You know those nights when after a night of drinking and you come home ready to tear into anything you have, only you open the pantry and there’s a half used box of pasta, some capers and oatmeal. Then you go to the fridge and there’s some mustard, 2 week old leftovers you forgot to throw out and something wrapped in tin foil, which even though shows promise turns out not to be that delicious piece of chicken you had yesterday, but rather some sort of substance you can’t identify, but looks a little too liquidy to be food. That’s this slate.

On to the picks…

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PITCHERS

David Price, SP: $8,400 – When David Price is the least bad option, you know it’s a bonkers bad slate.

HITTERS

Paul Goldschmidt, 1B: $4,500 – Paul Goldschmidt is batting .477/.558/1.000 in the month of June. His ISO is .523. His wOBA is .630 and his wRC+ is 309. Yes, it is an 11 game sample. But it’s still absurd. Normally I would then say “but let’s look at a real sample size for some actual analysis”, but today, nope. Since there’s pretty much no play that’s even remotely “good” or “juicy”, then pretty much any reason to play a guy is a solid reason. Heck, I’m sure I can come up with a lot dumber reasons to play a guy than “He’s been putting up slow pitch softball numbers for 11 games.” Don’t believe me? Keep reading.

Jake “Don’t Call Me Jack” Bauers, 1B: $3,200 – I just love this nickname so much that I wanted to put him in his own section. You can play him, he’s facing a mediocre righty. The only other Bauers in MLB history was Russ Bauers, a pitcher who pitched for the Pirates, Cubs and Browns. He stopped playing in 1950, so don’t play him.

Aaron Judge, OF: $4,600 & Giancarlo Stanton, OF: $4,200 – Both of these guys mash lefties and get to face a lefty today. But, did you know that Andrelton Simmons has a 142 wRC+ this year? That’s insane. I’d reckon that Simmons’ wRC+ is the most insane thing so far this year, but Daniel Descalso has a 135 wRC+ while hitting baseballs that have been stored in a humidor to suppress exit velocity.

Freddie Freeman, 1B: $4,800 – Freeman keeps on rolling along and has a 172 wRC+ this year and he’s facing a righty.

Mets Lefties – I’m still a fan of sample size and Matt Koch is bad and the Mets lefties (Michael Conforto, Brandon Nimmo, Asdrubal Cabrera) are not (in theory, at least). Of course they may be hurt, and that’s why this is not gambling. This is also unfortunately in Arizona, where we have a humidor. I quite dislike anything that depresses offense, in fact, I take the totally defensible position that you’re a terrible person if you like pitchers duels (note: I don’t think you’re a terrible person if you like a pitching duel, I just want to know what damage was done to you as a child that makes you want to watch no runs being scored).

Andrew Benintendi, OF: $4,900 – Since May 1, Andrew Benintendi has hit .331/.403/.656. That’s pretty good, but it’s also worse than Mike Trout’s season. Newsflash: Mike Trout is good.

Xander Bogaerts, SS: $4,300 – Is anyone else confused by the type of hitter Bogaerts has been in his Major League career vs his Minor League career? Coming up in the Minors, he walked and hit the ball super hard as he looked like a clone of Mike Schmidt. Then he came up and played in the postseason in 2013 and still looked like someone who is going to walk and hit for a lot of power. Then he played an entire season in 2014 and didn’t walk and didn’t hit for any power and most confusingly, didn’t actually try to hit the ball hard. He continued to be that player up until this year, where he’s finally hitting the ball harder than league average and actually is well above average. His career path is just so odd. Anyway, if you want to play him you can, he’s too expensive for my tastes.

Ozzie Albies, 2B: $4,400 – Normally, I would never dream of recommending a $4,400 player based on the fact that he’s facing a pitcher (Tyson Ross) who is amongst the league’s worst at holding runners on – Razz’s stolen base metrics have him as the second worst in all of baseball (Thor is the worst, for those who are curious). I’m perfectly fine trying to hunt for steals with a punt, but for one of the most expensive players on the slate? You’d have to be a lunatic to do that. But you’d have to be a lunatic to play this slate. And it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for. Turn out the light. Don’t try to save me.

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

There is no rain, no weather truthing, only Arizona’s humidor.

Doing Lines In Vegas

8.5 for the Padres and Braves looks high. Ross and Sanchez aren’t dumpster fires out there and the Braves offense isn’t that good and the Padres offense needs some help in the form of peak Barry Bonds to get to below average.