Here’s a scenario: You are the burger flipper manager at your local burger flipping place. Someone comes to you and says Ryan Braun, your best burger flipping employee, is injecting his meat with HGH. That’s why they’re tasting so good, yells one of your other employees. You don’t want to believe Ryan is doing this. His burgers are soooooooo delicious. All of your customers love them. Kowtowing to your other employees and the media, you decide to taste test his burgers. Sadly, they do taste test positive for HGH. You have no solution other than to suspend him. This is gonna hurt business. When, by sheer luck, it turns out your taste testers sampled his burgers after they were delivered to their house from FedEx and the soooooooo delicious burger wasn’t tasted in the restaurant. Ryan’s attorneys rejoice. Ryan says, “I told you my burgers were clean” and you shrug. You’re just glad your best burger flipper can keep making you those soooooooo delicious burgers. Then…THEN someone comes along and says they found a note scribbled in the dumpster that says Ryan is ordering HGH to inject into his soooooooo delicious burgers. You look at that note and say, “Okay, we’ll keep an eye on things,” and go back to serving those soooooooo delicious burgers that everyone likes. Well, damn me and my deliciously Horsey sauce argument about chain of custody and Biogenesis as a ‘consultant.’ There’s no way Ryan Braun is being suspended for this Biogenesis nonsense. It’s ridiculous. Can we move on? Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Hanley Ramirez – He’s out for two months, having thumb surgery. I just went over some Hanley musings yesterday, so I’m not going to rehash those potatoes. Been there, drunkenly wrote that. For those that didn’t heed my warnings to not draft him, I’m sorry it’s turned out this way. A petty man would throw it in your face about how you could’ve drafted any other top 30 player instead of Hanley. Gloating is no fun for me. What joy is there in others’ misfortune? I’d rather watch another man get accidentally hit in the nuts. But this is a close second. Schadenfreude, snitches! This is like America’s Funniest Home Videos for fantasy baseball. Can Bob Saget announce my next draft? Can a cat spin around on a ceiling fan and fall on Bud Selig’s head pulling off his toupee? I need to get my giggle on! On the bright side if you drafted Hanley, you now have a chance to go all Phil Collins on your fantasy league and beat ’em against all odds. “I like my odds the same as I like my pancakes — stacked against me.” That’s you, sitting in traffic, talking to yourself. You’re weird. For Hanley, I’ve updated the top 400 for 2013 fantasy baseball.
Dee Gordon – Every action has an equal, opposite reaction. And that’s me thinking I quoted something correctly from high school! I’m sorry, I’m still excited about Hanley, buzzing around my room like Alex P. Keaton on speed. Can’t every guy I don’t draft get hurt? Please. The big annoyance here is we didn’t get to April so everyone else had a chance to draft Hanley (and Te(i)x, Granderson, Headley, etc.). Alas, there will still be people drafting Konerko off his good spring (pfft). I bumped up Gordon in the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball. I didn’t change a whole lot on his projections. The Dodgers have said Luis Cruz will man short with Uribe at 3rd. Anyone familiar with either of those guys knows they are nothing special. I think Gordon now has a chance to contribute. He’s by no means a lock for playing time. He’s a flyer at the end of your draft for steals.
Scott Rolen – The Dodgers said they have no interest in Rolen. And I have no interest in manscaping. Glad that’s all out there now.
Aroldis Chapman – The Cincinnati Enquirer says he will be the Reds closer. Dusty says he wants him as the Reds closer. Aroldis says he wants to be the Reds closer. Banksy spraypainted Aroldis on a wall peeing on hitters in the 9th inning. Yet, the Reds say there’s no decision yet. Oh-kay. I updated the top 400 for Aroldis, too. You know, just in case Banksy’s right.
Trevor Bauer – Sent to Triple-A Columbus. Bauer will still be doing warm-up tosses to Cleveland.
David Wright – Will be ready for the opener. Good news for you Correct owners. Damn, overusing the thesaurus again.
Johan Santana – Another guy I wouldn’t have drafted anywhere will start the year on the DL. Next year, I’m drafting all of my teams in March of the previous year. Wait, that’s now. Hmm, I’m confused; I need a nap. *clapping hands* I’m back!
Robbie Ross – For those hoping for some sleeper value from Ross, gonna have to wait a bit longer. The Rangers are moving him to the bullpen. Their fifth starter job will be a battle between Randy Wells, Nick Tepesch, Derek Lowe and Justin Grimm. Grimm, indeed.
Kyle Lohse – The Decision II might be moving to Colorado. The Rockies are now in the mix to land this not commodity.
Edgar Renteria – Retired yesterday. In honor of his retirement, we go into the Razzball archives for this blurb from two years ago, “The Reds called up Cozart, realizing they didn’t need to go to the free clinic to rid themselves of their bad case of the Renterias.” Fare thee well, Edgar. May people continue to mistake your last name for an STD.
Stephen Drew – Was cleared for baseball activities. You know, like spitting and scratching himself. What’s his over/under for games played this year? 70? Anyone taking action on the over? C’mon, it’s fake money betting on fantasy baseball, you scurred?
Brad Peacock – Strong candidate for the Astros’ final rotation spot. Everyone knows how much I love Peacock (last year), so there’s no reason to repeat myself (this year). If you Google “Brad Peacock sleeper” or “Why is Grey so effin’ stupid?” You’ll find plenty of results. Since he’s now on the Astros and he lost all semblance of control in Triple-A last year, I’m tentative to grab him outside of AL-Only leagues. If he makes the rotation and pitches well in April, that will change. Stay tuned. Or not. Your choices.
Juan Francisco – I posited that if Juan Francisco won the Braves 3rd base job, he’d have sleeper value. I also posited if Chris Johnson were to win the job, he’d have value. I was spreading my love around like butter on a hot bagel. Well, as Lenny Sands would write in Hush-Hush, the position positing produced a paltry payoff; it’s a platoon. Johnson and Francisco + separately = fantasy value. Together = Meryl Streep’s shoulders. Damn! I thought my math was gonna work there. Together was supposed to equal no fantasy value.
Grant Balfour – Ready to go for Opening Day. Let’s play Bal..four! *cue Rosco P. Coltrane laugh*
Derek Jeter – Now saying he may still be ready for the start of the season. Otherwise, the Yankee opening day infield will be known as Cano and no one else Youknow. The Yankee bleacher bums are going to have to yell, “Um, you on first….eh, fahgettaboudit.”