Versace’d up from my thong to my neck
Pootie tang with the belt game show some respect.
Greetings! I’m blessed to still be employed by Razzball, going at it like a horny jack rabbit, and it’s a beautiful week to be alive! Unless, of course, you live on the upper east coast, for that looks absolutely hellacious. May the Elder Gods bless you with dry firewood, hot toddies a plentiful, and a bounty of desperate hookers/gigolos working at half price. We’ve finally arrived at the always intriguing OF position, and I for one am ecstatic! In fact, I haven’t been this titilated since Clint Eastwood took his shirt off in The Bridges of Madison County! There’s no time to waste!
I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight!! Take Heed!
Outfielders that will Delight
Bryce Harper – B. Harp is known to go deeper than a sperm whale (shout out to Moby Dick), whom was just rectally injected (it works faster that way) with six gallons of liquid Cialis. I’m assuming you’ve all witnessed what a healthy Harper is capable of; he posted a .361 wOBA and a 131 wRC+ in the second-half last season, as well as showcasing a Conan the Barbarian-like ability of being able to miraculously take over games (going 5-for-17 with 3 home runs and 4 RBI in four games against the Giants in the playoffs last season).
My boys over at Numberfire have this Elder God blessed prince projected at 26 dongs, 80 RBI, and a .278 batting average, which all add up to Harper being a top-20 overall player next season. Of course, I have Harper outdoing those numbers, raking in over thirty and one hunnid. Yes, this is what’s now known as, “Beddalytic”, where we analyze all of the statistics and what the numbers geeks say they’re going to do, but also incorporate talent level, age, and the Elder Gods’s opinions. In this case, Harper has as much natural talent as anyone we’ve ever witnessed, and that includes O.J. Simpson, River Phoenix, and Chris Farley (RIP to tha legends). Would any one of you be astounded if Bryce Harper hit 40 home runs next season, his 4th in the big leagues? Yes? Oh, did you forget he hit 22 as a 19 year old? Pick up a tack hammer, slam it into your cranium, and wake the ef up! If Harper plays in 140 plus games, he’s hitting 30 plus jacks, period. B. Nasty is going in the 2nd round of every draft I’ve viewed thus far, and there’s a very simple reason for it; He’s a top-20 player if he just stays healthy, but he’s a top-5 player if he plays up to his massive capabilities. Beddalytics rarely prove to be inaccurate on these things. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s an analyzer.
Domonic Brown – Grey has him ranked as the 56th overall outfielder which is 36 ( I had to use my calculator on that) spots higher than ESPN, who has him at 93. That’s a gap wider and stankier than Khloe Kardashian’s nether region. Yea, that’s like filling the grand canyon with a mix of hot dog water and the human waste coming out of Rosie O’Donnell’s lake cabin. How dare ESPN disrespect Domonic the destroyer by ranking him beneath peasants like Jon Jay, David Peralta, and Scott Van Slyke!
I’d be upset with Grey for ranking him as low as he did if not for the fact that he’s the Godfather of Razzball and the unborn child I plan to place inside Miley Cyrus’s belly. Eons before I was writing for Razzball, Grey and Rudy were the ONLY fantasy writers I trusted, as they’re unrivaled when it comes to mixing fantasy baseball knowledge with columns I actually want to read in their entirety without having to switch to porn three times. With that being said, ANYONE else who hates upon young Domonic can lick deez like they’re a pair of everlasting gobstoppers.
Anyone who’s brain isn’t totally cluttered with bong water residue remembers when Dom put up the solid stat line of 272/.324/.494 with 27 home runs, 65 runs scored, 83 RBI and 8 stolen bases in 540 plate appearances in 2013. Last season, of course, was a different tale altogether as tha kid slumped to levels so low even Christian Slater felt like a winner witnessing Dom struggle at the plate. The pain and suffering Domonic hitting just .235-.285-.349 with 10 home runs, 47 runs scored, 63 RBI and 7 stolen bases in 512 plate appearances caused me is beyond even my capabilities as a celebrated wordsmith. I lost a piece of my soul when witnessing Dom’s HR/FB drop from 13.6% to a bottom feeding 6.3%, and the drop in BAPIB ( From .289 to .269) didn’t help either. One thing’s for certain: That level of ineptitude shall never be repeated by Brown as both Charlie Manuel and the legendary Mike Schmidt are working on getting his swing back in order. And that’s just playing a game called “Just the tip”. Let’s dig deeper, shall we?
Listen to me very closely; Domonic Brown is 27 years old. Domonic Brown is 6’5″ and 230 pounds of chiseled manliness. Domonic Brown was once the number one prospect in baseball for a reason. Domonic Brown has already been an all-star once at the Major League level and he will be again. I already KNOW that he’s going to regain his All-star form at some point but I know some of you guys like numbers to back those assumptions up. Take a glance at my girl, Corrine Landrey’s article, over at CrashburnAlley.com, where Dom compares favorably to players such as Edwin Encarnacion, Jose Bautista and Albert Pujols. Look, Edwin and Bautista didn’t figure it out until their age 29 seasons and never had anywhere near the hype of Domonic Brown, making the Brown hate even more perplexing. To say that Brown is finished or will never be a star player is simply irresponsible verbiage, and I shan’t accept it any longer. Next time I come for you, I’m gonna want some cocktail, FRUIT!!!
Christian Yelich – This young stallion gets me more excited than a The Golden Girls marathon, which is almost impossible to do. Someone tell me Estelle Getty wasn’t an absolute hoot and I’ll pistol whip you like Caine did Chauncey in Menace to Society.
Yelich has been hitting the weight room harder than LaRon Landry, and I fully expect him to at LEAST double last year’s run total. I believe CY ends up in the 3-hole, right in front of Giancarlo AKA the Elder Gods’s favorite son, and behind newcomers Dee Gordon and Martin Prado, and I believe he rakes. On ESPN, Yelich is ranked behind players like Coco Crisp (no disrespect), Denard Span (no disrespect), and A.J. Pollack (disrespect), which is absolutely ridiculous. I’ll bet ten grand against bedding your significant other that Yelich outproduces each of those players in 2015. IF HEALTHY, of course. Does your partner want your sex life to be exciting and erotic like in, 50 Shades of Grey, yet can’t even handle a finger in the yin-yang? Once I’m done with their “training session”, you’ll never have this issue again…I’m dead serious about this bet.
Jon Jay – Just kidding
Beddict on Music…..
The Beast is G-Unit – Whether I’m getting my swole on at the gym, brainstorming for Razzball columns, waxing bootay, or sending out classic tweets, G-Unit is what’s predominately playing through my headphones, car, or in home theatre system. This may have something to do with my neighbors believing I’m either a former professional athlete or a rap star, but who can know for sure? The last two 6-track G-Unit EP’s have thoroughly surpassed my expectations and I thank the Elder Gods every day for sending me something other than Drake and Big Sean to listen to. Sorry my fellow snowflakes, Pearl Jam just doesn’t do it for me, but if you’re all about butt rock, you’re still down with Beddict. All I know is that if there was no Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, Tony Yayo, or 50 Cent, there might not be a Tehol Beddict (For better or for worse). Buy this ish NOW!!! Here’s one of my all time fave G Unit tracks.
Outfielders that will Disgrace
Nelson Cruz – This could get nastier than a film studio making a movie about Gérard Depardieu and his sex addictions. Oh wait, this is actually happening. Many of you who are looking forward to seeing countless ass shots from Depardieu might also be expecting another 30-plus homer season from Nelson Cruz. Let me guess, you live in Seattle!!! Hey, so do I! Let’s meet up and I’ll smack you over the noggin with some ActRight! It’s almost obligatory for fantasy baseball writers to put Cruz in their bust sections; He’s 34 years old. He’s been caught placing needles in his butt cheeks. He fell off like a bad bag of dope after the all-star break last season. Etc., etc., etc. Yeah, we get it. I actually believe Cruz will have a solid season, and not brick like anything that Jeff Bridges has been a part of since 2010. BUT, that means hitting 23-28 homers, with 80 or so RBIs and a .245 average, which Mariners fans will gladly take, not totally falling off a cliff. Cruz is an easy target when forced to select bust candidates and some would even call it a cop-out to put him here because everybody else is…Le’ts just move on. By the way, the Mariners are winning the World Series. Witness!
Michael Brantley – In 2014, a 27-year-old Brantley crushed baseballs like Billy Bob Thornton crushed Halle Berry’s nani in Monster’s Ball, setting career highs across the board. With a BABIP .23 points higher than any point in his career (other than a short stint in 2009), Brantley set the world on fire and is now firmly entrenched as a 2nd or 3rd round pick. Why won’t Beddict be drafting him there? I expect regression in average, homers, and RBI. Obviously I still like the player to a degree, I’m just not going to be the guy taking the gamble on him. It’s like Hollywood studio execs going all in with the Avatar dude (Sam Worthington) and him serving up more bricks than a Columbian drug lord. I simply need to see more out of Brantley before committing such a high pick towards him. The guydoubled up his previous career high in homers, and to me, that smells like Joe Mauer or Jacoby Ellsbury all over again.
Thank you for traveling with me on this journey that is, disgrace/delight. I feel a stronger connection with you with each passing week. As per usual your comments and questions will be responded to below so please feel free to drop me a line. They say I’m the future and am a star in the making but I refuse to get my hopes up. You have to be realistic about these things, after all. I hope to see you back next week, ready to suck in my advice like a chunky chick at the beach. Until then.