I’ve said before Homer Bailey is someone you should acquire in a trade. SAME! I’ve said Homer and homers are synonymous. SAME! Those homers should come down, literally. SAME! I…went…scuba…diving…while…eating…Captain…Crunch…SAME! His K-rate is down from last year and his walks are up…NOT SAME! I’ve also said his BABIP is absurdly high, which means he’s getting unlucky. SAME! I’ve said before the difference between his xFIP and his ERA are huge, but after his last start his ERA is starting to come down. Um, SAME but different? He’s not the same pitcher as he was last year. SAME NOT SAME! His Ks are a bit off. NOT SAME! It’s more likely he has a low-3 ERA the rest of the way than the plus-5 ERA he has right now. Um…Well…Dah, the Gobstopper! I wouldn’t trade anyone too huge to acquire Bailey, but the beauty of this is you don’t have to. He’s got a 5+ ERA, so trade for him your Never Nude jorts. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Jenrry Mejia – A commenter said that Jenrry and Jeurys look like they were spelled by someone whose cat was walking across the keyboard. That made me chuckle. A deep hearty chuckle. A deep, robust– Okay, you get the picture. Jenrry is getting saves, what else do you need to know? Rhetorical, please don’t ask anything else about him.
Dellin Betances – Have you seen this guy’s stats? He’s like Goose Gossage circa 1962 when he was just an eleven-year-old playing in Little League and his red crayon’d mustache scared the living crap out of opposing kids. It’s the red scare, now amscray!
Ronald Belisario – He’s the kind of SAGNOF that you hope someone else picks up. I know, because I own him in multiple leagues. Amanda Bynes’s career looks at Belisario’s pitching and says yikes.
Drew Hutchison – He’s kinda borderline, depending on the league. I do like his K-rate, but he’s essentially the pitcher we’re seeing. Some terrific starts, some 4 IP, 5 ER sharts.
Collin McHugh – Tough weekend for streaming. Stream-o-Nator marginally likes McHugh’s next start, which is similar to the next guy I’ve listed — don’t read ahead, cheater! — but similar to the next guy — okay, but come back here — I like McHugh more going forward than his next start, which is just a’ight, which is better than okay, not as good as a’ight or a’ight a’ight.
Brandon McCarthy – Stream-o-Nator likes him for tomorrow vs. Cincy, but it’s loving just about everyone vs. Cincy recently due to their low wOBA, which when pronounced sounds like it was created by Downtown Julie Brown. I don’t love McCarthy’s start tomorrow, but I do like McCarthy overall. His K-rate and walk rate have been terrific and he’s just been unlucky.
Tommy Milone – I like him at home and nearly picked him up myself in the RCL, and may still. I might also be writing this to see if I can get Tehol to pick him up and then write a 15,000 word diatribe comparing Milone to the Hound.
Andrew Heaney – We’re coming towards Super Two’s-day! Member what Jose Fernandez did his rookie year? Well, if you don’t, you might want to up your intake of brain food since it was last year. That’s what Heaney could do.
Mitch Moreland – When my female real estate agent shows me a small plot of land, I like to scream, “Mitch, Moreland!”
Jonathon Singleton – Who wants some Super Two goodness? By the by, all of these Super Two guys in this post have posts about them. Click their name and follow the path to their most recent posts and that makes me another one-eightieth of a penny for every page view.
Tommy Medica – Tommy Spanish Hospital has been hitting well recently, but is A) On the Badres. B) Not guaranteed playing time. C) ontinue on.
Tommy La Stella – I just went over my Tommy La Stella fantasy. It was written with pieces of raw chicken, then I had a guy dressed as Colonel Sanders transcribe it. I’m cruel.
Gordon Beckham – You, “Okay, I hear ya on Beckham, but what about Kolten Wong? He reminds me of my roommate in college that I used to watch having sex.” Whoa, TMI.
Kolten Wong – Hey, it’s your college roommate! He’s owned in 18% of ESPN leagues which I can only deduce to mean Tristan Cockcroft is managing 82% of ESPN leagues and doesn’t pick up Kolten Wong so he can write an article about picking up Kolten Wong.
Javier Baez – Oh, yeah, we’re getting close to Super 2. Like a baller!
Lonnie Chisenhall – Put your thinking bloomers on for a second and answer me this. Why do fantasy baseballers love a guy when he’s either not playing or not called up, then when he is actually hitting and playing they don’t react? Afraid of success like their moms tell them?
Andre Ethier – The Buy guys are all unowned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues, so it’s sometimes guys that are getting playing time due to an injury, which makes me feel like I should be telling you to pick up Kemp. Ethier is actually the guy that is owned less than 50% of leagues, even though he has been playing. Member when baseball managers used to wear business suits, Connie Mack-style? Well, you don’t literally remember it unless you’re 127 years old. Any hoo! Don Mattingly should wear an absurdly oversized business suit as a homage to Connie Mack and David Byrne from Stop Making Sense, because that’s what he’s done.
Jonny Gomes – This is more of a Hitter-Tron call. Like when the Hitter-Tron calls up Pep Boys and asks where are the Pep Girls because he wants to lube their exhaust pipe.
Oswaldo Arcia – I love me some Arcia. Like a mommy bear loves her youngest cub that she calls honey.
Khris Davis – I love Davis even more. I love him like that same mommy bear that loves her youngest cub that she calls honey after she lost her other five bear cubs to an owner of a strip club that wanted to decorate the champagne room in bear skin rugs. That mommy bear loves her cub more like I love Davis more if you got lost in my analogy. If you got lost in my explanation of my analogy: There’s a bear that has six cubs. Five of those cubs were killed by a hungry-for-bear-skin-rugs strip club owner– You know what? Let’s move on.
Denard Span – I own Span and kinda want to drop him, but he has been hitting. How’s that for the hard sell on this buy?
Lorenzo Cain – On the serious, does anyone have a cooler full name in the world? I mean, Tom Cruise is a pretty rad full name. Grey Albright is kinda badass. But Lorenzo Cain? That shizz just flows. If my Cougar could produce eggs and I wanted to fertilize one of those things, I’d easily go Lorenzo Cain Albright. No Doubt, Stefani.
Oscar Taveras – Super Two around the corner, yo!
Gregory Polanco – When I say super, you say two. Super…Two…Super…Two…Supper…Two– Ah, fooled you! I said supper! I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book, mon.
SELL
David Wright – I bet you five imaginary dollars that someone will come on and tell me how wrong I am about Wright. Wright sell? Wrong! Right? Guaranteed. People love David Wright. On the flip side, they hate Puig. Something about playing the game the right way. Or Wright way. I don’t know. I think it’s all nonsense. Wright is one of the most overrated players. He’s like the Mets version of Jeter. Ooh, I’m David Wright and I don’t like Cougars but I love helping the homeless. Get a life, doode! He does nothing exceptionally well, except get lucky with BABIP. Even his counting stats are depressed due to the lineup around him. The last year he had a full season of at-bats, he had 18 homers. Lowercase yay! That was in 2012, which tells us he wasn’t even healthy last year. Lowercase super! He also gets 15-ish steals. 18-homers and 15-steals? That’s really great, Wright, you’re almost as valuable as Ben Zobrist! 3rd base is a black hole (no relation to Charlie Blackmon), but Wright is nothing special. I wouldn’t trade him for a piano necktie, but I’d explore options.
