What if we’re all living inside a Boston masshole’s dream? This is Inception, and we all fell asleep sometime after Tom Brady was drafted, but before the Patriots won their first Super Bowl. Then, due to some plantains you ate before you went to sleep, the Red Sox grabbed David Ortiz from Minnesota for nothing, and you got a kidney stone and were peeing blood but it all came out on Curt Schilling’s sock, and the Red Sox won the World Series, and then, because you fell asleep to The Apprentice, Trump became president, and now Andrew Benintendi goes 5-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .347. This has to be possible, doesn’t it? What if our world is like Herman’s Head, but we’re inside Prospector Ralph’s head? Is Somalia in a famine because Prospector Ralph is too worried about Rick Porcello and forgot to eat? Eat, Ralph! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Dustin Pedroia – Will have an MRI on his knee and ankle. Only one of the two are hurting him, but because they are so close to each other on his leg, it’s hard to tell which one is causing the pain.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer, hitting .210. Whole Sawx team seemed to find their power stroke yesterday — Mitch Moreland went 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer; Mookie Betts went 2-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer. Prior to yesterday, the Red Sox team had seven homers. Ya know, the same as George Springer.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Sawx jumped out to a huge early lead and Ed-Rod jumped on a yacht with the rest of the Sea Org and cruised into the W off the Ivictory Coast.
Zach Britton – Was pleased with his forearm MRI results on Friday, and then the O’s said, “Will see a hand specialist on Monday.” I hope that means he’s getting a manicure, otherwise I’m confused. “Yo, my forearm feels great, let’s now go check on my hand!” That’s Britton doing some kind of weird injury scavenger hunt.
Jayson Aquino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks in his first major league start. I Googled “Jayson Aquino” and Google said, “Don’t bother me.”
Kevin Gausman – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.50. I’d struggle to find a league where I’d be starting him right now, let alone owning him. Doode’s lost. By the way, he gave up four runs on his first eight pitches of the game, then settled down. Here’s a visual representation of that:
Cody Reed – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.30 in his first start of the year. You, sir, are no Muslim Mrs. Garrett. You’re not even Christian Lisa Whelchel.
Bronson Arroyo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.86. I can’t wait for “Bring your dog to the park” day in Cincy, so when Arroyo throws a fastball, a Golden runs on the field and grabs the pitch in its mouth.
Jose Peraza – 0-for-4, hitting .216. I hate doing this shizz, the whole pointing out when a player is doing poorly, because I feel like it emboldens people to ask questions like, “Would you drop (struggling player) for random hot schmotato?” But, damn, Peraza is struggling.
Scott Schebler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Where was this last year when I drafted him in my NL-Only league? I’m waiting for an answer. Tap-tap, tap-tap.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.65. He goes to Fenway next, and it’s crazy to think a so-called ace should ever be benched, but Stream-o-Nator is making a cringey face.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.88. Member when I said I drafted Lackey on every team? *goes to Red Lobster, walks into the kitchen, picks up lobster, snips rubber bands off claws, puts lobster down pants*
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
George Springer – Left Saturday’s game with a hamstring injury. He thinks he can play on Tuesday, and tried to play on Sunday. He showed up at the park with a fake mustache and called himself George Slinky, but the coach knew it was him and sat him.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .324. When he rounds the bases, he should sing Mighty Mouse’s “Here I come to save the day!”
Carlos Correa – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .197. The 2nd round so far has produced a bunch of landmines. I’m side-eyeing you, Story and Odor. Hopefully they all turn it around.
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.29. Yeah, but, ya know, he’s actually good.
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I don’t know, I think I’m done with all pitchers named Blake until further notice. I’m sorry, Blake Wood, you got caught up in this.
Steven Souza – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .347. I’ve legit told you to pick him up about six times in the last four days. Ya’ll might wanna check to see if you’ve been inadvertently hypnotized.
Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.00. He walked his first hitter since September 13th, it was the opposing pitcher, Jordan Montgomery, in his first major league at-bat. That is so crazy, it was reported dolphins up to four miles off the Eastern seaboard could hear Tim Kurkjian laughing at this factoid.
Jameson Taillon – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.13 vs. Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Due to Taillon and Pineda, this game was billed as, “The Fantasy Baseball Version of ‘Damn, Girl, Your Booty Is Like Ba-damn!'” And the end result, well, they should’ve played this game with baseballs dyed blue.
Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.78. He’s faced the Rays, White Sox and Pirates in his first three starts. He gets the O’s and Cubs next, and I’d bet on him getting yakked.
Miguel Cabrera – Hit the DL with a right groin strain. Sounds painful and slightly inconvenient for his left groin. “Now I gotta do all the work!” That’s his left groin. *opening Tigers’ depth chart, looks at who will replace Miggy on the Tigers* Wow, that’s even more painful. “The Tigers will be going from a first ballot Hall of Famer to a platoon of Alex Avila and John Hicks. Kill me now.” That’s every Tigers fan.
John Hicks – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer, in his 2nd game after being called up. Imma let you finish previous blurb that was lambasting Avila and Hicks, but they are the greatest of all-time! Hicks is fine for deeper leagues, and maybe he’s a hot schmotato, but there’s not much here in the big picture.
J.D. Martinez – Aiming to return end of April or early May. He ran at 40 to 60% on Friday. One bystander said he looked to be running at 38% and another bystander said he looked like he was running at 62% and then they fought to the death.
Alex Avila – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Woohoo! I got my first home run from my catcher slot on my RCL team! Yes, my team is doing as poorly as it sounds. Thanks to The -xton’s!
Michael Fulmer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Facing the Twins in two of the last three starts doesn’t hurt, and he gets the White Sox next. Remind me to draft AL Central starters. “Oh, hold up one minute!” That’s Jose Quintana’s owners.
Max Kepler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .277. At least he didn’t flame out like an ‘xton.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.35. In every conceivable measure besides ERA and walks, Gio is not pitching as well as he did last year, when he had a 4.57 ERA. Granted, ERA is a large measure when it comes to fantasy, but a 1.35 April ERA becomes a 4.50 May ERA and a 4.20 June ERA and a “Why do I have Gio on my team still in July?” ERA.
Koda Glover – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save on Saturday and Sunday. Dusty should be a ballet teacher for fantasy baseballers, because he’s always keeping us on our toes. C’mon, high five me! Ow! Not so hard! Obvi, wouldn’t drop Kelley, but Glover needs to be owned too.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .387. “Hello, Mr. Al Gore, I understand you are the person I talk to when it feels real hot out and I’m not sure if it’s climate change or Ryan Zimmerman. Dude is straight fire, or that’s the aerosol cans.” That’s me standing outside the bathroom stall while Al Gore goes number two.
Michael Conforto – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. I don’t like this guy at all. AND YOU’RE CRAZY. I LOVE HIM. Conforto for life! Conforlife, that’s my chest tattoo.
Jacob deGrom – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners (6 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 2.55. His Ks and walks are both up in a big way, though the walks are mostly due to his Saturday start. His Ks just look up. At any moment, his elbow could a frayed turtle head, but right now he looks more than fine.
Ryan Madson – Got the save on Saturday. This game was sponsored by Skype, and Dusty Baker managed the Athletics’ ninth inning.
Kendall Graveman – On track to start Thursday. I’d bench Graveman for his first start back. Or I’d ask me in the comments if I’d bench him, so I can say I’d bench him after saying I’d bench him.
Jharel Cotton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Real quick shorthand: When a pitcher’s ‘good game’ is two Ks, it’s not good.
Andrew Triggs – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies have a favorite Selena Gomez song, they text ‘YASSSSSS’ to their friends, and they will kill your ratios.
Leonys Martin – Designated for assignment. I’m not usually shocked, but that’s shocking. Almost as shocking as when the Mariners demoted Dan Vogelbach, the Jelly Donut of Swat, to start the year. J.D. Vogelbach (1-for-4, 1 RBI) is back with the demotion of Martin, and Taylor Motter (2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 runs and his 5th homer) becomes an everyday player, even when Segura returns; Motter will just play the outfield. Two weeks ago, Leonys was prolly like, “Yo, Motter, who’s your daddy?” Then would laugh hysterically, but who’s laughing now? Seriously, who? Yo’ Motter is. I looked to grab Vogelbach in one deeper league, and tried to grab Motter in every league, but he’s long gone. By the way, you know there’s gonna be someone who comments, “Hey, Grey, surprised you didn’t mention Tayler Motto.” Yeah, they’re gonna spell it wrong.
Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.20. All right, I’m going back in…*sees his next start is in Miller Park*…And, no, I’m not. I’m now cyclops’ing him, but I’m not going anywhere near a borderline starter in Miller.
Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Fun fact! When Eflin’s family landed at Ellis Island, their last name was Peterdinklage.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .338. Not only is he one of the hottest hitters in the majors, but he’s 26 years old and might just be breaking out for the year.
Aaron Altherr – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .364. I’m less convinced this will last, but hot schmotato, fo’sho.
Howie Kendrick – Phils’ GM Matt Kleenex said Howie would be out for two to three weeks. That sucks for no one.
Cam Bedrosian – Hit the DL with a strained groin. This makes….the Angels’ closer is…Um…Well, do they win games? Do we have to worry about this? Okay, fine. Blake Parker is likely first guy for saves, but he could turn out as well as another Blake…Robert Blake. Or I guess Blake Treinen. Bud Norris, who got the save on Saturday, could also be an option. That’s as great as it sounds. Maybe they’ll just give the ball to Brooks Pounders, who sounds like the porn version of Brooks Brothers.
Luis Valbuena – Ready for rehab games. He’ll become a semi-regular when he returns, and a division rival needs to trade for C.J. Cron to bust him out of his slump.
Troy Tulowitzki – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. Bit late in his career now, but he should’ve seen if he could’ve had hamstring transplants. “Wow, these transplants are awesome. I’d love to visit with the person who donated them.” “Well, he is in the next room.” *opens door to see Chipper Jones* That would be like Stevie Wonder getting an eye transplant from Ray Charles.
Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. In a week on my team, Pillar is hitting .400 with two homers, and I missed one of his homers on my bench. Guy’s got hot schmotato all over him.
Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .136. Don’t know if he’s completely out of his early-season slump, but I grabbed Travis in one shallow league just to see.
Marcus Stroman – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Stroman my pain with your tiny man fingers…Satisfying my fantasy with your balls. Hmm, sounded better in my head.
Carlos Carrasco – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.65. Damn, man, spring training stats do matter!
Danny Salazar – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.37. I feel like I need to have a clubhouse meeting with my fantasy team. “Guys, you know I love Ks, but, ya know, how about some ratios? You can do better.”
Derek Holland – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.99. I wouldn’t even stream Holland, i.e., Holland’s all Red Light District to me.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Good rule of law, never underestimate any Cardinals starter ever. Words to live by, right after, “That urinal cake is not blue raspberry flavor.”
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.32. See 1/10th of an inch above, or three inches above if talking to a girl.
Manny Pina – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .432. Would people look at me funny if I owned both Brewers’ catchers on the same team and rotated them in as they played? They are sofa king good.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Au Shizz!
Shelby Miller – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.09 and left with forearm tightness. Too bad that didn’t happen to him, like, right after his trade from the Braves. Save everyone some time.
Rich Hill – Threw a 25-pitch bullpen session. His blister is on vacation from filming Blister 5: The Return of the Blister, and even though it died at the end of the film, I bet it comes back for another sequel.
Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 6 ER. And I’m more than concerned. Canned Tomaydo should be dropped in shallower leagues, and benched in deeper ones. I think there’s an injury here we’re just not hearing about.
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. We need a glossary term for the ‘good if healthy pitcher.’ Please suggest in the comments.
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 3.92. This game came against the Padres, a team that gave up on baseball 14 years ago to practice religion in Tibet. Stream-o-Nator liked this start, but hates his next one, and I agree.
Justin Bour – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .194. Hopefully this is the start of something, or the end of something depending on your POV.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th and 7th homers on Saturday. Just stay healthy, please, you 100% Angus prime rib beef. Thanks, talk later, bye.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .250. Renfroe! Or as Scooby Doo would say, Renfroe!
Denard Span – X-rays on his shoulder came back negative. Let’s just be glad he got there:
He’s being driven to the hospital by future X Games star, Madison Bumgarner. https://t.co/i1wHjoCFtb
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 23, 2017
Antonio Senzatela – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Sonavabench! Wow, he’s pitch dark in Coors! Hmm, I shouldn’t have used a thesaurus there for ‘lights out.’ That’s my b. I still wouldn’t go near in mixed leagues, but in my NL-Only I might just start him in Coors (this is so gonna end well).
Kyle Freeland – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Got it, draft Rockies’ pitchers, just not ones you’ve heard of. Kidding, Freeland has a 1.48 WHIP and 14/10 K/BB.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .213. Damn, he mollywhops. I want to see him get jammed, break his bat and watch the ball go for a home run. This year, he has six home runs and three singles. Yup.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in his last two starts. Okay, can I lose my first four draft picks and own all the Rangers and Brewers catchers?
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .290. Moistasskiss!
Jorge Bonifacio – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer as he hit third, because he was filling in for Lorenzo Cain and that’s where he usually bats. This is a manager’s form of reverse psychology. “I’m doing so much I’m not doing anything…Or am I?” No, you’re not, then the guy hits a home run.
Salvador Perez – Hasn’t caught since Thursday due to a sore neck. He hurt himself, rubbernecking at the train wreck that is the Royals’ offense.
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.08, but in this game the Rangers’ Bush got the win and Wood took the loss. I feel like ‘Kennedy’s no decision with Wood led to a Bush victory’ is the American geopolitical scene of the last fifty years in a nutshell, literally.
