“Schlurricane is the hottest sharp in daily fantasy sports! Nobody, and I mean nobody, can rival his recent success! He’s got today’s locks and I MEAN THEY ARE LOCKS!!! Schlurricane guarantees today’s picks or the rest of the season is free! That’s right, absolutely free!!! You heard it right, his information is so good that if you don’t win 5,000,000 dollars today every other piece of advice for the rest of this season, is 100% free! Call now to receive them on a recorded message. That number is 1-800-RAZZBALL.COM!!! THAT’S 1-800-RAZZBALL.COM!!!”

Ok, don’t call that number… But if you don’t win with this lineup today, the rest of my picks for the year are actually gonna be free. You don’t even have to hoard coupons for this deal.

When the higher ups (Sky in the plural tense) asked me if I could fill in a big Friday piece, I knew I had to bring it hard. Who brings it harder than those coked out Jersey hustlers who pretend to be kings of Vegas? Maybe the one guy who’s side job is in Tehol’s primary field of employment? Otherwise no one. The problem with those guys is they’re all BS. There’s no such thing as a lock and they know it. But, if they win, a bunch of suckas will sign up. If they lose, their crappy predictions become free to those sheepish enough to continue to follow. We don’t do that at Razzball. First of all, we got legit prediction tools thanks to the Stream-O-Nator and HitterTron. Second, we know our readers are sucka free! Tertiarily, (a Wiktionary special) we win, and want to share the chedda. But, you gotta supply your own milk. We’ll add the culture.

Remember, DFS, like all smart gambling, is only done well when you find advantages and trust it over time. It allows the anomalies to distance themselves from the norm. If it doesn’t win for you today, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. Today could be the anomaly. With that being said, I’m feeling really good about today’s lineup recommendation. Get yourself in a couple of 50/50 leagues and a couple of Triple Ups at DraftKings with the following.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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See all of today’s starting lineups

# MLB Starting Lineups For Tue 8/5
ARI | ATH | ATL | BAL | BOS | CHC | CHW | CIN | CLE | COL | DET | HOU | KC | LAA | LAD | MIA | MIL | MIN | NYM | NYY | PHI | PIT | SD | SEA | SF | STL | TB | TEX | TOR | WSH | OAK

The other day I said that I smelled a Disgraceful List stint coming for Tony Cingrani from a dead arm, then yesterday the Reds announced Cingrani had shoulder tendinitis. He said he didn’t think he needed a DL stint. I’ve said this before, but it always surprises me how teams can put players who are not injured on the DL. Before a player can go on the DL, Major League Baseball should require approval from one person: a strict school nurse. “Hey, Nurse Blumenthal, this is the Mets calling and we were wondering if we can DL Bartolo Colon with an inflamed elbow?” Nurse Blumenthal gives out a disapproving groan, yanks up her hosiery and then tells them, “I saw him playing catch and talking to some girls in the parking lot. I’d say he looked fine. Goodbye!” I’d DL Cingrani for now and pray to whoever will hear fantasy baseball prayers — A nerdy priest? An athletic rabbi? Do these things exist? — that Cingrani gets right with himself and the world in two weeks’ time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Ever had one of those years where everything that could conceivably go wrong, does? I can tell you all, 100 percent honesty, that this has never happened to me before, and much like Lindsay Lohan, I am feeling lost, lonely, and pretty damn confused about my embarrassing fall from grace. It all began when I was invited to participate in the #1 RCL league, which includes Grey, Rudy, and countless other fantasy legends (like not-Jay). I was beyond ecstatic at the opportunity to prove I was best in the business at this fantasy sh*t, and after the draft, there was no doubt in my mind I would compete for the title. My team seemingly had it all; A dynamic mix of power and speed, a wondrous collection of power arms who played for winning organizations, and unquestionably more upside than any other team. I had it all, baby!

As I now look at the standings and witness my team falling all the way to 11th place,  my dreams have been utterly demolished. Finally, an opportunity to play with the big dogs, and I totally disgrace myself. I feel like Christian Slater attempting to get into an A-list Hollywood party. The rejection is too much to bear, and I’m having thoughts about going back to doing solo porn jack-off videos. Let’s analyze the team that keeps me up at night. What went wrong? To me, this was a championship contending team, without question. It’s become a bottom feeding bum-fest, and I’m strongly considering throwing in the towel.

Shall we meet the team?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you cheated and looked ahead before reading, shame on you! But, for those who didn’t, I am attaching my cart to Francisco Rodriguez. Not only has he done nothing wrong (which seems impossible for closers nowadays), but looks in no danger of getting the rug ripped out from under him. The team is winning, the bullpen is toight like a tiger, and Jimbo Hendo looks to be doing a swell job as second fiddle. Not only would I marry K-rod right now, he can also fart in my dinner… tonight. (Ed. Note– Protip: I wait until at least the second date before letting farts in my food.) I mean what he is doing is pretty remarkable– most saves in April, EVER. It reminds me of the good times when I played the jug in the band The Dixie Cups. For a barely drafted guy who wasn’t even the teams first choice for saves… and to also be giving your team a saves boost for basically nothing, you should wanna carry his luggage. So keep reading to see what other closer goodies I got for ya… or just skip to the comments and tell me something awesome.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Carlos Santana provides the back drop for today’s headline of the May Day Draft Kings special. Well it’s not a special contest but it happens to be my Thursday that coincides with it being May Day. Before we move forward lets make it clear that this is Carlos Santana the guitarist’s song I’m word playing with and not the poor hitting catcher and the Santana I’m talking about in the title is the pitcher Ervin Santana who is not related to any of the previous mentioned Santana’s. Wow, that’s a lot of Santana’s. When I was a kid I jacked my dad’s Santana tape and listened to that thing until I broke it. Then when I got older and did drugs and all the songs made sense. I got your Jingo right here. Ervin Santana is what I like to call my sure thing pitcher who most will probably start but I don’t want to be behind the eight ball because that wold suck buy or S.T.P.W.M.W.P.S.B.I.D.W.T.B.B.T.E.B.B.T.W.S.B. I think I need to work on that acronym. Maybe I should ask the baby’s mama what she thinks I should call it? First she gives me “pick of the litter” but that really plays into all this kitty business around here and I can’t be having that. I love puppies too much. Then she turns to me and says he’s your 24 carat play. I like it, he’s my 24 carat play today, he cost’s a lot and he’s worth every penny of it. I love her Long Beach ghetto vernacular. When you get the Marlins and their 2nd worst 24.7% K rate and you play for a team that should score more runs than the other team then I think you got a 24 carat play. The dude has been on fire this year posting 3 wins in 4 starts a 1.95 ERA, and 10 K/9. Those numbers mean it’s a yes and thank you please. The Stream-o-Nator loves him today as it’s second favorite play on the day at $16.8. If you are looking for a second opinion on the Miami hitters, after Giancarlo Stanton, Christian Yelich is the next highest Hitter-Tron option at $6.7, which is not good for daily. Here are some other plays I like today.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

C.J. Wilson doesn’t really know what’s going on unless Twitter tells him. He tweeted out Mike Napoli’s phone number. He watches Shark Week. He has a big TV. He hasn’t watched his TV since November. His TV is bigger than his car. His car is big. He watches Lost reruns, out of order. He wears Old Spice, on his head. He is a Taoist. He thinks a Taoist has something to do with wearing a towel while being interviewed. He told a guy to wash his mouth out with soap. He listens to Killswitch Engage, which Google tells me is a metalcore group. Even Google didn’t know what metalcore was. Four ladies and gentlemen, those were all C.J. Wilson quotes. Yesterday, he continued his dominance with a performance of 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.18. So, you’re saying after Curtis Jackson Wilson was mollywhopped in his first start of the year, I should’ve held him? Since his first start, he’s thrown 34 innings with a 2.12 ERA and he has more Ks than innings pitched. He’s hard to like him because of his all-around douchebaggery, but his numbers aren’t lying and right now they’re saying he’s a strong fantasy number two. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Ranking prospects for fantasy purposes is a tricky exercise. The variables involved are constantly in flux — talent emerges, talent regresses… opportunity comes, opportunity goes… clubs get cold feet because of service time, clubs don’t give a shizz about service time. So, given the fluid nature of this prospect business, we’re going to keep a running ranking throughout the season. This post will run every other Wednesday, providing a biweekly glimpse of the soon-to-arrive impact talent.

1.  Gregory Polanco, OF, Pirates (Previously Ranked #2): He’s hitting .400/.457/.632 with 4 HR and 4 SB through 105 PA at Triple-A Indianapolis. Need I say more? If I do need to say more, then please refer to Sunday’s Minor Accomplishments post, where Polanco headlined.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Before we jump into the cash-filled DraftKings pool, let your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru pull on your coat about something cool happening here that will change your life forever – Razzball Radio is ready to launch! Starting on Monday there will be daily fantasy talk with Nick, Grey, Rudy and all your fave Razzballin’ personalities. And Tehol. I sure hope my new turban arrives from Calcutta in time. Let the stalking begin!

As I said last week I’ll be letting you follow my DraftKings progress through the season as I try to build that bankroll to the point where I can spend a few of the winter months in Cancun. However, after my showing last week it may just be a couple days in Newark. Ouch. Over the last seven days I’ve been mired in a 20-for-60 slump including a loss to Tehol who spanked me good and seemed to enjoy it just a bit too much. I was able to rebound later in the week cashing in seven of my final eight contests, but ultimately ended up in the red for the week. On the season, the bankroll has doubled and it’s time to get back to the winning ways.

For those familiar with DFS play feel free to skip ahead to today’s lineup as I share some strategies for choosing hitters. My downfall last week was hitting. I stacked the wrong teams, terrible starters pitched gems against good lineups and I was convinced someone had a Guru voodoo doll. Despite the tough week, I will stick to my system for picking hitters as it has paid off well in the past. I’m not one to junk my entire philosophy on one bad stretch. Here are the five things I look at when building a DFS lineup: 1) Pick on the day’s worst pitchers in the best hitters parks. 2) Check the Vegas o/u. Look for high scoring games. Vegas knows what they’re doing. Use them. 3) Forget batter vs. pitcher matchups if the sample is less than 100 AB’s. The sample size is just too small. 4) Check the lefty-righty splits. If I’m on the fence between two equal bats I’ll choose the bat with the better numbers against the splits, i.e. a right-handed bat vs. a left-handed pitcher or vice versa. 5) Embrace the wOBA. What the hell is that, Guru? The new Star Wars villain? Well, my sabermetricly challenged friend in the Yoda mask, “wOBA” is weighted on-base average and is the stat I look at the most when deciding on hitters. I won’t get into the science of the power of the wOBA, but know that it’s a stat that can accurately predict a hitters value. The DFS sharks love their wOBA, but don’t like to tell.

Alrighty my Razzballers, here’s your dirty turbaned Guru’s lineup for Wednesday’s 4/30 contests on DraftKings for 2014 Fantasy Baseball. Remember to check the lineups and the Doppler radar. Don’t get left with a big fat zero if it starts raining frogs in Boston. Good luck.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Carlos Carrasco was bumped from the rotation. Do I smell a 400-foot, long-tossing fool from Columbus, Ohio that has a rap group that plays to sell-out shows in the furnished basement of his parents’ house? Trevor Bauer, your time is near. I said that last line in a Darth Vader voice. Trevor, I am your father. I said that in the voice of someone who has a son named Trevor. Am I confusing you? How about now? Trevor Bauer may have overcome his past WHIPping post issues and could be usable in all mixed leagues. They worked with Trevor in Triple-A. They taught him to pitch from the rubber instead of short center. I would speculate on him, as I said in Friday’s Buy column, I wouldn’t go and drop anyone too crazy valuable. Josh Tomlin may instead be called up to replace Carrasco. Tomlin can’t pitch out of the bullpen because it takes him like 2 innings to get out of his oversized chair. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Easy now, pardner. We’re not doing podcasts anymore, but we are going to start doing a daily radio show as of next Monday. Our fantasy baseball radio show will live under that link-ma-jiggie that I just linked to. Seamless! To give you an idea of a schedule, Nick will be taping every day at around 10 PM EST and uploading to Razzball Radio. He’ll have all the usual Hawks of Schmo on over there, including Rudy and I. I’m in for two days a week, but that will fluctuate to more or less depending on schedules. This won’t be the last time I tell you to go over there, so you can put this information in the same place you put all the other info I’ve told you that you’ve chosen to ignore. Too bad you didn’t ignore the part where I said to draft Brad Miller, huh? He’s a crumb-bum! On today’s podcast, I dissect Nick’s poorly-managed RCL team, my thoughts on Justin Morneau, David Wright and we spend about 315 minutes talking about Masahiro Tanaka. That’s all after I tell you about my absolute worst get-rich scheme. Anyway, here’s the Razzball Podcast (now with a final adieu which will lead you to asking next week, “This is kinda still a podcast, why are they calling it a radio show?” Good question!):

Please, blog, may I have some more?

And why wouldn’t I? As the District’s most profound half-Irish/half-Korean bachelor, I’m a pretty decent fish in this pretty swampy pond. Razzball Commentator J-Money knows this. How does he know this? If you missed last week’s Razzball Podcast, Nick the Podcast Radio Host announced the first 32in32in32 Tour contest. The first person to find my OkCupid dating profile would win two free tickets to the tour and get a beer from each of us. To be honest, I figured it would take longer then a span of four hours, but I didn’t realize plenty of clues were left during my long tenure here at Razz. Also, I didn’t realize you guys could do stalker so well. MORE OF YOU NEED TO BE WOMEN. That’s the lesson here. Regardless, since it is public record and has been discovered, yes, my dating profile is now available to the Razz-community. Please share it with your sisters and/or mothers. For research I guess. Speaking of research, here’s an online dating pro-tip: Stay away from profiles that have buzz-phrases like… I love to laugh. Really… who doesn’t love to laugh?  I’m a down-to-earth kind of girl. Yeah, gravity will do that to ya. I like going out with friends. No sh*t. I’m looking for a real man. Yeah, all those mannequins dressed up as Joe Manganiello must take up a lot of square footage. Oh, and last one, if they mention drama free or no drama anywhere on their profile, it means they are at the center of it. And we’re talking about a hurricane-rash on Jupiter sized level of drama. Rash’s are contagious. Remember that.

Sooooo, baseball much?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Weekends are great reminders. So are Mondays. Nearly 50 baseball games through the weekend compete with the number of beers you consume. Lots of baseball is awesome. Not working is phenomenal. Monday you pay. The schedule shrivels and shrinks and the empty bottles come looking for penance as you feign typing in your cubicle. Hope you got some rest for Tuesday cuz a full slate of games returns. Opportunity strikes those who shop wisely. Clip your coupons ya’ll cuz it’s time to eat like DraftKings. We got some nice picks for you today. The Stream-O-Nator and HitterTron are fired up. Stacks galore today. Take a looksee and then get your DraftKings account situated. It’s time to make some money.

Unless you’re an actual Draft King you gotta pony some bucks for a pitcher. There’s two hugely advantageous matchups for two of the best pitchers over the past 12 months. Jose Fernandez and Zach Greinke are absolutely killing it right now. My money is on Fernandez to put up the best line tomorrow, but Greinke has done hardly anything wrong this year and he tends to contribute to his own Ws with the bat. $11,600 for Jo-Fer or $11,000 Greinke. Rest of spending is frugal:

Please, blog, may I have some more?