Fantasy Baseball Advice

It has not been a good year for the Joneses. Jacques Jones is headed for retirement, Marion Jones went to jail and Ed “Too Tall” Jones banged his head on a doorway. And none of them will even acknowledge their brother from a white mother, Todd Jones, who was offcially replaced as closer on Sunday. I know what you’re saying, “But Todd Jones had just under a 3 K/9 ratio! Life’s unfair!” Yup, it sure is for everyone but Fernando Rodney, who Leyland announced would take over the Tiger’s closer job. (Leyland also announced he’s returning to filtered cigarettes now that Jones is gone.) Do I think it will last with Rodney? Sure, unless the Tigers trade for Fuentes or Street. Fuentes has closing experience, but Rodney can be just as dominant. Street has experience, and is just as injury prone as Rodney. So six of one, half dozen of another. Also, Zumaya is not without his issues as he had right triceps tightness and had to leave Sunday’s game. As for Todd Jones, drop him. He was useless when he had the job. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

John Grabow – Gave up 2 home runs yesterday. I still think he’s first in line for saves, but he could be traded too (or just not covert any saves or just not get any saves to convert). You might need to look at Tyler Yates and Denny Bautista, as well. Honestly, I grabbed Grabow and that’s as deep as I’m going for Pirates saves. These other schmohawks are not being picked up by me, except in the deepest of leagues where I really need saves.

Brian McCann – Out with a mild concussion from The Flying Hawaiian going all Tonga Kid on McCann and giving him a flying headbutt.

Shane Victorino – HR yesterday. Now has 8 HRs (Alexis Rios has 8 HRs, as well).

Billy Butler – Doesn’t he sound like a character from Clue? It was Billy Butler with the candlestick in the library. Anyway, since the All-Star break, Butler has 4 HRs, 14 RBIs and 2 moobs.

Jack Cust – HR yesterday. Will now hit three HRs this week, walk seven times and strikeout ten times. Hot week ahead!

Eric Chavez – He says he could be done as a third basemen. He could’ve said this in 2006.

Manny Ramirez – Says he’ll accept a trade out of Boston. They should trade him to the Nationals and then see how quickly he accepts. Honestly, I couldn’t believe the amount of people falling for Manny’s shizz back in March when everyone was saying Manny’s going to have a career year because of a contract. In December of 2007, I said Manny’s done trying. He’s been done. It’s fine. I just wish people would stop falling for the same nonsense.  Now I know it’s against a high-ranking baseball commandment to say anything against Gammons, but he was even reporting about Manny’s off-season conditioning. Listen, Manny’s off-season conditioning involves Xbox, Chuck E. Cheese and Mama’s Family DVDs.

Nomar Garciaparra – Left the game with knee irritation. After the game, Nomar said he might have injured his knee the previous night when he forgot the safety word with Mia.

Mike Jacobs/Derrek Lee – 22 HRs/60 RBIs and 17 HRs/63 RBIs, respectively. Granted, Lee (Buffalo) is not the negative on average like Jacobs, but Lee is only batting .296. Cust kayin’.

Scott Hairston – 17th HR yesterday. Later this week his bro, Jerry, returns. The brother battle between the Hairstons and the Uptons is almost as lopsided as The Von Erichs and The Bushwackers.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Besides having one of the best first names in baseball, he also put together a solid July. Last year, he had a solid July then got progressively worse as the year went on. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.

Johan Santana – 7th career complete game. CC Sabathia almost had 7 complete games in July.

Hank Blalock – 2-for-3 and he’s going back to Texas. If he can stay healthy (Yes, that’s a big if. BTW, how come people don’t say it’s a small if something is very probable? Like, “I guess we’ll get donuts if Dunkin’ Donuts, a store that never closes, is open. Yes, that’s a small if.”), Blalock could be in for a big week.

Jeff Samardzija – Got the save yesterday after Marmol threw 1 2/3 innings on Saturday. I suppose he could get more saves if Wood continues to have blister problems, but I think Marmol will out-save him 4 to 1 and if Wood’s out-saving Marmol… Well, you get my drift.

Clayton Kershaw – Got his first major league win. The only thing is, I would start just about anyone at Dodgers Stadium against the Nats.

Marcus Thames – Got one hit yesterday. Guess what it was? Okay, so you platoon Thames and Joyce just like Leyland is doing. They’ll probably hit 45 HRs combined. What, you don’t want 45 HRs?

Javier Vazquez – Was roughed up again on Sunday. It’s of little consolation to his owners (which I’m not, suckas!), but Vazquez’s K rate is fine and his BABIP is at .335, which means he’s been unlucky — sorta like his owners, which I’m not, suckas!

Kyle Lohse – Drop the H.

Brad Ziegler – Set major league rookie record with 27 scoreless innings to start a career. Interesting factoid, he hasn’t given up a home run since he switched to pitching sidearm, 128 1/3 innings ago. Uninteresting factoid, his Mom’s name is Beth.

Yo, Hater Bell, here. Just returned from Tijuana where I stocked up on thirty cases of Rohypnol and three nights worth of donkey show ideas. The things you can do with Tequila, duct tape and a roll of quarters. Now to hatch my plan to take out ESPN’s top fantasy analyst, Eric Karabell, at the next fantasy baseball summit in Spring ‘09. Until then, I gots to take out his heart with my words. En garde, bizznatch!

Karabaloney decided to play with his Speak and Spell again as the ESPN “experts” went over their top 340 for the 2nd half rankings. There’s so many things here that make me long for a decent feedback form on the ESPN page that sometimes I find myself filling in the random restaurant comment card with Karabell suggestions:

The dash of cinnamon on the lamb was not lost on me. Delicate enough for taste, but not too fragrant. Now if you can only explain ranking Michael Cuddyer at 181!

So Kosuke Fukudome was ranked 112 overall using ESPN’s mathematical ranking system:

Jack Daniels(Radio Shack calculator)²= Top 340 Fantasy Baseball Players.

Karabell in his infinitesimal wisdom ranked Fukudome 102. Here’s the Karalogic:

Whille Fukudome hasn’t been quite what we thought, let’s remember this is his first year in the states. I think he’ll hit for a better average in the second half since he does take walks and has seen what stuff MLB pitchers have. Plus, let’s not underestimate what a .300 average is worth. It’s underrated, especially since I see him ending the year there, which means he hits .320 or so over the final two months. I see him ending up with 15 homers and 15 steals, which, combined with a good batting average, makes him near a top-100 player.

You need a Bachelors in Stupidity to fully understand this, but luckily I have my Masters in Throwing Out the Karabage. Let’s see, underestimate what a .300 average is worth? It’s worth .300, right? So he’s helping you about as much as who? Skip Schumaker? Excuse me while I yawn. That’s assuming Fukudome doesn’t continue to nosedive in average as he’s currently doing.

What if he’s more than his overly optimistic .300 average. Let’s say Fukudome gives you a little bit of everything. That’s more vauable, isn’t it? It sure is. So let’s look at the most comparable player, David Dejesus. (Actually, he’s not completely comparable because he did better than Fukudome in the 1st half, but let’s say he is comparable.) If Karabell said Fukudome should be at 102, where’s Dejesus on the list? Dead last at 340. Well, that makes sense. Yo, Karabell, go get your shinebox!

A young Damaso Marte worked for his father, Ojos De Serpiente, a world renown gambler, in the Colón district of the Dominican Republic. As he polished his father’s trick die, Damaso would dream of one day closing for his favorite team, the Pittsburgh Pirates. He told reporters recently, “I’d sleep with John Candelaria’s baseball card under my pillow. I would pluck my mustache so it would look thin like his. Every night I would make three pupusas for family, then I’d make an extra one for John Candelaria. I love John Candelaria.” So when you’re thinking about how great it would be for Marte to be traded from the Pirates, don’t forget these are real people with real emotions. With that said, Marte should be on the first train out of Steel City.  Everyone’s talking about Fuentes leaving the Rox, but Marte should be traded. The Pirates have shit their house for almost fifteen years. As the great Lawrence Taylor once said, “My life is in the toilet and no one’s flushing.” The same can be said of the Pirates. They need to get something for their current closer. I think John Grabow takes over for Marte, instead of Tyler Yates, even if Grabow is a lefty. Marte’s also a lefty, so whatevs. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Dan Wheeler/Grant Balfour – You could be reading this today or you could be reading this in a month and this will still hold true, Percival just hurt himself. And again. And there goes the hip. (Actually, I could see the Rays getting Street. You heard it here first. Unless you’re reading this after you heard it.)

Leo Nunez – Baby Got Back! (Not as in possesses a large ass, but rather “Got Back” as in has returned.)

Santiago Casilla – Could be the closer by August. Aw, sookie, that’s soon.

Francisco Liriano – I know I told you about a month ago that Liriano would be called up any day now. Well, technically it still is any day now. In Liriano’s past five starts, he’s K’d 42 in 35 IP and has a .26 ERA. Liriano’s agent, Sammy Glick, is not happy and thinks the Twins are stalling to avoid paying Liriano. Judge Joe Brown, we’ve got a grievance!

Gio Gonzalez – You don’t need to rotate Scott Rolen in for a short schedule day that bad. Just hold Gonzalez for now and chillax.

Juan Pierre – If you need steals, he’s about to return. I’d write more but I’m currently singing, “I kissed a girl and I liked it…” I can’t get this stupid song out of my head. I hope it’s now stuck in your head, sucka! It felt so wrong… It felt so right… I feel like this is the new, “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. That is by no means an endorsement. Note to self: I gotta stop dating girls that chew Bubble Yum and have never heard of Sublime.

Fausto Carmona – Actually, I just picked him up in a ten team league. He shouldn’t be on waivers anywhere and if he is, you’re a fat-cist.

Chris Young – Back from a long DL-stint after taking a Pujols liner off his noggin. Word in the Gas Lamp is Young should start next week for the Padres. As with any Padres pitcher, at Petco they will look like Warren Spahn. On a side note, I wonder if Young wakes up sweaty in the middle of the night yelling Pujols and his girlfriend says, “I’m not in the mood.”

Casey Kotchman – Maybe it’s because his name sounds like Crotchman. Maybe it’s the way he was laid up with mono for a one and a half years. Maybe I just have a thing for Caseys. In deep leagues, I’m buying.

Chase Utley – Could people be down on Utes because he hasn’t done much in the last month and a half? Well, sell them Dustin Pedroia and Dook-sheer and get Utley. Recognize!

Adam Wainwright – A source says that Wainwright might return as the closer. The source? Some guy that goes by BigFatHippo. That’s about as credible as it gets. I wouldn’t have wrote about it, if it didn’t make so much sense. Wainwright’s been on the shelf for a while now. He should be able to get up to speed to be a closer a lot quicker than to start games. He has closed well before. The Cards need a closer. LaRussa’s certifiably crazy. It adds up to me. BigFatHippo + unsubstaniated rumor = Wainwright returns as the closer.

SELL

Huston Street – Beane may be a brilliant baseball mind, but I almost got a 1000 on my SATs. So, Beane, if you’re reading, trade Street. There’s no benefit to keep him around, as they say in the mafia. (Bee tee dubya, Street may end up the closer on his new team, as well. So don’t sell him super low.)

Erik Bedard – You, with the hair on your head, Bedard’s not coming back and if he does, what do you get? Four starts? Feh!

Roy Oswalt – He returns from the DL next week. If you got any juice in that coconut of yours, you’ll trade him quick-fast. This year, he wasn’t that good when he was healthy. It’s a lost year for R.O. Let it go. Don’t make me call a T.O.

Shaun Marcum – Was putting together a season to rival just about any starters’, then returned looking like Sandy Duncan’s left eye.

Yunel Escobar – He’s 6/2. That’s not his height. He has six home runs (yes, that’s the same as Alexis Rios) and 2 steals. Some players who have been as valuable this year, Ray Durham, Mark Ellis and Akinori Iwamura. Yu-smell.

Armando Galarraga was perfect through 6 innings and, for fantasy baseball purposes, Galarraga has been solid all year, but that could all change by next week. No… Don’t deflate me! (Doesn’t that sound like a Coldplay song? Don’t deflate me… As we soar… Through the clouds…. Like balloons… I love Gwynnie…) Galarraga’s sporting a 3.2 BB/9, 6.10 K/9 rate and a .246 BABIP… Grey, numbers and old people scare me! Please. Okay, I’ll take it easy, but his WHIP should probably be in the 1.35 range vs. 1.20. So a lucky BABIP is disinfecting his WHIP. Masking the potential odor. He’s got a strong offense behind him so he might get his share of wins. Just don’t count on his peripherals remaining purdy. Armando Hammer may be from South America but don’t snort him….he’s baking soda. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – 5-for-5. If he doesn’t get some kind of kissing disease again from open-mouthing the rally monkey, this could be the start of a hot streak.

Jeff Mathis – Finally hot again. Only took him two and a half months. Eh, doesn’t matter to you, does it? Not like you need a catcher. You do? Oh, well, golly!

Howie Kendrick – 4-for-5. Okay, some of this Angels hitting can be attribute to a thin Indians pitching staff.

Mike Mussina – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks. 13 Across, Mussina’s season co-hosted by Cathy Lee Crosby, “That’s _________!”

Shane Victorino – HR off Maine. Moves in front of Alexis Rios with his 7th HR.

Carlos Quentin – 2 HRs, up to 26. I know how you feel, it’s all icing at this point. I agree, but say you grabbed (HR-hitting OF who’s on waivers) and traded Quentin for a pitcher. So you have a pitcher and (HR-hitting OF who’s on waivers), who could have the same amount of home runs as Quentin from now until the end of the year.  Things that make you say, “Hmm…”

Chipper Jones – If I’m talking about him, what do you think happened? He’s not hitting .400, he didn’t home run… He was injured? Look at the big brain on Brad. Chipper says he won’t need the DL. Instead, he’ll just clog up your bench. Sweet!

Luis Ayala – Remained the 8th inning setup man and managed to tighten Hanrahan’s hold on the closer job by giving up 3 runs.

Jim Thome – HR yesterday. I feel like Thome’s bringing the potatoes and mashing them, but people are still calling him a turkey. In the last month and a half, he’s batted over .320 with 9 HRs and 18 RBIs. If everyone on your team was doing that, you’d be in first place asking for fanny kisses.

Tim Hudson – Elbow tightness, but word on the streets of Hotlanta is he won’t miss a start.

CC Sabathia – So if he gets 8 straight wins, he’s not going to win the Cy Young because stats don’t carry from one league to another. When was this rule put in place? Before the invention of the phonograph? There’s interleague now, you morons! Why are we counting those stats? This “no carrying of stats” can’t even be defended. There’s no one sitting around in a bow-tie (and really all of these baseball elitists wear bow-ties), saying, “By George, Randy Wolf can still win the Cy Young because he was traded within the same league, but CC can’t. We’ve really figured out a way to make our stats matter!”

Ricky Nolasco – He’s been too good thus far to bail this quickly, but he gets the Mets next. He’s either headed for another Zoinks! or a Rebound! I think we’re looking at a Zoinks! (BTW, Rudy picked up Nolasco for this start in our league. Greinke’d!)

Jarrod Washburn – Trade target for the Yanks. Guess they saw the Randy Wolf move by the Astros and didn’t want to be left out.

James Shields – He’s the mother sauce of a great pitching staff. Mother sauce, I tell ya!

Jason Bartlett – Will be activated on Thursday. He’s been on the shelf all month and he still has 18 steals on the year. It was a knee injury though, so use some caution, you.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Glad I just traded him so he could start to get hot. *sticking hand in blender like Chunk*

Billy Wagner – Got the save. That ends the Smith-Duaner-Heilman-Feliciano Experiment until Wagner’s next flare up. (Two weeks.)

Mike Hampton – Set to join Braves rotation next week. I bet a bunch of you went back to reread that. Mike who? Hampton what?

Adam Dunn – Grand slam yesterday. They should weigh all MLB players in Dunns. Allow me to demonstrate, “Eric Byrnes is a third of a Dunn,” “So Taguchi is 3 Dunn arms,” and “Mike Napoli is 4 Dunn legs and 7 Dunn sausage fingers.”

The Fantasy Baseball Hall of Fame in conjunction with Razzball.com, are electing the All-Star teams of the Fantasy Era. For every season from 1980 to today full 23 man rosters will be created and analyzed. In the second installment the 1989 through 1991 seasons are identified.

Year: 1989
First Time All Stars: 11 – Craig Biggio, Bobby Bonilla, Will Clark, Jose DeLeon, Bo Jackson, Fred McGriff, Kevin Mitchell, Mike Moore, Ruben Sierra, Mickey Tettleton
3 Time All Stars: 4 – Eric Davis, Orel Hershiser, Mike Scott, Ryne Sandberg
5 Time All Stars: 2 – Rickey Henderson, Robin Yount
10 Time All Stars: N/A
Future FBHOF’ers: 5 – Biggio, Henderson, Bret Saberhagen, Sandberg, Young
Snubs: 3 – Lonnie Smith (10.6), Julio Franco (10.5), Don Mattingly (10.3)
16 Pt Season: 1 – Saberhagen (16.5)

All Star teams suffered through their worst stretch of the fantasy era between the 1986 and 1992 seasons. No team ranked higher than 19th and four of the six lowest ranked teams came from this period. There were few endearing qualities with the 1989 team since catchers, outfielders, and starting pitchers each ranked in the in the lower quartile when compared with their peers from other years. Even middle infielders were below average, ranking 17th, while relievers at least held their own at 10th.

1989 was the first year several future recurring all stars made their first. Fantasy Baseball Hall of Famer Craig Biggio had his first great year, as a catcher, and Bobby Bonilla, Fred McGriff, Ruben Sierra, and Mickey Tettleton also made their first appearances. Alternatively, the fantasy Baseball All Star squads said goodbye FBHOF’er Robin Yount and other greats such as Orel Hershiser, Mike Scott, and Eric Davis who would make their final All Star appearances this season.

Several popular players of the day enjoyed their best seasons. Will Clark batted .333 and drove in 111 runners; Bo Jackson hit 32 HR, stole 26 bases, and had 105 RBI; and Kevin Mitchell went off with 47 bombs and 127 RBI.

Nobody was better than Howard Johnson though. Johnson is a borderline Fantasy Baseball Hall of Famer who enjoyed the best year of his career this year. He missed the 40/40 club by 4 home runs, had over 100 runs and RBI, and recorded enough hits to bat .287. His 15.9 FBHOF points was the best among batters.

Bret Saberhagen was the leading fantasy pitcher, besting all starters in Wins, WHIP, and ERA.

The Oakland Athletics, led by All Stars Rickey Henderson and Mike Moore, swept the San Francisco Giants in the earthquake interrupted “Bay Bridge” World Series.

Positional Ranking Among the 28 Teams
C: 22nd
IF: 17th
OF: 21st
SP: 22nd
RP: 10th
Overall: 24th

Year: 1990
First Time All Stars: 10 – Barry Bonds, Rob Dibble, Doug Drabek, Cecil Fielder, Ron Gant, Kelly Gruber, Ramon Martinez, Dave Stewart, Bobby Thigpen, Matt Williams
3 Time All Stars: 6 – Roger Clemens, Carlton Fisk, Howard Johnson, Lance Parrish, Darryl Strawberry, Frank Viola
5 Time All Stars: 2 – Eddie Murray, Ryne Sandberg,
10 Time All Stars: 1 – Rickey Henderson
Future FBHOF’ers: 5 – Bonds, Clemens, Henderson, Murray, Sandberg,
Snubs: 4 – Jose Canseco (10.7), Lenny Dykstra (10.3), Andre Dawson (10.3), Fred McGriff (10.2)
16 Pt Season: Sandberg (16.4)

In 1990 improvements to the outfield and relief corps were offset by declining scores to catchers, middle infielders, and starting pitchers. In all, the 1990 squad was ranked a lowly 23rd. On a positive note, the 1990 All-Stars introduced the fantasy world to Barry Bonds. He batted .301 with 104 R, 33 HR, 114 RBI, and 52 stolen bases in the first of his fourteen All Star appearances. Additionally, the All Star careers of several other fantasy greats were launched – Doug Drabek, Cecil Fielder, Ron Gant, Matt Williams. Of the four, Gant had the best career (56.8 FBHOF points) and Fielder had the best year – 51 HR and 132 RBI.

This season also marked the end to several great All Star careers. Two excellent catchers, Lance Parrish and Carlton Fisk, had their last all-star quality seasons and ended their careers with 6 All Star appearances between them. This was also the last appearances for three timers Darryl Strawberry and Frank Viola.

The biggest losses however, were Rickey Henderson and Eddie Murray, both of whom are members of the Fantasy Baseball Hall of Fame. Murray was good enough for long enough to make 7 All Star appearances and Henderson was a step above him still, with 1990 being the last of an incredible 10 appearances. Henderson in particular ended on high note batting .325 with 119 R, 28 HR, 61 RBI, and 65 SB.

Roger Clemens was the pitcher of the year winning 21 games and striking out 209 batters in 228 innings. His ERA was under 2.00. 1990 was also the year of Dennis Eckersley (0.61 ERA, 0.61 WHIP) and Bobby Thigpen’s 57 saves. Rob Dibble was the third closer selected (98 IP, 136 K, 1.74 WHIP) making the closers the lone standout on the team.

After sweeping the year before, the A’s were themselves swept at the hands of the Cincinnati Reds in one of the biggest upsets in memory. Dibble represented the Reds while the A’s countered with 3 – Dave Stewart, Bob Welch, and Eckersley.

Positional Ranking Among the 28 Teams
C: 27th
IF: 23rd
OF: 8th
SP: 23rd
RP: 8th
Overall: 23rd

Year: 1991
First Time All Stars: 7 – Tom Glavine, Bryan Harvey, Mark Langston, Jose Rijo, Frank Thomas, Duane Ward, Mitch Williams
3 Time All Stars: 2 – Julio Franco, Paul Molitor
5 Time All Stars: 3 – Roger Clemens, Cal Ripken, Ryne Sandberg
10 Time All Stars: None
Future FBHOF’ers: Barry Bonds, Clemens, David Cone, Greg Maddux, Molitor, Ripken, Sandberg, Thomas,
Snubs: Rafael Palmeiro (11.5), Chris Sabo (11.1)
16 Pt Season: None

The key aspect of the 1991 Fantasy All Star team is the middle infielders. Julio Franco, Cal Ripken, and Ryne Sandberg were the best grouping since 1985 and averaged 13.6 FBHOF points, almost as many points as the outfielders. Together they hit 75 HR, scored 311 times, drove in 292 runners, stole 64 bases, and had a combined batting average of .315. The middle infielders wouldn’t be this good again until Alex Rodriguez burst onto the scene five years later.

The catchers, Mickey Tettleton and Benito Santiago, were both multiple time All-Stars who delivered about average productions for All Stars. They had power hitting 48 home runs and producing 176 RBI. Their weak batting averages (.263 and .267) prevented higher scoring.

Jose Canseco led the offense with 14.8 FBHOF points – he hit 44 HR, with 115 R, 122 RBI, and 26 SB. Fellow outfielders Ruben Sierra, Ron Gant, and Joe Carter were all multi year all stars and Barry Bonds had not yet reached superstar status. Together, they were roughly average when compared to other All Star outfields.

Pitching is a glaring weakness on the 1991 team. Roger Clemens was having another fine year (18 W, 1.05 WHIP, 2.62 ERA, 241 K) and Tom Glavine was very good (12.5 FBHOF Points) but no other starter cracked 10 points. That leaves 4 starters with an average score of just 8.9. David Cone was the worst of the lot thanks to a mediocre 14 Wins and a 3.29 ERA.

The 1991 World Series was one of the best ever, a 7 game duel decided by a 10th inning single by pinch hitter Gene Larkin in a scoreless game. The Twins won despite no fantasy All Stars on their roster.

Positional Ranking Among the 28 Teams
C: 17th
IF: 8th
OF: 16th
SP: 25th
RP: 19th
Overall: 28th