Not too far off from here, there’s a city named Anaheim. It’s named after Ana Heimlich, the German inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, which was 1st used on a short-haired Daschund who tried, unsuccessfully, to swallow a grape. “Nein grape, Himmler!” Ana screamed as she stepped hard on the small dog’s belly. Out shot the grape, and the entire Bavarian village rejoiced. They all loved that dog. Hundreds of years later, to honor Ana, the city of Anaheim was born, and then, to much disrespect of Ana and Himmler, the dog, they started calling themselves Los Angeles, because they were all star-f***ers. Well, you got your star now, f***kers! Anthony Rendon signed on with the Los Angeles Ana Heimlichs for seven years. Wait until he’s 36 years old, playing across from a 74-year-old Pujols. So far, Boras ‘earned’ Cole $324 million; Rendon $245 million; Strasburg $245 million, and Moistasskiss $64 million. That’s $878 million, or roughly $87.8 million in commissions. You chose the wrong line of work! Any hoo! Anthony Rendon for fantasy…
When a player is solid but not completely…there, it’s like they’re in the Fantasy Baseball Friend Zone. They hint at sexiness, and promise of more. They’re still reliable. When you’ve suffered some great loss, like the death in the family or a 1st rounder going down to injury. They can help you grocery shop and add counting stats, but, just when you think you’re going to make love, you lean in and they turn their cheek, giving you 135 games and a 25-homer season. Fantasy blue balls. In the real world, there are ways to bide your time in the Friend Zone. You can try to guess the weight of the purse she asks you to carry or guess how far she move her hips and ass back when she hugs you. For four (stutterer!) years, Anthony Rendon kept us in the Fantasy Baseball Friend Zone. In the real world, there are ways to get yourself out of a Friend Zone, like if you were to lower your standards and move on. For a Fantasy Baseball Friend Zone, you need the player to take it to the next stage and commit to your love by breaking out. This year, you and Rendon had sex, uh, metaphorically. Finally, you could stop fantasizing about yelling, “I object,” at Rendon’s wedding to someone else or renting exotic cars on the weekend and cruising slowly in front of his house. You a few minutes ago, “There’s no way Grey can take this Friend Zone thing for 500 words.” Well, I proved you wrong! Rendon’s fly ball rate of 45.7 was coupled with 15.9% HR/FB and a 44.7% Hard Contact rate with a new pronounced launch angle. That makes me think Rendon is a 35-homer hitter now. Whether right or wrong, I cannot write him in for 550 ABs, so taking a few homers off his line. Even though, you guys are not humping, he can still be counted on for, uh, counting stats. Goes with the territory when you’re expected batting average was .319, which was third best in majors for qualified hitters, and his xSLG was similarly gorge, top 5 at .599. It took Rendon a while to finally realize what was right in front of his face for a handful of years, but, now that you’ve committed to each other, I don’t see Rendon having you watch his kid while he goes out to the bar to hook up with other fantasy baseball owners. For 2020, I’ll give Anthony Rendon projections of 105/32/112/.312/4 in 523 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in the offseason for 2020 fantasy baseball:
Michael Wacha – Signed with the Mets. Mets out here signing guys like, “I got high apple pie hopes, I got pie in the sky hopes, I got ‘Wacha can be good again’ hopes.” Think I’d prefer the apple pie in the sky, but you do you. For 2020, I’ll give Wacha projections of 8-8/4.36/1.38/114 in 134 IP.
Tanner Roark – Signed with the Jays. Before the signing, he said, “I had a season of 198 2/3 IP and a 2.85 ERA and a season of 2.83 ERA in 210 IP. Why didn’t I get a deal for $325 million?” That’s Mr. Roark on Fantasy Island. For 2020, I’ll give Roark projections of 9-11/4.33/1.35/141 in 147 IP.
Josh Lindblom – Signed by the Brewers after spending two great years in Korea like Douglas MacArthur. “I’m wearing this stupid helmet for nothing?” That’s the Ghost of George S. Patton not getting no love! In the KBO, Lindblom threw 194 2/3 IP with 2.50 ERA and 189 Ks. The Brewers must’ve figured Lindblom covered all the holes in his game, like he was a producer of Bialy stock. I’ll believe in the ‘all things were fixed in Korea’ when a team signs a pitcher to return to the states and all the Korean hitters he faced to play for other teams, though they might need approval of other teams for that. For 2020, I’ll give Josh Lindblom projections of 7-9/4.21/1.37/134 in 127 IP.
Blake Treinen – Signed by the Dodgers for $10 million. Ain’t bad money if you can get it! Which is what I screamed at Cougs while I pushed her hand between the car seats, going after that quarter I dropped. For 2020, I’ll give Treinen projections of 3-4/3.41/1.21/64, 6 saves in 62 IP.