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Those weren’t tears of sadness, bro. I’m a straight hater of the Craptain – the realest you’ll ever know. Every time I take a dump, all that’s heard is, “number two, Derek Jeter, number two.”

The love fest during the ASG was unbearable, and I was screaming for it to end, waterboarding style. That being said, ding dong the break is dead! Thank Zod! I watched an actual network show with human actors in it yesterday … terrible! Then I picked up a book … and threw it at the TV because it was so … terrible! Oh, how I sorely missed drinking beers (OK, still did that), streaming baseball on my deck, and sweating DFS rosters alongside my fellow degenerates (that’s you).

Have no fear, my friends. Our time hath cometh again. It’s my honor to kick-off the second half of MLB DraftKings action here at Razzball, home of Stream-o-Nator, Hitter-Tron, DFSBot, and the Ombatsman. Check those fabulous F’ers out – they were built by science and love of sport.

Now, let’s play ball … again.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 person matchup of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

Ian Kennedy, SP: $8,600 – The Mets/Padres series is the East Coast/West Coast equivalent of Tupac and Biggie shooting each other with squirt guns. There will be some nice pitching options when the residents of Metco grace the field at Petco, though. No option appears nicer than Kennedy, who averaged 27.4 DK points over his last three starts, one of which came at Coors Field, where he spun seven sticky-icky innings of four-hit ball (one ER with nine K). No offense Mets fans, but the Mets have no offense. I love me some Kennedy more than Marilyn Monroe.

Jeff Samardzija, SP: $8,600 – On July 5, Samardzija’s hair finally grew to Oakland’s required/desired length, and the A’s pulled the trigger on a deal that made them serious contenders. Brad Pitt is a boss! The move from the NL hurts Samar … uhh let’s just call him Jeff. The move from the NL hurts Jeff’s value in the long term, but I like him at home against the Orioles. Do they have lethal lumber? Yes. But Baltimore has never seen Jeff, who has given up just four ER in 31 IP versus AL teams this season.

Travis d’Arnaud, C: $2,600 – Yeah, I just recommended Kennedy against the hapless Mets, but at this price, all you need is a lone hit for d’Arnaud to meet value. Well, lately, d’Arnaud’s got mad hits like he was Rod Carew, registering at least one in 14 of his last 16 starts. He could be pin one inside the two-yard line here, if you know what I mean.

Jose Abreu, 1B: $5,200 – It was messed up that Tony Gwynn received no mention during the ASG, but I’m almost equally upset about Abreu’s omission from the HR Derby. He’s sung the dong song in one of every 12 plate appearances so far, which pretty much means he has a 33.33% chance of going yard. It’s almost to the point where I roster him on the regular.

Kyle Seager, 2B/3B: $4,400 – He resembles a handsomer Sloth, but don’t let those good looks fool you; Seager possesses the same brute strength as Chunk’s loving protector. That’s probably a stretch, but confidence is warranted when you can sneak a power-hitting corner-bagger into your 2B slot … talk about a glitch in the DFS matrix. I’m on this play (in this price range) every time Seattle faces RHP, and I ain’t scared of no Jered Weaver.

Enrique Hernandez, 2B/SS: $2,500 – Unless you splurge on Troy Tulowitzki, consider it 4th & 99 when it comes to picking a SS this season. Yes, that’s another slick punting reference. I like my players to drop dongs, and only one other SS outside Tulo has 15+ HR (Ian Desmond – 16). Blech. Hernandez is unproven, but he’s hit over .330 across the minors this year and has held his own in the show (.372 wOBA in 12 games). Bonus: he’s also on the right side of the platoon versus Jose Quintana, and there are legs in play.

Mike Moustakas, 3B: $3,500 – The .192 AVG is scarier than fire-breathing herpes, but for what it’s worth, Moose is hitting far better on the road this season. He’s also strong as a moose (they are strong, right?) and will tee-off against the creepy-looking Clay Buchholz; the not-so-proud owner of a 6.39 ERA and 1.74 HR/9 in Fenway. Kansas City is a sneaky stack.

Andrew McCutchen, OF: $5,800 – I recommend ball till you fall on OF1. McCutch at home versus LHP: 1.395 OPS / .526 ISO / .569 wOBA. Holy flerking schnit, those are video game numbers from platforms that only exist on distant planets.

Brandon Moss, 1B/OF: $4,400 – The price range is back in a happy place, and after homering in each of the last two games (before the break), it appears Moss is feeling good after a nagging ankle injury sapped his production for a couple weeks. Moss Man looks legit with Chris Tillman on the mound, who sucks on the road like some sort of nomadic prostitute with artificial lungs made of vacuum parts (5.20 ERA and 1.30 HR/9). Tillman also owns a 5.01 xFIP when facing left-handed batters, so yeah, we’re done.

Bryce Harper, OF: $4,300 – There will be no statistical support. I just think Harper is in for a huge second half, and he’s going to hit a HR tonight. To be honest, I’ll switch out Harper for Alex Gordon ($4,200) if he plays (wrist). Gordon is 4-for-8 (with two HR) against Buchholz, and did somebody say Royals stack earlier?

I’m Only Happy When It Rains

There is a small chance of rain for PHI/ATL, but other than that, the baseball gods are smiling. They’re peaking, man!

Doing Lines in Vegas (6-11-1 overall)

McCutchen might hit the over by himself in COL/PIT (7.5), and I see some scoring in KC/BOS, so I’ll take the over (8.5). Over and out.

  1. costaricanchata says:

    almost left a comment , yesterday , when i saw that no one responded to your article .

    • BTXJ

      BTXJ says:

      @costaricanchata: i wish u did, i lost a shitload of sleep over it. thx for reading

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