After being hit on the kneecap by a Jon Lester pitch, Mark Teixeira needed to be helped off the field by “Quiz Kid” Donnie Smith– I mean, Joe Girardi. Te(i)x must have been in serious pain to let a grown man with braces help him off the field. That’s I before E except in Teixeira seizes codeine. Luckily, Te(i)x’s x-rays came back negative and it sounds like he’ll only be out a few days with a bruised knee. You feel me? Yeah, you do. Now stop touching me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Jakubauskas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s not a worth a pickup outside a 20 team league that only uses Orioles. BTW, you think he ever misspells his own last name?
Nick Markakis – 0-for-4, hitting .236 on the year with 4 home runs. Not sure what happened to this young brother, but I wouldn’t even start him in an AL-Only league at this point.
Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Nine baserunners in 5 innings isn’t great; 5 walks vs. 4 Ks is terrible. He has a decent K-rate, but walks have been an issue before. I’d grab him in deeper leagues, but leave him on your bench for his next start. BTW, ESPN had a 17-word article that would make an eHow article look Pulitzer-worthy about how Rubby and Dee Gordon were in a game together and Ruby Dee was once in A Raisin in the Sun. “Hey, I got this great piece about Rubby, Dee Gordon and Ruby Dee!” “Great, give it to me in 20 words or less and in three minutes!”
Jonathan Broxton – If all goes according to plan, Broxton should be back within the next two weeks. So if he was dropped, I’d stash him for the future ulcer he will give you when he becomes the closer again.
Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with a steal as he hit leadoff. I was telling people yesterday to go with Eric Young Jr. over Gordon, but I think I wanna retract that. Can I get a do over?
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th home run. Speaking of do overs, can I go back and draft Kemp on every team? It’s no shock that the team where we are sitting comfortably in first has Kemp on it.
Javy Guerra – Think it’s a conincidence that the Dodgers haven’t had a save chance in two weeks? I don’t. For now, Guerra does seem like the guy they are holding back in case of a save opp.
Mike Carp – The Mariners called up the power-hitting 1st baseman. Since May 1st, he has 16 home runs. Of course, that’s in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon but still. Carp should see some ABs because the Mariners have no business playing Jack Cust. Cust kayin’.
Allen Craig – Left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall. He might miss a few days with a bruised knee, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised knee.
Lance Berkman – 1-for-3 with a home run a day after he had a steroid injected into his wrist. I guess as long as it’s not in your ass it’s okay. (You don’t have to go all Professor Frink in the comments, I know it’s a different type of steroid. I’m just bitter that Berkman’s not slowing down.)
Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Francisco did Mr. Bungle yesterday’s game so there’s a chance Rauch could see more looks. SAGNOF!
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, o ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Best he’s looked all year. Yeah, better than the no-hitter. If he’s out on waivers, I’d take a flyer on him to see if he just needed some warm weather and to get healthy.
Brett Anderson – As reported here after inferring shizz from other sites, Anderson was DL’d and is now going to see Dr. Freeze. You broke-ace trick!
Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. F-Her? More like F-U for drafting a top SP in the first few rounds.
Phil Humber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. His K-rate looks like Livan Hernadez’s when throwing BP. His BABIP is the second lowest (read: luckiest) in the league. His name sounds like it should be one word and a verb — She philhumbered whenever the teacher asked her for the answer. If you want to own him, be my guest. I wouldn’t touch him. (And since I feel you about to ask, this applies for Rick Porcello too.)
Carlos Quentin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th home run. I haven’t mentioned him much, probably because I don’t own him anywhere. I like Quentin and think he’s capable of 35 homers if he stays healthy. The problem is that ‘if’ is the size of Frenchie Davis.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. In the preseason, I told you to draft Zimmermann on every team. Over two months into the season, his ERA is 3.39 and his WHIP is 1.12. Yup.
Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hommy Tanson is so money that money asked him for a loan. Believe it! Or don’t. Your choice.
Brad Hand – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 6 Ks. Wow, a full house with the river card! Can only hope at Pro Player/Joe Robbie/The Company Formerly Known As Blockbuster/Sun Life Stadium they played, “Let’s hear it for my Hand, let’s hear it for my baby.” Hand had a so-so K and walk rate in Double-A this year and will probably get bounced from the rotation. I’d only look at him in deep NL-Only leagues.
Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. I’m sorry to insult Murray Chass, but wins are a really stupid category. That is all.
Juan Miranda – 4-for-4 with his 6th home run. He was hot about two weeks ago then ice cold. And I say what’s cooler than bein’ cool? Ice cold! Miranda may be heating up again. Hey ya!
Carlos Carrasco – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. After the game, all the AL pitchers in the league were lined up to pitch to the Twins like that scene in Airplane when they’re lined up to slap that lady who is hysterical.
Tim Stauffer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. It’s so cute when a Hodgepadre does what he’s supposed to do, I just want to pinch his cheeks.
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Sonavabench!
Miguel Cairo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd home run. Mubarak categorically denied any responsibility for Cairo’s offensive outburst.
