Someone defrost Ted Williams’ head, Jed Lowrie is hitting .516. If Mickey Rooney were playing the part of Dice-K, he’d say Jed is so Lovrie. That’s if we can pull Rooney away from pooping in your neighbor’s chimney. Right now, Lowrie is seasoning up fantasy steaks something delicious, but can this continue? No, of course not. Can he hit .280 with 10 homers? Sure. Can he get to 15 homers? Is the moon made of green cheese? (Actually, it is.) Lowrie has a heart three sizes too big for his body and a thermos filled with spunk. But spunk’s a category in your league? Some would find that hard to swallow. He has little to no speed and, if he slumps for a second, Marco…Scutaro could go back to popping up in the most unlikely places. But, hey, it’s not like you need much. Lowrie could be a top ten shortstop with only one good month of stats. I’d absolutely pick him up but don’t drop a proven commodity. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 3 Ks. That’s nice, I’m not buying. If you go with him, you’re rolling the Dice, K?
Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 4th homer yesterday as he and A-Gon go on casting calls for the remake to Vice Versa.
Jerry Sands – Called up by the Dodgers because Mattingly used to have a dope ‘stache and he loves crazy women. Okay, those aren’t related, but I like to think they are in my effort to emulate Mattingly. Sands looks like another Razzball favorite, the mollywhopping, pony stick-galloping, Mike Stanton. Just not quite as much power. Let’s say Mike Stanton Jr. Last year, Sands had 17 homers in Double-A in half a year (68 games). This year in Triple-A, he had 5 homers in 10 games. That’s a yes, please and thank you. For this year, I’d give Sands 20 homers, .250 average and 5 steals. There’s upside, obviously, so I picked him up everywhere I could. (Yes, I’m looking with my stink eye towards Yahoo for not having him in their player universe. Can they just have everyone in the minors like CBS or only the players on the 40 man roster? Because this willy-nilly, no one has any idea who is actually in the player universe is lamer than dog balls.)
Jason Heyward – Hitting 2nd with McLouth in the lineup. You should’ve took the under.
Rick Ankiel – Supposedly, the Nats aren’t happy with Ankiel’s production. No way! C’mon, really? Wow, if they would’ve just read Razzball in March, I would’ve told them to start the season with Roger Bernandina. Keep your eye on Roger, roger?
Travis Wood – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and three first inning runs. He must be hanging out with Crazy Edinson.
Aroldis Chapman – Returned and threw over 100 MPH. “Geez, Pa, that’s fast.” That’s what Steve Pearce said to Lyle Overbay.
Mike Leake – Arrested for stealing $60 worth of t-shirts from Macy’s. The pressure to keep up with Jay Bruce’s Ed Hardy collection is just too intense. If a cop sees you take a leak, it’s public indecency. So what’s it called when Leake takes something.
Tyson Ross – Going from Macy’s to Ross, Tyson Ross would be my choice to take Braden’s next scheduled start on Friday in Safeco. Ross had a solid spring and almost made the rotation. So far in Oakland, he has a 10+ K/9, but, as I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size. I like him for a spot start on Friday, if he gets it, then we’d have to take it from there.
Cody Ross – Sticking with the bargain basement Ross theme, Bochy said Belt could be sent down as soon as Tuesday, which is today on your Mayan calendars. “Don’t stare into the day Wednesday!” That’s what it says on my Mayan calendar.
Kevin Correia – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Yeah, should’ve drafted him instead F-Her. Nice!
Francisco Liriano – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.
Adam Jones – 1-for-4, 3rd homer. There was only one hitter in the O’s lineup hitting over .250. That’s Brian Roberts at .266. Member when they were 6-1 to start the year? They haven’t won since. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Sam Fuld – 4-for-4, hitting .396 on the year.
Justin Morneau – Out again with the flu. Instead of Theraflu, Canadians take Cariflu which is 50% medicine, 50% caribou semen.