In the biz, we call this an “In Appreciation Of” post. This is in appreciation of Tildaddy. The one and only: Ronald Acuña Jr. (4-for-8, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a double slam (14, 15) and legs (29), hitting .333). Tildaddy says you are done with your chores! Scientists should get together Ronald Acuña Sr., Fernando Tatis Sr., Bobby Witt Sr., Michael Harris I and other former players, who have elite MLB sons, and let them study them. Like the movie, Concussion, but call it Cushion Pushin’. Tildaddy is running away with the top spot on the Player Rater, and–Well, one of his home runs yesterday went 461 feet and it looked like he was barely swinging. Put that together with a guy who might have 45 steals by the All-Star Break, and we’re looking at a possible 40/70 season. I just nearly fainted. I need to sit down. Sits in a hole labeled “People who faded Acuña in the preseason.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jesus Aguilar – Signed with the Braves. Jesus will be used as a pinch-hitter and holy candle.
Spencer Strider – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.12. Strider is such a perfect encapsulation of pitchers this year. Or I should say a perfect encrapsulation. All things being equal, Strider should be a top three pitcher in baseball, based off his stuff. “All things being equal” is such a hilarious thing to say about any pitchers in MLB this year, because there’s no rhyme or reason with pitchers this year. Julio Teheran or Strider? Well, clearly Strider, but good luck with that!
Michael Harris II – 4-for-8, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (7), hitting .227. As I said the other day, he was a buy low, and that time has passed now. I will say this for those that gave up on him early on, he still has no place to move up in the lineup, so the nine hole isn’t great, and this game was vs. the Tigers’ pitching, which is incredibly bad, and the previous series was the Gnats.
Reese Olson – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.75. Hey, I’m just gonna leave my Shasta on the counter of this Hezbollah-run pub, could you watch it for me? Thanks! *four hours later* Boy, it sure is drafty in here, could someone close my chest cavity–Wait a second! AHHHH!!! Roofie!
Andy Ibanez – 4-for-9, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two days. Fun fact! iBanez is a portable bathroom introduced by Apple in Latin America. I’d say hot schmotato alert, but I don’t think anyone’s ever picking up Ibanez, unless you gotta take a sh*t.
Jake Rogers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Did a search on the Player Rater for Rogers and he’s above Alejandro Kirk, and I will now do a chicken dance while woofing.
Eric Haase – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He Haase power, he Haasen’t much else.
Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Could be a hot schmotato, but also might be a star mitzvah in progress. Grab him and your monocles!
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Was pretty cool to see Miggy homer again. I was at lunch when he hit it, then at dinner when he crossed home plate.
Yordan Alvarez – Won’t do baseball activities for at least three weeks, which puts him out until after the All-Star Break. Astros’ beat writer said Yordan is “a ways off,” and that caused me to crumble into a heap on the floor. Began to hyperventilate, started yelling for my pop-pop only “pop-pop” is what I want to call Yordan and he’s not here anymore.
Lance McCullers – Underwent surgery on his forearm and is out for the season. It’s quite insane billion-dollar organizations can’t move faster on these things. McCullers felt pain on October 12th. Of 2021!
Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Well, I did tell you buy him low. Only said it about a month too early.
Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.27. Across so many of my teams it’s like this: Beat down! Beat down! Lance Lynn drubbing! A glimmer of sunshine from Framber. Repeat without rinsing.
Luis Matos – 1-for-3, 1 run, as he hit 2nd. Just gave you my Luis Matos fantasy. As frequent commenter, PK, pointed out, “Luis Matos is the perfect excuse to remind everyone that Mat Latos had a cat named Cat Latos.”
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer. Also, and maybe this is thinking too much but why is Carl’s Jr. Jr. hitting 9th? Did Gabe Kapler have the lineup card upside down? Ya know what I think it is, Kapler studied at the feet of one specific manager, and is Maddon’ening and way too Cashy, as he subs everyone depending on the handedness of the pitcher.
Anthony DeSclafani – 3 IP, 5 ER. Disco has a 4.31 ERA which is about the same as every other pitcher, but I expect better from other pitchers, not Disco. Streamonator also hates him.
Tommy Edman – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. In his Twitter bio, he’s listed as Tommy Edman/him.
Giovanny Gallegos – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.05 and his 3rd blown save. Like Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, the Cards bullpen’s womb is polluted. Not sure you can make a Saves Baby with that pen. Guess Jordan Hicks has been solid of late, and might see chances, but Gallegos isn’t necessarily out either. Or in, tee bee aitch.
Brian Anderson – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Just be thankful I didn’t write his name as Brett.
Luis Urias – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, and what might be his first hit of the season. Could see him getting hot, and he has great power, so worth a monocle, but I’d want to see more in most shallower leagues.
Royce Lewis – 0-for-2. Not sure I understand why he came into the game late. He was listed as day to day. Unless the “DtD” after his name means he’s a Doctor of Transcendental Debilitation.
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.65. My kingdom for an entire team of Obers. I love this guy. Quite possibly more than I should. I’m an Obermensch.
Reid Detmers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.48. If you started Reid Detmers in Texas vs. the Rangers, your testicles are so big that strangers comment on them.
Andrew Heaney – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Only Heaney can somehow give up 9 baserunners and one earned run. Guess it could be worse. I’m sure it could be better too.
Leody Taveras – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (7), hitting .305. Leody has 4 homers in June. Just what the Rangers need, another hot bat.
Corey Seager – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Detmers held them, but it was only a matter of time before the 1927 Rangers exploded.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He had the fans saying, “Semien? Get a load of this guy!”
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. A 453-foot homer the opposite way. He’s an unreal cheat code.
Garrett Whitlock – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Streamonator loved this one, doesn’t love his next, and I’m fine with that for him for now.
Eury Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.80. When he’s able to throw 150+IP, I’m gonna be doing things that you can’t do in mixed company.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-2 and his 20th homer. People still want to drop him. It’s incredible.
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Would silently judge you if I saw you drafted Jerry Tomato, but it’s not totally surprising to see him be better than he’s been. Never thought he’d just be awful.
Ranger Suarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Comically reliable even though no one cares.
Max Muncy – Has a Grade 2 hamstring strain, but Dave Roberts hopes he’ll play on Saturday. I’d laugh if I didn’t have him in a league where I’ve already lost Jazz and Oneil, and Muncy’s MI eligibility is keeping me afloat. This shizz is so predictable. He’s going to return on Saturday, play an inning, make it worse. Rest on Sunday and try again to play in the beginning of the week. Then hit the IL right after weekly lineups lock.
Joe Musgrove – Dealing with elbow bursitis and it bothers him at high elevations. Ah, very smart, way to avoid pitching in Coors. Sounds like Musgrove needs to start sleeping in a humidor like Michael Jackson.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Macho macho Manny!
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (14) and double legs (9, 10). FTJ! Fun The Jewels fast!
Michael Wacha – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.89. In one league, I punted pitching and I have Wacha as my ace, and I’m in 2nd place. In another league, I “lucked” into Strider falling to me, and I’m in 7th.
Juan Soto – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. It’d be so nice to see Sexy Dr. Pepper go on a two-month-long bender where he looks like old Sexy Dr. Pepper, and not Flat Dr. Pepper.
Jake Burger – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. Picked up Burger in one league yesterday, and was surprised to see him on waivers, but don’t mind if I do, nomnomnom.
Luis Robert Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Lou Bob calling me “La Boob” for fading him.
Mike Clevinger – Left the game with biceps soreness. Aw, I’m going on eBay and putting a penny bid on the world’s smallest violin.
Stuart Fairchild – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. You ever see his name and start singing Big Audio Dynamite’s Innocent Child? No? Hmm, guess we are different. Any hoo! Fairchild is clearly hot. I would’ve liked to know you…as Stuart Fairchild.
Spencer Steer – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. I’ve started calling him Pner Steer because there is no CES.
Matt McLain – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .328. No goodship showboat like Elly, but McLain persists.
Salvador Perez – Hit on the hand, but x-rays came back negative. Sal does shots of fastballs off his hand for breakfast. After licking a little Tajin off his hand and a squeeze of lime.
Vinnie Pasquantino – Headed for shoulder surgery. Oh, no, not my beautiful boy, Vinnie Pasketti! I can’t-a deal with such a ca-pasta-trophe! Not to lay more bad news on my beautiful boy, but guys don’t just come back from shoulder surgery. He’s about to be a 15-homer hitter next year. Hopefully, he comes back eventually, but this is as bad as this news gets for a power hitter. Pouring some tomato gravy out for him.
It happened like this @Razzball, idea via @hugedays https://t.co/GD7HDepm8j pic.twitter.com/rY4OAHJvJ5
— Ohtani Stan Account (@CoolwhipRB) June 14, 2023
Osvaldo Bido – 4 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was called up. He actually looked great with nice life on his fastball and cutter. From what I’ve read, he loses command, which leads to walks and high exit velos bingo-bangos. Too bad. Not-so-Jolly Roger out!
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. The Dread Pirate is a Zombino? What a rip-off of that Depp movie.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Oye como yay!
JJ Bleday – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Ice Cube was right, it was a Bleday.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.43. You come for the A’s, you best not miss (because they’ll be in Vegas soon and you won’t catch them).
Jose Berrios – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Pitching this year is “Whatever causes you the most what the eff face.” Next year, go back in on Berrios and he’s absolutely going to be awful. Avoid Lance Lynn next year? Oh, he’ll be a 2.50 ERA guy. Saberhagenmetrics are real.
Kyle Bradish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.90. Streamonator hates his next one, and I agree, and I like Bradish a bit. I’m okay-ish on Bradish.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.75 vs. Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.40. I heard the word “clutch” screamed so many times in 30 minutes of watching this Yankees/Mets game, it was like I was listening to a father teach his kid how to drive stick. The worst thing ESPN ruined is ESPN. Before ESPN became Soundbite Theater, Vin Scully and others would tell a story and take you through the game. Now it’s just ESPN trying to out-ESPN themselves. I sound like an old man yelling to get off his lawn. I know this.
