Big Game James went into Milwaukee and clinched at least a 16 win season for the Padres. Clutch!

This was a flashback Shields start – 7 IP, 9 K, 1 BB, 0 HR. I thought the NL would extend his fantasy acehood a little longer – like it did for Jon Lester and his fried chicken and beer buddy, John Lackey – but Shields’ BB and HR rates spiked insanely last year.

The HR rate (a near league-leading 1.47 HR/9 IP) was due to regress a bit (now around 1 HR/9 IP) but his BB rate is still 3.6/9 which relegates him to streaming in shallow leagues and an Ian Kennedy-like SP4/SP5 in 15-team leagues. If he could regain his control, he has a shot at a 3rd act as a KaBoB.

So Grey handed me the roundup keys on a short slate Thursday. I’m so excited. I’m so scared. I’m so tired (I’m shocked Grey hasn’t moved to Hawaii yet so he doesn’t have to write at night). I asked him to return the favor and give me a title and all he came up with was, “Brooke Shields Is Handsome” and “The Shields Start Was RiChiklis”. Oy.

David Price – Did he finally realize it’s not the playoffs? 6.7 IP, 7 baserunners, 1 ER, 12 Ks against the reeling (but still dangerous vs LHP) Astros. Crazy that this guy is 5-1 with a 6.00 ERA but a 2.52 FIP. Maybe Bill James convinced the Red Sox hitters to score more runs for him during his ‘unlucky’ ER streak.

Derek Norris – Left the game after being hit in the left hand by a Jimmy Nelson pitch. If it had been Chuck Norris being hit on by Charles Nelson Reilly, things would’ve ended much differently. I owned him for 2 days…back to the catcher stream! Let’s try some Kevin Plawecki in Coors.

Ryan Zimmerman – Let me get my exasporator to talk about ol’ Zimmy. He’s at 15/3/19 with a .239/.302/.385 yet he’s still owned in 74% of RCL leagues (including my team) Zimmerman only goes one of three ways – hot (see .311 with 11 HRs in only 156 2nd half PA in 2016), cold, or injured. I can’t imagine a better lineup spot than between Harper and Murphy (hence tweet sarcasm) but maybe swapping him and Murphy will get him hot. The only player who may be more streaky is Justin Upton. Ryan Zimmerman is the white Justin Upton. He’s like Justin Midton. If he doesn’t turn it around in the next week or two, I’d be surprised if that ownership rate doesn’t plummet.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4 with a 3-run HR. #3 on the year. Still 2 HR behind Yasmany Tomas. Winner has to change the last letter of his first name. Almost as riveting as the time that 47 active NBA players competed for top Antoine/Antawn/Auntjuan/Ann2wan honors.

Ian Kennedy – The Streamonator likes him some Ian Kennedy but passed on a road start in Yankee Stadium where softball rules don’t apply (ground rule double or out if you hit it over OF fence). Unsurprisingly he gave up 3 HRs (and 7 ER) including a charity HR for Chase Headley and a Russian-aided home run by Castro. Ian….Hurlin’, Bay of Pigs Invasion…IFK (Ian Fuckin’ Kennedy) blown away…what else do I have to do to get that awful song out of my head….

Gary Sanchez – The Yanks finally called up their shiny catcher prospect but no idea how much he’ll play. Maybe they can teach him to play 1B when Teixeira is hurt. He can’t be any worse than Dustin Ackley who emulated Frank Thomas in Michael Pineda’s start by putting the big hurt on him in the 1st inning (whiffed on a ground ball that was charitably called a single, missed a scoop). AL-only play for now but could be stream-worthy if he gets some play vs LHP.

Clayton Kershaw – A 13 K, 3 hit, 1 BB shutout of the Mets @ Chavez Raven Simone for the gentile Sandy Koufax. But 0-for-3 at the plate. Gotta work on that Clayton. Can’t expect the Dodger offense to explode for 5 runs every start.

Kole Calhoun – 2 for 3 with a run and 3 RBIs. Hitting .290 for the season but only 2 HRs. You know the rules. You can stop hitting HRs if you commit to stealing bases. But you gotta bring one or the other and you’re not very fast you lump of Kole so start donging.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 K in a win @ARI. Evidently, Arizona is a lot more tolerable when you’re visiting than when you call it a home (*cough* Greinke *cough*).

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4 in the Boston onslaught with his 29th RBI. How does he have 29 RBIs with 6 HRs and hitting at the bottom of the Sawx lineup? He’s second on the team to David Ortiz who has 30 RBIs. Crazy. I don’t like 8th/9th place hitters who aren’t super-SAGNOF but I’ll make an exception for you Jackie B.

Junior Guerra – The Streamonator somehow ranks his home start today (5/13) as the 2nd best start of the day next to Chris Sale. A few of you have asked me if it’s real. I’m telling you….I don’t know. He’s a rookie and his minor league stats are kind of a mess as he’s started and relieved. If Milwaukee was a pitchers’ park, MAYBE I’d give it a try. But it ain’t so i ain’t.

Ryan Buchter – Fernando Rodney was unavailable after pitching both ends of a doubleheader so the Padres turned over the keys to Ryan Buchter. He’s been really good so far with 23 Ks in 16.2 IP and a 0.54 ERA. That said, he’s walking 1 every 2 innings and he’s bounced around AAA for the past couple years. I still have Brandon Maurer as the ‘cuff but he might be worth a stash in at least NL leagues for now.

Albert Pujols – 2-for-4 with a HR (#7) against his ex-team. Prince Albert’s average is “up” to .194. Prince Fielder is also having a dumpy season. It just has not been a good 2016 for Princes.

Santiago Casilla – He was pulled for LOOGY Javier Lopez after loading the bases with 2 outs in a 1-run game. This on the heals of blowing a 1-run lead two days ago by coughing up a gopher ball to Michael Saunders. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. There’s no fire yet. But where there’s innuendo, there’s smoke. So stop, drop, and stash Hunter Strickland.

Trevor Rosenthal – Came into a game needing to get one out to close out the game. What’d he do? Walk, walk, walk. Kevin Siegrist had to put out the fire. After the game, the team drank some Budweiser and played “Show Me State”. Based on listening in for 10 minutes, you’d swear their 2nd baseman was the most popular guy in the clubhouse.

David Peralta – He’s still out day-to-day with his bad wrist but an MRI said the injury was not too serious. The MRI then talked shit about Jacoby Ellsbury. How many times can I scan one body?

Adam Wainwright – Got the ‘win’ by stranding almost 50% of the 12 baserunners he let on in 5 IP (11 hits, 1 BB, 7 R, 6 ER, 3 Ks). Most pitchers would’ve suffered a loss but he had the right representation talk to the Cardinals offense.