Versace’d up from my thong to my neck

Pootie tang with the belt game show some respect.

Greetings! I’m blessed to still be employed by Razzball, going at it like a horny jack rabbit, and it’s a beautiful week to be alive! Unless, of course, you live on the upper east coast, for that looks absolutely hellacious. May the Elder Gods bless you with dry firewood, hot toddies a plentiful, and a bounty of desperate hookers/gigolos working at half price.  We’ve finally arrived at the always intriguing OF position, and I for one am ecstatic! In fact, I haven’t been this titilated since Clint Eastwood took his shirt off in The Bridges of Madison County!  There’s no time to waste!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight!! Take Heed!

 

Outfielders that will Delight 

Bryce Harper – B. Harp is known to go deeper than a sperm whale (shout out to Moby Dick), whom was just rectally injected (it works faster that way) with six gallons of liquid Cialis. I’m assuming you’ve all witnessed what a healthy Harper is capable of; he posted a .361 wOBA and a 131 wRC+ in the second-half last season, as well as showcasing a Conan the Barbarian-like ability of being able to miraculously take over games (going 5-for-17 with 3 home runs and 4 RBI in four games against the Giants in the playoffs last season).

My boys over at Numberfire have this Elder God blessed prince projected at 26 dongs, 80 RBI, and a .278 batting average, which all add up to Harper being a top-20 overall player next season. Of course, I have Harper outdoing those numbers, raking in over thirty and one hunnid. Yes, this is what’s now known as, “Beddalytic”, where we analyze all of the statistics and what the numbers geeks say they’re going to do, but also incorporate talent level, age, and the Elder Gods’s opinions. In this case, Harper has as much natural talent as anyone we’ve ever witnessed, and that includes O.J. Simpson, River Phoenix, and Chris Farley (RIP to tha legends). Would any one of you be astounded if Bryce Harper hit 40 home runs next season, his 4th in the big leagues? Yes? Oh, did you forget he hit 22 as a 19 year old? Pick up a tack hammer, slam it into your cranium, and wake the ef up! If Harper plays in 140 plus games, he’s hitting 30 plus jacks, period. B. Nasty is going in the 2nd round of every draft I’ve viewed thus far, and there’s a very simple reason for it; He’s a top-20 player if he just stays healthy, but he’s a top-5 player if he plays up to his massive capabilities. Beddalytics rarely prove to be inaccurate on these things. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s an analyzer.

Domonic Brown Grey has him ranked as the 56th overall outfielder which is 36 ( I had to use my calculator on that) spots higher than ESPN, who has him at 93. That’s a gap wider and stankier than Khloe Kardashian’s nether region. Yea, that’s like filling the grand canyon with a mix of hot dog water and the human waste coming out of Rosie O’Donnell’s lake cabin. How dare ESPN disrespect Domonic the destroyer by ranking him beneath peasants like Jon Jay, David Peralta, and Scott Van Slyke!

I’d be upset with Grey for ranking him as low as he did if not for the fact that he’s the Godfather of Razzball and the unborn child I plan to place inside Miley Cyrus’s belly. Eons before I was writing for Razzball, Grey and Rudy were the ONLY fantasy writers I trusted, as they’re unrivaled when it comes to mixing fantasy baseball knowledge with columns I actually want to read in their entirety without having to switch to porn three times. With that being said, ANYONE else who hates upon young Domonic can lick deez like they’re a pair of everlasting gobstoppers.

Anyone who’s brain isn’t totally cluttered with bong water residue remembers when Dom put up the solid stat line of 272/.324/.494 with 27 home runs, 65 runs scored, 83 RBI and 8 stolen bases in 540 plate appearances in 2013. Last season, of course, was a different tale altogether as tha kid slumped to levels so low even Christian Slater felt like a winner witnessing Dom struggle at the plate. The pain and suffering Domonic hitting just .235-.285-.349 with 10 home runs, 47 runs scored, 63 RBI and 7 stolen bases in 512 plate appearances caused me is beyond even my capabilities as a celebrated wordsmith. I lost a piece of my soul when witnessing Dom’s HR/FB drop from 13.6% to a bottom feeding 6.3%, and the drop in BAPIB ( From .289 to .269) didn’t help either. One thing’s for certain: That level of ineptitude shall never be repeated by Brown as both Charlie Manuel and the legendary Mike Schmidt are working on getting his swing back in order. And that’s just playing a game called “Just the tip”. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?

Listen to me very closely; Domonic Brown is 27 years old. Domonic Brown is 6’5″ and 230 pounds of chiseled manliness. Domonic Brown was once the number one prospect in baseball for a reason. Domonic Brown has already been an all-star once at the Major League level and he will be again. I already KNOW that he’s going to regain his All-star form at some point but I know some of you guys like numbers to back those assumptions up. Take a glance at my girl, Corrine Landrey’s article, over at CrashburnAlley.com, where Dom compares favorably to players such as Edwin Encarnacion, Jose Bautista and Albert Pujols. Look, Edwin and Bautista didn’t figure it out until their age 29 seasons and never had anywhere near the hype of Domonic Brown, making the Brown hate even more perplexing. To say that Brown is finished or will never be a star player is simply irresponsible verbiage, and I shan’t accept it any longer. Next time I come for you, I’m gonna want some cocktail, FRUIT!!!

 

Christian Yelich – This young stallion gets me more excited than a The Golden Girls marathon, which is almost impossible to do. Someone tell me Estelle Getty wasn’t an absolute hoot and I’ll pistol whip you like Caine did Chauncey in Menace to Society.

Yelich has been hitting the weight room harder than LaRon Landry, and I fully expect him to at LEAST double last year’s run total. I believe CY ends up in the 3-hole, right in front of Giancarlo AKA the Elder Gods’s favorite son, and behind newcomers Dee Gordon and Martin Prado, and I believe he rakes. On ESPN, Yelich is ranked behind players like Coco Crisp (no disrespect),  Denard Span  (no disrespect), and A.J. Pollack (disrespect), which is absolutely ridiculous. I’ll bet ten grand against bedding your significant other that Yelich outproduces each of those players in 2015. IF HEALTHY, of course. Does your partner want your sex life to be exciting and erotic like in, 50 Shades of Grey, yet can’t even handle a finger in the yin-yang? Once I’m done with their “training session”, you’ll never have this issue again…I’m dead serious about this bet.

Jon Jay – Just kidding

Beddict on Music…..

The Beast is G-Unit – Whether I’m getting my swole on at the gym, brainstorming for Razzball columns, waxing bootay, or  sending out classic tweets, G-Unit is what’s predominately playing through my headphones, car, or in home theatre system. This may have something to do with my neighbors believing I’m either a former professional athlete or a rap star, but who can know for sure? The last two 6-track G-Unit EP’s have thoroughly surpassed my expectations and I thank the Elder Gods every day for sending me something other than Drake and Big Sean to listen to. Sorry my fellow snowflakes, Pearl Jam just doesn’t do it for me, but if you’re all about butt rock, you’re still down with Beddict. All I know is that if there was no Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, Tony Yayo, or 50 Cent, there might not be a Tehol Beddict (For better or for worse). Buy this ish NOW!!! Here’s one of my all time fave G Unit tracks.

 

 Outfielders that will Disgrace

Nelson Cruz – This could get nastier than a film studio making a movie about Gérard Depardieu and his sex addictions. Oh wait, this is actually happening. Many of you who are looking forward to seeing countless ass shots from Depardieu might also be expecting another 30-plus homer season from Nelson Cruz. Let me guess, you live in Seattle!!! Hey, so do I! Let’s meet up and I’ll smack you over the noggin with some ActRight! It’s almost obligatory for fantasy baseball writers to put Cruz in their bust sections; He’s 34 years old. He’s been caught placing needles in his butt cheeks. He fell off like a bad bag of dope after the all-star break last season. Etc., etc., etc. Yeah, we get it. I actually believe Cruz will have a solid season, and not brick like anything that Jeff Bridges has been a part of since 2010. BUT, that means hitting 23-28 homers, with 80 or so RBIs and a .245 average, which Mariners fans will gladly take, not totally falling off a cliff. Cruz is an easy target when forced to select bust candidates and some would even call it a cop-out to put him here because everybody else is…Le’ts just move on. By the way, the Mariners are winning the World Series. Witness!

Michael Brantley –  In 2014, a 27-year-old Brantley crushed baseballs like Billy Bob Thornton crushed Halle Berry’s nani in Monster’s Ball, setting career highs across the board. With a BABIP .23 points higher than any point in his career (other than a short stint in 2009), Brantley set the world on fire and is now firmly entrenched as a 2nd or 3rd round pick. Why won’t Beddict be drafting him there?  I expect regression in average, homers, and RBI. Obviously I still like the player to a degree, I’m just not going to be the guy taking the gamble on him. It’s like Hollywood studio execs going all in with the Avatar dude (Sam Worthington) and him serving up more bricks than a Columbian drug lord. I simply need to see more out of Brantley before committing such a high pick towards him. The guydoubled up his previous career high in homers, and to me, that smells like Joe Mauer or Jacoby Ellsbury all over again.

 

Thank you for traveling with me on this journey that is, disgrace/delight. I feel a stronger connection with you with each passing week. As per usual  your comments and questions will be responded to below so please feel free to drop me a line. They say I’m the future and am a star in the making but I refuse to get my hopes up. You have to be realistic about these things, after all. I hope to see you back next week, ready to suck in my advice like a chunky chick at the beach. Until then.

 
  1. chris says:
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    Nice write-up. Question about my last keeper in a 10 team h2h points league. I’ve been set on keeping Hunter Pence but with the injury I’m thinking about keeping Marte instead. Pence basically fractured his left forearm so I’m thinking that not only can he not play for the next several weeks but he can’t train either so when he does come back he’ll be way behind. Just seems like an injury that could effect him all year. I know it’s a long year, am I over thinking it or would you still rather have Pence.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @chris: I’m all about Martel bouncing back this year, big dog. I like where your head is at. Also he younger with more upside and keeper league. Easy call for me. Keep puuuuuuushin

  2. Wallpaper Paterson says:
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    I never graduated from CDs. What do you play these iTunes on?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wallpaper Paterson: on phone at gym or cord in car connected to it. New cars have full Bluetooth streaming but u can have installed in any vehicle. Buy the hard copy cuzzz

      • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: I have Bluetooth in car and don’t even use it.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Wallpaper Paterson: got to get with the time big dog. We gettin old

          • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: I would in the future if I get with no CD player. I hate the idea of having to repurchase my music. A generation ago there were people like me who had tons of cassettes and took a long time before they moved to CDs.

            Before that it was 8 track people holding on years after cassettes came out.

            • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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              @Wallpaper Paterson: ahhh, left out a phrase above.

              Meant down the road when new cars do not come with CD players

              • Tehol Beddict says:
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                @Wallpaper Paterson: I believe you can import your cd’s on to iTunes, correct? so that you don’t have to repurchase them??? or maybe not I’m not sure.

                Im that way with DVD. i was into building a collection on regular and then BLu Ray but I know something else will come out better so its dumb to buy them. ughhhh

                • Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo says:
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                  @Tehol Beddict: you can most certainly put any/all CD’s on itunes, and you can also find other methods of obtaining new music. Ask some people about how much they’ve paid for music in say the last 10-12 years.

                  • Tehol Beddict says:
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                    @Joey Jo Jo Jr Shabadoo: I haven’t paid for any album other than g unit artists in 10 years. Piratebay

    • Blue says:
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      @Wallpaper Paterson: Burn them and host them for free on Google Music. That’s where my 300+ CD collection now resides.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Blue: Blue, you’re my boy!!! I’m coming for your collection. not literally

  3. Wallpaper Paterson says:
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    Do you like auctions or snake drafts for keeper leagues? And what are the best keeping methods for each style of player procurement?

    To keep it simple, I was thinking of having an auction league where owners just keep four guys each offseason. Players could be kept for 2 or 3 years and then must be sent back. No long term contracts or salary inflation. Does this sound good or is there a better way?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wallpaper Paterson: I meeeeeean, auctions are probably preferable way to do keepers so that u may ensure u get the guys u really want since ur attached. I don’t mind the no salary inflation but I wouldn’t want to give one of my hogs back in couple years especially if I hit on a young stud

  4. Connor says:
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    First of all, twitter brought me here, and this is an awesome write up. Second, any thoughts on Yasmany Thomas this year?

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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      @Connor: Would draft.

      Think 20 homers and 86 runs batted in, .270 average is realistic.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Connor: Conn-dog!!! glad you could make it my friend. I love Tomas and am targeting him everywhere as he’s ranked real low on espn so he’s sliding through the cracks. power is real so i could see over 25 bombs and solid RBI’s tho semi concerned with average. interested to see how he does this spring. thanks for checking in

  5. Hmm says:
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    Beddict, awesome write up. Agree 100 on the dombrown call…he’s a solid ticket. Not only do i believe in him for sneaky production, also see Wil Myers.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Hmm: BOOM!!! A domonic supporter. it feels good doesnt it? Hmmmmmmm, you’re a legend and I appreciate your presence here. I’ve always been a big Will Myers fan. don’t love knew ballpark but I expect he shall produce. thanks for checking in

  6. The Duchess says:
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    I thought I’d write a nice little comment (since this is my ’15 debut commenting) but I can’t. Not after you wasted more than half your post on Bryce Harper and freaking Domonic Brown. I knew both would be in here somewhere but seriously?! This was lazy- I hope none of you new Razzball readers take his advice here and I’ll tell you why… other than targeting Yelich who is going to be a total stud in the revamped Marlins lineup…
    I took dear old Bryce last year in the FIRST round (completely idiotic move) but one that TEHOL strongly advised. I then spent rest of the season trying to give him away…. I’ll never own him again. I don’t disagree that he’s a extremely talented young player but he doesn’t get along with his manager so you’ll never know where he’s batting (7th hole just doesn’t cut it for me) and he’s reckless. That whole “I’ll run the bases like an asshole” to shove it in William’s face thing, which resulted in that thumb injury where he missed large part of last season was enough for me. Go ahead and win the MVP Bryce & god bless the fantasy owner who wants you.
    Tehol must not watch a lot of live baseball, seeing that he lives on the wrong coast, but I had the pleasure of watching Domonic Brown and the pathetic Phillies (whom my undergrad alma mater, the University of Tampa beat in their first spring training game a few days ago- go Spartans! don’t forget Tampa is D2… although the #1 D2 baseball tm in country) Dom plays a really shitty RF- he prefers to watch balls fall in fair rather than run and try to catch them. If he doesn’t quickly figure out how to hit (because his .235 average, .285 OBP and whopping 10 HRs from last season really get my panties wet…) he’s not going to be starting. I know you have a man crush but good lord, go get your eyes checked love. Kemp is still studly looking and the Padres colors complement his eyes well, and Giancarlo is just a living work of art. Crush on them…they can even hit.

    Don’t worry newbie Razzball readers- Tehol is usually on point with these Disgrace/Delight posts…but it can’t really get any worse (unless Yu and Cliff Lee are his SP Disgraces next wk…?) so keep reading.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Duchess: My sweet Duchess. It’s an honor to have you back tho it pains me to see you this upset. Even after Harper went through that disgraceful period last season he’s still going in the 2nd round so it’s not like I was that far off. This is his year, I can feel it in my balls.

      Your doubt for Domonic is also hurtful. He is extremely dear to my heart. we all know what he did last season. why didnt u mention the season before when he set the world on fire. Stanton is my favorite player but we already knew he’d go off so no need to put him on the list.

      I believe you meant putting Yu Darvish and Cliff Lee in the “Delight” section. Ughhhh I probably would have considering I already drafted Yu twice. OMG FML. talk soon babe

    • Jollyroger says:
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      @The Duchess: Duchess, at the end of the day it’s YOUR decision on who YOU draft. These writers are here to offer advice and provide entertainment. Quit acting like a douche bag just because the players you drafted didn’t work out.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Jollyroger: she just a lil bitter. Don’t be mad at her Jolly. That’s Bae ????

      • The Duchess says:
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        @Jollyroger:
        Jolly I am SO glad you clarified that for me. Although taking Harper in the first last year was an EPIC mistake on my part, I draft so well that it didn’t matter. I’ve never owned Domonic Brown- never will, but if you do then well perhaps you should really be studying all of these posts, since you clearly need Tehol’s expert tutoring…
        Admirable of you to rush to Tehol’s defense here, I know he’s practically McDreamy. But he doesn’t swing that way, only my way…. because I’m not a douchebag I’m a bitch.
        Best of luck to you this season Jolly!

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @The Duchess: I love it when u talk dirty baby yeeeeea. ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  7. tdod says:
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    Roto— I need one of these,, $2 Melky,$2 Yelich,$20 Kemp… Please help, TIA

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @tdod: did you read the post, lil homie!!! YELICHHHHHHHH

  8. Nick says:
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    Outstanding stuff, Tehol! Looking at you mixing in some statistical analysis. Say one thing for Tehol, he listens to his readers. I like that you’re sticking to your guns with Harper and Brown, even if I don’t completely agree with you. Maybe you were just a year early with both of them last year. Anyway, any writer can move on to the next new shiny thing, but few have the cohones to stay loyal. You, good sir, have the cohones. May the Elder Gods bless you ten-thousand fold!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Nick: Thank you, Saint Nicholas. you are truly too kind. its not a question of if but WHEN these hogs break out. Barring injury Harper is basically a lock. Im counting on Domonic eventually to figure it out again, hopefully this season

  9. FrankGrimes says:
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    I’m simply asking you to run my kingdom
    while I eat, drink and whore myself into an early grave.

    4.12.2015

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @FrankGrimes: Winter is coming!!! that means my game of thrones posts are back on……I’m not sure public was really feelin tho

      • FrankGrimes says:
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        @Tehol Beddict:
        they was cool…
        I see your sticking wit Dom

        If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @FrankGrimes: is the hall of fame not a happy place ?????

          • FrankGrimes says:
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            @Tehol Beddict:
            that’s krazy talk fool

            When you play the game, you win or die.
            There is no middle ground.

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @FrankGrimes: domonic shall sit upon the iron throne #KingDomonic beddict as hand of the King

  10. JxK9 says:
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    Are you worried at all about Harper’s splits against lefties? He did improve against them last year but didn’t hit for much power against them and never has.

    • JxK9 says:
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      I also like Yelich’s age, LD rate, speed, and that he will be hitting in front of a GOD but he beats baseballs in the ground. That won;t hurt his AVG, runs or steals, but I’d be surprised if he hit more than 10 HRs this year keeping his RBIs in check.

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @JxK9: he’s hitting 15 minimum buddy boy. Mark it down and take a pictuuuuure. I appreciate your Input

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @JxK9: not overly worried. The guy works harder than anybody I’m sure he’ll continue to improve tho obviously will never his strong suit. Won’t stop him from hitting 30

  11. Ante GALIC says:
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    Tehol!

    Gr8 write-up, sry just reading now!

    a. Love me Bryce Harper and agree with most that he’s just 22 in his fourth year. He could easily put it all together for a monster season.

    b. Not totally sold on The Domonator, loved him to bits in ’13 and rode his a** to a win in ’13 in 2 leagues. I’ll have my eyes and ears peeled.

    c. Yelich will be gr8 put there are so many similarly ranked OF that in a shallow league, he’s usually not available.

    d. Myers is fantastic and going super cheap everywhere. He should be a steal at OF3 on every team.

    e. Thanks for following me on twitter.

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ante GALIC: of course buddy. I follow back all the real ones plaaaaaaaya.

      A. Harper is going to lay wood like Ron Jeremy
      B. Don’t sleep on Domo tha God
      C. Never lose hope
      D. I’m a huge Myers fan. He’s the great white hope.

      Thanks for checking in

  12. Luvdarooks says:
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    NL only. VERY DEEP because after 23 starters we have 15 reserves. 11 teams & 10 KEEPERs/year.( $260). SO OBVIOUS HIGH INFLATION. (McCutch went for 41 & Kershaw was 38 in’14)
    .
    Minor players stay the salary till activated while all others get a $5 yearly raise until the owner feels they are no longer worth keeping.

    I will ask who to cut but may I preface it by noting I hate to release J Gray (trade chip later or hurt my future) at 5 for a polanco 20 , Benoit 12 or cashner 14 who likely will cost just a few bucks more in the auction. Know what I mean??

    KEEPERS
    Bryant 5
    J Harrison 7
    Soler 10
    Pederson 5
    Goldschmidt 10
    Storen 10
    TWO GOTTA GO :(
    Polanco 20
    Giles 7
    Benoit 12
    Cashner 14
    Hanson Pitt 5
    Gray 5
    SO WHO R THE 2 or should I package a 3 for one for a MInfielder?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Luvdarooks: Polanco a little pricey at 20…..????Tough call. Hmmmmm mm maybe Giles

      • Luvdarooks says:
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        Can only keep 10 put of these 12. Which TWO SHOULD GO?
        Was not really answered before

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Luvdarooks: Polanco is expensive at 20 maybe you could trade? Benoit a little pricey. NOt HUGE on Hanson and Giles.

  13. Jim says:
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    Great article, thank you. What numbers do you expect from AJ Pollock this year?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jim: maybe 10 homers 20 steals .275 average or so. I’m not huuuuge on him. I prefer adam eaton. Still a solid playa tho????

  14. Brandon says:
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    Thanks for a great read with good insight. In 2013 I took Dom Brown in the draft and road him to my leaugue’s championship round. Last year I took Brantley and road him hard to my leagues play offs. I am in a H2H point league that keeps up to 4 each year and I am trying to decide if I should keep Brantley as a third round pick in my draft or drop him in hopes of claiming something better in my snake draft? Thanks again for the read. This is the best fantasy baseball site!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Brandon: probably tough to get someone better than Brantley in 3rd when they’re is keepers but I’ve been wrong before (very rarely ) . Never give up on Domonic Brown.

      Glad u love the site. I put my heart and soul into this isssssssh. Thanks for stopping by plaaaaaaaya ????????

      • Brandon says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Thanks for the response, And no need to worry, I am resold on the Dom reboot.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Brandon: boooooom

  15. Flunkie says:
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    Wtf no A-Rod?!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Flunkie: he’ not an outfielder. But if he was he’d be here buddy

Comments are closed.