Fantasy Baseball Advice

Andrew Bailey will need thumb surgery, according to one doctor.  He’s scheduled to get a second opinion today.  That second doctor’s gonna say, “The first doctor and I play golf and he only sent you to me to run up your doctor bills.  Of course you need surgery.”   My opinion is Bailey is always hurt and he’s gonna miss a few months.  When Bailey was first traded to the Sawx in the offseason, I even opined, “When Melancon went to the Sawx, I said, “The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.”  In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer.  Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.”  Prescient ain’t just a word you need a spell checker for.  It’s a state of mind!  Bailey will be absolutely fine as a closer when he’s healthy, which is to say maybe 4 of 6 months of the season if the Sawx are lucky.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I don’t just bring this up for the Bailey news, but I wanted to say again how the Sawx GM originally pegged Melancon as having closer potential.  Originally, I said he wasn’t a big market closer, but guess what y’all?  He’s a heck more of a big market closer than Aceves.  He has closer experience and that you can’t buy (legally outside of Canada).  The Sawx are saying Aceves could get saves.  I’m not sure how much I believe it.  If Melancon was out there in my leagues, I grabbed him too (as in, in addition to Aceves).  If Aceves does get the first couple of saves, he’ll need to be perfect to keep the job, i.e., vis-a-vis, ergo, Melancon could end up getting 25 saves even if he doesn’t get the first couple.  This shituation is fluid so put on some plastic bed sheets.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – Went for an MRI on his knee yesterday.  Ah, the Mets and their injuries.  The Mets doctors originally thought Francisco was dealing with patella tendinitis — is that the pre-med Indian kid who lived in my freshman dorm?  Frank² had an ERA north of 5.50 in the spring and the publicity was, “Where’s his velocity?”  He thought he’d locate his electricity with tenacity, but kept ending up back at paucity, which left people grabbing Rauch in felicity, prior to her cutting her hair — the audacity!   Only issue is unless your league has a category for the number of things a pitcher can reach off a top shelf, Rauch may be useless.  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from the movie Role Models, could end up with the bulk of the saves.  Then there’s Ramon Ramirez, who insists you not call him Ram-Ram, not that there’s anything wrong with a little Ram-Ram… Basically, the Mets are a shizzshow closerousel that could get you sick to your stomach.  I grabbed Rauch in one league, Parnell in another league and think one of them will get the majority of the saves in April for the Mets.  Either could run with the job longer too.

Jason Bay – If he struggles in the season, the Mets said they could platoon him.  Not even joking here, but I think this the first bit of Mets front office news I’ve agreed with since they fired A.J. Mass from his Mr. Met job.

Sam Fuld – Out 4 to 5 months with wrist surgery.  Will give Fuld plenty of time to hunt wabbits.

Sean Marshall – Named Cincy closer.  I could’ve told you that last week, and I’m not even reading tea leaves, especially not chunky Betty Draper’s.

Aroldis Chapman – Will stay in the bullpen as a setup man for Marshall.  I wonder if Aroldis would’ve signed in Cincy if he would’ve known he’d be stuck in the bullpen for his whole career.  Coming from Cuba, he should’ve known he wasn’t going to get any say in the matter with the Reds.

Tyler Colvin – Someone grabbed Colvin in my NL-Only draft during the free round and everyone groaned.  Colvin is a whole lot of nothing right now, but prepare for Fowler to get benched a game here and there and Colvin to get a chance.  If he does well with those chances, Colvin will be a hot add everywhere.

Josh Beckett – Has a thumb injury, but shouldn’t miss his first start.  Beckett did go to Texas to get it checked out.  I’m guessing he didn’t hitchhike.

Carlos Lee – Ken Rosenthal reported that Lee can block trades to 14 teams this year.  With 18.5 million still going to Lee, 29 teams are hoping they’re one of the 14.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit a home run yesterday and finished with a .196 average.  Spring training numbers mean nothing, but I wouldn’t be shocked if this Cuban raftee sees an average around .200 this year.

Randall Delgado – Won the fifth rotation spot for the Braves.  As of right now, Delgado doesn’t look like he’s going to pitch well or past May 1st when Hudson returns.  Last year, he had an ERA of 2.83 in 7 games started, but a hideous K-rate, walk rate and xFIP.  I’m worried about his walk rate and K-rate dropping as he moves up to a new level.  Right now, I wouldn’t risk it outside of NL-Only leagues.

Tyler Pastornicky – Hey, the clergyman that Carmella made out with was named the Braves starting shortstop.  I went over my Pastornicky fantasy already.  I wrote it while being disappointed by the Worst Cooks in America finale.

Roger Bernadina – Nursing a right knee contusion, but should be fine for Opening Day.  Yesterday, in VinWins’ post about RCL trends, I was surprised to see Bernadina wasn’t drafted at all.  Not that I need to explain myself to you, but there’s gonna be a post later today from Rudy that is gonna blow your mind.  Let’s just say, just when you thought my mustache couldn’t get any fuller, it just did.

Jesus Montero – Was escorted off the field after getting beaned in the back of the helmet.  After the game, Wedge said he’s okay, it got him “in the fat part of the helmet.”  Then Kevin Smith started a Twitter campaign demanding helmets of any size are treated the same, then Michelle Obama started a helmet nutrition program and the fat helmet lost weight and wasn’t nearly as funny.

Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago.  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday.  Playing catch?  What, the Nats doing a video for Cat’s in the Cradle?  He should be pitching, not playing catch.  So that’s one red flag.  The bigger red flag with a skull and crossbones is obviously soreness from playing catch.  That’s awesome for a young reliever who was used a lot last year (75 1/3 IP).  Two days ago, Davey Johnson said Storen wasn’t throwing because he had strep throat.  So does he have strep arm now?  Johnson said he’s not worried about Storen.  Davey lies… Davey lies when he cries and implies Storen is still his prize…  In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.  For those in deeper leagues or feeling light on saves, I’d grab Lidge.  I think Storen will ultimately be fine, but better safe than sorry as they say in the Clichè Hall of Fame, which is located on Main Street in Capital City.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Report out of Philly is they aren’t motivated to trade Blanton.  Sounds like when your garbage piles up and you can’t motivate to throw it out.  Maybe we’ll see the Phillies on the new season of Hoarders.

Ryan Howard – Without a walking boot, he took grounders yesterday while sitting on a stool.  Maybe he’s hoping he can be the Bill Cosby of 1st baseman.  “I was taking ground balls with my manager, Man-yoo-el.  Man-yoo-el is great; he gave me chocolate cake!”

Ryan Madson – Threw twenty pitches in a simulated game, then left with pain in his elbow.  Wow, and Dusty hasn’t even managed him in a game yet.  He just points his toothpick at pitchers’ elbows and they go down.  This is starting to sound like Sean Marshall is gonna be the closer for the Reds on Opening Day.  Yes, he should be owned too.

Juan Pierre – Has been caught stealing three times in five attempts in the spring.  Is there anything sadder than a steals-only guy who can no longer steal?  That’s not rhetorical.  Really, is there?

Neftali Feliz – Rangers are reporting that Feliz threw with no issues.  To incorrectly paraphrase Modest Mouse, this is bad news for people who like bad news about starters they don’t want to own.

Carlos Marmol – Will return on Monday.  Will close until July.  Will be traded to a contender to be an eighth inning set-up man.  It’s a feeling I have.

Mark Reynolds – The O’s are talking about trading him.  Looks like the O’s management got the letter in the bottle that was dropped in the Atlantic about thirteen years ago that read, “Go young, you have no chance of competing right now.”

Adam Dunn – Sticking with the newly established donkey theme, Dunn hit two homers yesterday.  In 1970, Boog Powell hit 35 homers and won the MVP at the age of 28.  The next year, he struggled to hit 22, then 21, 11 and 12 before having one final (Berkman-type resurgence) with 27 homers in 1975, then he was out of baseball at the age of 35.  Frank Howard hit 44 homers at 33, then 26 homers the next year and pretty much out of baseball at 35.  Greg Luzinski hit 35 homers at the age of 27.  At 28, he hit 18.  Then nothing for 4 years (had a Berkman resurgence year), then out of baseball at 33.  Mo Vaughn went from MVP contender to retired.  The history of the big-bellied isn’t great when they start to age.  Dunn is 32 years old.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he was out of baseball at the age of 35.  Can Dunn come back and hit 25 homers this year?  It’s possible.  It’s gonna come with a .240 or lower average.  We’re not going to see 40 homers from The Big Donkey again.

Desmond Jennings – Could be out until next week, but he should have plenty of time to be ready for Opening Day.  Or as they call it in the Albright household, O’Jennings Day.

Dustin Pedroia – Left the game after being hit on the forearm.  He didn’t want to leave, but Bobby Valentine insisted.  Then Pedroia nipped at his ankles and Bobby put a cone on his head.  Pedroia should be back in a few days.

Kendrys Morales – In his first action with the Angels since his limp-off home run, he got two hits.  Small victories are good.  They’re especially good for Morales who celebrates big victories like an idiot.

Tyler Greene – The Cards look like they’re going to start Greene at 2nd base and in the leadoff slot (with Furcal somewhere at the bottom of the order).  Greene feels like a guy that someone in an NL-Only league will either get lucky drafting or will want to drop by week two.

Tyler Colvin – Hitting near .400 in spring training.  That means nothing, as does Colvin in most leagues.  However, I wouldn’t be shocked if we get into the first week of the season and Blake is benched (or injured), Cuddyer goes to 3rd and Colvin is playing the outfield and becomes one of the hottest adds.  It’s a thought to stash next to your rolling papers.

Scott Baker – Yesterday, he threw in a minor league game.  So he pitched Twins batting practice?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-33 this spring.  Feels like old times!

Lorenzo Cain – Now has four homers and is batting .486 in the spring.  Cain…Sugar!’s not yet on any of my teams, but I think I might need to reach for him in one league.  Bourgeois, you’ve been Marx’d down!

Billy Butler – Hit his third homer of the spring as he has an insane 1.258 OPS over 39 at-bats.  They don’t call him Mr. Grapefruit for nothing.

Pedro Alvarez – Ah, my old heartthrob, is playing like there’s a reason why he’s not my new heartthrob.  It looks likely M.C. Gehee will be playing 3rd base.  The Pirates get the gas face.

Erik Bedard – Named Pirates Opening Day starter.  The Pirates then added, “If he’s healthy.”

David Wright – Took BP and said, “I feel about as good as I’d feel, I guess, picking up a bat for the first time in a few weeks.  Hopefully it gets better from here result-wise.  But just being out there and being able to go through a full day and a full round of batting practice and not feeling anything, that’s pretty good.”  I’ll read between the lines for you.  ”I was swinging at about 50% against a soft-tossing BP pitcher and I still didn’t really get good swings on the ball.  It was sure nice to see the fellas after going through three weeks of testing done by a Met doctor who had a degree from a med school in Guam.  I wonder if there’s bears in Guam and if they call them Guamy Bears.”

Jon Niese – Got an offseason nose job because Beltran used to make fun of him.  It’s not the first time that a Mets outfielder led to drugs being applied to a Mets pitcher’s nose.

Fausto Carmona – Or as his birth certificate says, Roberto Hernandez Heredia, is scheduled to throw 80 pitches at the Indians’ academy in the Dominican Republic.  Afterwards at the academy, Carmona will take classes like “Ethics In Nomenclature and Age” and “Nutrition:  It’s a Real Word.”

As reported ad nauseum yesterday, Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels yesterday.  Or the Albertaheim Pujalos, as they should now be called.  Something that wasn’t reported, with Pujols going from a Cardinal to an Angel, Dan Brown now has a new book idea.  After every home run, Pujols seemed to be pointing at God, but he was obviously pointing at the Angels.  And since it is the Christmas season, let us not forget:  When a Pujols gets a contract, an Angel gets his rings.  Someone reported how Pujols stands to make $68,493 per day.  I have an idea:  Occupy Pujols!  They’ll like that one in West Hollywood.  Okay, enough of the jibber-jabbering.

Pujols’s value doesn’t change with the new league, park or team.  He’ll get around 35 homers, 100+ runs and RBIs and .300.  In 2020, when players are using jet packs and astronaut ice cream is finally sold at stadiums, then Pujols might not be the same player, but we’ll cross that hovercraft when we come to it.  The bigger issue with Pujols, is where is everyone else playing?

The Angels have enough non-abled bodies to make a kick-ass Rock N Jock softball team.  They should sign Meatloaf!  First up, Kendrys Morales and his non-bionic leg.  Since Kendrys has been pulling a Kotchman for the last two years, there’s a chance he doesn’t even make it out of the gate, but I think we have to assume he does play in April and slots in as the DH.  Maybe Pujols gives the DH slot a little how’s your father every couple of weeks, but he’s playing the field.  Next up, Mark Trumbo and his promising future is either being moved to third base or platooning with Kendrys.  For fantasy, a move to third would be great, terrific, synonym.  But this is the Sciosciapath managing.  Ugh, I already see it getting ugly from a fantasy perspective.  I could see Scioscia playing Maicer Izturis at 3rd before Trumbo.  This is not good.  If Trumbo loses 150 at-bats without gaining 3rd base eligibility, his value goes out the metaphorical window. Then you have an even worse shituation in the outfield.  Bourjos has to play center.  Glove is too valuable.  Angels have already committed to him.  Turning back now on him would be a huge mistake/surprise/Mad Libs in something.  Plus, Bourjos is just the kind of player Scioscia loves.  So there’s two spots left for Vernon Wells, Bobby Abreu and Torii Hunter.  That’s awesome if you’re putting together a 2004 All-Star Game team.  BUT WHAT ABOUT MIKE TROUT?!  I know, Al Caps.  I hate teams and their casual lack of regard for rookies.  I’m afraid to report to you, Mike Trout’s not seeing time until 2013.  My Mike Trout 2012 fantasy is missing one caveat — what happens if they sign Albert Effin’ Pujols?  My guess is their outfield is gonna be Hunter, Bourjos and Wells with Abreu platooning in the outfield and at DH.

To recap for fantasy, Pujols is fine, Bourjos is fine, Trumbo is fine if he can play 3rd which seems unlikely, Kendrys is fine if he’s healthy, Abreu is not fine, Mike Trout is not fine.  Ideally, the lineup will look like this:  1. CF Bourjos 2. 2B Kendrick 3. 1B Pujols 4. RF Hunter 5. 3B Trumbo 6. DH Morales 7. LF Wells 8. C Iannetta 9. SS Aybar.  That’s what you’re hoping for if you have Trumbo in a keeper, at least.  Anyway, here’s some more Winter Meeting moves and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – More fall out from Pujols’s signing has Berkman moving to first base.  Might keep his legs a little fresher, but the loss of Pujols from the lineup sorta leaves a foul odor on the whole team no matter how fresh someone’s legs are.  Mike Matheny’s mother, “You’re gonna manage a World Series team?!  That’s so amazing!  Wait until I tell your Uncle Morty!”  Uncle Morty Matheny, “Pujols is gone!  He lost his whole team, Marilyn!”  That’s the Matheny’s over the holidays.  Allen Craig stands a shot of inheriting a starting job, but he has to get healthy first.  Right now, he’s out 4-6 months from knee surgery.  That leaves…um…uh…Skip Schumaker?  Okay, team’s a slight mess, but everyone loves an underdog, except Dr. Simon Bar Sinister.

Alex Gonzalez – Signed on with the Brewers.  But how about Pujols signing with the Angels?!  All right, enough of that.  You know who has a sad emoticon for the Alex Gonzalez signing?  Yuniesky Betancourt.  “But I could’ve done the same as Gonzalez with two less homers!”  That’s Yuniesky as he watches the Brewers throw his bags out on the curb.  Gonzalez is not someone you intend to ever have on your fantasy team, except once a year when he’s hot and hits a few homers in a week.

Ian Stewart – Mini Mini Donkey rises from the ashes!  Brays to Theo Epstein!  Maybe a change a scenery can fix what ails Stewart, though is there any record of a change of scenery ever fixing anything?  Isn’t that the oldest cliche about how you can’t run from your problems?  I mean, I may not be smart enough to run a major league club, but I am smart enough to pay attention to what a freakin’ fortune cookie tells me.

Nolan Arenado – Stewart leaving opens the door in Colorado for a possible Nolan Arenado infusion.  He will get a post all to himself next week, unless the Rockies sign someone else.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Tyler Colvin – Went to the Rockies in exchange for Stewart.  This trade is like when you order something gross and your friend has something unappetizing and you switch plates.  Hey, people have different tastes!  Though usually your friend’s entree is nasty too.  During last year’s preseason, Matthew Berry said Colvin would hit 40 homers.  Maybe Berry’s a time traveler and got his years confused and now that Colvin is in Coors he’ll hit 40 homers.  Or maybe he’ll platoon as a 4th outfielder, hit 15 homers and bat .230.  You just don’t know until they play the games.  Though if Berry’s a time traveler, it would help explain why he’s still recycling jokes from the early 90′s.

Ed Wade’s Toupee has made it clear that he’s trying to move Hunter Pence in a trade.  Why would the Astros want to hold onto their best player?  He just gives his fans false hope.  False hope is worst than no hope.  See every movie John Singleton’s done since Boyz n the Hood for examples of what hope can do to you.  Awesome, the guy who did Boyz n the Hood is gonna remake Shaft.  No, not awesome.  Terrible.  Thanks a lot, false hope!  Speculation has Pence going to Atlanta, Philly or the Red Sox.  Speculation has me excited to own Pence.  Shoot, speculation sounds like salvation for Pence.  If Pence were a car, I’d put on him a bumper sticker, “Anywhere but Houston.”  His RBIs haven’t suffered as much as you might think considering where he is, but it can only get better.  And his runs, his lineup protection, potentially his ballpark.  I like it.  It’s a win-win-maybe win scenario.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kosuke Fukudome – The Indians acquired the Japanese OF to help fill the void left by Korean OF Shin-Soo Choo.  Hopefully Fukudome doesn’t get hurt or else they may bring in a Taiwanese Little Leaguer.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled.  Still plenty of time to reach the 40 homer prediction of Matthew Berry.  Go big or go home!

Drew Storen – Rumors are saying that the Nats weren’t willing to trade Drew Storen for Denard Span.  And they shouldn’t.  It’s not that important to save money on monogrammed bathrobes.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-5.  It should be a day of celebration for Zimmerman’s owners so it’s too bad I’m about to point out he has 5 homers and 20 RBIs on the year.  As Mattingly would say as Morganna ran toward him, “What a bust.”  Speaking of which, in the 80′s we had casual female nudity in movies and random hot girls running on the baseball field. Then in the 90′s we got no nudity and no one running on the field.  Now, you get male nudity (don’t even start me about Friends With Benefits — why are you showing Justin Timberlake and not Mila Kunis?  Am I not the target audience? Actually, don’t answer that.) and drunk idiot guys running on the field.  Where did our country go wrong?  Can’t we get back to random naked girls in movies and goofy Loni Anderson-type girls running on the field?  Oh, and don’t look up recent photos of Loni Anderson on Google.  Her plastic surgery makes Lisa Rinna’s lips look real.

Wade Davis – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the A’s and the conshellation prize.  All five runs were given up in the first inning then he settled down, but still the last time Tampa got hammered from Oakland this bad was when MC Hammer played last month at a Tampa farmers’ market.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his first homer and fourth steal in only six games while batting .500.  After the game, he declared himself the new King of Slam & Legses, only when he said legses it didn’t sound weird because he’s perfect.

Brandon Allen – 1-for-2 with his 3rd home run and his first steal.  My man’s playing with reckless a-Brandon!  That’s 3 homers in 26 at-bats.  That’s, a’la Larry David, prettaaaaaay prettaaaaaay good.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer and 2nd steal.  I’ve been wanting to get on board with this guy for over a week now, but he’s been sitting every third game and not hitting righties well, i.e., what most pitchers are.  If you can platoon him in deeper leagues, it’s worth a flyer.

Kyle Blanks – Now 2 for his first 20 with 11 Ks.  At this point, the only way he’s going to be productive is if someone figures out a way to harness his windmill swing for electricity.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with his 8th home run.  Last time he hit a home run, it was at the tail end of a 14-for-31 streak.  This could be the start of another such run.  And, yeah, ‘another such’ sounds lame.  I’m aware.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5 with his 17th and 18th homers which is one homer behind Tulowitzki, who leads all major league shortstops.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-5 with 5 RBIs and only a single short of the cycle.  He’s nothing special on AVG/OBP but 19 HRs and 53 RBIs in the AL West (see Smoak, Moreland, and Barton) should keep Trumbo off any blacklists.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 with his 21st steal.  In the past two months, he’s hitting .255 with 7 steals.  Cust kayin’.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer or his third homer in as many games.  Butler’s cups really runneth over.

Homer Bailey – 4 IP, 9 ER.  It’s to the point where I wouldn’t own Bailey until he threw two months straight of quality starts.

Francisco Rodriguez – Since he waived his games-finished clause that would pay him $17.5 million, he hasn’t finished any games.  K-Rod backwards is dork.  Father-in-laws everywhere rejoice.

Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and he’s going to make an appearance in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell as I throw it to Lucas.

Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 with 3 runs and a steal as he stays blisteringly hot.  To point out the painful and obvious, he’s been better than Ryan Zimmerman.  Fantasy baseball, making prematurely bald men bald faster.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal.  His hitting streak is now up to 26 games.  That makes sense in opposite world where I look like Paul Walker with a mustache and girls still like mustaches.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-3 as he hit his 24th homer.  Actually, that’s not entirely true.  He started to swing and the ball flinched 375 feet the other way.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Has now hit in every game he’s started since his trade to the Tigers, which is a really nice way to say he’s hitting around .270 over the last week.

Brad Penny – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  The Tigers pitching box score sounds like a porn marquee — Penny, Furbush, Ruffin, Purcey and Coke.  All to star in Motor City Mamas.

Justin Morneau hit two homers yesterday.   Yay!  He’s not only back but he just called from the year twenty-fourteen and said he’s going to hit 30 more homers this year.  Because he’s a big, fat liar.  He lies with his home runs and his fictitious calls from the future.  There’s a stat I just made up called POOP (Players Out Of Power), where you take the fly balls a player hits and the injuries to their noggin, neck and back and you divide it by pi and Morneau gets a -7 on the POOP scale.  He can’t even do well with a made-up stat I created to make him look bad.  Well, I guess that makes sense.  And now you’re making me look stupid?!  I hate you, Morneau.  Take your dopey, fragile (hey, it’s Italian!) body and go back to Canada.  They’ll treat you for free there!  These two home runs yesterday are your last chance to sell Morneau.  Aim someone’s eyes away from the pathetic Twins offense, the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome pitching park, the Mauer-less lineup, the .299 OBP this year, the 8 homer pace and the pinched nerve in his neck that will probably shut him down in August when the Twins are eliminated and sell him!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Garfield from Parking Wars is placing a boot back on Ike’s foot because it’s not healing properly.  I think the Mets doctors went to the same med school as Steve Guttenberg in Bad Medicine.

Daniel Murphy – Just when you thought the middle infidel schmohawks would go away, here comes another one.  Murphy’s hitting near .500 over the last week and 8 for his last 14.  No power, no speed, but he’s a hot schmotato.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He was showing a backdoor curve that would give any man in The Castro a run for his money.  I honestly expected to watch Lyles and Cobb yesterday and like Cobb more, but Lyles was much more dominant.  I started him in a few mixed leagues, and will continue to do so.

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 6 ER, and it felt like he urinated on my Reggie Jackson baseball card collection.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled with Soriano headed to the DL.  I’m not sure of Colvin’s playing time, but Matthew Berry thinks Colvin can hit 40 homers.  Go big or go home!

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-4 with his 6th steal.  Bourjos should have at least 15 steals by now.  Who’s the baserunning coach in Anaheim?  Dexter Fowler?

Brett Lawrie – He left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on the hand.  Then he hashtagged a tweet later saying it was just a bruise and he’ll be fine.  Then he hashtagged he was going to see Hangover II, then he hashtagged what Logan Morrison was eating for dinner, then Logan Morrison hashtagged the word ‘dude.’  A rumor has Lawrie coming up this Friday.  Another rumor has him coming out of seedy motel with Rebecca Gayheart.

Chone Figgins – Will get a few days off to clear his head.  To clear me head, I like to put on bicycle shorts and go for a spin in my Camaro with the license plate, STACHE.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer as the lead-off hitter hit cleanup.  Guess it’ll give him more time in the on-deck circle to work on his slap bunts.

Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s it broken down to you so simple that Larry, the Cable Guy could understand it.  He’s in a tough division and he’s a rookie.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d continue to let him sit on waivers.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-2 and his 9th home run as he leads the major leagues in batting average.  Yeah, not even his parents would’ve put money on that.  And he’s a real momma’s boy.

Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I will continue to point out how I dropped him after his 2nd start of the year so at least someone can get some schadenfreude out of this.

Kelly Johnson – Another day, another home run.  BTW, doesn’t he have a name that sounds like your buddy’s sister?  “Dude, don’t invite Kelly Johnson to the party.  It’s always awkward when she’s flirting with me in front of her brother.”

Brett Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Oh.  Wait, what?  Ouch.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 17th homer and 8th steal.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Curtis Granderson is your fantasy MVP for the first two months.  Ain’t that a shin in the kicks?

Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 with his 5th home run.  Good to see he’s still playing baseball.  I had no idea.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I have a real problem when I don’t even see the six earned runs and all I see is the nine Ks.  I need help!

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday because he was warming up when the Red Sox made it a save situation.  Santos is still the closer, assuming Ozzie wakes up on the same side of the bed he has been for the last month.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4, 4 RBI and 2 homers.  I’m glad so many people dropped him.  More Danny Espinosa for me!

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Last year, a 9.45 ERA in May.  This year, more bupkis.  Like his eyes, his season comes in two shades, May and not-May.

Andres Torres – 1-for-5 with his 6th steal.  Yesterday, a homer.  Tomorrow, probably an injury.  But I’d own him while he was hitting and running.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I feel like everyone on the Giants, outside of Lincecum, I always say the same thing about — they’re not that good.   Vogelsong, really isn’t.  I swear.  Now watch as he continues to baffle hitters.

Brandon Belt – Was hit by a pitch on the wrist but the x-rays came back negative.  Bochy said Belt would miss a few days.  Days Bochy wasn’t going to play him anyway.

David Freese – Says he’s way ahead of schedule for his next setback.

Cameron Maybin – To the 15-day DL with patellar tendinitis, who was this lovely Indian chap who sat next to me in Bio 101.

Cliff Lee – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Nats.  The Adverb was far from suffixient.