Fantasy Baseball Advice

George Sherrill gave you a whole lot more than you should’ve expected. In fact, he gave you more than you should’ve expected by May. The rest? Icing. But that kind of rational and perspective-laden thinking can get you in trouble. Assuming you had him and need saves, you’ll need someone.  Grab Jim Johnson. (Yes, he does sound like a guy that would hold 30 people hostage and organize a mass suicide.) If you’re set on saves, you still pick up the closer to spite your league! Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Billy Wagner – Out indefinitely.  Ayala, Feliciano, Heilman, Sanchez then Smith, that’s not the order I see them getting saves. That’s alphabetical order. As far as Manuel’s concerned, that might be the order they get saves. What’s the difference between Jesus and the Mets’ current bullpen? At least some people have faith that Jesus saves.

Rich Harden – Forever injured in Oakland, Harden has been amazing for the Cubs (and fantasy owners).  Another 10K game.  I wonder if Cubs fans accidentally call him Mark Prior during their masturbatory fantasies.  Billy Beane should sign Mark Prior and hope it is a lucky break in the DL/time continuum.

Ian Kinsler – Might come back from a slight hernia to play the last week or two of the season. Texas ain’t making the playoffs. Don’t strain yourself, Ian!

Kevin Youkilis – HR yesterday. Youuuuuuuk’s been on fire. .414/6/16 in August.

Josh Beckett – Will have his start pushed as he reported tingling in his arm after sleeping on it wrong.  The way the Blue Jays hit him last outing, that’s probably not the only part of his body that’s tingling right now.

Braden Looper – 7 IP, 1 ER. I told you two weeks ago Looper would be lights out in August. So far, he has a 1.93 ERA. Are you waiting until September to pick him up when he’s not good anymore?

Kevin Slowey – Snow White’s K-challenged dwarf somehow struck out 12 A’s in a rout.  As Billy Beane considers whether to trade some of his young prospects for some promising zygotes.

Brandon Lyon – Came into a 4 run game and gave up 3 earned in a third of an inning. Kazaam!

Ricky Nolasco – Two hit shutout with 11 Ks. Against the Giants, but still. This dooode’s been money. N to the Izz-O, L to the Izz-A.  Fo shizzle, my Nolasco.

Clayton Richard – 6 shutout innings against the Mariners.  The only pitchers I wouldn’t spot start against the Mariners pitch for the Mariners.

Aaron Harang – Start pushed back with neck spasms. “He couldn’t turn his head,” said Reds pitching coach Dick Pole. Funny that’s the coach’s name, cause this year Harang’s been a Cock Punch.

Adam Lind – HR yesterday. 4 homers in the last 6 games. Fans up Toronto probably missed it as they were off celebrating Carol Huynh’s Freestyle Wrestling Gold Medal. Okay, but let’s see her take on the Farmer’s Daughter from GLOW.

We’ve got a three-way pennant race going as we head into the last 1/4 of the season! Our own Grey has seen his 9 point lead evaporate over the past two weeks down to only 1 point against his most bitter rival – his blogger in crime Rudy Gamble. That’s right, me. And Fantasy Baseball Generals (led by Mike Podhorzer) have met my pace and cut a 13 point deficit down to 5.5 points out.

It’s hard to fault Grey as his team has increased by 1.5 points over the fortnight – it’s just my team and the Generals team have harvested a bumper crop of points after spreading fertilizer all over our respective rosters. It’s tough to know if the momentum will continue or they’ll be a correction. The Generals gained an amazing 5 points in runs over the two weeks, going from 5 points to 10. But look at the top 5 adjusted totals for Runs: 517 (Generals), 519 (DFA), 520 (Rotoprofessor), 522 (Grey), 525 (Rudy). And Grey leads the Generals by only 1 HR (89-88) and 1 K (685-684) + me by only 1 Loss (69-68). Crazy.

While it’s too early to count out Roto Professor, DFA, one-time leader Aardvark Trading Co and Herb Urban, the 17 point gap b/w the 3rd place FB Generals and the 4th place Roto Professor hints that they may be limited to competing for 4th and spoiler roles.

Mop Up Duty can move up from his 8th position but his blog name seems appropos for his team’s performance. Greener on the Other Side (aka FantasyPhenoms) is being spared the ignominy of solid anchor Defunct Baseball Lab which is run by our favorite guest blogger Lou Poulas who clearly is too enamored by his Fantasy Baseball Hall of Famers and All-Stars to concentrate on Razz*Stars.

I’m off to Europe for two weeks so next update will be the week of September 8th. I’ll do weekly updates from then on..

A right to the jaw, Gallardo goes down. Left to the jaw, Rich Hill sucks. Go to throw in the towel and Guthrie grabs your hand. Uppercut to the chin, Harang sucks. Aaron Cook takes a few body blows and rights the ship. Body blow and Franceour hits the canvas. You prepare to throw in the towel, but Hamilton grabs your hand and you’re feeling a second wind, then, out of nowhere, right, left, right — you’re toothless. Damn, these fantasy baseball injuries are ruthless. You’re stammering, “Momma?” as you hobble around the ring. You see three of your opponent because your eye needs to be cut and then Kinsler hits the DL. Like Saddam’s gold-ish statue, you topple to the ground. Kinsler may be out for the season. I have nothing else to say, but this totally sucky-suck-sucks. Some guys I’m looking at grabbing, Wigginton, Kent, Cesar Izturis, Sanchez or Polanco. I say “or,” because God help you if you need more than one of those. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Braun – Ugh, Part II. He left the game after swinging and missing. I’m pretty sure he’s headed to the DL. I wish he would’ve just sat out the last two games so he wouldn’t now need another 15 games, but when it hurts to swing, it’s not a good sign.

Justin Duchscherer – And the hits keep coming. He reinjured the same hip that shut him down last season. He’s thrown nearly as many innings this year as he’s thrown in the last three years combined. You guys had a good run. When Dook-sher goes in for the MRI and CornNuts, leave him by the side of the road.

Greg Maddux – Looks like he’s being traded to the Dodgers. This is the one place where Maddux may have slightly more value than Petco. Dodgers Stadium is also a pitcher’s park, it’s in the same crap division (now he can face the Padres!) and the Dodgers score a few more runs. That is a win, win, win! Though, he’s still a questionable starter depending on matchups.

Barry Zito – 7 scoreless innings against the Braves. After the game, Bobby Cox said, “I’d give back ’95 if someone could make this end.”

Jorge Campillo – 6 2/3 innings, 5 ER. As I mentioned last week, I quit Campillo in all of my leagues. There’s an addendum to that, I picked up Campillo for my Razzball team, so now Campillo’s job is to become the worst pitcher ever.

Matt LaPorta – Was hit on the head during the Olympics and taken to the hospital where Michael Phelps performed open head surgery and now LaPorta will be fine. Phelps also made a the most delicious Dum-Dum Lollipop for LaPorta to suck on while he heals. The ingredients were two parts corn syrup, one part lepruchuan.

Evan Longoria – Rays are still saying September 1st is Longoria’s return date. On a real baseball note, the Rays seem like they’re having one of those special seasons where it doesn’t matter who gets hurt. They could fill Willy Aybar in for their 1 thru 9 hitters and it wouldn’t matter.

Al Reyes – Declined his minor league assignment and is now a free agent. Here’s some obvious speculation, Al Reyes’s new home will be with the New York Mets.

Troy Percival – Supposedly Percival will be able to return without surgery. He’s still due to miss 2-4 weeks, which in old man weeks is 4 weeks. I still like Wheeler to be the Rays closer.

John Maine – 5 scoreless innings only to have the bullpen give it away. He walked four through five innings. Against a better offense, this line may not look as good.

Jason Bay – 2 HRs and a steal. Manny who? The guy who hits a home run every game for the Dodgers. Oh, right!

Adam LaRoche – HR yesterday. 6-for-20 since returning, which for him is hot.

B.J. Upton – After being reprimanded two times prior for lack of hustle, he jogged to 2nd yesterday and was tagged out. Well, everyone knows you shouldn’t rush a B.J.

Yesterday, Luis Ayala was acquired by Mets. You know that thing about the girl you don’t know is better than the one you’re with? The grass is greener thing. Yeah, the Mets just got themselves a new girl. Why? Wagner’s old and he just had a setback (of course) so he’s not coming back as soon as thought. I’d peg mid-September as a fair timetable his for return. For now, it’s still anyone’s game for saves. Heilman, Kunz, Feliciano, Orosco, Mr. Met, Ralph Kiner, et al. They might all be better options than Ayala, but they’re not the new girl. The only reason why we’re concerned with this is because the Mets will win a lot of games. If someone can separate themselves from the pack, they could get a decent amount of saves while Wagner’s on the mend. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hideki Matsui – Set to return on Tuesday. I’d prefer a hot hand, then a vet who’s just returning from injury. Especially a vet that has averaged a HR every 25 at-bats for his career. Not sure what the excitement is, but I guess it’s a Yankee thing. How’s Jeter treating you, Yankee fans?

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 6 Ks, 1 ER. Should’ve had a win, but Braun took Chan Ho out of the Park.

Chris Dickerson – Hit a homer the other day. Went 3-for-5 yesterday. I think I’ve officially beat Dickerson into the ground.

Chris Davis – About to get third base eligibility if Hank Blalock can return and stay healthy at first. Yes, it’s an if the size of the Grand Canyon.

Andre Ethier – 2 HRs yesterday. He’s been starting over Juan Pierre on most days and has 4 HRs in his last four starts.  Torre sits him against lefties, which makes your job easy for when to start him.

Carlos Pena – HR yesterday. Four HRs last week. When I ranked him 46th in the top 100 for fantasy baseball’s 2nd half, here’s what I said, “For those looking for someone who can hit 20 HRs in the 2nd half. Here’s one.” And that’s me cutting and pasting me!

Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks. June, 7.48 ERA; July, 5.65; August, you dropped him. Hey, Vazquez, how about you buy me dinner first?

Melvin Mora – 5-for-6 with 2 HRs. As I mentioned, in this week’s Buy/Sell, Mora’s feces has been smelling like Reese’s Pieces.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 0 ER. This doesn’t mean he’ll go on another run like in the beginning of the year, he’s just trying to find his way to a 3.50 ERA. He’s currently at 2.73.

Rickie Weeks – Left with a thumb injury. Nomar, “I feel ya, man!” If Weeks is hitting the DL is the point, you play the Pass Line.

Alexis Rios – 5-for-6, there will be a point during this offseason when I’ll write a post making a case for Rios being a sleeper for next year. Just comment, “No.”

Roy Oswalt – Threw a one hitter over 8 IP. Looks like he put his hip injury behind him (or beside him).

Ty Wiggington – Accounted for all three of the Astros’s runs yesterday and this week he went 9/3/9/.560. There was a bit of a Wiggington Fan Club forming yesterday in the comments. I’m assuming future meetings of the WFC will be taking place in the octagon.

B.J. Upton – HR yesterday. May all your pitchers pitch at Petco and all your hitters hit at Arlington. Amen.

Jensen Lewis – Got the save yesterday as Perez entered the game in the seventh. Lewis is being viewed as the closer, whether he’s the best guy for the job is irrelevant. If you’re holding Perez for saves, you’re only going to get the very rare situational ones.

Adam Lind – HR, 3-for-6. Averaging a HR in just over five games since his recall and hitting .330.

Todd Jones – Went back to the DL, but it looks like Rodney is the closer now anyway. (Rodney is now sure to give up five runs just because I wrote he’s the closer.)

Brandon Moss – Left the game with an ankle injury. Now he may gather some moss.

Dan Wheeler – Got the save on Sunday when Balfour couldn’t get the job done. (Balfour did intentionally walk Hamilton with the bases loaded. This is the only time this has happened to anyone, except Barry Bonds in the last 60 years, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Actually, they didn’t say it, but they could’ve. Here’s some other things Elias Sports Bureau could’ve said this week around the office, “Tuesday was the first time Jim in Accounting didn’t call his wife three times before noon,” “Thursday marked the seventeenth time since March that Sally, Burt’s secretary, dropped a call” and “Fridays will no longer be Casual Fridays for Peter because he can’t tell the difference between pants and sweatpants.”