You know what they call three 4-baggers in New York? An A-Rod post-game party. It’s a good thing Clorox is headquartered in Oakland because Billy Beane is going to want to rinse his eyes with bleach after this game. Russell Martin went 5-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (one grand slam), Grandy hit a grannie going 2-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and Cano added in one of his own with 5 RBIs. A video of this game should be shown next time the issue of a salary cap comes up at the Winter Meetings. Russell Martin has 17 homers on the year. Even if all of them were Pesci Pole assisted, it would still be a solid year. Then throw in 8 steals and decent runs and RBIs, and it’s no wonder Alyssa Milano fields his fly balls. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jim Thome – Luckily, he got to enjoy his 600th home run on the Twins. What an event! Was like Geraldo Rivera finding a second bottle of whiskey. Thome continues his ride on the casino bus to the Indians. How appropriate. To continue the gambling comparison, right now the Indians are like the guy at the ATM taking out money he doesn’t have to double down on the Pass Line at a cold craps table. Hey, Indians, it was a good run, but you’re throwing good money after bad. Go grab a $9.99 steak dinner and bark obscenities at tourists. You’re not making the playoffs anymore. Thome’s not changing that. As for fantasy, Thome gives the occasional homer, not much else. Um, okay.
Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Disgraceful List for the 2nd time this year. To keep this PG-13, thanks for ruining my fantasy teams this year, you fargin’ icehole. I will forever refrain-cisco.
Jemile Weeks – 3-for-5, 2 steals. He’s struggled a bit recently with his bat, but he’s still capable of the steals so if you need that I’d hold tight.
Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4 on Wednesday and a homer yesterday. I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t be.
Rich Harden – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Ks are there but the up and down starts make me want to avoid him. Speaking of up and down, I told Rudy he should give a listen to the Kanye/Jay-Z song, “Otis,” and he asked why they wrote a song about the inventor of the elevator.
Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. After me ranking him in the preseason as the number one catcher for three years, it looks like he’s finally made good. Sometimes I’m just too prescient (Word of the Day!) for my own good.
Michael Bourn – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI. Maybe I’m greedy, but when a guy like Bourn gets four hits and no steals, I can’t helped feel a wee bit gypped. My apologies to all of our gypsy readers.
Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. 3.31 ERA, 1.15 WHIP and 128 Ks in 114 1/3 IP. I told everyone to grab him in every league, to toot my own horn (though if I could actually toot my own horn, I wouldn’t have time for fantasy baseball).
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in as many games. Now has 29 homers on the year with a .220 average. If Mini Donkey could just get his average up to the .250 range, he’d be a thing of beauty. But I guess that’s always been the Reynolds rap.
Ryan Adams – 4 for his last 7. The Orioles new 2B is just like the rock musician, Ryan Adams. He has a little bit of pop, strikes out a lot and likes having sex with Mandy Moore. The only difference is that the musician Ryan Adams actually gets to have sex with Mandy Moore.
Adrian Gonzalez – Now has, like, 17 homers in the last three days as him and Ellsbury lock horns for MVP votes. That should help fill 42 minutes of a Sportscenter.
Carlos Quentin – Out until next week with shoulder pain that has him feeling less than manly. You know what makes me feel manly? Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.
Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Morrow and him are all over the map from start to start. Gem, coal, coal, gem… Then you get the occasional 6 IP, 5 ER with 9 Ks which, I suppose, is the blood diamond.
Alexi Ogando – 4 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. I wouldn’t be surprised if his arm is tired. BTW, somehow a tired arm is worse than an arm that falls asleep. Weird!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer in 21 games. Prior to last night, he went 0-for-14 with 6 Ks. Has 27 Ks in 21 games. I think Goldschmidt is gonna fit in perfectly with the Diamondhacks.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now one earned run in his last fourteen innings and only one terrible start in his last ten. Fister’s only drawback is he doesn’t punch out many hitters, ironically.
Austin Jackson – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs and his 133th strikeout to go with a .306 OBP. Somewhere Rickey Henderson is mumbling to himself in 3rd person.
Brad Penny – It came out yesterday that he criticized Sean Rodriguez for running hard on a routine fly ball. Penny also screams at players for being clean-shaven and having better metabolisms.