R.A. Dickey put up another insane line yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 walks, 13 Ks. I don’t own him anywhere (of course, I wish I owned him everywhere), but this is the kind of season that’s just fun to watch from a real baseball perspective. Basically, I’m gay for Dickey. That’s the 2nd definition of gay. Dickey now has 41 2/3 straight scoreless innings, two straight one-hitters, 103 Ks to 21 walks and a 2.00 ERA with a 0.89 WHIP. I don’t think his scoreless streak qualifies for Orel Hershier’s record, because of an unearned run and we all know how much baseball holds its records sacrosanct. *cough* McGwire hugging Roger Maris’s family while a needle falls out of his pocket and Selig kicks it under a seat *cough* Last time out, I posited that Dickey was a top ten starter, if I’m using posited correctly. Well, if I could use posited wrong, he’s positedly awesome. I love how he’s going to isolate fair-weather baseball fans when he starts the All-Star Game. Casual fans show up to see pitchers throw 100 MPH and then you got Dickey. Nerding baseball up one knuckler at a time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ike Davis – 1-for-3 with a grand slam. Ten days ago, his average was .158 and now it’s up to .196. He seems to have turned his titanically awful season around right before he hit the iceberg, lettuce hope at least. See, what I did there? I faked the pun left and went right. If Ike were on my waivers, I’d give him another shot because he’s hitting; love’s got nothing to do with it.
Evan Longoria – Had a setback yesterday during his rehab. Sounds like the 2nd act break of Trainspotting. We were only relying on Longoria’s return in, like, every league. In three weekly leagues, we preemptively put him in our lineups. We even dropped our backup. Granted, it was only Robert Andino, but still.
Brandon Beachy – Tear in his UCL, which usually means Tommy John surgery. He’s going to see Dr. Freeze, which always means Tommy John surgery.
CC Sabathia – 9 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks while A-Rod made eyes at his mom.
Kevin Youkilis – Currently being shopped everywhere. Or so I read in the Penny Saver.
Kyle Drabek – Will miss the rest of this season and early next season with his 2nd Tommy John surgery. Best to plan ahead and start throwing the ball lefty during the extended break.
Josh Hamilton – Didn’t start another game, but got into the game late, as he wrestled with a virus that was damaging his intestinal fortitude. Leonys Martin will tag in for now – he’s interesting in the long-term, but not so much in the short-term.
Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Like a guidette would say to her heavily cologned boyfriend that she hadn’t seen in a while, “I aramissed you.”
Rickie Weeks – Keeping his hot hitting and hope alive, Weeks went 2-for-4 yesterday to go with the 5-for-10 in the previous two games. Oh, Rickie, you’re so fine, you’re so fine, it’s about effin’ time.
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a slam & legs. With 6 homers and 9 steals on the year, he hasn’t been quite the draft pick many expected back in March, but think of us Ryan Zimmerman owners before you complain too much. Thanks!
Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 with a homer as he was activated from the DL. Soto may or may not reign supreme when held up against other catchers in the long haul, but if you’re dealing with a slumping catcher, he could provide some power. Oh, and here’s a throwback post to make you giggle.
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5 with his 13th homer. He’s batting .270. SPOILER ALERT BUT YOU REALLY HAVE HAD ENOUGH TIME TO WATCH MAD MEN: Ready to feel like Lane Pryce right when Don confronts him about stealing money? Soriano’s having a better season than Justin Upton and Pujols. And Soriano hasn’t even been that great.
Bryan LaHair – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Even with both Chicago teams facing off, one flew out from LaHair.
Ryan Dempster – To the DL with tightness in his right latissimus dorsi. So, he’s a dolphin? Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper.
Luis Valbuena– 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last three games. With Mini Mini Donkey on the DL, Valbuena has been playing every day at 3rd base. He’s nothing, but a short-term flyer in NL-Only leagues, but if he gets every day ABs, he could surprise with some light pop and speed.
John Danks – Will be out for a while with a sub-scapula tear of his shoulder. A hoagie scapula is so much more appetizing.
Wade Miley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.30. Maronna mia, where’s this coming from? It’s like he’s picturing every batter is Krispie Young and Justin Upton. Obviously, Miley is someone that could’ve been trusted if we’re playing the fantasy season like that Memento guy, but going forward he’s still very risky with his blah K-rate. To make matters worse, he’s prospblocking Bauer.
Stephen Drew – Could return as a part-time player. Gibson said the plan is to start him every third day. Appropriately, it will coincide with garbage day.
Aaron Hill – 4-for-4 with his 8th homer as he hit for the cycle. He hasn’t hit a cycle since 2009 when he homered 36 times. Then he was going through cycles every few weeks.
Brett Myers – 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Holy Kazaam! Myers hasn’t looked this ugly since someone Googled his dating history.
Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks in his 2nd game back from the DL. He has 6 walks and 7 Ks since his return and the Poughkeepsie Chapter of Speculating on Small Sample Sizes said it looks like he’s up to his usual tricks.
Matt Capps – Twins GM said Capps’s shoulder will be just fine. He also said he’s willing to trade Capps for a bag of peanuts. Salted are preferred, but he’ll listen to all offers. I’d continue to hold Perkins if you have room.
Joe Mauer – Twins GM said that he’s not concerned about Mauer’s bruised quad and he said he’s not even lying about that because they’re not trying to trade him. A bag of peanuts and you can have your very own major league closer.
Shaun Marcum – Will miss Tuesday’s start vs. his former team with a tight right elbow. Shawn Michaels’s elbow just went pfft.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Hannahan returned from the DL with his liger. Well, Chisenhall said liger please! as he hit a homer and went 3-for-4. Lonnie’s gonna need to keep doing that, because the Indians seem like they’re looking for reasons to demote him and up until yesterday he was giving them plenty.
Scott Rolen – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as he returned from the DL after a five week layoff. Todd Frazier’s value takes a bit of a hit, but he DH’d yesterday and Rolen will probably be hurt again by the time the Reds are back in an NL park. Maybe Rolen can pull a muscle and take out Latos on his way down. Speaking of which… And, no, I wasn’t saving the best for last, unless you read this site while hanging from a tree like a monkey.
Mat Latos – 4 IP, 7 ER. Latos’s wife threatened to delete her Twitter account if people didn’t stop hating on Latos. Maybe because I don’t understand Twitter, but how is this a threat? Does anyone care if Latos’s wife tweets? Doesn’t she tweet because she wants to? Is she doing any public service by tweeting? Did Al Gore invent the internet so one day Dallas Latos can tweet? Will we miss one more el oh el in this world? Not that I consider her a celebrity, but this whole celebrity threat of ‘I’m not going to tweet anymore’ is like celebrities are no longer America’s royalty, they’re now our parents and they can punish us. “Oh no, Ashton, please keep tweeting, I couldn’t get by one more day without reading you congratulate Jon Cryer on a great episode. It’s like I’m a fly on the wall of your trucker hat!” This is why I think Twitter sucks. Celebrities have made it one giant circle jerk of, “Ain’t I clever?” At least on Facebook, I can pretend to care about people’s thoughts I actually know through other people I also kinda know. As for Latos, I’m gonna go ahead and let him audition for the role of Home Run Derby pitcher on someone else’s fantasy team, because we’re finished. I gave him back his sweater. He gave me back what was left of my dignity. I told him, “It’s not me; it’s you.” I dropped him for Nick Punto, then dropped Punto for Cahill. I didn’t need Punto, I was just making a point to Latos. I now have a waiver claim in for Latos and, after I win that claim, I plan on dropping him again for Javier Vazquez, then dropping Javy because he’s retired. I will continue to do this with Latos for the remainder of the year. Hell hath no fury like a fantasy baseballer scorned! And Dallas Latos can unfollow me, if she likes.