I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post. We’re Cousteau deep right now. The first tier have some nice flyers that you may drop after a week or so and the other schmohawks in this post are, well, schmohawks. So all the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next. That should excite you, you special person you. C’mon, let me pinch your cheeks. I didn’t say your face cheeks. Hey now! Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:
61. Alex Presley – This tier started in the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball post. This tier goes from here until Mitch Moreland. I called this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys. Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.” I already went over my Alex Presley fantasy. I wrote it while suing Supercuts for giving me simply a “great cut.” 2012 Projections: 80/10/60/.270/20
62. Mike Carp – I sorta mentioned this in the top 60 outfielder post, but a big problem we’re having right now is there are some real interesting upside gambles on some really terrible teams. Can someone pull a fast one and switch Carp with Trout? For the job, I propose Tim Salmon. Most of the schmohawks in this tier look like they Revere, Ben. At least with Carp, he’s giving you power, though, maybe nothing else. 2012 Projections: 55/21/70/.260/3
63. Chris Heisey – I like Chris Heisey a lot lot. Maybe too much, since he plays for Dusty Baker who insists on putting the horns to at least one young player. Heisey is either a righty who can’t hit lefties or a righty who hasn’t been given a fair shake to hit lefties. I think it’s the former, but if it’s the latter then you could have a nice get with Heisey. With his K-rates, there’s a very real chance he hits .240, but he could also hit 20 homers and steal 15 bases. There’s also the whole Ryan Ludwick issue. But Baker wouldn’t really play him over Heisey, would he? Um, well, it’s a late flyer. 2012 Projections: 50/17/65/.250/10
64. Dayan Viciedo – Having a hard time seeing past his K-rate and his lack of major league experience, but know someone who isn’t having a hard time with those things? Bill James. His projections for Viciedo are 21/3/.275. Viciedo had a .186 average vs. righties last year, but, as I tell girlfriends, that’s just a small sample size. He has destroyed minor league pitching and he’s only a Latin 22. 2012 Projections: 60/15/70/.260/3
65. Michael Brantley – Some crazy speed in the minors, but almost 500 plate appearances last year translated to the majors about as well as French comedy translates here. He’s like the American League version of Dexter Fowler (or the outfield’s Alcides Escobar, if that works better for you). Brantley stole 46 bases in Triple-A in 2009. Don’t make me hire Davey Lopes to coach you. Just run. 2012 Projections: 60/6/50/.275/20
66. Josh Reddick – I already went over my Josh Reddick fantasy when he was traded. I did it like this, I did it like that. I did it with a Wiffle ball bat. 2012 Projections: 75/15/85/.260/10
67. Jon Jay – There’s been some speculation that The Federalist may not be the starting center fielder for the Cardinals. La Russa’s Feathered Hair, “Hey, you don’t have me to kick around anymore! That’s on Matheny.” Until Allen Craig returns from surgery, Jon Jay should book that job, so there’s no reason to ask, why do the righteous suffer? 2012 Projections: 50/12/40/.280/10
68. Alejandro De Aza – Last year in Triple-A, he had 9 homers, 22 steals and hit .322 in 99 games. He was also 27 years old. Sounds Quad-A-ey (which is not a legal word for Words With Friends; I’ve tried). But, in only 171 plate appearances in the major leagues, he had 4 homers and 12 steals. That’s 12/30 over the course of a full season. Too bad they outlawed full seasons after Ripken retired. Could give De Aza a shot in March and when he’s no longer worth owning, you can tell your friends you just did the Alejandrop. Don’t get sad! Imaginary friends work too! 2012 Projections: 60/7/30/.270/20
69. John Mayberry – Last year, at the age of 27, he finally saw significant time in the major leagues. He also kept his K-rate fairly manageable. Maybe he was learning to walk again. Damn, that Foo Fighters song is annoyingly catchy. If Clarence were to show Ryan Howard what life would’ve been like without him, John Mayberry may have had a career. While Ryan Howard is learning to walk again — ugh, so catchy — Mayberry should be starting somewhere. 2012 Projections: 40/18/55/.250/10 in 400 ABs.
70. Jordan Schafer – I almost avoided putting any Astros hitters into any favorable ranking tiers. Oh, well. Here’s one, and even if you’re drafting purely on Zimmermania, Jordan Schafer is barely registering above yawnstipating. Person who just stumbled on Razzball, “Zimmermania? Yawnstipating? What is this mustachioed fool talking about?” Schafer isn’t much more than SAGNOF (Again, huh?!) but he hit as many as 10 homers in Double-A one year so maybe he can do something without the pressure of the pennant race. (Astros fan, “Oh, just wait until 2028 for us to come on! Assuming all other major leagues team fall to the Plague of 2027.”) Dang, two Astros zings in one post. Hey, one zing for each of their fans. 2012 Projections: 75/5/35/.245/25
71. Mitch Moreland – Was surprised to see he didn’t make my top 20 1st basemen post. Not sure what I was thinking. And if I don’t know, who’s gonna? What I might’ve been thinking was he’s already light on power and this offseason he had wrist surgery, which is not a recipe for more power as the Barefoot Contessa would tell you. 2012 Projections: 60/15/70/.275/3
72. Angel Pagan – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Span. I call this tier, “It’s hard for me to tell you to draft these guys, because, if things work out as planned, I won’t. But one of them might be more valuable than I’m ranking them, and, if you know which one, you’re a witch and that scares me.” You know what’s weird? Pagan and Torres seem to always be linked in the rankings. You’re like, “They’re the same person!” But they were traded for each other. How do you figure that? Weird, right? Yeah, I’m smart. 2012 Projections: 75/6/40/.280/27
73. Andres Torres – I could tell you to just look 1/8th of an inch above, but that’s lazy talk! *thinking* Actually, just look above. Thanks! 2012 Projections: 70/5/40/.265/24
74. Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare will finally get to start without having to look over his shoulder. And it’s now in Oakland, which is yet another pitchers’ park that ends in “co.” Thit! 2012 Projections: 55/15/70/.275/10
75. Martin Prado – Went over Prado’s projections in the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.
76. Josh Willingham – I can hear someone giving me guff for putting The Other White Meat this low in the rankings, but really he’s the first guy you drop when you want to pick up a hot hitter. Admit it at least to yourself. Willingham is the same as every other hot schmotato Luke Scott-Ty Wigginton clone that gets hot for a few weeks. 2012 Projections: 65/22/80/.250/3
77. Jason Kubel – I fought with myself over whether to put Kubel or Willingham first in these rankings. Finally, I flipped my Morneau voodoo doll and it came up heads, which either meant Willingham should be ranked first or another year of Morneau head trauma. I’ll let you decide. 2012 Projections: 60/20/75/.260
78. Ben Revere – Span and Revere seem like another two guys that are forever linked. You say, “Same player! Move on!” But how do you explain that they play on the same team? Still weird! 2012 Projections: 70/1/35/.280/30
79. Denard Span – Again, if I were going to be lazy– Eh, just look above. 2012 Projections: 65/4/55/.280/25
80. Carlos Lee – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the post. I call this tier, “In less than 7 years, these guys will receive just over 5% of the Hall of Fame vote and barely stay on the ballot for one more year.” Hey, do the Astros a favor, Chuck Lee, and shut em’ down. 2012 Projections: 60/20/80/.265/3
80 1/8. Grady Sizemore – Sizemore is only 29 years old and only three years removed from a 33/38 season. But, oh, what a three year span that was. He took naked photos of himself and his career took the exact inverse (inter)course of Kim Kardashian’s. Turned out Tom Sizemore wasn’t the only Sizemore with a joint problem and Grady is starting to show the wear and tear of an 80-year-old man like his first name makes him sound. With a 28.8% K-rate and 4 steals in the last two years, there’s really no reason to believe in Sizemore, but if you want to believe in miracles. 2012 Projections: 75/17/60/.245/5
80 1/4. Jason Bay – Member the days when Jason Bay was good? We wore our hair longer then. Well, you had hair. We had some laughs! Crazy times! 2012 Projections: 60/20/65/.250/8
80 what/fraction-is-this? Aubrey Huff – For almost his entire career, he’s alternated between good years and bad years. If you think that’s a reason why he’s going to be good in 2012, I’ll tell you it’s hooey. Grey, “It’s hooey.” See? 2012 Projections: 50/18/65/.255/3
80 1/2. Alfonso Soriano – About three years ago, Soriano turned 47 years old and he just hasn’t looked the same. “Get outta here you little brats, grandpa’s gotta go limp around the outfield! Geez, Vlad’s got it so easy with the DH.” That’s Alfonso in the dugout babysitting Starlin Castro and Geovany Soto. 2012 Projections: 45/18/60/.240/3
80 3/4. Bobby Abreu – He shouldn’t even be ranked. He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.* (*That’s my saying, but use it so it catches on. Your mother at dinner, “What do you think of that Ashton Kutcher?” You, “He’s coasting on good vibes and bad farts.” See? It’s easy to use.) 2012 Projections: 60/10/65/.250/15
