Fantasy Baseball Advice

David Wright was released from the hospital yesterday after tests showed that he was okay from Saturday’s beaning.  When he first went down, the Mets had some serious concerns when Wright couldn’t answer straightforward questions like, “Who’s our starting shortstop?” “Who plays 1st?”  “Who’s the shirtless guy hiding in Jerry Manual’s locker?”  Wright might be out for the season.  Probably be the best thing that could happen to his fantasy owners.  The wait for his power to return can finally end.  Though I wouldn’t drop him in one year leagues until it’s official he’s not returning, unless room on your DL is spare.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nick Johnson – Left with a hamstring injury.  He seemed to be in good spirits after the game, smiling in locker room pictures.

Nate McLouth – McLousy’s out for a few days after aggravating his hamstring injury and his fantasy owners.

Luke Scott – HR yesterday.  He credits the homer to finally feeling better from the flu.  I guess he had the dreaded 1,700 Hour Flu.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!  He now has 14 homers on the year.  He needs ten more to get in my good graces.  Chucking in seven steals along the way wouldn’t hurt either.  Yes, it’s a pipe dream, but it’s my pipe dream.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 steals.  Since the All-Star Break, there’s been few MI schmohawks to fill a line like EA – get in the game!

Mike Napoli – The Angels scored 17 runs, Napoli went 1-for-6 with 1 RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Torii Hunter – Returned to the lineup and went 2-for-6 with 2 RBIs, while batting sixth.  Might take him a few days to a week before he’s moved back up the order.  Then again, we’re talking about Scioscia.

Chone Figgins – 4-for-7, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Who is this Angels offense?  The 1985 Cardinals?

Carlos Gonzalez – 2 HRs yesterday.  How about you give me your password and I’ll pick him up?

Chris Coghlan – 5-for-10 in the doubleheader with a HR yesterday.  Yesterday was a good day for Friday’s Buy guys.

Aaron Cook – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. About a week ago, turf toe sidelined him.  This start makes me think he’s not completely over it.  I wouldn’t start him anywhere until we see a decent game.  Then again, most of you probably don’t start him anywhere anyway.

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Speaking of pitchers who just don’t seem right.

Hunter Pence – Homers now in back-to-back games.  Love to see him explode in the final month-plus like a Spinal Tap drummer.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals on Saturday, 2-for-3 on Sunday.  He’ll be leading off for the next week vs. righties until Cruz returns.  If you need steals, grab him now.  There’s no time for this Borbon to age.  Oofa!

Junichi Tazawa – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I told you my trepidation on Tazawa in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  And that’s me alluding to me!

Grady Sizemore – HR and steal yesterday as he went 2-for-4.  Since the All-Star Break, he has 4 homers and two steals.  I really wish the Indians would just shut him down so I have no reservations about drafting him next year.  (1 Pun Point for Grey.)

Taylor Teagarden/Kelly Shoppach – HR for each yesterday as The Catchers That Had Everyone Caca-Cuckoo In 2008 rise again.

Colby Rasmus – HR yesterday.  In his short time in the majors, Colby has shown himself to be hella streaky.  (Hella’s for the 18-35 males.)  Right now, Colby is hella hot.  If you need OF help, get’m while they’re hot.

Ryan Howard – 2 HRs yesterday.  For one of my teams, I hope he goes on one of his 10 homer month tears.  For a different team where I don’t own him, I hope he tanks.  Only Natalie Imbruglia knows how I feel.

Brad Lidge – When a manager brings a closer in for a one out save, it’s called kid gloves.

Rafael Soriano – Figured out a way to explain his recent gopher ball troubles, he says he’s dealing with shoulder problems.   I still maintain he’s going to lose save opps in the near future.

Clayton Richard – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, but 12 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  But he’s a HodgePadre and shouldn’t have been started in this game anyway.  But II, The Return of But:  He threw so many walks and he gets the same team next time at Petco (Cards) that I probably won’t start him there in most leagues.

Joba Chamberlain – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners vs. the Mariners.  Potatoes to chips, I like the way the Yankees are babying him this year (skipping him and whatnot), but I like it for next year.  For this year, it’s not helping his value when he’s skipped then throws a bucket of fake puke over the movie theater balcony.

Rajai Davis – Stole his third base in four games yesterday.  How is he owned in only 17.5% of ESPN leagues?  I know 75% of ESPN leagues are abandoned, but still.  He should be owned everywhere.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-5, HR yesterday.  I wonder if Adrian calls up other teams pretending to be Kevin Towers and tries to trade himself.

Randy Wolf – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks.  And he hit a homer or as frequent commenter, Steve, said, “Wolfman jack!”

Josh Willingham – HR yesterday, 3 RBIs and offered all of his green M&M’s to sweeten the Nats deal for Strasburg.

Geoff Blum – Hit his ninth homer yesterday.  Here’s something to blow your mind.  Geoff Blum’s power > Vladimir Guerrero’s power.  Want more?  Geoff Blum’s power > David Wright’s power.

Yesterday, I went over the top 100 for fantasy baseball in the 2nd half.  Today, I’ll look at some 2nd half hitters who should be better than they were in the first half.  To come up with this list, I scoured the last three years of post-All-Star Break numbers, ran it through a supercomputer that’s bigger than your Peugeot, pasted the supercomputer-generated names to my shirt like dollar bills on a wedding dress then went to a palm reader to help me pick ten names out of the thousands.  The palm reader’s name was Erica Karabell.  Tomorrow, I’ll go over the fantasy baseball pitchers who have been notoriously stronger in the 2nd half.  Anyway, here’s the best 2nd half fantasy baseball hitters for 2009:

Mike Napoli – Last year, he led the United States and Canada in OPS after the break for hitters with more than 100 ABs.  Vlad the ‘97 Impaler and Torii are both hurting, which will help Napoli see more time.

Alex Rodriguez – Everyone’s favorite frosted hair 3rd baseman.  Hit 24 homers in 263 ABs in the 2007 2nd half.  Hit 16 homers in 2008.

Jimmy Rollins – In 2007, he swiped 26 bags in the 2nd half.  Last year, Rollins had the third most steals in the 2nd half (23) behind only Taveras and Reyes.

Carlos Pena – 26 homers in 2007’s 2nd half.  17 homers in the 2nd half last year.  This year I say he hits 15 to give him 39 for the year.  Why?  Cause Pena seems like a 39 homer guy.  Yes, it’s that scientific.

Pat Burrell – In the first half of 2007, Burrell looked done — hitting .215 and only 11 homers.  In the 2nd half, he hit 19 homers and .295.  There’s very few cheap outfielders that can hit 20 homers in the 2nd half.  Burrell’s one.  And as any girl from the University of Miami in the late 90s will tell you, whereever Burrell is, Huff’s not far behind…

Aubrey Huff – Hey, it’s Pat the Bat’s fingercuff partner.  In 2007 and 2008, Huff had a .686 and .875 OPS in the 1st half, respectively.  Then .897 and .964 in the 2nd half.

Alex Rios – Did you know that after Pujols Rios hit the most extra base hits in the 2nd half last year?  Stephen Drew (<– Bonus name!) was third.  Both in front of Manny’s crazy, hormonal-fueled 2nd half.

Luke Scott – Career pre-All-Star break numbers .241/.329/.461 — Post-All-Star break numbers .299/.386/.558.  I see it now, next March someone in the comments is going to say, “I’m punting outfielders and taking Luke Scott late.  I’m awesome!!!”

Ty Wigginton – Honestly, not even sure if he’ll get playing time.  So I’m not saying trade for him, but if he’s on waivers, play close attention.  In the last three seasons, his 2nd half OPSs have been .990, .841 and .915, respectively.

Adam LaRoche – What’s Dusty Baker without a 1st base, 3rd base, hitting, pitching and bench coach?  What would a list of post-All-Star break hitters be without Adam LaRoche?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing…

Ryan Dempster hits the DL with a broken toe.  No word on how he hurt it, but Cubs fans are blaming Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley’s blaming an Italian Beef sandwich he ate in March but the Italian Beef sandwich refuses to play The Blame Game.  Way to take the high road, Italian Beef sandwich!  Dempster was at 5-5/4.09/1.37/89 through 105 2/3 innings.  Now he’s out until late-July at the earliest.  If you have a DL spot, go for it.  With a non-arm injury, I wouldn’t be too concerned about Dempster coming back and doing pretty much what he’s been doing so far, which is, well, I just told you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark DeRosa – Went to the DL.  It’s a move they were calling “precautionary” and they’re “very optimistic.”  They expected him back right after the “All-Star break.”  DeRosa wanted to play but the “doctors” “said” “he” “shouldn’t.”  Hopefully, his “wrist” will be “fine.”  Then it turned out there was a reason they put everything in quotes as it was all lies and he could be out for a month with a torn tendon sheath.

Tony Pena – Traded to the White Sox.  The Sox now have four setup men.  Guess if they ever have two doubleheaders in one day, they’re set.

Ronald Belisario – Headed for an MRI.  Geez, usually Torre can overwork his relievers for at least one season.  Luis Vizcaino, Scott Proctor and Ron Villone never needed no stinkin’ MRI.

Jose Reyes – Received a cortisone shot.  Supposedly this will push his return back at least another couple of weeks.  Though when Upton received a cortisone shot before the playoffs, it was a boost.  Guess different body parts react differently to cortisone shots.  Glad I didn’t get a cortisone shot in my fingers so I could write the best post ever.

Carlos Beltran – Was seen sharing the same news story as Jose Reyes.  He’s also in no rush to return.  Guess he doesn’t own himself in multiple leagues like me.  If I find out Beltran owns me in a fantasy baseball bloggers league, I’m going on the 60-day DL.

Freddy Sanchez – Has missed five straight games with a back strain.  Since this is all about me, let me say this really leaves me with very few options in a deep league where I own Freddy.  Get well soon, Dirty Sanchez!

Brandon Phillips – 2 HRs.  After his 2nd homer, he pointed into the catcher’s mitt and called the 2nd strikeout for Jay Bruce.

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 4 walks.  Solid strikeout numbers in the minors, but a bit wild.  He averaged over 10 K/9, but over 4 BB/9.  And, like your Mom’s cooking, he’s under-seasoned.  He’s worth a flier in AL-Only leagues, but I’d avoid him in mixed leagues for now.  Oh, and so you can impress your friends, pronounce his last name the same as Kzepczynski, but with an R.

Vladimir Guerrero – For some reason, the Angels had Ron Kovic in the outfield.  That didn’t go well.  He limped off the field in the 8th inning from discomfort in his knee.  If you own him, hope the Angels say it’s only day-to-day, which would be only a 15-day DL trip.

Juan Rivera – 2 HRs, up to 16 HRs.  Rivera’s a solid option when healthy and hitting.  He’s currently doing both.  He’s also 31-years-old and has never hit more than 23 HRs in a season because he never stays healthy.  Can he this year?  Maybe.  Maybe he’s this year’s Ludwick.  But even if he stays healthy, he has no speed and goes ice cold for extended stretches, like last year when he hit 6 homers and batted .248 in August and September combined.

Erik Bedard – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  On a pitch count, you can’t ask for much better of a start.  Looks solid going forward, if he stays healthy.  The same was once said of Rickie Weeks.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu hit another homer yesterday.  Get’m while they’re hot.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 Ks.  I wish I owned a guy that would strikeout 11 in 6 innings.  Owned in the non-biblical way.

Pat Burrell – Hit his 4th homer yesterday.  Has 20ish more to get.

Jason Bay – HR and 2 steals yesterday.  He’s at 20/8 with 71 RBIs.  If he gets to 35/15 with 130 RBIs, he’s going in the 2nd round next year.  Crazy, right?  Want crazier?  Just wait until Shaughnessy runs with that story in September.  You thought Jim Rice in the Hall was crazy; Bay could win the MVP.

Scott Hairston – HR yesterday.  Since Kris Davis went off to the minors, we lost our Reynolds vs. Davis K race, so I have a new one.  Hairston vs. Holliday, the HR race.  Hairston’s up by 3.  Yes, if you traded Holliday for, say, Rollins and picked up Hairston off waivers, you’d be doing better right now.  This is you.  This is you owning Holliday and doing a double take.

Alfredo Aceves – Will start for Wang on Thursday.  So, he goes, what?  60 pitches?  Worth grabbing in H2H leagues and AL-Only, but I’m not bothering with him in mixed leagues.

Scott Baker – 3 IP, 5 ER.  The troubling aspect (or positive, depending on your POV) is he didn’t give up any homers.  Usually if he’s hit hard, it’s because of HRs.  Think you can just chalk it up to a tough lineup and him having a bad day.

Barry Zito – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits vs. the Marlins sans Hanley or Sansley, for those portmanteau lovers out there.

Blake DeWitt – HR yesterday as his Mom, Joyce DeWitt was arrested for a DUI.  If only Joba had such fortitude…

David Wright – 0-for-3, batting .050 in July.  C’mon, Alex Cora can only do so much.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks.  Eh, it was an okay start.  He gets the Giants next, so I’m holding tight for that start.

Luke Scott – HR yesterday and 7 RBIs.  He was almost benched in one league of ours.  Luckily, Glass Chipper didn’t play.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-3, 2 steals. He’s not a pure steal guy, but he does have 15-steal speed.  So it’s a great sign that he’s using that speed, unlike Rasmus, another rookie with 15-steal speed who only has one steal on the year.  As mentioned a few days ago, I own Jones.

Grady Sizemore – 2 HRs.  I said Sell him!  Oh, wait.  No, I’m not backing off on that.  If he has the slightest setback, the Indians will shut him down faster than you can say Rzepczynski.

Paul Konerko – 3 HRs.  Seems like he’s doing for the White Sox what Branyan’s doing for the other side of the plate in Seattle.  Has anyone seen them in the same place at the same time?  Things that make you say hmm…

Bartolo Colon – Yesterday news said, White Sox GM unsure of Colon’s location.  Hey, Kenny, it’s in the large intestine.

Kelvim Escobar was sent to the bullpen.  His value goes from potentially good to potentially nothing.  Scioscia said Escobar will be pitching out of the bullpen for the rest of the season.  Scioscia also said Brandon Wood would start at shortstop two years ago and said Arredondo, the guy now in the minors, would be the closer and he said Rex Hudler’s got the best herb, when he wants to get wiggy with Figgy.  Escobar will probably start games again in a month or two.  But even if that is the case, he’s about as good to you now as those X-ray glasses you bought out of the back of a comic book when you were twelve.  Matt Palmer gets a boost in value, which is to say he actually has value now.   Palmer’s K/9 is 5.48.  Not great.  His BABIP is .228, that’s pretty lucky.  He’s rocking a 4.06 ERA right now, that’ll go up.  In AL-Only leagues, Palmer’s worth a spot, but he’s probably on a team already.  In mixed leagues, 15 or deeper?  Sure, but I wouldn’t touch him in 12 team leagues outside of matchups.  Friday vs. the Padres is a good matchup.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ervin Santana – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Member when he was only good at home?  Yeah, now he’s not good anywhere.  I think he’s headed for the Disgraceful List.

Matt Joyce – The return of Burrell pushes Joyce back to Triple-A.  Hopefully, he gets a real chance at some point.

Pat Burrell – He skipped his Single-A rehab assignment and, instead, will sit the bench for the next six games then be back in the DH spot when interleague’s over.  This is fascinating to me.  He was going to DH in a rehab game?  So he gets four ABs against a Single-A pitcher?  He couldn’t get that in batting practice?  Then he returns to sit the bench for a week?  The guy running the local Dairy Queen could make better decisions than some big league clubs.  A Sour Worm Blizzard is brilliant compared to this.

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out for a normal day of rest.  What’s Hanley doing this year?  8/8?  Who are you, Shin-Soo Choo?  The Marlins have been threatening to put the brakes on Hanley for a few years now.  I think they finally manned up and told him to chillax.  Last year he only stole 12 bases in the 2nd half.  Now with his groin flare-up (no, not in that way) and the Marlins realizing he’s their bread and butter, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a 25/25 year.  Still a great year for a shortstop, just not what you might’ve thought you were getting.

Chien-Ming Wang – Will stay in the rotation for one more turn.  Just because Hankenstein’s sticking with him, doesn’t mean you need to.

Zach Greinke – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Okay, I get the whole great-season-let’s-countdown-to-his-Cy-Young thing.  But is “Greinke Suffers a No-Decision” really a headline?  Suffering from indecision maybe.

Willy Taveras – He relies on his legs and they’re hurting him.  Right now, he’s AGNOF!  The S is really critical.

Chad Qualls – Got the save.  I need saves in the league I own him in and I hate seeing him come into the game, not a great place to be.

Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, only 4 baserunners vs. the Giants.  I like Scherzer, so don’t read too much into this, but Schierholtz and Juan Uribe were the two and three hole hitters.  Hitting sixth, Kevin Frandsen with an .071 average on the year. Protecting him was Eli Whiteside.  Didn’t he win the Nobel for his book, Night? A Giants split squad game would be a 0-0 tie called on account of darkness.

Derrek Lee – HR yesterday.  .367 in June after hitting .313 in May.  The steals look like they’ll never come back, so he might be Lyle Overbay in disguise.

Ian Stewart – 12th homer, or one less than Ryan Braun.  In Yahoo, Stewart has 2nd and 3rd base eligibility.  Cust kayin’.

Nomar Garciaparra – Had an MRI done on his calf.  Who insures this guy?

Luke Scott – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  All he does is hit home runs!  No, really, that’s all he does.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  Whoa, don’t you dare go back to being mediocre.  Armando Galarraga’s filling that role.

Clete Thomas – Went from batting 3rd to being optioned to the minors.  Ah, yes, perfect sense.  Don Kelly will be recalled.  I’m assuming he’ll slot right into the three hole next.

John Maine – Headed to the DL with a sore shoulder.  Hey, a couple of days ago he had a dead arm.  Sore is progress.

David Wright – 3-for-4 and stole his 17th base as he tries to challenge Alex Rios’s 2008 season as the most perplexing in recent memory.

Joe Beimel – Got the save yesterday as Acta pulled the old banana-in-the-tailpipe on MacDougal owners.  MacDougal is supposedly still the closer, he had just worked too many days in the row.  The Nats might be the only team where their announced closer is the only one that doesn’t get saves.

Ricky Romero – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  I liked him for a while in April, then he went to the DL and I got bored.  Now he’s back (from outer space), he’s an ‘okay’ flier in deeper mixed leagues, but he’s been getting lucky with men left on base.  I’d be careful.

Kevin Millwood – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  Would you believe he has a 2.72 ERA on the year?  That’s not rhetorical.  Seriously, I had no idea.  I own him on an AL-Only team and I didn’t even know that.  Maybe he’s having one of those renaissance years.  But then he’d be walking around saying, “Good morrow, Kinsler!” and “Davis, fetch me some mead!”

Ross Gload – 2 HRs.  Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!  What?  Nothing?  Oh, well.  I got the reference.

Todd Wellemeyer – 6 IP, 5 ER. Gload’s on you, Jack!  What?  Still nothing?  Hmm…

Ryan Franklin – 14th save, 1.14 ERA on the year.  Next year, he’s going to be so overvalued.  People are gonna be like, “Franklin had a sub-2 ERA.  He’s the bee’s elbows, knees and toes!”

Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks.  Then Rafael Soriano threw Javy’s one bad inning for him giving up 2 runs.

Raul Ibanez – HR yesterday.  After the home run, he declared a fatwa on the whole Midwest.

Trouble ahead, Casey Jones, if you think Matt Cain is ‘08 Lincecum.  I went over why this doode was faux-Cain two weeks go when I broke down FIP.  Now everyone is saying to sell high on him.  And by everyone, I mean ESPN.  Two weeks late, guys.  Went there already.  Oh, and I’m not going to link to them, because, as Berry said, that’s what they want.  Well, I want Berry to say I told him not to draft Nolasco and then he went and said Nolasco was in store for a great year.  When Berry says, I told him so.  I’ll link to them.  Wait, what was I saying?  Oh, yeah!  Cain!  So you got your lugwrench out and you’re trying to figure out how to make Cain able again.  The discrepancy between where Cain is now and where he should be is scary like Carol Channing without makeup.  Why?  Blah blah blah Lower K rate, very high strand rate… yadda yadda yadda… I went over it two weeks ago.  Open that FIP link.  And, yes, I touted the beejesus out of Cain in the preseason and I own him on a few teams.  And, yes, I’d actually feel better if his ERA was just in the low fours like it should be.  Don’t overrate his current ERA.  You know that.  So everyone’s zigging as they try to sell Cain, what do you do?  Zag?  Do you have the alligator blood to buy him for cheap?  Maybe.  It’s hard to sell a guy when their player news is calling for a regression.  It’s like running headlong into projectile vomit.  Then again, someone will drop some Liquid Paper on his stats any day now.  Now for the good news, his last time out he dropped his FIP from 4.85 to a more manageable 4.36.  One more strong start and who knows maybe he can actually be a 4.00 pitcher.  He’s not, I repeat, not a 2.40 ERA pitcher right now, but as long as you keep that in mind, you should be all right.  So sell him if you can get a decent deal, or buy him, but know what you’re getting.  Right now, people want to sell him so bad, you may actually get a decent deal for him.  He’s not terrible, just not quite what he’s been showing.  (BTW, CBS was touting Mark Reynolds as a buy this week.  I told you to buy him in March.  ESPN told you to sell Cain and Jurrjens this week.  I told you that two weeks ago.  If I didn’t write this shizz, I’d be reading it too.  Hey, wait a minute, my ’stache looks weird with my bigger head.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell for this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

J.P. Izzywheelfourson – Not sure if people are already done with the Rays and their bullpen shituation, but I’d hold for another week or two because whoever emerges will have value.  For full disclosure, I’m currently holding Wheeler on some teams.  No one else.

Jeff Clement – Honestly, I don’t know if he’s going to get called up with Johjima on the DL with a broken thumbkin, but if Clement gets the call, he’ll be worth a spot in mixed leagues for the catching deprived.  Right now, I’d own him in AL-Only leagues.  Recognize!

Jake Fox – Went over picking up Jake Fox yesterday.  Cliff Notes version:  The use of the phrase, “…like Tyra Banks would say, he can (hit) fiercely,” was an allusion to the reality show, America’s Next Top Model, where Tyra Banks, a former top model and terrible TV host, critiques aspiring models with the noted fashion photographer, Nigel Barker.  When an aspiring model performs well in a challenge, she’s said to be “fierce.”  So Grey is saying Jake Fox can hit well.

Fernando Martinez – As we continue our rookie nookie portion of our program, Martinez may only be up for a week or two.  I think he’s way too raw at this point in 12 team mixed leagues, so I haven’t grabbed him anywhere, but ya never know.

Tommy Hanson – Has to be up very soon.  Medlen’s been garbage.  We need Coach Leak to get the crowd started, “Let him play… Let him play…”

Luke Scott – He might only hit five homers in June, but they’ll probably come in the next week.

Alcides Escobar – Someone said something in the comments the other day that was funny, “If Web Gems is a category, this guy would be a 1st rounder.”  Or something like that, I’m paraphrasing and I don’t even know who said it and I didn’t feel like searching… Anyhoo, the Brewers put Escobar at 2nd base the day after Weeks went down.  Curious?  Yeah, they’re going to call him up.  Escobar probably won’t give you much offensively this year, except for steals.  SAGNOF!

J.A. Happ – Pickin’ up the Happy dugout!  What, no Ice Cube fans?  For shame.  Happ’s in a crizzappy park, but he gets the Nats and Padres in Petco next.

Russell Martin – Funny thing happened on the way to June.  Martin forgot he was a 1st half hitter. Anyone that actually wasted a draft pick on this catcher can’t be happy.  Right now, they’re thinking about how they could’ve punted the catcher spot, grabbed Varitek late and had 10 homers.  And they’re right, suckas!  Schadenfreude!  That doesn’t mean you can’t exploit their fragile sense of self.  Nietzsche!   Right now, they’d probably give you Martin for a side order of meatballs.  Great movie!  I’d prefer to have Martin than Varitek (or insert random catcher schmohawk that you own) for the rest of the year, so if you can weasel Martin out of someone’s clutches, consent granted.

SELL

Brandon Phillips – I was a big supporter of Phillips this year and still am, but only if he can prove healthy, and that but is J. Lo-sized.  I have a sneaky suspicion that Phillips is going to come back, then realize he can’t play with his hairline fracture on his thumb and go to the DL for 6 weeks.  Monitor him and field offers, so you seem like you’re, a, hip to the game.

Nick Johnson – You’ve been bamboozled.  Yes, you have.  No, he’s not going to stay healthy.  Nope.  Sorry.  Oh, and healthy Johnson has four homers.  Yawstipating.

Jorge De La Rosa – Not sure if I mentioned this when it happened, but I picked up George of the Rose the other day.  But benched him for his first start with me because I didn’t trust him.  He went three and a third innings and gave up seven runs.  Tragedy and trajectory towards the TV averted.  I dropped him the next day.

Manny Parra – You might’ve only owned him because of me so let me be the one to break it to you.  Commandment #1, Pitchers shall not issue walks.  Parra, go to hell.