ll take any job given to him

  4. Seahawks Blow says:
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    Chris Davis…25-45 HRs? some insight there… will he hit between .200 and .300 as well?

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Seahawks Blow: I meant 35-45. thats a typo if it says 25-45 my bad. promise he hits more than 30.

      hold on a tic….Seahawks blow???? HOW COULD YOU???

  5. ivebeenupthreedaysstraight says:
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    “say one thing for tehol beddict…”

    love the nod to the first law. i saw that on yr football post and shit myself. i finished up the series about the same time as you did.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @ivebeenupthreedaysstraight: that trilogy is up there with the greatest of all time. The stand alone books that keep some of the characters are solid but nowhere near as great. Have you checked those yet?

      GET SOME SLEEP

      • ivebeenupthreedaysstraight says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: haven’t checked out the other abercrombie books, but i have them on the shelf. not hard to believe that he can’t top the original characters. glockta is fucking amazing, but then so are all the major characters. and such a great, ending… so bleak.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @ivebeenupthreedaysstraight: yea they are solid and have small parts from old characters so def worth the read but that trilogy was perfection of the highest order

  6. J-FOH says:
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    I’m not here to comment on your likes and dislikes of players, but c’mon, Travolta and some of those movies are terrible. Broken Arrow should be renamed Broken Dong, Slaters Jack Nicholson schtick grew real tired real fast. And don’t get me started on Face off, I have never made it thru that movie, its worse than Crush’s batting average in 2014. I’m not picking a fight, just saying don’t like a lot of what he’s done. Now his voice work in Bolt was great and my daughter loved that movie. We actually have a talking bolt stuffed animal at our house that he did the voice too.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @J-FOH: Brooooooooo, first off, thanks for honoring me with your presence on my post. ALways a pleasure having you here.

      Those were wildly successful movies tho!!! I liked Broken Arrow when I saw it, tho I was very young. Face/Off is pretty funny.

      Bolt? haven’t caught that one yet. what about the original “Look Who’s Talking” classic or nah?

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: i struggled with Broken Arrow, Face Off was just too over the top. Bolt is an animated movie about a delusional dog who thinks he has super powers but is really just a dog. Its for kids.

        I will say i saw pulp Fiction at least 5 times in the theater back when movies didn’t mirror a car payment to go to.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @J-FOH: and I know you loved Phenomenon

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: I didn’t mind that or Michael, but Battlefield Earth, more like Battlefield Turd

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @J-FOH: Battlefield earth is one of the worst movies ever made, and there’s absolutely no debating that. #Disgrace

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @J-FOH: This seems too try hard.

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Jay: Hey, I just don’t like Travolta

  7. CMUTIMMAH says:
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    The real star of Face Off was young Dominique Swain, as I was smitten since I was about her age when that movie came out. She disappeared after that… probably because her acting didn’t match her looks at the time. I just checked her IMDB page… lots of roles in movies NOBODY has heard of… I guess all “sleepers” don’t pan out to be stars…

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @CMUTIMMAH: maybe she’s the movie star equivalent to Domonic Brown……there’s still time.

      and um, yea, she was hot

    • Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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      @CMUTIMMAH: she was in the newer Lolita

  8. colonel Angus says:
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    Another owner in a 12 team dynasty offered me Noah Syndergaard and Jay Bruce for Matt Kemp and Kolten Wong. Do i take deal?

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @colonel Angus: I could go either way. Bruce is a tad younger than Kemp and seemed like one of the premier young players in game. I say he bounces back this year. Syndergaard is top 5 pitching prospect should be up soon. Wong is solid but not world changing offensively. Kemp in san diego which i don’t love. Im fine with Bruce side altho theres certainly more risk there. I like to live dangerously.

      WOuldnt be mad at you if you standed pat either

  9. UL's Toothpick says:
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    Votto. Joey.

    Bounce back ???

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @UL’s Toothpick: Mos def, mos def. thooooo, i suppose that was his 3rd weak ass year in a row. I still like him to bounce back. I just like the power of Baby boy da Prince and Crush better. Votto still has value tho. I’ll buy

  10. chrisL says:
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    No inflation or picks given up. Normal 12 team keeper league with OBP instead of AvG
    keep 3:
    Lucroy
    Soler
    Hanley Ramirez
    Michael Brantley
    Frazier

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @chrisL: Brantley Hanley and soler probably tho Hanley will lose value after this season which makes me have second thoughts. U could go frazier but I’d like to see another good year from him

  11. Clint says:
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    Since you think Chris Davis is going to delight, would you target him as at 3B as such or 1B?

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Clint: I don’t believe he’s eligible as a 3rd basemen. But, hey, I’ve been wrong before

  12. Ryan Young says:
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    Fuck the Patriots.
    Can I say that here?
    Yes, I think I can.
    Fuck Bill FatBellyChuck and Fuck the Patriots.
    Great write up. I made it through about four minutes of the Travolta quotes, but it was a nice gesture.
    Also, thanks for reminding me how good Face/Off was for a 90’s movie…

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ryan Young: comment of the year so far!! its early, but you have the lead, Ry-Dog.

      Glad you enjoyed and yes you CAN say that here. Only I can’t use words such as those. It’s much appreciated.

      I may watch Face/Off tonight

    • The Harrow says:
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      @Ryan Young: for a 90’s movie, huh. 90’s were filled with great movies.

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @The Harrow: classics

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
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        @The Harrow: Don’t try and make sense of it. He said F the Patriots.

  13. Bye Felicia says:
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    Batu Caves of Malaysia? HA!

    Where do you come up with this shit ?

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Bye Felicia: They say it’s a gift. I’m not so sure…..

  14. Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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    seems somebody’s at least hung around with adderall users, there, eh

    • Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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      @Montezuma’s Revenge… right now: nevermind, the very next sentence indicates that it’s yourself that’s been through these things. you didn’t mention the nice metallic smelling sweat, like with most speed.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Montezuma’s Revenge… right now: oh yes. Totally my experience. I got in more legal trouble doing stupid things drinking with adderrall than anything else

        • Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:
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          @Tehol Beddict: ya gotta take the bus when you do those things… of course don’t get so damn crazy the driver kicks you off.

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Montezuma’s Revenge… right now: dude, adderall mixed with alcohol literally made me insane. i was down for ANYTHING. well i guess i Shouldn’t say anything.

  15. jay says:
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    So 25-45 HR for Davis. you’re really nailing down a projection for him! How much do you think no markakis and no Cruz effect his counting stats. HR nay not be a problem but they may empty.

    I like the fielder call.

    I agree with Freeman. I made some deals last year to acquire him but what a boring player for fantasy. Needless to say I’m pushing him hard in my keeper league. Trying to get someone to bite on taking him.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @jay: someone made this comment earlier. Its meant to say 35-45. typo there. Sorry about that. I would never make a prediction covering 2o homers hahahah

      Yea Freeman is quite the boor, plus that lineup is sooooooo weak. ughhh

      thanks for reading

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