Greeting all! Tis I again, Tehol Beddict, your loyal and humble servant, here to help you out with all of life’s problems, and big problem many of you have right now is owning my boy Ham-bone AKA Josh Hamilton. The travesty that is the Angels 2013 season continues to baffle even baseball’s greatest minds. “Did it baffle Tehol Beddict the Great?” you might ask your friends and family, and the answer would be no. It’s well know that I hold the powers of Extrasensory perception (ESP to the laypersons), and one night while smoking mass quantities of peyote laced with the purest Colombian powders on God’s beautiful earth, I had a vision. A vision of the Angels having an impotently insignificant season a la Jonathan Taylor Thomas post Home Improvement. My visions have become a reality and am I the only one with a wood from that J.T.T. vid? It’s hard to envision the continuation of this disgraceful ball playing from Hamilton for much longer, as he should eventually turn it around. Or he could get hurt and along with Pujols, become shells of their former selves. Personally, I would never give up on Hamilton as he is one of my favorite players of all time, but I’ll let you make that decision for yourselves (or ask me in the comment section). Others are probably trying to low ball you for “Ham-borgini” as we speak. Don’t bite just quite yet, or you could end up coming up shorter than a midget on his or her knees. Here’s what else I saw this week thus far.
Yuniesky Betancourt – With 21.5 points on the week, Betancourt continues to absolutely blow my f#cking mind. This certainly cannot be the same little rosebud who played for my Seattle Mariners years ago, because that guy sucked in a non-sexual way. I must be getting him confused with someone else, for Betancourt is absolutely killing it right now. Do I respect him enough to add him to any of my many squadrons? Absolutely not, but the numbers simply can’t be ignored. If for some peculiar reason he is available in your league, make sure you add him after you read this. I refuse to believe in him but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Shoot, the wondrous Grey Albright even owns him. What more do you need to know?
Jean Segura – The Segura show is in no danger of cancellation as this fantasy beast continues to slaughter his opposition on a seemingly nightly basis. He’s racked up 27.5 points this week already, and he seems incapable of slowing down. I punish myself nightly for not drafting him. I feel like Kim Kardashian after Ray-J put out their sex video: A stupid slut. I thought Jean was a girl’s name. Clearly it’s not. Kudos if you drafted him.
Carlos Gomez – A lot of Brewers on here today. I seem to recall some fantasy baseball sites recommending the dropping of Gomez……….. If you did this, you may want to just call it a season. I’m kidding! You’re gonna be fine……… 37.5 points already this week……… YIKES!
Dominic Brown – With 12.5 points on the week thus far, the man I once knighted “Sir Dominic” seems to be poised to break out. Anything less than 25 homers would shock me quite honestly. Witness.
Desmond Jennings – I’m starting to believe Jennings is nothing special whatsoever. 0 points on the week? Really dude? The guy is pushing 30 and it may just never happen.
Todd Frasier – Frasier’s play this week is sort of how I’d imagine another famous Todd playing baseball. The Todd I speak of starred in Wedding Crashers, dropping priceless lines such as “I’ll be in my room, doing homo things,” and “Oh would that make you love me ?” Things aren’t looking good.
Giancarlo Stanton – I love when guys I have in weekly leagues get hurt on Mondays.
Andrew Cashner – How many of you tried to get sneaky and play Cashner in your reliever spot this week? How’s that -7.5 tasting? Probably a lot like Bull D!ck I’d guess.
Edwin Encarnacion – This man has been beating the baseball with the kind of authority Ike Turner would be proud of. Chris Brown has nothing on Ike folks. Hopefully we see an increase in batting average for Edwin here in the next few weeks. If you believe, it will happen. Well, not always, but in this case I’m pretty sure.
Josh Donaldson – If only I’d grabbed this hog 2 weeks ago. This can’t keep up? Can it……. WHO IS THIS GUY!?
That’s all I have time for this week my friends. I’m traveling to Carmel for a strippers convention and won’t be sleeping the entire time. That’s the goal anyway, but don’t fret, as I’ll have my tablet to answer any questions or comments with my usual quickness. I left my chicken at my photographer’s home so pray for her safety, as my photographer has been known to practice beastiality. May the Gods forever be in your favor and let us pray I don’t receive herpes this weekend.