Greetings! How’s your week going? Swimmingly, I pray. How’s mine? First off, thanks for asking, for it’s much appreciated. I have a 88-year-old Grandmother with a severe alzheimer’s and a broken hip, so things could certainly be better. That’s without mentioning what is seemingly a wasted season for Corey Dickerson and sliding in at dead last in one my RCL leagues. Ahhhhh, the Elder Gods have decided among themselves to test me this week, seeing if I will wilt and ball up like a baby as if I were Lindsay Lohan after her coke dealer began screening her calls. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s a artist. And I WILL NOT stop pouring out my heart and soul into this Razzballian scripture, not until my final breath. With that being said, I’m exhausted, so let’s move along shall we.
I am Tehol Beddict, and this is, DISGRACE/DELIGHT! TAKE HEED!
Players who have Delighted:
Josh Harrison – Did you drop Josh Harrison when he was colder than a polar bears balls, only to have your arch nemesis swoop him up a week ago, and manically cackling at you ever since? Whoopsie! Wow, that stings worse than being forced to cut your urine flow off mid stream after you fill up the Starbucks cup you have in your car during heavy traffic. Been there. Not a pretty sight. Neither is this, and I do feel for you. Say one thing for Beddict, he’s a lover. What’s Jo-Ha done this past week you ask? Oh, only hitting for a ho-hum .538 BA, with 6 runs scored, 4 doubles, and a yack. I’m sure the waiver wire scum you replaced him with is doing just fine though… about as fine as Christian Slater’s acting career. It huuuuuuuuurts!
Jung-Ho Kang – We all recall Beddict’s preseason sleeper list, containing the phenomenal Mr. Ho. Many of you believed the other fantasy analysts were going to laugh at me, shaming me into retirement, requesting my head on a stick and my testes in a jar, and a very small jar at that. Kang’s slow start was worrisome to say the least, but as of late, he’s come on hotter than a fresh pile of mastodon dung. He’s batting .350 over the past week and I’d expect some serious dongage in his immediate future. It’s a Kang-thang, beatches.
Will Venable – Just kidding.
Yasmany Tomas – Oooooh, Beddict loves him some Cuban beef cakes, and Tomas is rounding nicely into form, right when we needed him most. Of course, the power is lacking, which is disappointing, but it shall come, and come hard….pause. This behemoth checks in at 6’2″ and 240 pounds of pure chocolate and I fully expect the bombs to start reigning down upon us like a plague of locusts. Of course, I’m willing to let the lack of power slide if Tomas continues to hit .556 as he has this past week. We are all witnesses. Hog life.
Mad Max: Fury Road – Honestly, I was expecting to find some flaws here— possibly a Waterwold of the desert. Don’t get me wrong, I loved a gill having Costner roam the seas with that MILF as much as the next man, but we can all agree it was a let down to some extent. Other than a lack of Tom Hardy dialogue, I truly have ZERO complaints regarding this instant classic. A non-stop, action packed, thrill ride of the likes we’ve seen has just been released and it was beat down at the box office… by Pitch Perfect 2… How could the men of this wonderful country allow this atrocity to occur on our watch? If you plan on voting for Hillary, don’t answer that. Anyway, I’m on my knees, begging you to go witness this stunning piece of art, preferably in IMAX. My goodmen, when have I ever steered you wrong? [Jay’s Note: Coming from a die hard fan of the first two, I can safely say this was probably the best action movie in the last 10 years. Yes, even better than John Wick.]
Players who Disgraced:
Taijuan Walker – If I was able to clear my head and accurately describe the peasantry of which Walker has displayed in 2015, I’d be a New York Times bestseller. The man formerly known as “Sky Walker” has been peonic beyond measure, as one can be slapped and challenged to a duel in the streets of Seattle for comparing him to a Jedi-Knight. It saddens me to know end, for Seattle has had opportunities to trade Walker, arguably the top prospect in the game, for David Price or Justin Upton. I understand that young pitchers are going to struggle from time to time, but Walker has shown almost ZERO positive signs thus far. The fact that he couldn’t hit 92 on the radar gun in his last start is troubling and rarely have I witnessed a more hittable pitcher. Have I mentioned his WHIP is higher than Snoop Dogg during Thanksgiving feast? One more start like Monday’s in Baltimore and Walker will be sent to the minor leagues or sent to DL with arm fatigue. I swear it on the souls of the Elders. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Corey Dickerson – I haven’t had my soul obliterated like this since I was turned down for the Calvin Klein thong internet catalogue in 2012. One difference though: I should have pushed myself harder during my hour long squat thrust sessions. Dickerson’s injury is obviously not his fault, purely a curse from the Elder Gods. It certainly stings those among us who drafted C-Dick in the 3rd or 4th round, as we clearly have no clue what he brings to the table for the remainder of 2015. I’m assuming he steals zero bags and goes on and off the DL a few more times. Shizz, they may even shut him down for the season, as Dickerson himself has clearly stated, he doesn’t foresee this problem going away the entire season. Woe is us, us who worshipped Dick (Pause) for the God he is, to witness him hammering opposing pitchers like they were a groupie in Justin Bieber’s trailer, only go down in a heap like Achilles when Legolas sniped the seemingly invincible man with an arrow to the heel. Hence the term: Achilles heal… You learn something new everyday here, or wait, did you guys/gals know that already?
Mookie Betts – Dookie nearly made this list two weeks back, but hit two bombs during my writing night. It’s as if the Elder’s sent a spirit talker to let him know Beddict was writing scripture regarding his failures that would be passed down from generation to generations for thousands of years. Well, Betts has become too comfortable, and now he must pay the piper, and Beddict plays the pipes better than Lisa Ann and Alexis combined. Dook has hit a paltry .143 over the last seven days before Wednesday’s 2-for-5 game, with ZERO doubles, ZERO triples, ZERO Homers, ZERO walks, ZERO steals, and ONE RBI. I meeeeean, how is that even possible bruh? You been taking pointers Xander Bogaerts and Jackie Bradley Jr. again? The Elders frown upon peasantry, and right now, my goodman, you define the term to perfection. Boston fans have grown to expect less out of you then we do those straight-to-On Demand PPV movies that star some washed up Hollywood icon, expecting that it’s enough to squeeze 8.99 out of us. Trick please! Get your mind right or I’ll see you again next week, same time, same place. Only it will a Game of Thrones type spanking, and I’m not writing of the playful bottom slapping Ser Loras loves, no, certainly not. What I write of, is a medieval, ruthless, no holds barred, obliteration of your soul, one that you little chance of recovering from. So take heed, Mookie, for you once showed so much promise. I would hate for your career to end here, in the pages of Beddict the Elder Chosen.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. As per usual, your comments and questions will be responded to below with haste, so please do not hesitate to summon me. Again, I’ve been running around all week, dealing with a few tragedies, so please excuse me if I was not on my A game this week. I promise to return to you next week, with the hunger and rage of 1000 rabid Direwolves. Enjoy the rest of your week, my goodmen.
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Tehol143. WITNESS!