Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run. Say that fast 117 times! Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire! See what I did there?! Did you see?! Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious. Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment. (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary. Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels. It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.) If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak. Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own. The lost Smoak monster is found! (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him. As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!
Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks. Fudge! Only I didn’t say fudge, I said the mother of all curse words.
Mark Teixeira – Left the game with a shoulder injury. Joe Girardi said it wasn’t serious. Then again, Joe Girardi wears braces. We’re supposed to believe this guy? Does Joe Girardi own Te(i)x on his fantasy team? Well?
Phil Hughes – His arm went through five more hours of testing. Hopefully his arm gets into its school of choice.
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. You should pick him up (for someone else’s team after stealing their password).
Eduardo Sanchez – 1 IP, 2 ER with the save. This is your brain. This is your brain trying to figure out who La Russa is gonna use to close games. But whatever cuz Eduardo looked like Retardo Montalban and promptly gave up some runs. The closing job is cursed! I’d grab Boggs, Sanchez, Franklin (recorded no outs and gave up 2 runs in this game) or Motte. Really in any order, and hope you choose right because this closerousel is off the hinges and the horses are going up down all willy-nilly and shizz with no leather straps.
Brett Wallace – 11 for his last 17. Another hot schmotato. (It’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable.) Hitting .524 in the last week. Yeah, go ahead and grab him.
Roy Oswalt – Left the Phillies due to personal reasons. A source close to the situation says Oswalt was playing Halladay in Words With Friends and Halladay played “djin” on a triple word and Oswalt threw his cellphone in the garbage and left.
Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Hommy Tanson!
Chipper Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs. Glass Chipper has the 2nd most RBIs in the major leagues. In other news, RBIs are stupid.
Mat Latos – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the agita-filled ticker shock.
Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his fifth Freedom Fly. For Frenchy, this might be as good as it baguettes, but go with him while it’s good.
Jim Thome – The Founding Father of Country Strong is day-to-day with a slight oblique strain. More time to chop wood and chew tobacco.
Delmon Young – Headed to the DL with ribcage soreness. Maybe Mauer coughed on his ribs.
Francisco Liriano – 3 IP, 7 ER. If anyone wants to join me when I go to Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome to throw a brown bag filled with crap at Liriano, more the merrier.
Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Maybe I just want some Oakland A’s pitching action because it seems like they all can pitch, but I like Ross. More in deep leagues than your run-of-the-mill variety, but still.
Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, hitting .156. His start of the season reminds me of that terrific quote from Lawrence Taylor. “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.”
Ryan Howard – Hit his 4th home run to keep pace with Shane Victorino, who hit his 4th homer earlier in the game.
Domonic Brown – Homered in his first rehab game. I see your surgically-repaired hamate bone and I raise you a whole lot of talent.
Krispie Young – Hit two Krispie flies. Not entirely sure why he’s leading off since walking for him is a feat. Pun point!
Will Venable – 2 steals to bring his total to 8 while he hits .183. I know what’s going on here, Venable’s trying to get his face on the SAGNOF t-shirt.
Alexi Ogando – When asked if Ogando would stay in the rotation when Hunter, Webb or Feldman returns, Ron Washington said, “I’m not taking him out of the rotation if he continues to pitch like this. I’m not going to rob Peter to pay Paul. Paul has to earn his pay. Ogando is Peter and those guys are Paul.” Doesn’t that sound like something Jules would say in Pulp Fiction? Think we know what Washington’s wallet says.
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Sonavabench! I’ve figured out what it takes for one of my starters to pitch well. I have to bench them. Works like a charm. A charm that is infected with typhoid fever and gives you the shakes. A charm, nevertheless.
James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Or I can just drop them. That works too.
Jose Tabata – 1-for-4, now batting .267. Member when him, The Dread Pirate and Neil Walker were all batting .350+? I liked that. Can we go back to that?
Roger Bernadina – 2-for-2 but didn’t start. Might want to cover your ears for a second… LET HIM PLAY, NATS! YOU IDIOTS!
Casey Blake – Out for a month with gray-haired, old man brittle bones. “I have gray-haired, old man brittle bones! Watch me creak!” That’s what Blake said.
Jonathan Broxton – Didn’t appear in the game because his elbow was a little tender. Or al dente, if you will.
Vicente Padilla – Recorded his first save. The over/under for Padilla saves is 7. I’m taking the under. I highly doubt he gets more than 4 after Kuo returns. In deep leagues or those leagues where you’re bonkers desperate for saves, by all means.
Andre Ethier – 2-for-5 with his third homer as he pushes his hitting streak to 24 games. Los Angeles hasn’t seen a streak like this since Mike Piazza frosted his hair.
