While balancing a book on their head, the Blue Jays were poised to call up Brett Lawrie just when he fractured his hand. That’s worst timing than the guy down at your local Chuckles nightclub doing an open mic set. But flip our Supreme Buddha In Funny Poses day calender two months later and the hand is healed. In two weeks at Triple-A since his return, he’s hitting near .350 with a homer. Or as Lawrie would say on Twitter #yabuddy. “You want to convey your emotional state while giving the most information possible, all in under 140 characters.” That’s Lawrie explaining Twitter to his Grammie. Lawrie should be up in the next two weeks. So you have to decide if a .300 hitter with good power and speed at 2nd base is worth sitting on your bench until his call up. #yabuddy Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hideki Matsui – Hello, time travelers from 2004. You are not in 2004 anymore. You are in 2011. Hideki Matsui is just hitting again. Though that is not Madonna on your radio, that is Lady Gaga.
Alejandro De Aza – Speaking of Lady Gaga, it’s Alejandro who’s not hot like Mexico. He’s hot like a bagel that was toasted 15 minutes ago. He could steal some bases like a motivated Alex Rios once did, that’s about it.
Collin Cowgill – I just went over my Cowgill fantasy. I wrote it while picking through my garbage for my accidentally discarded contact lens.
Lucas Duda – It’s nice to have all the buys in one place, right? I mean you guys (and three girls) do realize I go over just about all of these players all week long. Just the other day, I was blabbering about how it’s Duda’s day and we’re off to the camptown races. Duda, Duda, day! Duda, Duda, day! Duda, Duda, day! Duda– Sorry, record was skipping.
Jason Bourgeois – Could be the best steals guy since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases with nothing but a pair of used Keds and steroids. He’s a must own as long as he’s starting – though Jason resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat. You’ve been Marxed!
Jon Jay – From Bourgeois to a revolutionary diplomat, bring down the wall…between you and the light-hitting outfielders and Putin Jay!
Josh Reddick – Right now, he’s hitting like he’s getting tips directly from Ted Williams’ frozen head. “I’m so cold, I think I see dead people.” That’s a worker at a cryogenic lab getting a laugh from his co-workers. Are we having a laugh?
Dexter Fowler – Hitting near .400 in the last week. Why won’t you pick up Fowler? Chicken?
Eduardo Nunez – Five steals in the last week. It’s as simple as 1, 2, SAGNOF!
Jason Kipnis – Has started 3 times since he’s been called up and done a whole lot of nothing. Call it a career! He’s done! Or maybe you give him a few more days. You’re so reactionary, but that’s also why we get along so well. Or is it?
Yonder Alonso – I just went over my Yonder Alonso fantasy. I write it while being screamed at by Wally Backman.
Derrek Lee – Hello again, 2004 time traveler! Don’t adjust your calender. Derrek Lee is simply hitting again. Oh, and we no longer refer to Lindsay Lohan as a star or Brittany Murphy as alive.
Edwin Jackson – Back in the league where he’s had little to no success, he’s bound to either prove us wrong or right. Really, is there any other way?
Jeff Niemann – I told you to grab him last week. You didn’t tune me out, did you? I hate when you do that. Maybe we should see other people. I hear fantasy baseball (fill-in word for expert) dot com just broke up with their significant other.
James McDonald – Him and Maholm should think about why they’re so available in fantasy leagues. It just seems, I don’t know, desperate.
Mike Adams – Grab him for potential saves and, if you also own Jon Jay, you can change your team name to The Waiver Wire Fore-Fodders.
Octavio Dotel – Salas has been fine in the closer job, but two hiccups and one mention of how much he liked Rasmus and Dotel could see looks.
Matt Lindstrom – Another totally speculative pick up in case of a trade. Do I really think Huston Street gets traded? No, probably not, but you just need to hold Lindstrom until Monday, then drop him if there’s no movement. Hehe, I said movement. Also, I could’ve put Bobby Parnell here. Hey, look, I just did!
Edward Mujica – Looking more and more (and more?) like Nunez isn’t going to be traded, but, just in case, why not grab Mujica? And instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Ian Stewart – Consider Chris Davis here too. These guys owe me at least five hours of my life back for the amount of times I’ve picked up and dropped them. To think I once christened Stewart with the Mini-Mini Donkey nickname. You, sir, are no donkey. Mini-Mini or otherwise.
Ryan Roberts – This drop is more for mixed leagues. You and Roberts had a good run. You originally thought you were drafting Brian Roberts and it turned out much better than you could’ve ever expected. Now it’s time to move on.
Alfonso Soriano – Member back in April when I kept telling you how good he was? Because he’s good in April. We’re pretty far removed from then. Right now at the plate, Gordon Shumway Soriano looks like he’s on the wrong planet.
Ian Desmond – Alas, he never got on track this year. Has 3 homers and a .220-something average. Steals or no steals, that’s p to the athetic. To be clear, when I wear my flowery doily dress that I nicknamed my Desmond tutu, it’s for Jennings.