Buying The Mitchell Report But To Hear Nice Things

To quote one of the great poets of our time, as Pitbull said, “Hello, my name is not Mr. Right…” Something-something for a few lines then, “…But Imma be your Mr. Right Now. Right now, right now, right now….” Mr. Bull is exactly right (now). All that is right for, uh, now in fantasy baseball is right now. If you’re wondering about what a guy did in August or what he can do in another two weeks, you are doing mental gymnastics that you should avoid. You are not Simone Biles of the brain. Stop and think about Mr. Bull, you just need Mr. Right Now, which brings me to: Garrett Mitchell. He was near the top of the 7-day Player Rater, and is playing every day. That’s what we need right now, Mr. Bull! Put aside all your personal feelings about how you got suckered into Grounder Henderson for a second straight year! Forget that Vlad Jr. is being out-homered by Brent Rooker, who has been out since the first week of June. Don’t remind me that in a league where I have the injured Ohtani, I’m playing Victor Mesa Jr. Let me fly with a hot waiver wire pickup as we careen towards the season’s final week. Be a constipated Mr. Bull and stop the bullcrap! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! If you or anyone you know has breathed in a coal oven, you might be eligible for compensation with the best pizza anyone’s ever tasted–Wait, that’s not right. Oh, right: Fantasy Hockey Rankings are kicking off! Fantasy Basketball is spiraling out of control (in a good way) with Fantasy Basketball Rankings, and every week we have Fantasy Football Rankings. Finally, this post was released early on Patreon, as will the 2027 rankings after I write them (end of November). Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Luis Torrens – No one cares about catchers so the Mets’ inability to develop Francisco Alvarez is fairly whatever to most people, but Torrens is not only out-producing Alvarez, but you’re out-producing Alvarez in the 2nd half. Yes, you. The person who is pointing your index finger at your chest. By not playing baseball professionally, you’ve done more. Congrats.

Coby Mayo – After a lengthy diatribe about how this can only be for right now to open this post, you know what I’m about to do twenty-seven words into this post? Yup, The Emulsification might be getting into the 2027 sleeper conversation.

Spencer Torkelson – Just had a dream about a fork-spoon combo that could hit 30 homers and nothing else named Sporkelson. I need to stop eating spicy food right before bed.

Richie Palacios – Pitching to The Puppetry of the Penis my idea with a tiny Rays jersey and naming one Dick Palace, being told, “That’s too much even for us, and we put on puppet shows with our genitals.” Any hoo! Palacios aka Dick Palace has been hot.

Javier Sanoja – Has not only been one of the top producers this week, but has been in the 2nd half. Yes, you were sitting on Ozzie Albies while Sanoja has out-produced him in almost every way in the 2nd half.

Christian Koss – Hot schmotatoes make you jump. Chris Koss makes you jump-jump.

Cole Young – He has an outside chance of being a top 20 2nd basemen for the year. Week after the season concludes, I’ll recap each position and you’ll hear more of this sorta thing, “Cole Young was how good? Then why did I have Xavier Edwards for six months?!”

Adael Amador – This is a buy for all Rockies’ hitters because they’re home, but also, and here’s where the crackers in my head really come alive, Amador went 11/20/.303 in a half season in Triple-A last year, and is an elite contact hitter. If you can snag a guy for next year in your dynasty league or as a throw-in in an offseason trade, Amador might not be the worst bet. On a separate but related note, it’s so interesting to watch the Rockies hit Norby in the two hole, and his 30 K%, and Amador and his elite contact hit at the bottom of the lineup. You’d really think that would be obvious to a MLB manager, but you’ve underestimated the Suckies.

Michael Arroyo – Has been hitting (in very limited action, so be careful about dropping anyone too valuable like Vlad Jr.)

Victor Mesa Jr. – As with everyone player here, I look at their stats and their current lineup and position in it, and the Rays having the best AL record and a lineup full of platoons is not going to get us to stop platooning everyone, is it? (No, it’s not.)

Jakob Marsee – Last year he went 5/14/.292 in 55 games, and he could double that speed, and has already doubled that power, but his average is going to fall way short, which is funny (not funny) because that seemed like his most bankable skill, then speed, and that’s had massive issues too with caught stealings, i.e., the more ya see Marsee, the more ya Less-see.

Jose Siri – Asked Siri how do you say Josue De Paula and it said, “Jose Siri is getting everyday at-bats for the Angels,” and I asked what that had to do with my question and Siri said, “Sorry, you’ve used up all your minutes this month,” and I said I don’t pay for minutes on my phone and it said, “Well, there ya go.”

Dustin Harris – He’s on his third team this year and doing what he’s done on all the other teams for the last nine years in the minors. He went 14/41 reaching Triple-A for the Rangers. That was three years ago! He spent an entire year in Triple-A in 2024 and went 10/35/.272. Then more of the same in 2025. Dustin has a solid case for a class action suit. Dustin vs. the State of MLB Not Playing Prospects.

Jordan Lawlar – He’s on a 25/25 pace if he plays 162 games. He just needs seven seasons to get to 162 games.

Christian Scott – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to its local Chinese restaurant.

Noah Cameron – This is also a Streamonator call. “Can you make moo shu lug nuts?”

Tanner Scott – Dodgers saves could go to Tanner, Evan Phillips, Alex Vesia or even Jack Dreyer, star of Hunter. I’d likely go in this order, because it seems like Dave Roberts trusts Scott the most, which means Scott could be brought into tough situations in earlier innings and not necessarily held for the 9th. Problem is Scott gets them out of the 8th inning mess, then who’s got the 9th inning mess? Ninth Inning Mess could also the title of the Nats’ pitching coach’s book on their pen.

Erik Tolman – Hey, hold on, previous blurb! Erik The Nat is now their closer, and doing well. Only took the Nats 26 weeks to figure it out.

Michael Petersen – Pete Fairbanks seems done in a way that is worrisome for his career, if you worry about players and don’t just mooch off their wonderosity for your fantasy team! (Got your ass with some hard truths like I was Chris Hansen.) This could also be Tyler Zuber or Calvin Faucher, and a pen I’d only go near if desperate.

Kevin Ginkel – This is a true committee in Arizona, and only thing made better by a committee is jerk seasoning. Could be Ginkel, Justin Martinez, Juan Morillo, Brandyn Garcia, or even Jonathan Loaisiga, that order.

SELL

Everyone – Stop looking for an “everyone” on your fantasy team. Everyone isn’t a person, it’s everyone. Keanu, “Whoa.” You can’t wait for some phantom hot streak that may or may not come. I’d drop everyone this final week-plus if they’re not performing. This is also a drop for all starting pitchers on any teams that have already made the playoffs and might only see a few innings in the next week. In general, I can’t imagine any playoff-bound starter getting more than five innings. This final week is uncharted territory and on maps it’s named: Not-Just-Kevin-Cash-Is-Yanking-Starters-Before-70-Pitches-Land. It’s between the Arabian Sea and H2Hplayoffsistan. There’s no time to wait! You need to do whatever it takes to win your league! Don’t be afraid of success! Be the hero you always dreamt yourself to be! Be a bright, shining star who is able to win a fantasy baseball league! Be the man you see when you look in the reflection of your computer screen while your fantasy team page is loading!