Fantasy Baseball Advice

While the merits of what someone is hitting or not hitting in Spring Training can be debated, where they are hitting or not hitting is important to look at.  First, I want you to refresh your pretty little brain with the impact of lineup position on Runs and RBIs.  Welcome back!  Anyway, here’s some players whose value dips or shoots up (easy, Hamilton) due to 2010 lineup position:

Alexei Ramirez – He tends to start the season slow and he’s slated to bat ninth.  That’s a recipe for yawnstipation.

Ben Zobrist - Here’s what I said about Zobrist in the 2010 fantasy baseball rankings, “Zobrist’s homers don’t seem as fluky as they might appear.  He maintained a 17.5 HR/FB in 2009 and a 17.4 HR/FB in 2008.  Granted, that was a smaller sample size.  So he may look like David Eckstein, but the only thing they have in common is neither is Jewish though their names sound like they are.  Zobrist’s average seems out there; he looks closer to a .270 hitter.  He was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Well, I could be wrong.  Zobrist will be hitting third for the Rays.  The doubts I had about Zobrist coming into this season are a bit assuaged by this lineup position.  I still don’t think Zobrist hitting third will last the whole year, but who goes from hitting third at the start of the year to the bench?  Oh, wait…

Casey Kotchman – Should hit third against righties.  Look at Casey making a play for fantasy value!  Unfortunately, he probably won’t play against lefties with Garko stealing ABs.  If you can somehow work a platoon of Kotchman into your fantasy lineup (I’m thinking mostly AL-Only leagues), Casey could be a steal.  Damn, every time I say I’m done with a player, they pull me back in.  So who’s hitting third vs. lefties? Glad you asked, random italicized voice.

Franklin Gutierrez – Will hit third vs. lefties.  Though The Big FraGu is slotted into the 7 hole vs. righties, hitting in front of the catcher and Jack Wilson.  On the bright side, this is contingent on the health of Bradley and Griffey Jr., who’s now older than Griffey Sr. from when you remember him.

Jose Bautista – Hitting leadoff.  That could also be the answer to, “Where did all of Aaron Hill’s RBIs go?”

Travis Snider – Currently stuck between John Buck and Alex Gonzalez.  That’s like the middle seat between Afa and Sika.

Gaby Sanchez – This could change, but right now he looks like he’s stuck in the eight hole.  Luckily, no one’s actually drafted him anywhere, except for me.  Yay me.

Shane Victorino – This move has been covered by me numerous times before, but, yeah, he’s in the 7 hole and Crapolanco is appropriately enough in the two hole.

Ian Desmond – Batting 2nd.  “Mr. Desmond, roses just arrived from you.”  “Who are they from?”  “Grey from Razzball.”  “Put them in the pile with the chocolates he sent yesterday.”

Marlon Byrd – The five hole.  He’s going to prove to be so borderline mixed league worthy, I have a feeling there will be at least 1700 comments this year asking me if they should drop (Insert Schmohawk) and pick up Byrd.

Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab’s in the two hole.  He’ll probably be more valuable than most middle infielders that are owned more than him, but what freakin’ fun is it owning Orlando Cabrera?

Jay Bruce – Until Rolen gets injured, Bruce is in the 6 hole.  Bruce could be this year’s Kemp in regards to a losing value from lineup position.

Julio Borbon – Will be hitting on top of a very potent lineup.  Borbon will have to really struggle to not have a huge year.

Elvis Andrus – He has not left the building, but he has parked in the nine hole.

Albert Callaspo – Hitting third.  For all of you crazy excited about Butler this year.  He’s hitting in this lineup:  DeJesus, Podsednik, Callaspo, Butler, Ankiel, Guillen, Betancourt, Kendall and Getz.  There’s about eight names there that wouldn’t make the starting lineup for any other team.  Fun times!

Magglio Ordonez – I really don’t think he’s ownable anywhere, but he’s set to bat third.  I could probably knock in 90 and score 90 in the three hole of a major league lineup.

Scott Sizemore – Will be allowed to ferment in the 8 hole as he proves his mettle for a month or two.  I have a feeling that I might be jumping off the Scott Sizemore bandwagon sooner vs. later.  We shall see.

Erick Aybar – Leading off for the Angels. Will get Runs, some steals and average, poor homers and RBIs.  His stats are like looking at Yunel’s in the mirror.  I will call you, lenuY.

Garrett Jones – Will bat third.  If you can have a fantasy lineup of mostly three hole hitters, you’re at least pointing in the right direction.

Colby Rasmus – Batting in front of Pujols.  A 2001 Bonds would get pitches to hit in front of Pujols.

Carlos Gonzalez and Dexter Fowler – Top of the Rockies order.  That’s rated 3 M for Mmm…

Everth Cabrera – At some point, I hope the Padres make the right decision and put EverCab at the top of the order, but I don’t think it’s happening out of the gate.

Pablo Sandoval – Hitting third behind Rowand and Renteria, which sounds like a VD clinic.

Nick Johnson – Hitting 2nd for the Yankees.  Johnson has a .400+ career OBP.  Last I checked the Yankees scored a lot of runs.  Anyone want any action on the over/under for the amount of times Johnson’s on second and gets held at 3rd on a single?  65? 70?

Nolan Reimold – I’m not even sure he’s in the lineup.  Trembley’s talking about starting Pie.  How dare you judge, Reimold!  Doode, your team’s going nowhere fast — play Reimold!  Sorry, this has nothing to do with this post.  But I thought some of you might not have heard and I didn’t want to do a whole post on this, though I did have the title, Effin’ Pie.

Alcides Escobar – Batting at the bottom of the lineup for right now, but Weeks is one aggressive burp away from the DL.

It wasn’t my intention, but with this draft I was able to prove, in a pinch, I can draft a pretty good fantasy baseball team for 2006.  Maybe they can show this draft on ESPN Classic.  If I can somehow bait my leaguemates into my DeLorean, I could win this league.  Rudy didn’t draft with me, but, after the draft, he said, “I really like this team.”  Knowing Rudy’s a fantasy baseball cougar, I know it wasn’t a usual team for me to draft.  Why did I draft it then?  Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t, as the old nugget goes.  Or maybe that’s nougat.  Nevertheless, it’s less than 20 minutes after drafting this team and maybe I’ll cozy up to it over time.  Maybe I’m just sore because I missed out on Kelly Johnson, Ian Stewart and Chase Headley.  Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be glad I missed out on those schmohawks when my Mr. Winkle calendar flips to July.  Maybe I’m writing this opening like I’m Morgan Freeman’s voiceover. (Go ahead reread the last three sentences.  Sounds like Morgan Freeman’s in your head now, right?  You’ll be hearing that voice for the next 72 hours.  Say hello to Daniel Johnston for me, you done gone crazy.)  Anyway, here’s my 2010 fantasy baseball team with thoughts on different rounds:

14 teams, Roto, 5 x 5 — C, 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, CI, MI, OF, OF, OF, OF, Util, Util, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, P, BN, BN, BN, DL, DL

Round 1 – Matt Kemp – This was my first “let’s mix it up” of many.  Kemp’s in the same tier as other guys (Drunky Cabrera), so it’s not a huge deal I took him.  Frankly, I expect big things from Kemp and don’t own him anywhere else, so I wanted to see what it was Rihanna kept talking about.

Round 3 – Felix Hernandez – Another zig vs. the zags.  I see your quesadilla and I raise you a pupusa.  Hernandez will be my preseason AL Cy Young pick when I get around to doing them.  I love me some F-Her.  Though, I don’t usually go for a starter this early.  My thought process was, I’m going to take one starter in the first 7 picks anyway, so what the hey, I’ll take this one.  As Simon Cowell would say, I’m a funny little thing.

Round 4 – Jose Reyes – Sorry, at 50 overall, I’m taking Reyes.  When September rolls around and he has 45 steals, people won’t even remember the cojones it took to draft him in March.  See 2009 A-Rod, Utley and Mauer for further proof.  In the Funston write-up of this draft, The Hardball Times guy called this pick out as the reach of the draft.  Guess you can’t make all the people happy all the time, but if I can make this guy unhappy most of the time, I might do okay.

Round 7 – Josh Hamilton – At 91 overall?  Gotta do it.  At this point is when I started to realize I might need six DL spots.  Hopefully, the only crack we hear about from Hamilton is the sound of his bat.

Round 10 – Vladimir Guerrero – Hey, 2006, what’s going on?  Say hello to your mother for me.

Round 13 – A.J. Burnett – At 175 overall, Burnett’s a guy that can win 15 and strikeout 200; yeah, I’ll take that.  Wanna know some other gems from this round?  Elijah Dukes, Nick Swisher, Juan Pierre, Leo Nunez, Ben Sheets and Lastings Milledge… Luckily, Dukes and Milledge didn’t end up on the same team.  That clubhouse would’ve been a mess.

Round 14 – Bobby Jenks – Usually I don’t comment on the closers I take, because closers are closers are closers — SAGNOF! — but I wanted to say Jenks isn’t a great pick here.  I’ll admit that.  My rationale is I’ll have too many saves and be able to trade some away.  As mentioned many times before, speed-only guys are like cars.  Drive ‘em off the lot, they lose all value.  Closers actually gain value.  Further proof of this, I just traded Rafael Soriano for Matt Garza in a different league.

Round 17 – Mark DeRosa – And even with the Jenks pick, this is my least favorite pick.  Drafted around him were Ordonez, Kuroda, Willingham… So it wasn’t all peaches and cream out there, but Kelly Johnson was taken a few picks later by Pianowski of Y! and, well, that hurt.  Or Owski, if you’re Polish.  I thought I could grab DeRosa and Johnson would’ve been around for another round.  I should’ve grabbed Johnson since no one on the right side of loco is drafting DeRosa.  Anyway, I took Kouz later to spell DeRosa at 3rd then I can fill in UTIL with a hot waiver grab.

Rounds 18 and 21 – Scott Sizemore and Ian Desmond – Trying to shake some of the stank off myself from the DeRosa pick, I went upside².  At MI this late, you can dream.  And you should.

Round 24/25 – Madison Bumgarner/Kris Medlen – They’re already off my team.  No room for guys with girl’s names, sorry.

The Jays have all but conceded the closer role to Jason Frasor.  They must love Frasor’s witticisms!  See if you can trade Kevin Gregg for Nadir Bupkus.  Otherwise, I’d drop him as soon as it’s official, which it may be by the time you read this.  Gregg’s not worth the stack of napkins you’re using until you buy more toilet paper.  I moved Frasor up my Closer Look from the other day.  His days of brain freezing could be behind him quickly; he can easily be a donkeycorn by May.  Gregg isn’t much of a challenge to Frasor and Gaston seems content with Downs in middle relief.  Anyway, here’s what else happened over the weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jon Rauch – The Twins are going with the dreaded closer-by-committee.  (Rauch moved down that same Closer Look.)  Matt Guerrier will see some save chances, Jose Mijares could see some situational saves, but I think Rauch will see the majority.  I own Rauch and Guerrier in different leagues.  If there’s one bullpen that can pull through losing their closer, it’s the Twins.  In years past, I’d say they definitely would ride it out, meaning no trade.  But they’re opening a new park and I think they want their fans to think they’re out there trying their best, so I think they acquire a closer, namely Heath Bell.  When will they acquire him or someone?  Either very soon, or June assuming they’re still in the race.

Cliff Lee – To start the year on DL.  Did I not call this or what?!  I didn’t, actually.  I did say something to the effect, “If I believe in Cliff Lee this year, he’s going to let me down.”  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  I told you I called it… Kinda.  Supposedly, the Mariners are looking to acquire a starter with this injury to Lee.  That’s not good.  Why are the Mariners looking for pitching help if they trust Lee to be okay in a week or two?  Probably because they don’t think Lee’s going to be okay in a week or two.  Weak, indeed.

Ian Desmond – You can’t spell Nationals without Ian! (From Nationals, you could also spell, Nasal Into, the Indonesian tissue manufacturer.)  Desmond won the starting shortstop job.  Look at the Nats making sense.  I already went over Desmond’s sleeperitude.  He’s a 10/20 guy, i.e., a cheap Asdrubal. (<– Sounds like a condition that Nasal Into could help with.)

Roy Oswalt – Hamstring tightness, while easy to chew around on the Hormel, not great on pitchers.  Oswalt says he’s going to be fine to open the season.  I have my concerns.

Milton Bradley – Announced he will bat cleanup for the Mariners.  Pretty ironic considering what a mess he is personnel-wise.

Russell Branyan – Will begin the season on the DL.  LaPorta will get a chance to Pipp him and if that doesn’t work out, he’ll have a place in the outfield.  LaPorta is a decent sleeper as an endgame flier.  Could easily have 20+ homers in his bat.  Though, not sure if his upside is anything more than Ludwick.

Austin Jackson – Officially named leadoff hitter and center fielder.  Now he just needs to live up to his predecessor, Curtis Granderson.  Word is there’s a fiddy percent chance he’ll change his name to Curtis Jackson.

Ian Kennedy – With his strong spring, he snagged the 5th starting spot in the desert.  He’s a solid flier in 12 team mixed leagues as I pointed out in the starters to target post.

Jason Heyward – That noise you heard on Friday was a thousand Yeti mitts clapping for Heyward as he was named the Braves’ Opening Day RF.  (No, not Ralph Furley.)  When I wrote up the Jason Heyward 2010 Fantasy Outlook post in November, I kinda thought he was going to make the starting lineup out Spring Training, so nothing changes from that post.  When you’re done reading it, this will all still be here.  Promise!

Ian Kinsler – Out for a few more days after having an injection in his foot.  They should’ve asked Hamilton, he can easily find a vein between toes.  I will say this in an upcoming post, but I’ll give you a sneak here.  Spoiler Alert!  If Kinsler isn’t good in April and has a poor 2nd half as he’s had in the past, that doesn’t make for a good season.  Cust kayin’.

Ben Zobrist – Looks slated to be the Rays’ three hitter and headed into the outfield, which brings us to…

Sean Rodriguez – Seems like he’s going to be the starting 2nd baseman for the Rays.  I love punting MI when drafting.  Sean-Rod is on the radar now, big time.  I’m going to leave his projections at the top 20 2nd basemen post alone, even though they’re for only 400 ABs.  I won’t believe he’s going to get 401 at-bats, until he gets 401 at-bats.  Nevertheless!  He’s got some security now cause he’s in the hunt for 401, ‘kay?

Jaime Garcia – La Russa says Garcia is not officially the 5th starter yet.  I’m not sure it’s a matter of time either, but Garcia’s still in the running.  Or throwing, I guess.

Jeff Clement – All but confirmed he’ll be the starting 1st baseman.  Could easily be a top ten catcher this year just because of how many ABs he’ll get vs. most catching options.  Rudy dropped Iannetta from one of our teams for Clement.  I put up a small fight and lost.  Right now, Iannetta and Clement are tomato-tomahto, but they could easily be tomato-Olivo’s stealing all my tomahtos.

Dallas Braden – Has a staph infection.  This is following a (probably) unrelated condition where he lost feeling in two of his toes last year.  This feeling has not returned and causes Braden to lose control of at least one pitch a game.  Is it me or does this sound like it’s headed to a TV movie of the week starring Danny Masterson?

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2010 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2010 Red Sox Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Troy and Lee over at Fire Brand of the American League.

1) There’s been a lot said/typed/blogged about the Red Sox offense having a little less punch than years past.  Last year, the Red Sox had 3 players above 99 Runs (Pedroia – 115, Bay – 103, Youk – 99) and 3 above 94 RBIs (Bay – 119, Ortiz – 99, Youk – 94).   Do you think any Red Sox will scale those Runs/RBI levels this year?

I don’t think you have to worry about the runs totals.  This Red Sox team is built every season to do one thing better than any other team in baseball: GET ON BASE.  There’s a lot of questions that RBI totals will suffer, but if hitters are reaching base, guys will drive them in.  Remember all those guys Vernon Wells drove in a few seasons ago?  You only get to do that with opportunities.  The Red Sox will have many opportunities.

The Red Sox were 2nd in the league in OBP and 2nd in wOBA.  That 2009 team was a very talented offensive ballclub, even with dysfunction at third base and shortstop for the entire year.   While Jason Varitek had a hot April, he quickly flamed out as well.

After you factor in the regression of the current 2009 holdovers and the additions to the club (Cameron, Beltre, Scutaro), the Red Sox don’t look that much worse offensively.  Is someone going to hit 40 homeruns? Probably not.  But if the top of the order continues to get on base, there’s no reason why Martinez, Youkilis, and Ortiz don’t have enough opportunities to drive in 100 runs a piece.  CHONE projects this Red Sox team to score 5.3 runs per game, good for 858 over the season.  Only 9 runs less than the World Series winning 2007 team that had two prime time 40 HR players.  But the Boston media says our offense is terrible.  I guess I should believe them instead with all the data they have to back up their claims.  Right.

Ellsbury and Pedroia shouldn’t have a problem topping 100 runs a piece, unless Jacoby makes all the Pink Hats cry and proves his OBP bump was a giant fluke.  If Martinez is spelled enough behind the plate and gets a big chunk of time at 1B/DH, he could do it with enough at bats.  Youk will most likely need a 30+ HR season to eclipse 100 runs, but shouldn’t have a problem leading the RBI charge and driving in 100 on his own.  Losing Bay won’t affect specific player totals as much as Jon Heyman tells us so.

2) Ditto the first question’s opener regarding the Red Sox improved defense.  How much of an impact ERA/WHIP-wise do you think this has for the Sox staff?

Any time a team’s defense improves, you’re only doing the pitching staff a favor.  This is why Scott Kazmir continued being called an “ace” when he had that ridiculous tampa bay defense behind him the past 1.5 years.  It’s the same reason why Jarrod Washburn suddenly became a star with Franklin Gutierrez’s black hole of a glove bailing him out in center…and then he goes to Detriot and goes down in a fiery blaze of nerd rage.

Once the ball touches the bat, the pitcher has been removed from the resultant outcome.  With the exception of the ever confusing antics of Tim Wakefield who seems to be immune to statistical studies and logic like Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology, the Boston pitching staff should have a slight blanket-drop in their opposing BABIP.  However, the park dimensions still won’t favor flyball pitchers they way Petco or Safeco does.  Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz, both strong ground ball pitchers, should benefit the most from this defensive improvement, and would be the most likely candidates of favorable returns showing up in their ERA and WHIP.

3) Can you gives us the over/under/push on the following:  Ortiz – .260/25 HRs, Beltre .275/15 HRs, Pedroia .307/15 HRs, Youk .280/25 HRs, Jason Veritek .220/7 HRs, Ellsbury 50 SBs.

Ortiz – Push/Over
If Papi gets 600 ABs, I think he still has a shot at 30 HRs.  Even when considering his atrocious first two months, his power numbers came back strong to finish out 2009.  Our colleague Aaron did a piece on this, and I tend to agree with him.  His increasing strikeouts give me pause about the batting average though.

Beltre – Over/Push
I think this is an easy call.  Beltre was walloping 25 HRs in Safeco before he almost neutered himself last year.  While Fenway does reduce homeruns very slightly compared to average, it’s still more favorable for power production than Safeco.  Beltre should get right to 25 HR, doubtful he’ll hit much more than that, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see him add 30-40 Fenway doubles off the wall.  I’d expect a line similar to his 2007 production, maybe a tad higher with the Monster helping his batting average.

Youk – Push/Over
Youk’s increasing strikeout rate tells me two things.  First, he’s more a slave to a fluctuating BABIP, that cruised up to .359 last year.  While it’s not the first time he’s done it, the less I see a player putting balls into play, the more I expect their BABIPs to be closer to the average, regardless of high line drive rates.  I will, however, look at his increasing K rate as him striving to drive more balls out of the park, and expect his HR/FB%, which has increased 3 straight years, to continue to give him 25-30 HR power.  I’ll say this is the year Youk finally hits 30, but not much more.

Pedroia – Over/Push
After a 30 point drop in BABIP from his 2007 and 2008 line, Pedrioa only hit .297 last year.  A 10 point improvement doesn’t seem out of the picture, especially when his drop in BABIP also coincided with a drop in strikeouts.  Less strikeouts means more balls in play, which means more possible “seeing-eye singles”, at least more than you get from a strikeout, which is zero.  15 homeruns seems to be Pedroia best aiming point for homeruns, and I’ll agree with that.  I don’t think he’ll ever have the power potential Robbie Cano has, even without the rocket shoes Yankee Stadium gives left handed batters.

Varitek – Under/Under
Varitek will be lucky if he gets in 50 games.  There’s no reason to put his bat in the lineup, and if you’re giving Victor a break, one of the younger defensive minded catchers in the sox system would be a better bet.  I guess if you have you worry about drafting Varitek in your fantasy league, you’re probably Omar Minaya.  Even if Varitek plays more than he should, I’d steer clear of him anyway.  As much as I love the guy, I don’t want him anywhere near the batter’s box.

Ellsbury – Over
50+ shouldn’t be a problem for Jacoby.  He could go over 70 again if he actually batted 7th-8^th, but I won’t get into my disdain for Ellsbury in the #1 spot instead of Drew.

4) The Red Sox have 3 starters that are arguably in the top 20 fantasy SPs in Beckett, Lester, and Lackey and two interesting later-round picks in Buchholz and Dice-K.  Whom of this bunch do you think will be the best and worst values based on their expected draft picks?

Lester and Dice-BB, respectively.

I’m still amazed at the lack of Cy Young support Lester got last year, all due to a fluky BABIP-induced April.  If you put his statistics up against the 2009 lines of Sabathia, Verlander, Hernandez, and Halladay, it’s difficult to tell them apart.  I even did it for you a long time ago!

Lester seems to be the last pitcher picked in the tier after Lincecum / Grienke.  I find it surprising.  I always wait on starters anyway, and in a redraft league, he’d be my first target.  His ADP is the end fo the 5^th round right now, which is basically the similar production your paying for those aforementioned players 2 rounds up.  Draft your offense heavy and wait for Jon.  The value you pick up by getting that offensive player in Round 3 instead of Sabathia (Votto!) justifies this enough for me.

I really won’t say much about Dice-BB.  Until a pitcher walks less than 5 batters per nine, he belongs nowhere near anyone’s fantasy team.  You can’t predict him having an ERA anomaly again like 2008, so why waste the draft pick on it? The Casey Kelly-era can’t come soon enough in this town.

5) Jim Rice was one of the more controversial HOF nominees if you define ‘controversy’ by causing the baseball bloggerati and sabermatricians to convulse (me included).  What’s your opinion on his HOF credentials?  What do you think Theo Epstein’s would be?  And if you could swap him out for another more deserving ex-Red Sox player, whom would it be?

A disclaimer: I love Jim Rice.  He was one of my favorite players when I was a kid.  Back when you didn’t need season tickets to sniff Fenway’s gates for less than a 300% markup, my father used to sit us down on the 3rd base line so I could get a good view of him.  He’s outspoken, ballsy, and was a spectacular person, even though he was rough around the edges with the Boston media.  Then again, if I played for the Red Sox, I’d probably react to the CHB the way Rice and Carl Everett did.

As much as I love Jim Rice, I know he’s in that bottom rung of Hall of Famers.  The guys that eventually get in because they’ve been around so long, or because someone says he was a “feared” hitter enough times to make people believe it.

Personally, my Hall of Fame standards are high.  I abhor the thought of a “Hall of Very Good”, but I also understand that in practice enshrinement into the Hall is a subjective matter, and the amount of equations I throw at people won’t change a thing.  At this point, I figure it’s more important to focus on making cases for players who have been unfairly snubbed rather than unfairly enshrined.  Lame cop out? Probably, but it’s not like you can kick someone out of the Hall.  I’d rather not waste my energy complaining about them.

I think my opinion would be the same as Epstein’s.  “For everything Jim Rice did for the Red Sox, we’re happy to see him be honored as a great player in our sport.”  Then I’d cry myself to sleep in my math books, disgusted at my politically correct PR stunt.

If I could/had to swap him out, it’d be for my other favorite player in my younger years, Dwight Evans.  Overall, just as productive at the plate(127 OPS+ to Rice’s 128 OPS+), but an absolutely amazing fielder.  From what I remember, he was Rice at the plate, but played right field with as much skill and grace as JD Drew does, albeit with a much superior mustache than the one Drew sports from time to time.

(Note from Rudy:  Sorry Razzball readers that I went ‘serious’ instead of our usual facetious with the last question.  I just had to ask a Sox fan about Jim Rice’s HOF credentials.)

Joe Nathan and Huston Street are gone and everyone moved up.  That’s why people like Matt Capps and Chris Perez have done little but squat on the john yet moved up the rankings.  Though I still managed to find a way to not move up Brian Fuentes.  The way we’re going there won’t be any $12 Salads by May.  Then what?  $8 Side Dishes?  Who needs roasted cauliflower with truffle oil?  Not me!  I’m happy with a baked potato.  Yes, sir!  Hmm… Maybe I shouldn’t write these right before lunch.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Hideki Okajima, Daniel Bard)
2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Alfredo Aceves, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
3. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (George Sherrill, Ramon Troncoso, Hong-Chih Kuo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

4. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Ryota Igareshi, Jenrry Mejia, Eddie Kunz)
5. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
6. Carlos Marmol (+1) (John Grabow, Esmailin Caridad)
7. Joakim Soria (+1) (Juan Cruz, Roman Colon, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. David Aardsma (+1) (Mark Lowe, Brandon League)
10. Brian Wilson (+1) (Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo)
11. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset, Jared Burton)
12. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
13. Billy Wagner (+2) (Takashi Saito, Kris Medlen)
14. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Josh Kinney)
15. Mike Gonzalez (+7) (Jim Johnson, Cla Meredith)
16. Brian Fuentes (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
17. Frank Francisco (+3) (Darren O’Day, Chris Ray, Neftali Feliz)
18. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
19. Leo Nunez (+1) (Dan Meyer, Brian Sanches)
20. Trevor Hoffman (+3) (Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins)
21. Andrew Bailey (-4) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler, Joey Devine)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Zimmerman in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Bobby Jenks (+3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
23. Chad Qualls (+4) (Juan Gutierrez, Bob Howry)
24. Matt Capps (+2) (Brian Bruney, Tyler Clippard, Mike MacDougal)
25. Jason Frasor (+5) (Kevin Gregg, Scott Downs)
26. Chris Perez (+1) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp, Kerry Wood)
27. Jon Rauch/Matt Guerrier (-26) Jose Mijares, Francisco Liriano)
28. Franklin Morales (-15) (Manny Corpas, Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
29. Ryan Madson (-4) (Danys Baez, Brad Lidge)
30. Matt Lindstrom/Brandon Lyon (-1) (Sammy Gervacio, Ed Wade’s Toupee)