I don’t necessarily love Adam LaRoche. Or LaLove him, for that matter. Sure, I’d like him more if he slept with a groupie then screamed, “And that’s how you screw LaPooch!” But I have no way of knowing that, and thinking of LaRoche having groupies is like thinking people actually buy John Tesh CDs. Though I do enjoy La Bouche — want to be my lover, be my lover! LaRoche reminds me of the guy you have on your team that you’re looking to drop all season long for anyone that’s hot, but still gives you 25 homers and passable counting stats. Strike that, he doesn’t remind me of that guy. He is that guy. Are you gonna wake up one morning and say to yourself, “I may have been fired, can’t make my mortgage payment this month and have yellow pits on my favorite t-shirt, but I own LaRoche… Today’s gonna be a good day!” Nah, son, shizz ain’t gonna be that sunny, but he’s hitting and healthy and should be owned. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Hector Santiago – On the podcast the other day, I distinctly remember saying (in my high-pitched Jersey accent that actually makes dogs howl) that Addison Reed would end up with more saves than Santiago this year. Well, la dee whatever, right now you should own Santiago.
Brad Lidge – Storen is out for a few months. Does he come back at all this year? I don’t know, but when that’s even a question you should be speculating on the doodes getting saves for the Nats. Right now, that’s Lidge and Henry Rodriguez — or Benry Ridge, which sounds like a green-conscious company. Here at Benry Ridge we know your stool isn’t just something short people stand on.
Santiago Casilla – I just went over him and Romo this morning. Try the scroll, player.
Chone Figgins – Batting leadoff and over .300 as of this writing. Do I love him? Figgy, please! But there’s some value here. On a side note: I had to draft a 12-team AL-Only team for Rudy the other day (and drafted Figgy for like $4). Anyway, due to ESPN’s terrible draft room and my friend’s dog that I was watching, I accidentally nominated Scott Baker (after it was announced he’d be out for the season) and ended up with him for $1. I only nominated him because he was on the top of the out-of-date list and my time ran out because I had my hands filled with a barking dog. Obviously, I’m not drafting him and an online draft should be the best approximation to an in-person one. You shouldn’t be penalized because of stupid draft software. Immediately, I asked the draft to be paused — as we had paused it numerous times already because people accidentally bid too much or something — only this time it turned out that the host of the draft wasn’t there anymore, so no one had the controls to pause the draft. Seriously, if you host a league, have the decency to be at the draft.
Kyle Seager – In that same AL-Only league that I drafted for Rudy, I grabbed Seager for cheap. The next day Rudy was like, “Good grab on Seager.” I thought he was being sarcastic. That shows you how much I think of Seager. He’s a guy with an outside chance for a 10/10 season. Honestly, he may not be that much worse than Ackley this year.
A.J. Pierzynski – Okay, now I will walk into oncoming traffic for suggesting Pierzynski.
David Murphy – There’s a contingent of people that love David Murphy, and some that just don’t get it. Call it the Murph Wars. In the big picture, he’s really a 15/12 guy with a decent average that should only be started vs. righties. But he’s also a guy that seems to produce whenever you pick him up, though that might be confirmation bias or some other fancy Psych 101 term.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – I like Nieuwenhuis even if his name is impossible to spell. His surname sounds like a starter home in Sweden. He has decent pop and the Mets just have to stop playing Bay. Like fo’ real, fo’ real.
Lance Lynn – I like Lance a lot. His walks and Moor time he sees in the rotation may be his undoing, but he brings a solid ground ball and K-rate to the round table. (<–Dorkiest puns ever!)
Jeff Samardzija – The buzz feels a little stronger on Samardzija than Lynn. I get it, he was throwing near-100 MPH at the end of his first start. That’s exciting, that gets the blood flowing to the nether regions without any blue pills. I think Samardzija does have a higher upside, but Lynn should be a tad safer. With upside comes downside, i.e., sex is nice, but now she’s emotionally attached and she just called you “Poopsie” around your friends.
Edinson Volquez – Kinda surprised I have to beg people to pick him up. Everyone open your prayer book to “Guys who can get 200 Ks that are on waivers.” Okay, now read from it. You, “Edinson Volquez. Um, that’s all it says.” Yup.
Joe Weiland – Hodgepadre!
Juan Nicasio – Has a 7+ K-rate and should have around a 3.75 ERA. There’s always the Coors Field factor, but that’s to scare girls (no offense, 4 girl readers, that’s a figure of speech).
Jon Niese – “Hey, Grey, let me ask you a pregunta that you can use your big brain for? Edinson, Nicasio, Samardbfslkbkfwsa, Lynn or Niese? Thank you and your mustache; it looks extra bushy today!” Niese is the safest without the upside.
J.D. Martinez – He’s hitting third for the Astros and… Gah! I tried so hard to get through that compliment. He’s a’ight. Will probably have solid counting stats and 20+ homers. He’s really not that different than LaRoche (obviously a different position). Rudy likes him a decent amount. Rudy knows his shizz. Some time ask Rudy about the time he vomited in the back of a taxi, then, once you got him talking, ask him about J.D.
Alejandro De Aza – You pick him up for the steals and you stay for the occasional homer and fun you can have singing his first name at a gay bar. In all seriousness, he could be a cheap Victorino.
Alex Presley – I was downright floored — floored, I tell ya! — when I saw he was only owned in 6.6% of ESPN leagues. Save that fear of success shizz for your real life, this is fantasy baseball!
Jordan Schafer – What’s this a 4,000 word post about speedy outfielders that have some minor pop? I will pop you, son!
Ryan Sweeney – I told you to pick him up last week and I’m not going to repeat myself. And that’s me quoting me, but, and this is a J. Lo-sized but, what a schmohawk! Are you being meta? Yes, Random Italicized Voice.
Mark Trumbo – I was surprised to get questions the last few days about dropping Trumbo. I didn’t think people drafted him. Stone Hands At 3rd + Pujols + Morales + Crowded Outfield = A near mint Dave Concepción rookie card. Hmm, that math looks wrong. I think I forgot to carry a one somewhere. Either way, you need to look elsewhere if you own Trumbo.
Chad Billingsley – Is there any pitcher that had cushier matchups his first two times out? Padres are like a throwback offense to the dead ball era and the Pirates haven’t had a winning season since Chuck Tanner. If you think you can flip Bills, I’d make sure I had some back support. If you think you can trade him for someone like, say, Luebke, I’d do it.
Brandon Belt – I still like him, but he’s the sun and Bochy’s head is the moon and there’s a total eclipse of the gooftard.