I read yesterday Brett Anderson might be headed for TJ surgery, which I believe is surgery done while a stray dog limps through the operating room… Wait, Googling TJ surgery. Oh, it’s Tommy John surgery, not Tijuana surgery. Silly me. “No, I don’t want any chiclets, I’m having a tumor removed!” That’s someone in Tijuana having surgery. Something’s wrong with Anderson, Tommy John surgery or not. He’s making a nice run to be included in the definition for Bennis Carpensheeter. I just have to add an ‘r’ and it’s Brennis; you follow, Anderson. I’m sure that’s his main concern. “You know, my career was going fine until I was included in the Razzball glossary.” That’s Brett Anderson talking to Bryant Gumbel’s head in a jar of formaldehyde on Real Sports in 40 years. I wouldn’t drop Anderson yet, but I get the sense it’s not too far away. Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jemile Weeks – A’s are calling up their 2nd base prospect. Jemile, schlimazel… Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Weeks has a brother in the major leagues. $5 says you can name him. Hint: His first name sounds a lot like Sickie. They’re similar players. 20/20 potential over a full season but should wear one of those old Asian lady masks while on a plane so they don’t catch anything. I’m slightly less excited about Weeks because he’s yet to show big power or health in the minor leagues. In AL-Only leagues, of course you take the flyer.
Scott Sizemore – Was recalled. For right now, I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues, but at MI that could change quickly. BTW, MI Is A Name I Call My Middle Infielder was almost a Razzball t-shirt. Alas, for now, you have the Sparky Anklebiter and It’s Tough Being Part Of A Platoon. More to come. Or not. Depends on how these sell, I’m told by the little man with a top hat, cane and tuxedo.
Adam Rosales – Kirsten Drunkst’s co-star of Crazy/Beautiful hit his first home run. He’ll probably co-own the A’s 3rd base timeshare with Sizemore. Should help him save thousands on resort developer fees.
Dee Gordon – Was called up yesterday by the Dodgers. Gordon’s fast. And skinny. He’s 150 pounds. That’s how much my mustache weighs soaking wet. He’s like Juan Pierre at shortstop. Holy effin’ effholes, that’s a beautiful thing. Imagine 60 steals at shortstop. That’s like an 80’s sitcom dream where the wavy lines come in and Edna Garrett is making you a pot roast in a nightie. That’s like Alcides Escobar and Everth Cabrera wrapped up in a burrito of “These are terrible examples, but I’m trying to make a point by lowering expectations.” Gordon has decent enough on base skills to make the speed work, but he’s raw and only 23 years old. Nobody likes you when you’re 23! I’d take a flyer in every league where you need speed, just remember he could steal 35 bases from now until October or he could struggle and be replaced by Furcal in a few weeks. It’s rookie nookie and it could give you a nice adrenaline rush or make you itchy.
Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phillies wasn’t a start I wanted to gamble on. Sonavabench!
Marcus Thames – 0-for-4. Back in the lineup and batting third… The .247 career hitting Marcus Thames. Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Los Angeles Dodgers!
Hanley Ramirez – Finally lands on the DL for the first time in his career. Check it off the bucket list.
Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. After benching or dropping him before his previous solid starts, I figured the only way to get him to throw a terrible game was to stick him in my lineup. Worked like a charm. Slanted mouth emoticon.
Alex Rios – He’s out for a mental break, which in the medical community is called “being out to lunch,” but I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep watching a Scrubs rerun last night. For those with questions on Rios, the girl who’s dating me for my fantasy baseball ‘pertise/mustache, dropped him yesterday. If she can do it, I bet you guys can too.
John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and he tied Wilson Valdez with one win.
Matt Garza – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Welcome back!…And bleh. It’s usually wise to sit a guy coming off the DL until he shows he’s healthy unless he has a good matchup. Against the Reds wasn’t a good matchup and his next start isn’t much better.
Dexter Fowler – I’ve said this a few times on this web log, but how do teams get away with DL’ing whomever they want? A few days ago the Rockies were talking about demoting Fowler, now he’s suddenly DL’d. Don’t have to wear a monocle to find that suspicious.
Charles Blackmon – He’s effectively replacing Fowler. His AAA stats look great .346/10 HRs/12 SBs but he plays in Colorado Springs which is like Coors sans humidor. (BTW, doesn’t this guy have a perfect Caribbean name? U. of Colorado isn’t too far away – could we call him the Buffalo Soldier?) He hasn’t shown great power or speed in the minors so he may turn out to be somewhere between Spilborghs and Seth Smith. Wouldn’t be surprised to see him platoon with Spilborghs since he’s a lefty. Worth a shot in daily leagues, but wouldn’t take a silver bullet for him.
Chris Nelson – 2-for-4 and he’s now started four days in a row. The Rockies really suffer from too much upside. All of their guys are intriguing if they’d just play every day.
Brian Matusz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win. This start was against an A’s lineup that is ranked 25th or lower in all major hitting categories. They only have 33 home runs as a team. That would be bad in the dead ball era. The Ghost of “Home Run” Baker, “Shut your non-wooden teeth mouth, you rapscallion!”
Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. He took the loss and blamed his inability to get major league hitters out. Wait, no, that was me that blamed that.
Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. He could throw a gem next time out or he could give up 7 earned in 3 innings. The mouth on the left side of the screen says “Risk” and the mouth on the right side says “Upside.”
Joakim Soria – Was renamed the closer as the manager said, “Who are we kidding? We got Alex Gordon leading off, a guy with C cups as our DH… Nothing on our team makes sense except our closer. Soria’s back in!”
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBI, 2 runs and his 12th home run. He prefers if you call him The Drubal. If you see him in public, lower your eyes. You don’t meet eyes with The Drubal.
Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 6 ER. This was a solid start. Correction. No, it wasn’t.
Brennan Boesch – 5-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 home runs. Now has 3 home runs in the last three games. Well, he looked good in April for a second, then he looked terrible in May. So it seems like you have another 23 days to own him.
Nelson Cruz – I’d mentioned he hit two home runs yesterday but I’m afraid I’m going to jinx him and he’s going to get hurt. Moving along…
Matt Tolbert – 7 for his last 15, and that’s The Tolbert Report.
Jimmy Rollins – Battling a sore knee. Going for an MRI. They should just put an MRI machine behind 2nd base in Philadelphia and Utley/Rollins will decide before each hitter who’ll get x-rayed. “Reyes is stealing. Throw to 2nd. Utley applies the tag….Reyes is out! And so is Utley for 15 days!”
Brad Lidge – Because of elbow soreness, he’s flying to Philly for exams. Seems like if someone has elbow soreness the last thing they should be doing is flapping their arms.