Fantasy Baseball Advice

As reported ad nauseum yesterday, Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels yesterday.  Or the Albertaheim Pujalos, as they should now be called.  Something that wasn’t reported, with Pujols going from a Cardinal to an Angel, Dan Brown now has a new book idea.  After every home run, Pujols seemed to be pointing at God, but he was obviously pointing at the Angels.  And since it is the Christmas season, let us not forget:  When a Pujols gets a contract, an Angel gets his rings.  Someone reported how Pujols stands to make $68,493 per day.  I have an idea:  Occupy Pujols!  They’ll like that one in West Hollywood.  Okay, enough of the jibber-jabbering.

Pujols’s value doesn’t change with the new league, park or team.  He’ll get around 35 homers, 100+ runs and RBIs and .300.  In 2020, when players are using jet packs and astronaut ice cream is finally sold at stadiums, then Pujols might not be the same player, but we’ll cross that hovercraft when we come to it.  The bigger issue with Pujols, is where is everyone else playing?

The Angels have enough non-abled bodies to make a kick-ass Rock N Jock softball team.  They should sign Meatloaf!  First up, Kendrys Morales and his non-bionic leg.  Since Kendrys has been pulling a Kotchman for the last two years, there’s a chance he doesn’t even make it out of the gate, but I think we have to assume he does play in April and slots in as the DH.  Maybe Pujols gives the DH slot a little how’s your father every couple of weeks, but he’s playing the field.  Next up, Mark Trumbo and his promising future is either being moved to third base or platooning with Kendrys.  For fantasy, a move to third would be great, terrific, synonym.  But this is the Sciosciapath managing.  Ugh, I already see it getting ugly from a fantasy perspective.  I could see Scioscia playing Maicer Izturis at 3rd before Trumbo.  This is not good.  If Trumbo loses 150 at-bats without gaining 3rd base eligibility, his value goes out the metaphorical window. Then you have an even worse shituation in the outfield.  Bourjos has to play center.  Glove is too valuable.  Angels have already committed to him.  Turning back now on him would be a huge mistake/surprise/Mad Libs in something.  Plus, Bourjos is just the kind of player Scioscia loves.  So there’s two spots left for Vernon Wells, Bobby Abreu and Torii Hunter.  That’s awesome if you’re putting together a 2004 All-Star Game team.  BUT WHAT ABOUT MIKE TROUT?!  I know, Al Caps.  I hate teams and their casual lack of regard for rookies.  I’m afraid to report to you, Mike Trout’s not seeing time until 2013.  My Mike Trout 2012 fantasy is missing one caveat — what happens if they sign Albert Effin’ Pujols?  My guess is their outfield is gonna be Hunter, Bourjos and Wells with Abreu platooning in the outfield and at DH.

To recap for fantasy, Pujols is fine, Bourjos is fine, Trumbo is fine if he can play 3rd which seems unlikely, Kendrys is fine if he’s healthy, Abreu is not fine, Mike Trout is not fine.  Ideally, the lineup will look like this:  1. CF Bourjos 2. 2B Kendrick 3. 1B Pujols 4. RF Hunter 5. 3B Trumbo 6. DH Morales 7. LF Wells 8. C Iannetta 9. SS Aybar.  That’s what you’re hoping for if you have Trumbo in a keeper, at least.  Anyway, here’s some more Winter Meeting moves and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – More fall out from Pujols’s signing has Berkman moving to first base.  Might keep his legs a little fresher, but the loss of Pujols from the lineup sorta leaves a foul odor on the whole team no matter how fresh someone’s legs are.  Mike Matheny’s mother, “You’re gonna manage a World Series team?!  That’s so amazing!  Wait until I tell your Uncle Morty!”  Uncle Morty Matheny, “Pujols is gone!  He lost his whole team, Marilyn!”  That’s the Matheny’s over the holidays.  Allen Craig stands a shot of inheriting a starting job, but he has to get healthy first.  Right now, he’s out 4-6 months from knee surgery.  That leaves…um…uh…Skip Schumaker?  Okay, team’s a slight mess, but everyone loves an underdog, except Dr. Simon Bar Sinister.

Alex Gonzalez – Signed on with the Brewers.  But how about Pujols signing with the Angels?!  All right, enough of that.  You know who has a sad emoticon for the Alex Gonzalez signing?  Yuniesky Betancourt.  “But I could’ve done the same as Gonzalez with two less homers!”  That’s Yuniesky as he watches the Brewers throw his bags out on the curb.  Gonzalez is not someone you intend to ever have on your fantasy team, except once a year when he’s hot and hits a few homers in a week.

Ian Stewart – Mini Mini Donkey rises from the ashes!  Brays to Theo Epstein!  Maybe a change a scenery can fix what ails Stewart, though is there any record of a change of scenery ever fixing anything?  Isn’t that the oldest cliche about how you can’t run from your problems?  I mean, I may not be smart enough to run a major league club, but I am smart enough to pay attention to what a freakin’ fortune cookie tells me.

Nolan Arenado – Stewart leaving opens the door in Colorado for a possible Nolan Arenado infusion.  He will get a post all to himself next week, unless the Rockies sign someone else.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Tyler Colvin – Went to the Rockies in exchange for Stewart.  This trade is like when you order something gross and your friend has something unappetizing and you switch plates.  Hey, people have different tastes!  Though usually your friend’s entree is nasty too.  During last year’s preseason, Matthew Berry said Colvin would hit 40 homers.  Maybe Berry’s a time traveler and got his years confused and now that Colvin is in Coors he’ll hit 40 homers.  Or maybe he’ll platoon as a 4th outfielder, hit 15 homers and bat .230.  You just don’t know until they play the games.  Though if Berry’s a time traveler, it would help explain why he’s still recycling jokes from the early 90′s.

Ed Wade’s Toupee has made it clear that he’s trying to move Hunter Pence in a trade.  Why would the Astros want to hold onto their best player?  He just gives his fans false hope.  False hope is worst than no hope.  See every movie John Singleton’s done since Boyz n the Hood for examples of what hope can do to you.  Awesome, the guy who did Boyz n the Hood is gonna remake Shaft.  No, not awesome.  Terrible.  Thanks a lot, false hope!  Speculation has Pence going to Atlanta, Philly or the Red Sox.  Speculation has me excited to own Pence.  Shoot, speculation sounds like salvation for Pence.  If Pence were a car, I’d put on him a bumper sticker, “Anywhere but Houston.”  His RBIs haven’t suffered as much as you might think considering where he is, but it can only get better.  And his runs, his lineup protection, potentially his ballpark.  I like it.  It’s a win-win-maybe win scenario.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kosuke Fukudome – The Indians acquired the Japanese OF to help fill the void left by Korean OF Shin-Soo Choo.  Hopefully Fukudome doesn’t get hurt or else they may bring in a Taiwanese Little Leaguer.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled.  Still plenty of time to reach the 40 homer prediction of Matthew Berry.  Go big or go home!

Drew Storen – Rumors are saying that the Nats weren’t willing to trade Drew Storen for Denard Span.  And they shouldn’t.  It’s not that important to save money on monogrammed bathrobes.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-5.  It should be a day of celebration for Zimmerman’s owners so it’s too bad I’m about to point out he has 5 homers and 20 RBIs on the year.  As Mattingly would say as Morganna ran toward him, “What a bust.”  Speaking of which, in the 80′s we had casual female nudity in movies and random hot girls running on the baseball field. Then in the 90′s we got no nudity and no one running on the field.  Now, you get male nudity (don’t even start me about Friends With Benefits — why are you showing Justin Timberlake and not Mila Kunis?  Am I not the target audience? Actually, don’t answer that.) and drunk idiot guys running on the field.  Where did our country go wrong?  Can’t we get back to random naked girls in movies and goofy Loni Anderson-type girls running on the field?  Oh, and don’t look up recent photos of Loni Anderson on Google.  Her plastic surgery makes Lisa Rinna’s lips look real.

Wade Davis – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the A’s and the conshellation prize.  All five runs were given up in the first inning then he settled down, but still the last time Tampa got hammered from Oakland this bad was when MC Hammer played last month at a Tampa farmers’ market.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his first homer and fourth steal in only six games while batting .500.  After the game, he declared himself the new King of Slam & Legses, only when he said legses it didn’t sound weird because he’s perfect.

Brandon Allen – 1-for-2 with his 3rd home run and his first steal.  My man’s playing with reckless a-Brandon!  That’s 3 homers in 26 at-bats.  That’s, a’la Larry David, prettaaaaaay prettaaaaaay good.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer and 2nd steal.  I’ve been wanting to get on board with this guy for over a week now, but he’s been sitting every third game and not hitting righties well, i.e., what most pitchers are.  If you can platoon him in deeper leagues, it’s worth a flyer.

Kyle Blanks – Now 2 for his first 20 with 11 Ks.  At this point, the only way he’s going to be productive is if someone figures out a way to harness his windmill swing for electricity.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with his 8th home run.  Last time he hit a home run, it was at the tail end of a 14-for-31 streak.  This could be the start of another such run.  And, yeah, ‘another such’ sounds lame.  I’m aware.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5 with his 17th and 18th homers which is one homer behind Tulowitzki, who leads all major league shortstops.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-5 with 5 RBIs and only a single short of the cycle.  He’s nothing special on AVG/OBP but 19 HRs and 53 RBIs in the AL West (see Smoak, Moreland, and Barton) should keep Trumbo off any blacklists.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 with his 21st steal.  In the past two months, he’s hitting .255 with 7 steals.  Cust kayin’.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer or his third homer in as many games.  Butler’s cups really runneth over.

Homer Bailey – 4 IP, 9 ER.  It’s to the point where I wouldn’t own Bailey until he threw two months straight of quality starts.

Francisco Rodriguez – Since he waived his games-finished clause that would pay him $17.5 million, he hasn’t finished any games.  K-Rod backwards is dork.  Father-in-laws everywhere rejoice.

Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and he’s going to make an appearance in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell as I throw it to Lucas.

Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 with 3 runs and a steal as he stays blisteringly hot.  To point out the painful and obvious, he’s been better than Ryan Zimmerman.  Fantasy baseball, making prematurely bald men bald faster.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal.  His hitting streak is now up to 26 games.  That makes sense in opposite world where I look like Paul Walker with a mustache and girls still like mustaches.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-3 as he hit his 24th homer.  Actually, that’s not entirely true.  He started to swing and the ball flinched 375 feet the other way.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Has now hit in every game he’s started since his trade to the Tigers, which is a really nice way to say he’s hitting around .270 over the last week.

Brad Penny – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  The Tigers pitching box score sounds like a porn marquee — Penny, Furbush, Ruffin, Purcey and Coke.  All to star in Motor City Mamas.

Justin Morneau hit two homers yesterday.   Yay!  He’s not only back but he just called from the year twenty-fourteen and said he’s going to hit 30 more homers this year.  Because he’s a big, fat liar.  He lies with his home runs and his fictitious calls from the future.  There’s a stat I just made up called POOP (Players Out Of Power), where you take the fly balls a player hits and the injuries to their noggin, neck and back and you divide it by pi and Morneau gets a -7 on the POOP scale.  He can’t even do well with a made-up stat I created to make him look bad.  Well, I guess that makes sense.  And now you’re making me look stupid?!  I hate you, Morneau.  Take your dopey, fragile (hey, it’s Italian!) body and go back to Canada.  They’ll treat you for free there!  These two home runs yesterday are your last chance to sell Morneau.  Aim someone’s eyes away from the pathetic Twins offense, the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome pitching park, the Mauer-less lineup, the .299 OBP this year, the 8 homer pace and the pinched nerve in his neck that will probably shut him down in August when the Twins are eliminated and sell him!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Garfield from Parking Wars is placing a boot back on Ike’s foot because it’s not healing properly.  I think the Mets doctors went to the same med school as Steve Guttenberg in Bad Medicine.

Daniel Murphy – Just when you thought the middle infidel schmohawks would go away, here comes another one.  Murphy’s hitting near .500 over the last week and 8 for his last 14.  No power, no speed, but he’s a hot schmotato.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He was showing a backdoor curve that would give any man in The Castro a run for his money.  I honestly expected to watch Lyles and Cobb yesterday and like Cobb more, but Lyles was much more dominant.  I started him in a few mixed leagues, and will continue to do so.

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 6 ER, and it felt like he urinated on my Reggie Jackson baseball card collection.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled with Soriano headed to the DL.  I’m not sure of Colvin’s playing time, but Matthew Berry thinks Colvin can hit 40 homers.  Go big or go home!

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-4 with his 6th steal.  Bourjos should have at least 15 steals by now.  Who’s the baserunning coach in Anaheim?  Dexter Fowler?

Brett Lawrie – He left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on the hand.  Then he hashtagged a tweet later saying it was just a bruise and he’ll be fine.  Then he hashtagged he was going to see Hangover II, then he hashtagged what Logan Morrison was eating for dinner, then Logan Morrison hashtagged the word ‘dude.’  A rumor has Lawrie coming up this Friday.  Another rumor has him coming out of seedy motel with Rebecca Gayheart.

Chone Figgins – Will get a few days off to clear his head.  To clear me head, I like to put on bicycle shorts and go for a spin in my Camaro with the license plate, STACHE.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer as the lead-off hitter hit cleanup.  Guess it’ll give him more time in the on-deck circle to work on his slap bunts.

Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s it broken down to you so simple that Larry, the Cable Guy could understand it.  He’s in a tough division and he’s a rookie.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d continue to let him sit on waivers.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-2 and his 9th home run as he leads the major leagues in batting average.  Yeah, not even his parents would’ve put money on that.  And he’s a real momma’s boy.

Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I will continue to point out how I dropped him after his 2nd start of the year so at least someone can get some schadenfreude out of this.

Kelly Johnson – Another day, another home run.  BTW, doesn’t he have a name that sounds like your buddy’s sister?  “Dude, don’t invite Kelly Johnson to the party.  It’s always awkward when she’s flirting with me in front of her brother.”

Brett Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Oh.  Wait, what?  Ouch.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 17th homer and 8th steal.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Curtis Granderson is your fantasy MVP for the first two months.  Ain’t that a shin in the kicks?

Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 with his 5th home run.  Good to see he’s still playing baseball.  I had no idea.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I have a real problem when I don’t even see the six earned runs and all I see is the nine Ks.  I need help!

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday because he was warming up when the Red Sox made it a save situation.  Santos is still the closer, assuming Ozzie wakes up on the same side of the bed he has been for the last month.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4, 4 RBI and 2 homers.  I’m glad so many people dropped him.  More Danny Espinosa for me!

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Last year, a 9.45 ERA in May.  This year, more bupkis.  Like his eyes, his season comes in two shades, May and not-May.

Andres Torres – 1-for-5 with his 6th steal.  Yesterday, a homer.  Tomorrow, probably an injury.  But I’d own him while he was hitting and running.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I feel like everyone on the Giants, outside of Lincecum, I always say the same thing about — they’re not that good.   Vogelsong, really isn’t.  I swear.  Now watch as he continues to baffle hitters.

Brandon Belt – Was hit by a pitch on the wrist but the x-rays came back negative.  Bochy said Belt would miss a few days.  Days Bochy wasn’t going to play him anyway.

David Freese – Says he’s way ahead of schedule for his next setback.

Cameron Maybin – To the 15-day DL with patellar tendinitis, who was this lovely Indian chap who sat next to me in Bio 101.

Cliff Lee – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Nats.  The Adverb was far from suffixient.

Danny Duffy is much better than Stan Stuffy.  Or Brian Bruffy.  Now Gerry Guffy, well, he’s another story.  Stephen literally just went over his Danny Duffy fantasy.  He wrote it in pink highlighter while having cornrows put in his hair.  Oh, Stephen.  So what can we expect of The Duffman?  Maybe just a spot start.  Though when the Royals announced it was only a spot start they did wink, wink, nudge, nudge the Royals beat reporter.  His stuff/numbers have been dynamite this year.  The Royals should just keep him in the rotation.  I mean, who are they rushing to get back to in this rotation?  Jeff Francis?  Vin Mazzaro?  Nadir Bupkis?  No, blech and belch.  I’d grab Duffy in AL-Only and very deep mixed leagues then wait to see if he stays in the rotation.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Guerrier – Just when you thought you had the Dodgers bullpen figured out, Don Mattingly bats his long, beautiful eyelashes and brings Guerrier on for the save.  How many closers do the Dodgers have now?  I don’t know, but more the Guerrier!  What’s that circling above Dodgers Stadium?  Oh my God, it’s save vultures!  Don’t you dare peck at Vin Scully!  He’s a national treasure!  I think everyone knows how I feel about Padilla.  I think he’s crizz to the ap.  He’s not an effective closer.  Guerrier, actually, can be.  That still means to get Guerrier to five saves on the year in the City of Angels he needs a wing and a prayer.  (Pun point!)  But I would grab Guerrier if I had room and really needed saves.

David Wright – The Mets made a shocking move yesterday putting Wright on the DL a day after saying he wouldn’t need the DL.  The Mets lie, when they cry…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After having a 16:15 K:BB ratio in his previous three starts, it’s good to see him have 7 Ks and only one walk in this game.  Well, I mean, it’s good for his owners to see, I don’t own him.  Natch!  (Though I do own Pedro Alvarez… Biatch!)

Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-3 with his 11th home run.  Guess this means he’s going to now hit 10 homers in the next two games.  Well, ain’t you Prince Charles?  (Not sure what that means, but some old lady said it to me at the post office when she thought I was cutting.  Actually, it was more like, “Back of the line, Prince Charles!”)

Josh Johnson – His arm MRI came back negative, which is positive, not just in opposite world.

Rafael Soriano – To the 15-day DL with an elbow injury.  Or maybe he just didn’t like where they were planning on batting him during interleague.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Or one homer for each time Cameron Diaz calls Jeter’s name out during sex.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – To the DL.  Alfredo Aceves will take Dice-BB’s spot in the rotation.  I look forward to Alfredo throwing meatballs to Saltimbocca.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the preseason about Gio, “He went 13 innings over the 30 inning Verducci threshold last year, but Verducci’s a crackpot who told you to avoid F-Her, Latos and Josh Johnson (in 2010).  I’m sorry, but he’s throwing darts at a board.  Can we all agree to never listen to him again?  This year I expect Gio to up his K-rate from 7.67 to a mid-8 and to keep his walk rate (which isn’t great) around where it is or lower it slightly.”  And that’s me quoting me!  So far his K-rate is in the mid-8′s and his walk rate is slightly lower than where it was.  Gio is real and he’s beautiful.

John Danks – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks as his team won but he stayed at 0-6.  My Win Karma is so terrible –> Match Game refrain, “How terrible is it?” It’s so terrible that we’re in 2nd in one league, 5 points out of first and we have a one in wins.  Not only is it a one, but we have only 12 Wins, making us 5 wins away from getting 2 points.  We have 12 wins after a month and a half!  That’s two wins a week even though our ERA is 3.49!   And one day in April we got 4 wins in that league.  We have 8 wins in 41 other days of the season.  Or less than a win every five days.  In one of our NL-Only leagues, we have 22 Wins.  Sorry, that was probably only interesting to Rudy and me.

Elliott Johnson – Now has 2 homers in his last two games and three steals.  For a middle infielder, I say the same thing as Fonzie’s horse, “What the hey!”  I’d grab him just to see if this hot schmotato can keep hitting.  Keep in mind, his minor league numbers say he has very little power, but he could steal 20 bases.

Wandy Rodriguez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, but no win because Mark Melancon blew the save.  Second time in 4 games Wandy’s gone this deep into the game and lost the win.  This Wandy no decision has me feeling Melancholy.  I would’ve been Lyon about it two weeks ago.  Maybe Wandy could help ingratiate himself to the bullpen by taking them to Six Flags and buying them spray-painted t-shirts.

Mark Melancon – First, the Astros refused to name Melancon the closer, now he blows the game.  In one of my leagues, I went to the Wilton Lopez dispenser and grabbed one.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4, batting .321 and hit his 3rd homer yesterday.  Not terrible numbers, but, wow, this guy is yawnstipating.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks and his ERA is down to 2.80.  And, for whatever reason, I will still get questions on whether or not Kuroda’s worth owning.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Honestly, if he didn’t do this vs. the Mariners I was going to tell everyone to drop him.  So, now you have the good fortune of holding onto him.  Yay, you.

Jaime Garcia – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 1.64 ERA.  I could totally be remembering this wrong but I think Jaime Garcia has had a 1-something ERA two years in a row now.  Who died and made him Prince Charles?!

Roy Oswalt – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks in his return from the DL.  After the game, he said, “I felt good out there.  I was mumbo-jumboing around like a lily pad on the back of hornet’s nest.  Now where’s my tractor?!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  In a race that has captivated Razzball nation and made me want to cry, Asdrubal now leads Morneau by 6 homers.  You don’t even want to know how many RBIs Asdrubal has compared to Morneau.  Let’s just say it’s more than double.

Brian McCann – 2-for-2 with 2 homers as he hit a pinch hit homer to tie the game, then in his next at-bat he won it.  Pretty heroic stuff.  Could be McCann hinting at another presidential run.

Julio Teheran – For what it’s worth — or wurst if you’re German — after his start on Wednesday, Teheran is being sent right back down due to the Braves schedule not needing a fifth starter for two weeks.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Brought his ERA down to 4.03, next stop 3.50.  Woot, woot.

Matt Garza – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hope everyone took my advice to grab him.

Carlos Pena – 2nd day in a row with a home run.  He could hit 15 homers this month and it wouldn’t surprise me.

Tyler Colvin – Singer/songwriter, Tyler Colvin, was demoted to the minors.  As recently as last week, Matthew Berry said Colvin would hit 40 homers this year.  I kid you not.  Berry, “My motto’s go big or go home!  Maicer Izturis will be the MVP!  I go big or I go home!  Miguel Olivo will hit more homers than Miguel Cabrera!  I said it!  I go big or I go home!  I’m not saying all of these things will be true!  Or that some of them will!  Or any of them!  I go big or I go home!”

Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels.  The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names.  Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names.  (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!)  (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.)  Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves.  Seems like a Neftali-type situation.  Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney.  Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems).  By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kendrys Morales – Took BP.  Where?  To court for the oil spill?  *rereading news report*  Oh!  Batting practice.  That’s a good sign.  If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar.  No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month.

Hank Conger – Homered in his first start of the season.  Here’s what Stephen said about Conger, “He has above average bat speed and contact.  His plate-discipline is stellar but his defense is still marginal at best.  I don’t see the Angels giving him much of a chance catching.”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  Conger’s in a tough spot for playing time; Scioscia loves Mathis like a fat kid loves cake.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  This comes after Maddon announced Felipe Lopez would see time at 3rd while Longoria’s out.  Sean-Rod pissed off the baseball gods in another life because he just can’t get guaranteed playing time no matter where he is.  Oh, and on a real baseball note, the Rays don’t look good.  That is all.

Madison Bumgarner – 3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Padres.  When the only hitter you need to pitch around is Nick Hundley, you kinda should beat the team… Or at least get out of the fourth inning.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Before the game, Tony Gwynn announced the arrival of a brand new Hodgepadre.  Then Tony ate a hot fudge sundae while watching a videotape of his old at-bats.  Pretty unsexy name, but the Harangutan is worth starting at home in every league until he no longer is.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Before you run out and pick him up, this was against the team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together that is currently 0-4.

Mike Stanton – Pinch hit yesterday, but is supposedly not starting until Friday with his hamstring strain.  The real sad emoticon in this whole thing is he had leg issues in the spring so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue the whole year.

Gaby Sanchez - 2-for-5, hitting .444 on the year.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams head just yet, but he’s hitting well.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not Dirty Sanchez, it’s not Filthy Sanchez, it’s Unsanitary Sanchez.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his first homer and he’s hitting .364.  Member when you wouldn’t draft him because he wasn’t playing in Spring Training?  Oh, you.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks, now hitting .154.  I’d say he’s not hitting righties, but he’s not hitting lefties either.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays.  What I’m thinking with McCarthy is Beane, as played by Brad Pitt, hasn’t had much luck in the last few years, so McCarthy is gonna pan out.  I think that’s confirmation bias, but I don’t feel like going to Wikipedia to look it up.  Either way, that’s a marginal ‘keep your eye on him, but don’t pick him up yet.’  (Sorry, you now have to read the rest of this with one eye.)

Conor Jackson – 2-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  He’s like totally recovered from Valley Fever, as if.  BTW, he’s a backup outfielder as of right now.  Yes, a team is very good when they have a backup outfielder batting third.  /sarcasm

Brian Fuentes – Out with a blister.  The A’s manager hopes Fuentes can go Wednesday.  Fantasy managers that own Fuentes aren’t sure what to hope for.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-5 with his first homer (in possibly 4 years, or maybe it just feels that way).  After he hit the home run, fireworks went off… In my heart.  He’s batting third and hitting; ask questions later, just pick him up.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5.  Whoopie-doo, I know.  But he stole his 2nd base.  Last year, it took him until May 29th to steal his 2nd base.  Oh, it’s on.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Rudy picked him to win the Cy Young.  In the preseason, I ranked him 10th overall for all starters.  If you’re reading this, you probably own him.  Yay us!

Carlos Gomez – Benched for Nyjer.  And that’s how quickly a major league manager can realize a player sucks at baseball.   Oh, well.

James McDonald -  4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I gotta be honest, my heart wasn’t fully into this guy as a potential late round bargain.  Pirates pitchers are arghuably the worst in baseball from 1 through 5.  In most competitive leagues, I’d hold McDonald for another start, but start making other plans.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m eating whatever Dave Duncan is cooking.

Cole Hamels – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Drop him!  I keed.  He had a 5.28 ERA last April and still ended the year with a 3.06.  As they say in Vegas about the shoe, you gotta deal with it.

Chris Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was so cute the way the giraffes at the Bronx Zoo all gathered around the TV to watch this start.  I liked Young when he pitched for the Padres, and Metco isn’t that bad, but his fastball has been trending down for four years and he works up in the zone.  9 baserunners in 5 and a third like yesterday isn’t great.  You can pick him up, I wouldn’t.  I.e., You do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll be fine.

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I believe Josh Tomlin was a child actor on an 80′s sitcom.  I wouldn’t pick him up, Willis.

Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sticking with the newly established Josh theme, I don’t love Beckett to bounce back from last year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Uncle Barry was babysitting the baby bears and they went wild.  BTW, Barry Enright vs. Andrew Cashner sounds like a match-up in the Greater Westchester County Dental Tennis league.

Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Pitched beautifully until he left the game with tightness in his shoulder.  Accidentists happen.

Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer of the year.  It’s about time!  Oh, wait, it’s less than a week into the season.  Eh, you probably dropped him already.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Another pitcher I told everyone and their pedophile uncle to draft.  Hope you had the peanuts to start him in Coors.

Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 with his first homer and he’s hitting .444 on the year.  I saw someone ask the other day in the comments if they should drop him.  Didn’t you just draft him?

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not bad vs. Texas.  But, hey, listen, he’s a rookie, it’s not going to be all peaches and cream in the champagne room every start out.

Willie Bloomquist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Justice has been served!

Juan Miranda – 1-for-3.  Kirk Gibson announced Miranda would get the majority of the starts to see what they have in him.  Finally, a manager that makes a smart decision.  Miranda’s worth a flyer in leagues 14+ to see if he can not only stick but make good on some of his promise.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4, I wish Justin and B.J. had a brother named Wes.  Wesssssupppppton!

Mark Teixeira – His fourth homer.  He attributed his newfound early season success to not sleeping since last October.  This message was sponsored by Red Bull.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A… O… A’ight!  He left with a blister.  Probably because he was throwing heat.  He won’t be in the rotation for long, but you have my permission to grab him while he is.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs.  I think I heard mumblings in the forums or the comments or somewhere that Aaron Hill is already a bust.  Um, they’ve only played four games and he’s hitting cleanup for the 1927 Blue Jays.  Chillax.

Jose Bautista – Out because of a personal matter.  I’m guessing he’s in Russia killing people for Ben.