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An exciting kickoff to the 2013 MLB season. I’m sure  Ken Burns documented it all with black and white photos, mournful fiddle music and the soothing voice of Doris Kearns Goodwin. But, in case you missed it, here’s…

The good: Yu Darvish nearly perfect, 2-homer opener for Bryce Harper,  Michael Morse pretends he’s Hammerin’ Hank and Heidi Watney’s tight black dress.

The bad: The Houston Lastros, the Detroit closer conundrum, anytime Carlos Marmol picks up a baseball, and Josh Reddick’s “Duck Dynasty” beard (Banjo Man lives in there).

The ugly: Brett Lawrie out 2 weeks, Brian “Glass Joe” Roberts out 4 weeks, Ryan Ludwick out 12 weeks, Johan Santana done for the year, and that Louisville player with the pretzel leg injury — ouch! Get well soon, kid.

So, with the first week down, let the overreactions begin. Maybe you are convinced your 18 fantasy teams are circling the drain to Loserville, USA. Damn you John Axford. But, 18 teams? (In my best Seth Myers voice) Really? You may need a stay in fantasy rehab. The Whitey Ford Clinic? Or how about a 12 step program? Call it Al Alberqueque Anonymous if you want. I don’t care. I don’t have a  freakin’ problem. What?! Someone just dropped Steve Cishek? *Hands…shaking…too…badly…to make…waiver…claim*

Perhaps one day this scenario will make a depressing Nicholas Cage film.”Leaving Las Vargas” anyone? But for now, come in off the ledge, take your head out of the oven, put down the potato peeler (that’s a terrible plan) and let The Guru be your Dr. Drew. Time to Jam or Cram these potential hit makers that could relieve your waiver wire DT’s.

Jam it or Cram it with Jackie Bradley Jr, OF, Boston Red Sox

Rankings: He was outside looking in at the top 500 players.

Projections: 62 R, 45 RBI, 12 HR, 22 SB, .280 AV

Availability: He’s out there in 54% of Yahoo leagues.

The Gist: JBJ had a nice debut this week. 3 walks on opening day against Sabathia at Yankee stadium. Here’s a gooey factoid for ya:  Bradley has one less 3-walk game in his first week than Carl Crawford had in his Sox career. Boston fans are already erecting a statue next to Ted. But, I would not get all stemmy just yet. Bradley has only 499 minor league ABs and only 61 games above A ball. He did play for a big college program at South Carolina. He played on a College World Series championship team and was the MVP of the series in 2010. What you hear about Bradley is “poise”.  I think he passes the eyeball test; which is watching MLB tonight through the holes in a cracker while listening to the Grateful Dead’s “Terrapin Station”. Come on funny feelings. But the test says Bradley belongs in the bigs. There are some projections of Bradley being a 20/40 guy. Not going to happen. I see him as a Shane Victorino or Coco Crisp type of player with a little less speed.

Key Stats: Baseball Prospectus has him the #27th ranked prospect. Hit .441 with 2 HR, 2 SB and 14 RBI this spring. Celebrated making the team with his family at Applebee’s. Ok, not really a key stat, but we get free chicken wonton taco’s for the mention. Enjoy.

First Week of April Don’t Mean $@#%: 4 R, 0 HR, 3 RBI, 1 SB, .214 AV

The X-File: If Bradley is hitting over .280 when David Ortiz comes back at the end of April, the Sox will have some tough decisions to make. I say Bradley sticks and will be a rookie of the year candidate.

Now you decide: Jam it or Cram it?

*in my best Rod Roddy voice* Contestant #2, come on down. Jam it or Cram it with Gerardo “Rico Suave” Parra, OF, Arizona Diamondbacks

Rankings: Outside the top 400

Projections: 75 R, 14 HR, 58 RBI, 20 SB, .285 AV

Availability: He’s available in 73% of Yahoo leagues.

The Gist: With Adam Eaton out until mid-May, Parra has grabbed the leadoff spot and may have to have it pried from his cold, pine tar stained hands. To open the year he’s hitting .500, with a homer, 4 doubles, a triple, a steal, an OBP of .500, an OPS of 1.500 and a collection of Venezuelan groupies that makes Ozzie Guillen say a lot of naughty words.  Hello Mr. Parra, where have you been? Well, nowhere actually. While still only 25, Parra has been part of the D-Backs since 2009. In the past 2 seasons, Parra has 30 SB, a .283 AV and 15 HR in less than 900 AB. I am interested to see what Parra can do with at least 500 AB in a season. If you drafted Eaton or Cody Ross, are part of a 15-deep or NL-only league, Parra could be a tasty add. Chicken wonton taco kind of tasty.

Key Stats: In 225 AB’s at leadoff, he’s hitting .310 with an OBP of .366 and slugging .483. Parra’s career OPS against righties is over .750. If you like to stream hitters, stream away when Parra plays at Chase Field and enjoy his .804 home OPS.

First Week Don’t Mean @$&#: Think we covered it, but Parra had 4 hits in the opener against the Cards. The only other D-Back with 4 hits on opening day? Steve Finley. That’s a gooey factoid. Your welcome. Taco please.

The X-File: With the injuries to Eaton, Ross, and utility guy Willie Bloomquist, Parra will play everyday and hit leadoff. If he can prove it against lefties (.256 in his career, .277 last year) there is .300 AV, 15 HR, 25 SB potential. He’s a solid streamer to ride while he’s hot and Parra will help, not hurt, those wanting to feed the fantasy monkey on their back that whispers, “Go on, you know you want to add him. One won’t hurt.”

Now you decide: Jam it or Cram it? 

*Bonus Tracks* Jam it or Cram it starter streamers this week include:

Clay Buchholz vs BAL, Jam
Brett Myers vs NYY, Cram
Paul Maholm vs MIA, Jam
Edwin Jackson vs MIL, Cram
Brandon Maurer vs HOU, Jam
Wandy Rodriguez vs CIN, Cram

  1. Public Enemy#1 says:
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    So, choose one to go after with some FAAB in the NFBC…JBJ or Parra?

    • Public Enemy#1 says:
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      @Public Enemy#1: Also, how would Juan Francisco (w/Freeman out a couple weeks) and Heisey compare to the potential JBJ and Parra pick ups?

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        Todd Frazier. Have I mentioned my Frazier man-crush?

        Jam: Parra. Stream him while he’s hot.
        Jam: JBJ. Interesting first week. Some power, some speed. Wish he was hitting higher in the order.
        Cram: Francisco. He’ll strikeout. A lot.
        Cram: Heisey. Hitting .150, some power potential. I’m not a believer.

  2. Brian says:
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    I think Buchholz will have a solid year in 2013. I really do. But no way I’m streaming Buchholz against the O’s. The O’s have been pounding the ball this year. They’ve scored 30-35 runs in 5 games this year. Grab Buchholz off the wire if you want, but don’ start him against Crush Davis and Jonesey and crew…

    Jam Edwin Jackson. A-Ram is out. Braun is probably out. Weeks and a PTBNL will be batting 3 and 4….

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I think John Farrell will get the best out of Buchholz this season. Davis is hot, will it last? Davis BA vs Buch is .218. I like the chances at home.

      If he’s a Cub starter and doesn’t have a “Z” in his name I’m not touching him.

      • BTD says:
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        @The Guru: Man, you were spot on!

  3. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    I’m a Parra believer and with Eaton out (any injury that involves UCL is kinda scary) he will stay put in the leadoff spot.

  4. John Mycell says:
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    Jose Fernandez or Alexi Ogando as my 6th starter? Watching Jose Fernandez right now and getting an itchy trigger finger, Ogando is the only guy I can drop (or Teheran maybe.)

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I dropped Teheran for Jo-Fer last night.

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        Jo-Fer third SP since 1916 with 8+K’s in MLB debut. That’s a gooey factoid.

        • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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          @The Guru: Fernandez lost a win on the final pitch of the day.

          • The Guru

            The Guru says:
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            Welcome to Miami, kid.

      • Dan Pants

        blairtch says:
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        @The Guru: I ended up dropping JBJ for Jo-Fer. Hoping I can get him back, but there was no one else I could drop (Shelby Miller, B. Parnell). Would you have done the same or am I crazy?

  5. gareth says:
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    There’s some interesting pitchers that were just dropped by overreacting owners. Lance lynn, jamie garcia, wade miley, ryan vogelsong. Would you drop cahill for one of these guys?

  6. gareth says:
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    Ouch. Ra dickey owners. Davis price owners.

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Some “aces” getting pounded today.

  7. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    I’d grab Lynn. I like that SP/RP option.

    • gareth says:
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      Its a cbs league where its just pitcher spots. So the sp / rp thing is not a factor.

  8. gareth says:
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    Masterson and jiminez are actually looking god for the tribe. Fantasy relevance again for the indians starters?

  9. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Only if they are facing the Astros.

  10. gareth says:
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    Hamels anotber ace getting shellacked.

  11. gareth says:
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    My smARtphone makes me loook like a grammatically inept fool. 2start pitchers next week. Bench lincecum, haren and gallardo?

  12. gareth says:
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    Weekly league. Who sits out of these guys – swisher, gardner or reddick? For week 2.

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Swish

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Keep an eye on the possible Reddick arm injury though.

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        X-rays negative, Reddick day to day.

  13. Public Enemy#1 says:
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    Thoughts on FraGu?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      If he stays healthy he has value. Worth a stream while he’s hot and playing the Lastros this week.

  14. gareth says:
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    Kennedy or sherzer a better trade target? Was thinking of packaging tim lincecum and bobby parnell for one of these guys. Owner I’m targeting has them both. And sale!

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      If you can get Scherzer that would be stealing.

  15. gareth says:
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    Carlos santana 5 for 5 with a home run. Screw you grey and your hate of taking catchers early. This guy is a beast!

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Hey, let’s leave the mother’s out of this. My experience has been this: reach early for a catcher, reach early for a drink because you’re out of contention.

  16. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Lincecum is tempting facing the Rockies and Cubs. The other two I say “cram”.

  17. gareth says:
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    Boggs worth a pick up or is rosenthal going to take it? Btw, what’s the eta on motte?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I don’t think the Motte situation is a good one. I don’t think we will see him until June. I’d stay with Boggs for now. Rosenthal worth a pick up in deeper leagues.

  18. Arrow says:
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    Hi,
    Jesus Montero is my catcher right now. Can I swap him with any of the following catchers in the waiver?

    B. Mcann,
    A. Avila
    J. Lucroy
    R. Doumit
    R. Martin..

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      WWJD? I’d hold for now.

  19. Darcy Butler says:
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    I’d jam JBJ… that sounds naughtier than it should.

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Should I say that in my best Charles Nelson Reilly voice on the Tuesday podcast?

      JBJ looking overmatched the last few AB’s. Let’s see how Fenway Park treats him this week.

      • Darcy says:
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        @The Guru: I’ll be listening in hopes that you do.

  20. Snag says:
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    No pics of Heidi Watney’s tight black dress? gtfo.

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      She’s the only reason to watch Quick Pitch. With the sound off and candles lit of course.

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        Next weeks Jam it or Cram it: Heidi Watney vs Jenny Dell.

  21. Scooter says:
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    I have Street and Cishek (blown save today) on my team. should i drop Cishek for Benoit or Herrera or hold on to him?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I’d hold for now. Bad day for closers and aces today.

  22. AL KOHOLIC says:
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    another set of closer melt downs today,herrera will probably replace holland soon,would you hancuff collins over dotel(who gave up 2 runs today)

  23. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Putz just blew a save, too. It’s a closerpocalypse! I’m going to stick with Dotel for now.

    • AL KOHOLIC says:
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      @The Guru: thanks,as i said yesterday,thanks to all of you guys post and answers on the weekends,really helps

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        No prob, Al. Follow me on twitter @GuruGsimpson03
        I’m always up for sum fantasy baseball thoughts.

        • AL KOHOLIC says:
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          @The Guru: cool,will do,keep up the great work

  24. Mike says:
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    Somebody dropped Salvador Perez in my league… drop Jesus Montero for him or hold?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I would do that all day, everyday. Perez is a top 5 catcher this year. Apologies to Jesus.

      • Mike says:
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        @The Guru: Gracias!

        • The Guru

          The Guru says:
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          No prob. R,HR,RBI will be about the same except Perez can give you AV too.

  25. Wizo says:
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    Wieters/Hanley or Salvador Perez/Allen Craig

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I am leaning the Craig side before Hanley’s injury.

  26. Public Enemy#1 says:
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    Guru, drop Pestano for KHerrera or JHenderson? If so, would you prefer Herrera or Henderson? Thanks for your thoughts and opinions!

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Is it a holds league per chance? If not, I would do an April roll of the dice and drop Pestano for Henderson. Holland has not lost the job, yet. Axford is toast.

      • Public Enemy#1 says:
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        @The Guru: Not a holds league. I’ll make the move for Henderson! Would you also consider dropping Pestano for Herrera as a back up plan?

        • The Guru

          The Guru says:
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          Here’s a gooey prediction: Pestano is a full-time closer before Herrera.

          • Scooter says:
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            do you like henderson or cishek ROS also is AJ griffin (6th arm, praying haren proves to be an ok 5th) worth dropping for henderson

            • The Guru

              The Guru says:
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              I would hold Cishek for now. Griffin and Haren? yuck.

  27. the nature boy says:
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    im ahead on innings pitched and choose to sit weaver tonight,do you concur,this would be one of the few where i would think of sitting him

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Its been a bad day for aces for sure. And Weaver has a 4.88 in Arlington. I would sit him then trade him for Scherzer. Not a fan, can you tell?

      • the nature boy says:
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        @The Guru: thanks,it doesnt help that i own Beltre and berkman also,hehe

        • The Guru

          The Guru says:
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          At least its only April.

  28. Jay29 says:
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    I noticed you got your 2nd sentence from the 3/28/13 episode of “The Colbert Report.”

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Great minds perhaps. Was Doris Kearns Goodwin a guest?

  29. the nature boy says:
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    we want Myers,we want Myers

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      You and 27,845 others!

  30. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Did Kyle Loshe PH in the Brewers game today? Uh-oh Brew Crew.

  31. Ryan says:
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    Picked up HYU before today’s seat vs Pitt…he looked good
    Is he a keeper for now or a streamer and move on?
    10 team standard
    Thanks!

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I dont love Hyu, but I kind of like like Hyu. Who else is on your staff?

  32. Ryan says:
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    My other starters are price,baumgartner,J Zimmerman,Scherzer,and Estrada
    Not confident in Estrada and was thinking of dropping him and keeping HYU from dodgers

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I would hold Estrada for now.

  33. Vinny says:
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    Pick two:

    Aj burnett vs cin
    Maurer vs hou and tex
    Parker vs det and laa

  34. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Maurer and Parker. I like the Maurer/Houston match up a lot and I think Parker will bounce back from that first start.

  35. Joe says:
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    I’m unlucky enough to have Greg Holland and John Axford. I have no room on the bench for their back ups, so which (if any/both) should I drop, and for who?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      If I am dropping one it’s Axford for Hendersson.

  36. KB says:
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    Why cram E-Jax vs. MIL? He has a 3.06 career ERA in 47 IP and Braun, Aramis and Hart all will be out of the lineup – plus Wrigley in April is cold. Not too condusive to runs/home runs.

    • KB says:
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      @KB: 47 IP vs.MIL, I meant

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        Must be my anti-Cubs bias. At the time I thought Braun would be back and Segura got hurt today too, ugh.

        • the nature boy says:
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          @The Guru: cool,glas we decided to sit weaver,im mean its not a day killer yet but 4 runs in 4 in and 9 h/bb with 2 measley k,s,plus berkman did give me a needed hr

          • The Guru

            The Guru says:
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            Good call.

  37. Sabathias Cocked hat! says:
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    Oh Great Guru!

    *Rubs belly*
    I have Viciedo and was offered my choice of the litter between Worley, Garza and Fiers. Thoughts?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Hey there, Cocked Hat. Garza out at least another month and when grabbing a pitcher this deep I tend to go for a National Leaguer so I suppose I say Fiers while holding my nose.

  38. Mariner Mike says:
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    @The Guru: @The Guru: my staff 10 team league scherzer,samardzja,harvey,ryu,estrada,and hammel what do you think? Also have profar and taveras stashed good idea?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Staff looks good and lets hope you get the upside benefits of Harvey, Ryu and Estrada this year. Profar and Taveras might get traded for each other, that would be cool because I want to see them playing in the bigs. However, I usually dont stash 2 minor league guys unless I have a big roster. I assume you do. Good luck on the season and thanks for writing.

      • Mariner Mike says:
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        @The Guru: 10 team league could you review my team. weiters,encarnacion,aaron hill,longoria,tulo,cespedes,ellsbury,cuddyer and butler. Bench kendrys morales,garrett jones , and rutledge along with profar and taveras thank you in advance for your advice

        • The Guru

          The Guru says:
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          Not bad, but question marks with Tulo, Ells in the health department, light on speed for sure. I’d say you have one of those “if theses guys live up to their poential” type teams. And like I said, I dont like to have guys on the bench not playing. I usually rotate a bench spot or two and stream some hot bats. But the fun part of fantasy baseball is taking some chances. Good luck this season.

        • Mariner Mike says:
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          @Mariner Mike: @The Guru: 10 team league could you review my team. weiters,encarnacion,aaron hill,longoria,tulo,cespedes,ellsbury,cuddyer and butler. Bench kendrys morales,garrett jones , and rutledge along with profar and taveras thank you in advance for your advice

          • The Guru

            The Guru says:
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            I think the online war room is a great post draft tool to see how your team projections stack up.

  39. Jon says:
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    In a numbers crunch- drop Hicks or Leonys Martin?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I am not ready to give up on Martin. I still say he will put up 15 HR and close to 20 steals.

  40. Tarzan says:
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    I’m in a keeper league where you lose players if they get demoted…. How do you rate the chances of Bradley sticking in the majors for the whole year?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Great question, Tarzan. He looked sure to stick coming out of spring training, but the last few days he has looked over matched at times. What he has going for him is defense and the ability to do the “little things”. While that might help in real baseball, it wont help fantasy wise. If Ortiz comes back by the end of the month and Bradley is struggling, the Sox will send him down to save that year of eligibility before Bradley can be a free agent. I think this week at Fenway park will be a real indication if he is going to stay or not. If he produces, he will be here for the year. And if he struggles he is going to the Paw Sox when Papi comes back.

  41. LT says:
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    Is there any reason at all to keep Marmol? Best available left is Pestano and Herrera. No chance for a turnaround?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I will try to leave my Cubs bias out of this. But i keep hearing the cubs will do what it takes to get Marmol on track. Seems like they did and he has lost the closers job. I see no value there at all. I would grab Henderson, Herrera or Pestano in that order. Thanks for reading. There will be saves to find.

  42. Anthony says:
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    Great piece! Two questions for you, I’m stashing Eaton, any chance Parra keeps Eaton from the everyday job upon his return? Also, don’t know what to do in my mixed h2h points league….start Waino once at home vs Milwaukee or Cahill twice at home vs Pitt and Dodgers. What would you do? Thanks

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Hey Anthony, thanks. Parra really helped me this week on a couple of teams. Eaton may be a good stash on your DL, but when theres talk of UCL injuries, warning bells go off for me. Hes at least a month away I think. And if Parra stays hot, I dont think Gibson will throw Eaton into the leadoff spot right off.

      The Waino/Cahill question is a tough one. But I would lean towards the two start option. Especially with a banged up Brewers team and Cahills career 2.84 ERA against the Dodgers.

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        sorry, the first start is Pitt. Cahill has one start against them and only gave up 2 hits.

  43. rm says:
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    I’m curious about starter streamers. Obviously Astros and Marlins are two teams to target pitchers against.. who else should we target?

    I’m thinking Cubs, Mets, Padres, Mariners.. but obviously they’re all much riskier than the Astros and Marlins. Anyone else better/worse than them?

  44. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Those are all good targets for sure. I’m also thinking the Brewers might be a team to target depending on the match up because of their injuries.

  45. Kangaroo Hops says:
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    Love this: “I think he passes the eyeball test; which is watching MLB tonight through the holes in a cracker while listening to the Grateful Dead’s “Terrapin Station”. Come on funny feelings.” I’m hungry for crackers now.

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      And jam to some Dead?

  46. David Choate says:
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    I have the braves Simmons at short, but with his recent injury I’ve moved zobrist there and picked up mark Ellis to play 2nd. What do you think about trading price, Ellis and Mauer (who I have playing 1st cause I have Santana at catcher) in return for darvish and utley. I have berkman and Matt carpenter on my bench that could serve as my 1st baseman. Go ahead with the trade or hold out?

    • David Choate says:
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      I apologize for the double post, I didn’t see my post initially

  47. David Choate says:
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    Ii have atlantas Simmons at short, but with his recent injury have moved Zobrist to short and picked up mark Ellis for 2nd. Should I go through with a Mauer and price trade to acquire darvish and utley? I have Mauer playing first cause of Santana at catcher, and I have berkman and Matt carpenter both on my bench to fill the first base spot. Smart trade?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      I think you could do better. Utley won’t last the year.

  48. Barnes says:
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    I currently have Goldschmidt, Middleton and Konerko. I am looking to trade Konerko and Coco Crisp for Jacoby Ellsbury. Good trade?

    • The Guru

      The Guru says:
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      Lots of upside with Ellsbury all depending on health. Don’t these Scott Boras guys usually have great contract years? I’d roll the dice and make this trade.

  49. riker says:
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    do I drop JBJ for Franklin guitierrez? 7 k’s and batting .143… is he worth holding for now?

    and what in the world do I do with josh Hamilton and Scutaro?

    thanks for your help

  50. The Guru

    The Guru says:
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    Cram JBJ (sorry DirtDogs) and Jam F-Gu. Guitierrez is only 2 years away from a season where he hit 18 HR and had 15 SB.

    As for Josh Hamilton, whhhhyyyyy??? But, you did, so you can’t trade for 50 cents on the dollar. We all know he’s very streaky and he will get hot. Hold on Hamilton.

    Where are you using Scutaro? If you need a SS, Jed Lowrie is available in some spots.

    • riker says:
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      @The Guru:

      w/r/t Hamilton, I took over a team in a keeper league last year, so I kept him, tulowotzki and Brandon Phillips. should have traded Hamilton last seaso but oh well.

      Scutaro is in my middle infielder flex position and Jed lowrie is already gone

      • The Guru

        The Guru says:
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        not knowing who is available for you, just grab the hot bat and ride it.

Comments are closed.