As the sun sets on another month of action in the baddest dynasty league this side of Bangkok. We check in on the happenings of the Razz30. By now the reputation of the Crab Army has reached the farthest corners of the earth scarring everyone from Rudy Poo Giants to Kim Jong Un. While controversy has been lacking the past month or so, the Crabs have been patiently waiting for their next beef. Who wants it? Will a challenger emerge? A question that in all likelihood will remain unanswered. So what have we been up to? The reality is as simple as a pancake but as complex as a transmission. The short answer, a little this, and a little that. We’ve bonded over looming and the softness of a homemade Turkish bath towel. We asked the hard questions like, is the Brewers Jared Hughes a serial killer as his ESPN profile picture implies? We also contemplated polyamory, and discussed its merits and disadvantages. In addition to all these things, the Crab Army General, Nick the Dick, and I engaged in a torrid platonic love affair, only matched by Balki and Cousin Larry. Oh, and as always we battled in a high stakes game of fantasy baseball. A game where life or death will literally lay in the balance. As the bottom two teams in each league face death by cannibalism at the end of the season. This is the only way to maintain strength in our ranks. We must dispose of any weakness, by digesting the weak, and regurgitating their remains for our seeds to feast. This is the Razz30 update for June. Claws Up!!!
The NL: The senior division, now nearly halfway through the season, owns the four top teams in the land. Not much movement at the top of the ranks as Nationals continues to hold strong with 171 points, only the drop of a single category point month over month. Dodgers still remains a very strong number 2, further separating himself from my Mets, and Nick’s Cubs, as he added 12.5 category points month over month, by far the highest point jump in the NL. My Mets have pulled ahead of the Cubs on the strength of Chris Sale’s arm and a flurry of injuries to the Cubbies. The Diamondbacks had one of the more significant drops, losing 14 category points in June. This slip has allowed the one known as Gooch Wizard Jaaaaake Hall to boost his Brewers up to 5th place with 110.5 points. All in all the race looks set. A strong second half push by Jaaaaake, could push, either myself or Nick’s Cubs out of the playoff picture.
The AL: The top two remain the same over on the AL side, with last year’s champ The Sheriff McRawDawg led Red Sox staying even Stephen month over month with 135.5 roto points. The brilliantly managed Twins are still sitting pretty in second with an opportunity to gain on the Red Stockings in July. Twins is a consummate reminder of what happens when you A. make smart trades, and pickups, and B. are no longer oppressed by your REL overlords, who seem to have evanesced themselves from the world of Razzball. The Wild Card race is far more intriguing on the AL side. As both the Yanks and Indians are not only tied for the Wild Card lead, but also are within striking distance of their respective division leaders. Now for the most dynamic of overtakings this month, as the in-state rivalry of Houston vs. Dallas took the big stage in Razz30, with those pesky Stros overtaking the Rangers, and brutalizing their oppositions gooch in the process. Month over month Astros gained 12 roto points leaving the Rangers 6 points back. Come on Ryan, Adele doesn’t like losers.
After a flurry of activity through the first month with a whopping 171 adds/drops, things picked up in May with the total add/drop numbers coming in at 192!!! So it comes with great sadness that I announce a mere 118 add/drops in June. I mean there’s only so many moves one Crab can make. Right?
Giants Claim (FA), Eric Young Jr., OF – LAA $44
Cubs Claim (FA), Buck Farmer, SP,RP – DET $8
White Sox Claim (FA), Jose Pirela, 2B,OF – SD $10
Blue Jays Claim (FA), Tyler Austin, 1B – NYY $33
Orioles Claim (FA) Wilmer Font, SP – LAD $2
Red Sox Claim (FA) Tommy Hunter, RP – TD $1
Marlins Claim (FA) Alen Hanson, (R) 2B, SS – CWS $33
Cardinals Claim (FA) Jake Junis, SP – KC $0
Athletics Claim (FA) Daniel Johnson, OF – WAS $15
Mets Claim (FA) Nabil Crismatt, SP – NYM $7
A large part of the Razz30 life is constant trading. Since the inception of the new format there have been 79 trades in total. Because discussing 79 trades would just be bananas, I’ll focus on all those that took place in June. Take a look below, and feel free to ask questions in the comments. I’m sure our gracious league managers would be glad to discuss these trades with you.
The Fat Woman and The Cop
There’s a woman at my work who tried to have sex with a cop in our staircase. Let this be a reminder that Tinder giveth, and Tinder taketh. But never forget no one wants to see a manatee like woman getting plowed by a cop. No one, particularly that cop’s wife.
Beard Of The Month
With the amount of testosterone, masculinity, and grown man stuff associated with the Razz30, there might not be anything more symbolic than our beards. Below you will see the Crab Army General Nick The Dick AKA Baby Smooth Gooch AKA the OG Bloody Crab AKA The Crab Feeder AKA The Roast Surgeon AKA G’d Up Ed Norton. Test Nick and he’s guaranteed to get in that ass. The blood on Nick’s mouth is the genesis of the blood in our league logo.
Grooming Tip For June
Always use dude wipes after a messy bowel movement, and as always use our sponsor Fresh Balls to keep your gooch top notch.
**Going to a minor league game? Get in on our crowdsourced scouting video project! Use your phone to shoot at bats, pitches, etc of some of the top prospects, and email them to me at [email protected]**