Fantasy Baseball Advice

Jack McKeon’s got a word for players like Hanley Ramirez — lollygaggers.  For 5 years, Hanley’s been riding the crest of natural ability.  As I’ve said before about Hanley and Manny, insouciance doesn’t age well.  Think about the hot girl who got all the guys in high school then lost her looks ten years later.  She never had to develop a personality and, now at age thirty, she’s screwing guys in the bathroom of some bar with sawdust on the floor and hoping they’ll adopt her two kids, Bob Jr. and Bob Jr. Jr.  Hanley is a hot girl with no personality.  Notice how I said is, not was.  He’s only 27 years old, and I don’t think he’s done yet.  He’s never hit below .300, his HR/FB% is way off his career rate, he’s still stealing bases and he’s getting unlucky with balls hit into play.  I don’t think his end of the year numbers are gonna look good at all, but he could easily hit .350 the rest of the way with a 12/12 2nd half.  If you can get him for fifty cents on the Washington, I’d do it.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonny Gomes – Gomes is a mnemonic for Great Outfielder? Meh. Eerie Superior to other outfielders for a short period of time?  Yeah.  Okay, so not the best mnemonic.

Jason Bay – He’s been on absolute fire!  *fast, side effect for a medicine commercial voice*  I don’t trust his power, speed or average.  He’s gotten old — fast.  And, if he were anyone else but a guy that once hit 36 homers, we probably wouldn’t even pay attention.  If you have an erection longer than 24 hours after picking up Bay, see a doctor.

Garrett Jones – Robot’s not hard-wired to hit lefties so you have to bench him.  But Apollo Creed couldn’t get at lefties either, even with a snowball, and he did all right (until he was killed by Drago.)

Alex Presley – A Buy with two Pirates and one former in the first four names?  That’s the Jeopardy question to the answer, “How do you make Razzball readers yawn?”

Cameron Maybin – It’s funny, by which I mean it’s not funny at all, some players I love when they’re prospects then when they actually start playing I realize their upside is most players’ downside.  That’s so Maybin!

Desmond Jennings – According to the hash marks on the inside of my cave, Jennings will be called up within the next week or so because of his Super Two status.  Now, excuse me, while I make dinner for me and my volleyball.  (BTW, Jennings has been a Buy for like three weeks in a row.  Watch out, deaf ears, something’s falling!)

Eric Thames – Lotta borderline outfielders this week.  Or as I like to call them, bored-er line.  Wocka wocka wocka!

Mike Napoli – He’s due back on monday, so that means two things:  1) Now’s the time to grab Napoli. 2) Monday’s the time to grab his Mom.  “No, Ms. Napoli, I’m not drinking pineapple juice for any particular reason.”  Then we’d laugh and probably discuss Napoli’s playing time.

Geovany Soto – He’s hitting for the first time all year, but on a different note — is it me or is Geovany Soto wearing makeup?  Was he on the way to the theater to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

Daniel Murphy – Here’s a Cust Kayin’ for you.  For the season, Murphy’s been more valuable Billy Butler (unless your league counts Moob Size).

Lonnie Chisenhall – Just went over my Chisenhall fantasy.  I wrote it while playing Angry Birds on my iPhone while riding on the back of an ostrich.

Chris Davis – Supposedly the Rangers are about to call him up again.  Aw, geez, now someone has to change Bill James’s sheets.  I’m done with Davis until he actually hits in the major leagues, but, if you’re hurting at corner infidel, go for it.  He has hit something like 30 homers in 20 games in Triple-A this year.

Yuniesky Betancourt – Has two homers and two steals in the last ten games… Eh, he’s terrible, but I just picked him up in one league and I’m trying to convince myself he’s decent.  Betancourt is decent!  Yeah, ain’t working.

Cory Luebke – May just be a hodgepadre, but it’s worth the flyer to find out.  What’s the worst that happens?  A 6 IP, 2 ER start?  Ooh, I guess you’re too good for that with your fancy jeans and Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Javy Guerra – Bastardo has three saves this year and he’s been the closer for like a minute — and that’s not an Urban Dictionary minute which is actually a long time.  So, really who’s the bastardo in this equation?  Guerra, that’s who.  Yet, he’s supposedly the closer, but if Mattingly threw Elbert in there for the next save, wouldn’t surprise me in the least.   Or is that would surprise me in the least?  Eh, I couldn’t care less.  Or is that could care less?

Antonio Bastardo – I think Charlie Manuel seriously considered Michael Stutes for the closer job, but he just had too much fun saying Antonio Bastardo’s name.  (BTW, Bastardo was the 666th word of this post.  We’re all damned!)

Vinnie Pestano – Chris Perez went to bereveament leave because his grandmother died.  We’re sorry for his loss and hope the days off give him time to mullet over what she meant to him.  Grab Pestano for some vulture saves.  Or just grab him because he’s been good.  His middle name should be Italy because he’s a VIP.

SELL

Adam Dunn – A few weeks ago I told you to sell him, as in trade.  I think that ship’s sailed about as well as the Titanic.  Depending on your leagues, it’s now time to just drop the Big Donkey Ass.

Jeremy Hellickson – His K-rate is just over 6 and his xFIP is 4.38.  In other words, blech and belch.  In other other words, see if you can still get something before things get worse.  (Feel free to ignore this advice in keeper leagues.  Assuming you do follow some of my advice.)

David Wright – “He’s due back within the next week!!!  Or two.”  That’s you talking to another owner in your league.  “Honestly, I can’t believe I’m giving you my first round pick for Lind and Daniel Hudson.  Maybe I shouldn’t play this fantasy baseball thingie — do you want me to throw in Aaron Hill?”  That’s you too, then you giggle like Lisa Simpson when she’s swooning for a boy.  This sell is called salvaging a rotten season from Wright.  He’s never been one to just rebound immediately after an injury and he’s dealing with a back issue.  So is he gonna steal knowing he’s gotta slide?  Is he going to have a setback?  Re-injure himself?  I wouldn’t trade him for a hard candy out of your grammie’s pocketbook, but I’d explore options.

I contemplated picking up Lonnie Chisenhall for about as long as it takes me to eat a pupusa from my neighborhood El Salvadorean lady that has different hairnets to match her camisas.  About 12.7 seconds.  I’ll risk indigestión for those cheesy-pork flapjacks of wonderful.  At the waiver wire, I was like, “So many rookies have come up — rookies with great pedigrees — and they’ve been pretty yawnstipating– Screw it, he has 3rd base eligibility.”  In Arizona this spring, Rudy and I took in an Indians game and saw Chisenhall firsthand.  He impressed us with his hitting — seemed like a bona fide mollywhopper — and was one of those guys we felt would make an impact in 2011.  This year in Triple-A, he has 7 homers in 64 games and 17 homers in 117 games last year in Double-A.  He may not hit for much average, and could be off some of my mixed teams in a few weeks because his power doesn’t immediately appear, but I’ll risk indigestión for some rookie nookie upside.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mat Gamel – The Brewers recalled him.  According to Rudy’s Point Shares, Gamel is a league replacement value 3rd baseman in a 12-team NL-Only league at 26/7/30/2/.256.  The camera pans to Gamel for his reaction and he’s fumbling his drink.  What a klutz.  McGehee doesn’t have the corner locked down quite like Marlo Stanfield, but Gamel will probably only be up for a week during interleague.  If Gamel hits like a beast as he’s done in Triple-A this year — 17 homers in 75 games — he could stick around.  Or if the Brewers move back to the AL, which seems less likely.  He’s worth an immediate pickup in all deeper leagues for a shot of adrenaline to your fantasy baseball heart.

Zach Braddock – Back up too.  Hopefully the Brewers will stop hitting the snooze button on his season.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 6 ER.  You can blame the wind blowing out if you want, but I blame me for jhinxing us.  Sorry, feel free to replace my name with your favorite curse word.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th home runs.  He’s actually not far off his 1st half last year, but his 2nd half was predicated on everything breaking right, so I still think he falls somewhat below his huge year in 2010.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Sticking with the newly-established Carlos theme, Pena is now up to 16 homers.  Can set your watch to his 32-35 homer, low average season, assuming you have a watch that keeps fantasy baseball time.  Dork!

Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  His stats:  29/8/37/.289.  Ryan Zimmerman’s stats:  11/3/11/.244.  What’s that?  There’s been like 3 good players in the first two rounds of fantasy drafts this year?  Yeah, I know.  Pardon me while I go pour some McDonald’s coffee on my lap.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now that’s not that sour, Kraut, as he struckout his season high last night vs. the Blue Kays.

Jonny Gomes – 1-for-3 with a homer.  Since I told you late last week he gets crazy hot for no apparent reason, he’s hit two homers in the last four games.  Wigginton may be the mayor of Hot Schmotatown, but Gomes is a newly-elected sheriff.  Or seriff.

Brandon Phillips – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 RBIs.  Hitting .299 on the year, but his power (6 homers) and speed (4 steals in 7 attempts) have been pretty pedestrian so far this year.  He probably just needs a wake up call from me, which usually involves me singing Kelis’ Milkshake at 7 in the morning.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’m not a huge Leake fan.  Tends to give up around 3 to 4 runs per game without the Ks.  Than, but no thans.

Chris Perez – Hey, look a Putz in a Perez sandwich.  Better than seeing a Putz in Perez Hilton.  Oofa!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his 13th homer as Orlando Cabrera also went deep.  It’s a Cabrerathon!

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s been good but far from exceptional.  Still don’t trust Latos to be exceptional this year, which hurts me to say because I do enjoy hodgepadres.  I’ll be back in next year as I practice my Saberhagenmetrics.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4 and his 15th home run.  Did someone send him the message that I called him a sell last week?  Or do I need to write it in dots and dashes?

Adam Kennedy – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Not to rag on a guy that just homered, but the Mariners hit Adam Kennedy third as the DH in interleague.  It’s like the M’s are the NL team.

Brian McCann – 3-for-4 with his 14th home run as he bats .307.  It took three years of me ranking McCann first for catchers for it to finally make sense.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I have nothing to say other than I’ve been telling you to own him since March.

Jonny Venters – He actually did not pitch yesterday.  Crazy!

Jordan Walden – Thoreau’s favorite closer registered his 6th blown save via a 2-out HR to Danny Espinosa.  Can anyone find a reliable closer in all of the greater Los Angeles area besides Kyra Sedgwick?

Scott Downs – I’d grab Downs, in the non-perverse way, if I were speculating on Walden being removed from the closer job.  I don’t think it happens, or for long if it does.  Though Walden has blown three straight saves, so there’s that.

Jonathan Broxton – Headed for an MRI.  Looks like I altered my Toni Braxton, “Braxton Rules” t-shirt for nothing.  BTW, the MRI is being administered by Dr. Neal ElAttrache.  Not sure why, but the doctor’s name made me giggle.  “Say aaahhh…And look deep into my dark-as-midnight eyes while I put my hair into a ponytail.  I am Dr. Neal ElAttrache.  I will now check your tonsils with my tongue.”

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing wrong with Billingsley a little hideous Twins offense can’t fix.  Do not resuscitate the Comatose Twins Fan.

Tony Gwynn – 4-for-6 with 2 steals.  On Sunday, he went 3-for-5 and I was going to mention him in the roundup to tell you to grab him if you need steals.  Damn!  He would’ve been a nice play on a short schedule day.  Damn!  Damn!  Only other thing that can generate that kind of electricity is a bolt of lightning.  A bolt of lightning!

Matt Kemp – 4-for-5 with his 22nd home run.  In honor of Kemp’s year, I’d like to sing a little song, “As long as there’s the two of us… We’ve got the world and all its charms…And when the world is through with us…We’ve got each other’s arms…”  I love you, Matt Kemp.

Trent Oeltjen – 4-for-4 with a home run.  He has some mild pop and speed and might see time for the next week while the Dodgers play in AL parks.  And, to impress your friends, Oeltjen is pronounced like Meltjen.  (But if you have friends impressed by that, you might want to reconsider your friends.)

Dodgers – Filing for bankruptcy protection.  I never understood why they were called the Dodgers.  What were they dodging?  Now I know…the bills!

Recently, I had the pleasure of doing karaoke with Johnny Cueto.  He decided to go with Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  Here’s what he sang, “I took my ERA and I took it down….  I climbed a mountain and I turned around…  And I saw my xFIP in the snow covered hills… Well, I’ve been afraid of changing… ‘Cause I’ve kicked the life out of Jason LaRue… Awh, take this ERA, and TAKE IT DOWN!…”  Then I joined him on stage for Islands in the Stream.  Cueto was pitch perfect with Stevie Nicks even if he did skip lines here and there to keep it related to fantasy baseball.  Right now, his ERA is 1.63.  Oh, c’mon.  Seriously, come on.  Come on, come on, come on Chameleon!  His xFIP is 3.52.  His K-rate is 6.23 which isn’t good and below previous season marks.  He’s leaving 83% men on and has a .216 BABIP.  There’s not one category he’s excelling in right now except ERA.  The mouth on the left side says, “S.” The mouth on the right side says, “ell.”  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton.

Mark Melancon – He doesn’t make the cut off of 50% owned in ESPN for this post, but that’s my own self-imposed rule, so screw you, homes!  Kidding.  (Or am I?!)  I’m listing Melancon because his ownership is actually going down.  Um, he’s the closer, what gives?

Chris Carter – I just went over my Chris Carter fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting for a studio light to fall on Carson Daly’s head.

Ty Wigginton – I just got a Lane Bryant spring collection catalog in the mail so that could only mean one thing… I accidentally got my neighbor’s mail.  Oh, and Ty Wigginton’s hitting.

Jeff Baker – While the Purple Evolutionist is off mending and writing in his journal about the dodo bird, Baker is seeing starts in his stead.  “Yo, get out of my stead!”  That was a farmer in the 1860′s.

Jemile Weeks – Just went over him this morning, shut all your porn windows and pay attention to Razzball!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – This will be the last mention of Nishioka in a Buy column.  Won’t mean I like him more or less, but shizz is getting repetitive.

Chris Getz – Has stolen a decent amount of bases this season (12 — well, I did modify with ‘decent’), but he’s strictly a poor man’s everyman.

David Freese – Over the course of a full season, he’s capable of 20 homers and a solid average.  He won’t be playing a whole season. Don’t quibble, Random Italicized Voice.  But I’m hungry. That’s not what quibble means.  Riiiight. I’d grab Freese and expect some power and a good average.

Dayan Viciedo – I think we’re finally affecting change.  Last week I told you to pick up Viciedo and this week he’s gone up 0.1% in ownership at ESPN.  Woo-hoo!  Razzball, we’re the tenth-percenters!

Roger Bernadina – I told you to grab him about a month ago.  In that time, he’s been better than Victorino, Ethier, Beltran, Bautista (eat it!), Bossman Upton, Abreu, Ichiro, etc. etc. etc.  How is he owned in only 24% of ESPN leagues?  Oh, as we just learned, he’d only be owned in 23.9% of ESPN leagues without us.  Yay me!

Jason Bay – Haven’t been a big fan of his for years and I’m not suddenly flipping sides like Anakin.  I told you to grab him the other day after his 3-for-3, home run game.  Then he went back to old Bay without the delicious fish, meat or chicken seasoning.  If he’s available, I’d take a flyer that he might get hot.

Wily Mo Pena – Probably only a very short term add for power.  On the bright side, his strikeouts generate electricity.

Jonny Gomes – It’s Jonny cat!  Frisky!  I love this short term add for power, but you must be able to switch him in and out of your lineup when he’s not playing.

Desmond Jennings – I’m guessing he’s up in the next week to ten days.  If someone wants to Gillooly Fuld and Ruggiano, that time can be bumped up.

Jon Jay – Four score and one month ago, I told you Juan Hay would get value when Holliday went to the DL.  He did a’ight, but didn’t really shamwow my fantasy teams.  Well, he’s getting another opportunity with Pujols carrying the burden of one million fantasy teams ruined.

Jordan Schafer – The Braves announced that even with the return of McLousy, Schafer will be the starter.  Now when Prado returns something’s gotta give, old lady movie.  Until then, I’d grab Schafer for some speed.

Brandon Beachy – I’ve talked about him so much that he should be on everyone’s team that reads this site.  There’s really no excuse.  And that’s me just being real with you.

Cory Luebke – If he were on any other team, I’d tell you to hold, but in Petco very little can go wrong (damn, if that’s not a jinx I don’t know what is).

Carlos Carrasco – His name sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant and he’s throwing some good stuff at the plate.  It’s a mashup of puns!  I’m like Girl Talk of fantasy baseball bloggers.  (If you don’t know Girl Talk, shame on you.  Download All Day.  Here’s your preemptive you’re welcome.)

Doug Fister – Fister?  But he hardly knew her!  Sorry, so hard to resist that.  He’s at a 3.34 ERA and 1.21 WHIP on the season.  Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you own.  And him too.

SELL

Rick Porcello – Of course you should drop him.  I’m only listing him to make a point.  We get some comments in the Buy/Sell that there are so many more Buy’s than Sell’s.  Well, yeah, dur.  I’m not going to list 35 names of players to drop.  Plus, people have players that are injured and need short term replacements so that’s what the Buy does.  Gives you some names for fill-in’s.  Now back to the Sell…

Ryan Vogelsong – He’s up to about 97% owned which means there’s been some Johnny-come-lately’s who have gone to the waiver wire in your league to find Vogelsong gone.  After that, they’re like, “Damn, you so-and-so always get the hot waiver wire adds.”  At that point, you sell Vogelsong to them.

Michael Morse – Sorry, you knew it was coming though, right?  I mean, he hit .400+ in May and around .330 so far in June.  If he hit .270 the rest of the way, it wouldn’t completely surprise me.  He has 13 home runs now, he might hit ten the rest of the way.  That would give him around 25 homers and .280 for the whole season.  That’s great, wonderful, superlative.  Now I’m not trading him for a Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off coupon, but I would explore options.

Sounds like Ike Davis is done for the year.  He could be facing microfracture ankle surgery.  Man, will the Mets ever catch a big break?  First, Beltran had microfracture surgery on his knee, and now Davis.  What’s with the Mets and tiny surgery?  Can’t the Mets find a normal-sized doctor?  Microsurgery is the 101 class if you’re going to be a surgeon.  Macrosurgery is the 102 class.  That’s a little known fact — literally!   For fantasy purposes, just think, now you have more room on your DL.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  That’s one for the Brandon Beachy Memoirs.  Now if only he’d stop looking up his cousin’s dress.

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 with his 10th home run.  I’ll take bets that he gets to 25 home runs, but not that he gets to .230.  Anyone want some action?  I’m not talking betting action.  Come here and sit on Uncle Grey’s lap.

Jose Bautista – Hit his 22nd home run.  See, my gentle prodding of his miserable June paid off for his owners.  Now I will return to my Bautista dormancy where I am an RA.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  He’s such a peg boy!

Shaun Marcum – Left the game after reaggravating his hip and his owners.  He says he’ll be fine for his next start.  We’ll see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Travis Wood – Sent down to Triple-A.  All they have to do is send down Votto and Bruce and their AAA club will be the better team.

Joel Hanrahan – Got his 20th save yesterday, which is a feat because he pitches for the Pirates.  It usually takes until end of August before they have 20 saves as a team.  Hanrahanananananan’s ERA/WHIP is 1.31/0.96 and he has 30 Ks in 34 IP.   Sorry, Mr. Peralta, but you’re looking at the best reliever named Joel in the majors!

Kevin Correia – Got his 9th win of the year – making him the most successful Pirate this year outside of the Somali coast.

Neftali Feliz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and his 4th blown save.  Now has 19 Ks to 15 walks in 28 innings.  He’s not getting replaced any time soon, but something is up with him.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see another DL stint from him this summer.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hitting .359 on the year and he went 4-for-4 against his old team.  Who’s your Padre, San Diego!?

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks in Fenway.  That’s exactly what Vegas projected for Richard.  Oh, wait, they projected 1 inning, 5 runs, 10 baserunners.

Albert Pujols – Love this ESPN title yesterday, “Pujols Feels Healthy Aside From Fracture.”  Yeah, and Willie McGee felt beautiful except for his face.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 7th home run– Psych!  I’m not talking about him because then I’ll gonna get inundated with catcher questions.  “No, thank you,” says Grey as he splashes on his Drakkar.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s something bonkers.  On Rudy’s AL-Only team, his staff is Hellickson, Hughes, Garcia, Coke, Britton, Fister and Baker.  Has a 3.58 ERA / 1.27 WHIP.  If you drafted that staff in the beginning of the year with high hopes, I’d say you were just high.  Goes to show you, no one knows anything, William Goldman.

Torii Hunter – Double I left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He has bruised ribs.  The wall has a strained oblique.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 1.73 ERA.  Last year Colby Lewis returned from Japan with great results.  This year it’s Vogelsong.  Konichiwa, Fausto Carmona!

Ty Wigginton – On Monday morning, I said Wigginton hit a home run on Sunday and now his over/under for the week is 3.  Yesterday, he hit two home runs.  Still taking the under?

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have no doubts of his ability if he stays healthy.  However, that ‘if’ is the size of the car that was used to take Shirley Hemphill and Fred Berry to the set.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run yesterday.  That’s all you need to know.  He gets about as crazy hot as Wigginton when he’s going right.  Has 9 homers now.  Might have 16 before he goes cold again.  I added him in any daily leagues where I could (can’t trust him to play every day for weekly leagues).

Chris Heisey – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and 3 home runs as he became the 207th player this year to hit 3 homers in a game.  Only a slight exaggeration.  Before this game, he was one for the last week.  I really like Heisey, but in Dusty Baker’s book titled, “OBP Stands For Oh B**** Please,” his 3rd chapter is, “Why Play Three Outfielders When Five Will Do?” says all you need to know about Hesiey.  So unless Dusty goes with a short center fielder it’s hard to own Heisey outside of deep daily leagues where you can move him in and out of the lineup.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in Metco.  After the game, Gio said he’d love to pitch for the Mets one day or against them every day.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  But at least he wasn’t injured.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t need to see the Zapruder film of all of Kennedy starts to know that he’s not a 2.90 ERA pitcher.  He shouldn’t completely collapse, but c’mon.

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  One of the more disappointing guys we own.  In Dodgers Stadium, this guy should have a 3.20-ish ERA.  Then he gets 8 Ks and only walks one yesterday, which isn’t bad…Ugh, he’s pretty unstartable right now.  Lilly, you’ve gilded me for the last time!

Matt Kemp – 3-for-3 and he’s already at 20/20.  Now I see what Rihanna saw in him.  He’s damn sexy!

Jonathan Broxton – Mattingly said Broxton will be the loser when he returns.  Oops, Freudian slip!  Mattingly must be looking through the rear view mirror to see the Broxton of the 1st half of 2010.  I guess it’s true — objects in the rear view mirror are better Closers than they appear.

David Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  It’s the new Mets, same as the old Mess!  I find it hard to believe this is still The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard, but who else is evil eyeing them?  George Foster?  (BTW, If George Foster ever evil eyed you for longer than 5 seconds, you’d turn to stone.  Fact!)  The Mets are downplaying Wright’s injury, but what else is new with the Mets?  Let’s look at their truthiness in some recent reports:  In 2009, “Reyes will be out for a few days.”  In reality, he’s only fully recovered two years later.  In 2009, “Beltran will be out for three to five days.”  In reality, he missed two seasons.  “K-Rod and his stepfather, an up and coming videographer, were remaking the “Beat It” video.”  In reality, K-Rod blew Kabuki white powder into his stepfather’s face and hit him over the head with a metal chair.  So the Mets are saying Wright might miss only a week and a half to two weeks.  Um, okay.  Even if he returns quickly, a stress fracture in his lower back isn’t going to hurt his power?  Yeah, that’s rhetorical.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 steals.  Now has 16 steals on the year.  How do you motivate overpaid athletes?  With the allure of being vastly overpaid.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 Ks.  That’s nice, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him and I throw like a girl.  My apologies to our three girl readers, I’m sure you are all bulldykes with strong arms.

Hanley Ramirez – Moved to the two hole, which is where you find crap, and he went 0-for-6.  Voila!

Josh Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Left the game with a forearm contusion.  No word yet on how long he’ll be out, but once someone reads it somewhere else they will update us in the comments.

Justin Turner – Overdrive!  2-for-5 with a double and a RBI.  Know why I mentioned the double when I don’t usually?  Cause I’m trying to find nice things to say.  Go with it.

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks.  Six walks for The Adverb?  Did he throw that many all of last year?  Hopeful Lee, it’s just a mechanics thing-a-ma-whosie.

Chase Utley – Could be back within the next two weeks.  So this is either a great time to sell or hold.  I don’t think I’d buy unless I really needed to shake things up on my team and I could get him for cheap.  If your entire league is tentative because of Utley’s recent health track record is rivaling that of the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy, then you hold.  If someone wants to take the risk for a decent price, you sell.  Deal?  Yeah, deal.

Dustin Ackley – Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 5 homers and 6 steals through 38 games.  His average has been yawnstipating at best.  Speaking of yawnstipating, Ackley’s projected for the kind of numbers I don’t like in fantasy.  He’s potentially a 12/12 guy this year if called up within the next two weeks, as it’s being reported he will be.  Assuming he has 2nd base eligibility (which he does not yet have in Yahoo for some godforsaken reason), he’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d take a Flyer on).

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks with his 5th win and a 2.45 ERA on the year.  He’s great, I like him a lot, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Twins’ hitting is offensive in all the wrong ways.

Colby Rasmus – Strained muscle in his stomach.  He’s saying he’ll be fine.  You know, Colby’s a survivor.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 as he started at third base.  Tony La Russa said, “I feel bad about what I’ve been doing to people’s fantasy teams with my indecision regarding a closer, so I thought I’d throw the nerds a bone.”

John Lackey – Sent to the DL.  The Red Sox said his elbow strain might have something to do with his 8.01 ERA.  So, does that mean he’s been hurt for the last two years?

A.J. Burnett – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hey, 2010 A.J. Burnett good to see you.  Say hello to your mother for me.

David Price – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup against Curtis Granderson, who hit his 14th homer.  Who are you, Curtis Granderson?  Why are you trying to steal Jose Bautista’s thunder?  He is Joey Bats.  Who are you, Courtesy Gratin?  What’s that, free cheesy tater tots?  That doesn’t even make any sense, and neither does your insane power.  Now go to your room.

Johnny Damon – Hit his 7th homer.  Has 6 more homers than Morneau.  Of course he does, the world makes perfect sense!

Derrek Lee – Strained oblique.  That’s sad for Lee and his family.  No one else should care.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I blame his lack of run support on his searching-for-Golem sounding name.  Chabon would’ve gave him the win.

Andy Dirks – 1-for-2.  Member when I said I was half-joking about Leyland batting Dirks 3rd?  Yeah, he batted him 2nd instead.  Theory!  With the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 with his 6th home run.  The Silent H has 4 homers in his last 5 games.  He too is hotter than a habanero’s ass.  Still don’t know what that means but if I say it enough times it’ll catch on.

Aroldis Chapman – To the Disgraceful List.  It’s always amazing to me how clubs can get away with DL’ing someone who isn’t injured but is simply sucking.  And, perhaps, that’s neither funny or interesting.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run and that usually means five more will follow.  Though, to be honest, I didn’t realize how poorly he’s been.  He’s down to .188 on the year.  Yo, Gomes, you need an oddly-placed H in your first name.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  You’re welcome.

Paul Maholm – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Nats.  Sorta glass half full:  Sure, it was an easy match-up, but he’s now pitched well in six of his last 8 starts.  Sorta glass half empty:  His strikeouts to walks isn’t pretty.  Sorta who cares:  It’s Paul Maholm.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer.  All he does is hit home runs!  Kinda true with his abysmal average (.196 on the year).

Cole Kimball – 1 IP, o ER with the win.  That Cole Kimball sure plays a mean baseball!

Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Really pulled his shizz together in May.  April ERA 5.70; May ERA 2.35.  Also, worth noting is his batting average against lefties is .273; vs. righties it’s .224.

Vin Mazzaro – 2 1/3 IP, 14 ER.  He comes from my birthplace, Hackensack, NJ.  Yesterday, the Indians treated him like a hacky sack.

Matt LaPorta – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs as the Indians moved to 25-13 on the year.  Somebody wake up the Comatose Indians Fan, your team is more than just a racist mascot!

Dexter Fowler – Caught stealing twice.  Now has 5 caught stealings in 7 attempts.  Good thing he didn’t choose a life of crime.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit in the leadoff spot, 2-for-5, batting .302 and stole his 13th base.  Member in the preseason everyone was like don’t draft Ellsbury, Crawford’s gonna steal his mojo?  Um, Crawford’s hitting .208 and batting between Lowrie and Varitek.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 2nd homer in three games as Mini Donkey finally draws some brays.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks.  Too many BBs, he’s gonna shoot his eye out doing that.

Adam Lind – Placed on the 15-day DL with back soreness.  Just so we’re clear how ridiculous it is what the Mets said about Wright possibly being back in 10 days.  Lind has back soreness and is going on the DL; Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  Oh-kay.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  He doesn’t seem remotely capable of handling the closing job, yet I think he probably does stay the closer all year, if that makes sense, and I think it does but I’ve had nine beers tonight and something a guy named Phil called a lavash.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  First name, Hommy.  Second name, Tanson.

Grady Sizemore – To the DL.  I wonder if he has one of those punch cards so he gets a free sandwich with this DL trip.