That title is very confusing if you have a lisper reading it to you. Why you’re having someone else read it to you, let alone a lisper doesn’t make any sense. You can’t find a better-qualified Task Rabbit? Put down your soy capp-a-latte and find a better intern; you owe it to yourself. Last year, Justin Upton had a problem with his thumb. He hit 8 homers the first 4 months of the season. After he took off his hand guard and his thumb felt better, he hit nine homers in the final two months. Chase Headley doesn’t have Chase Field or Headley Field, for that matter. He also doesn’t have any offense around him. Literally. He’s hitting in front of Nadir Bupkis and behind Tumble Weeds Jr., and now he’s out for a month to six weeks, at least. I mentioned Upton because I’m trying to get through that thick melon on your shoulders how important hands are for hitters. Headley has gone from a high-ranked, 3rd baseman looking to repeat last year to a risky DL stash that isn’t much more than a corner man. In the top 20 3rd baseman for 2013 fantasy baseball and the top 400, I moved Headley way down. I wouldn’t touch him with his thumb, fingeratively. A fractured thumb is non-violent, but for fantasy it’s Headley. Double pun point! On a related note that’s a tangent closer than most of what you’ve read, Gyorko could move to 3rd base and might take an extra month to gain 2nd base eligibility in Yahoo leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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See all of today’s starting lineups

# MLB Starting Lineups For Fri 8/15
ARI | ATH | ATL | BAL | BOS | CHC | CHW | CIN | CLE | COL | DET | HOU | KC | LAA | LAD | MIA | MIL | MIN | NYM | NYY | PHI | PIT | SD | SEA | SF | STL | TB | TEX | TOR | WSH | OAK

Welcome to the first Deep Impact of the year. Did you miss me? Good, because I didn’t miss you. So there.

Remember, the Deep Impact series is aimed towards a different audience than your regular re-draft leagues. That’s because we do things deeper and harder, with special sauce. And while there are many different formats and scoring systems for deep leagues, there are elements we can create a context with. All deep leagues have some sort of dynasty mechanism, which favors younger and/or cost-controlled players. Along with that aspect, you’ll have a robust MiLB system, usually with multiple drafts (MLFAD, FYPD) and escalating long term contracts that attach to those players once activated. And last, but not least, you are most likely dealing with leagues that have anywhere from 15 to 30 teams, NL-only, AL-only, more advanced scoring categories (OBS, W+QS, TB, S*2+H, etc.) and you can even add simulation leagues like Strat-O-Matic or Scoresheet into the mix. We basically have to smash all those things into one sandwich, and then add your usual facets: 2013 production, lettuce, 2014+ potential production, tomatoes, injury risk, bacon, positional scarcity, etc.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Gird your loins – we’re currently navigating positions battles in each division. Today I’m talking about the AL West, which gains the Astros this year, if anyone considers them something you gain. Every other team in the division should stand to benefit from the move. Maybe I’ve already beat them into the ground, especially with my review of worst pitching staffs in 2012, but they really could have a season for the ages (of a fallen empire). Across the state, the Rangers should continue to be a powerhouse, despite Ron Washington’s “leadership.” Meanwhile, the Angels look like the terminator, although, once their non-Trout core ages a little more, maybe they’ll be merely human. Today’s empires, tomorrow’s ashes – am I right? I don’t want to say anything bad about the Mariners other than this sentence implying that I have something bad to say about them. Ah yes, and I’m required by the union of baseball writers to have a token mention of the A’s. There you go. Anyway, here’s some of the position battles to watch in the AL West:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Now Aroldis Chapman says he wants to be the closer. Hahahahahahaha… Wait, why are you putting me in this room with padded walls? No, the Reds haven’t driven me crazy. I’m wearing a potato sack because the fabric breathes. Dusty’s the crazy one, not me. What is that powdery substance you’re stirring into my Jamba Juice? I saw you… I feel drowsy… Jack, I just want to see what’s in the hatch… ….Whoa, just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that not only did Dusty say he wanted Aroldis as the closer, but that Aroldis was saying it too. All of that came after they signed Broxton to close games, with Sean Marshall and Jose Arredondo setting him up. Wait, why am I still wearing a potato sack? It’s true?! AAAHHH! I blame Dusty and the toothpick he hasn’t changed since late-1997. He’s got splinters in the brain. The good news (depending on how optimistic you can be) is Aroldis has about the same value and ranking as a closer as he does as a starter. His auction value wouldn’t really change either. If anything, Aroldis is probably a tad higher in rankings if he’s a closer. It’s a role that he’s not only done before, but it’s a role that had him produce a top ten overall fantasy season. The bad news is, you might own a $12 Salad and if you drafted him as an ace, you no longer have a starter, which could change the entire dynamic of your team. This would kill Broxton’s value too. This still isn’t a done deal, Aroldis and Dusty might get overruled by Reds management, who obviously want him as a starter. I ask the Reds, “Is deciding on a role dis hard?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2013 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2013 Brewers Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy Kyle Lobner from Brew Crew Ball.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Organizational Talent Rankings via Baseball America
2012 (5) | 2011 (23) | 2010 (28) | 2009 (26) | 2008 (20)

2012 Affiliate Records
MLB: [81-81] NL West
AAA: [81-63] Pacific Coast League – Reno
AA: [69-71] Southern League – Mobile
A+: [64-76] California League – Visalia
A: [67-73] Midwest League – South Bend
A(ss): [36-40] Northwest League — Yakima (Hillsboro beginning 2013)

Graduated Prospects
Patrick Corbin (LHP); Bryan Shaw (RHP)

The Run Down
The Diamondbacks entered the off-season with one of the most impressive collections of 25-and-under talent in the game. With the departures of Justin Upton and Trevor Bauer, however, that youthful core took a major hit in the high-impact department. One of Arizona’s motives in those trades was adding low-risk depth, and in that regard, they did quite well — Didi Gregorious and Nick Ahmed are premium defenders up the middle, Zeke Spruill is a safe bet to max out his potential, and Brandon Drury is a 1B with upside. Unfortunately for us, though, these changes make the D’Backs organization a tad less exciting for fantasy purposes. But that doesn’t mean this system is void of fantasy intrigue. There’s actually plenty of immediate-impact potential here with guys like Tyler Skaggs and Adam Eaton. There’s long-term excitement, too, with prospects like Archie Bradley and Stryker Trahan.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2013 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2013 Astros Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy James from Astros County.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to stumble through some baseball-related drunken lullabies, (mostly) rants labeled as poetry, and a token haiku. If you read between the lines, you just may even find some potentially useful fantasy advice. See what I did there? Call me “overqualified.” Anyway, here’s to some of the players […]

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You’ve seen Grey’s PEDS, you’ve seen his auction strategy, you’ve seen his Pitcher Pairings, you’ve seen his rankings, you’ve seen his Fantasy Baseball War Room, you’ve seen his mustache… doode’s an open book (and actually, he’s got one of them, too). He’s fantasy baseball’s equivalent of Anna Paquin, constantly naked but odd-looking, so who cares? Wait, he’s more like Helen Hunt, willing to do full frontal, but way past his expiration date. Hmm, maybe Anne Hathaway, baring it all but overrated in terms of talent and sexiness? Point is, he shows a lot, but he’s less accessible than he appears.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Like a lot of fantasy players, I’ll be waiting on drafting a catcher again this year. Catchers and closers are usually where I want to spend my last few picks or dollars, so I need to squeeze as much value out of them as I possibly can, hoping to hit big on a player that could just as likely end up on the wire in a month. There are a number of catchers who fall in this category, but among them is an interesting bounce back candidate in Tigers backstop Alex Avila.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jedd Gyorko wins 2nd base job, yay says fantasy baseballers and Richard Kelly. The next thing you know, ol’ Jedd will head off to Beverly, Hills that is. On road trips to Los Angeles. Or Magic Johnson will just give him $100 million to sit next to Dee Gordon and Ryu. “You use your free tickets yet to see Jack the Giant Slayer at Magic Johnson theaters?” That’s Ryu talking to Gordon. They’re good friends. So, Gyorko is reportedly the new 2nd baseman in San Diego. I say bravo to the Friars. In one week, a new Pope and a new 2nd baseman. What did you do this week? Stretch your Sunday meal out into Thursday? Nice work! This might be the Year of the Snake, but it’s the week of the Gyorko, after mentioning him already three times. The hype’s been building in my pants for a while. Did I just say in my pants? No, I don’t think I did, but this post is a locomotive that can’t be stopped. In November, I wrote a Jedd Gyorko fantasy. There, I said I’d be surprised if he didn’t start the year in the majors. *shrugs, combs mustache, waits for balloons to fall from ceiling* I wrote that shizz in November! Okay, no ceiling balloons, fine. Blowing a frickin’ noisemaker wouldn’t hurt you. Gyorko has been a beast through the minors, and should hit in the majors + Petco = Linda Ronstadt. Wow, my math was way off there. It was supposed to equal a 2nd baseman with upside. Since I figured Gyorko would be in the majors to start the year, his projections were already in my top 400 for 2013 fantasy baseball, but I did move him up in the top 20 2nd basemen and top 20 3rd basemen posts. I almost moved Jedd up even further, but Petco and cold sores from previous bouts of rookie nookie kept him in the early 200’s overall range. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2013 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Trying to think of a title usually takes me an hour. This one took about a month. To be totally honest with you, because I lie all the time, I’m not sure where the hiccup occurred. Usually step 1 is drink. Step 2 is smashturbate. Step 3 is begin word vomit, complete with an all-encompassing, all-knowing title to catch your eye and get you to scroll down two more inches. That’s what she said.

Please, blog, may I have some more?