You remember when I started these top twenty 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. We were over-the-internet friends still. Then we had that disagreement about where I ranked Matt Kemp and I said I’m sorry, and you called me a stupid, what-and-what. We were younger then, with our whole month of January in front of us. Now, here we are at the top 80 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball and there’s only one more hitter post ranking to come, unless you count the DH’s, but DH’ing is for sissies and guys nicknamed after animals. All of the rankings are under the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings thing-a-ma-whosie. If you’d like, I can list each one of them again. Maybe soon. After you apologize for saying mean things about my Cougar, who I proposed to yesterday. Sorry, four girl readers, I’m off the market for at least the next 47 months, according to the National Council of Family Values. Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball:
61. Coco Crisp – This tier started in the top 60 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball. This tier ends at Rasmus. I called this tier, “Some power and not incredible speed equals yawnstipating over the course of a season.” You know what Coco Crisp is good for? SAGNOF and a balanced breakfast. Cerealiously. 2013 Projections: 68/8/44/.272/35
62. Adam Eaton – When I wrote my Adam Eaton 2013 fantasy, I was dancing around in my underwear to a Bob Seger song. Wil Myers has the hype (and talent), but for redraft leagues this is where I’m sinking all of my rookie hitter love. I know I called this tier yawnstipating, but my nether-loins are a bit jazzed about Eaton and Martin. 2013 Projections: 75/7/45/.270/25
63. Leonys Martin – I already went over my Leonys Martin 2013 fantasy. I wrote it in umeboshi plum-colored lipstick. I will also put a little rookie nookie here too in redraft leagues. 2013 Projections: 85/12/50/.280/17
64. Lorenzo Cain – On top of the potent (not terrible?) Royals lineup is Cain. The Tongan who’s good with balancing a checkbook, Irving Falu, and the chicken man, Jarrod Dyson, are there to step in when Cain once again fails to live up to expectations and gets hurt. Seriously, I could just link to my Cain sleeper post from last year. It still applies. It just needs a giant asterisk. Actually, it’s just a giant healthrisk. Hello, clever, what’s your name?! 2013 Projections: 77/17/54/.272/20
65. Colby Rasmus – I’m half expecting Blue Jays fans to be chanting “Let the Gose loose” by the All-Star break, forcing Rasmus to the bench. I also could see Rasmus hitting for more power than other guys in this tier, but he won’t steal as many bases or hit for a terrific average without luck. The good news is this will be the last time he’ll be ranked anywhere if he disappoints again, more because he won’t have a starting job next year. Hmm, that’s the bad news too. 2013 Projections: 69/21/74/.242/8
66. Alfonso Soriano – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Ross. I call this tier, “Your grandfather’s younger brother’s fantasy outfield.” The projections for this tier will more than likely be better than the next tier. The names are more familiar. But when you’re this deep into the outfielders, you’re better off taking a flyer on upside. So let someone else grab Soriano and jump down a tier. Soriano had a huge bounce back year in 2012. That’s cool. Jump in your DeLorean, go back to March 2012 and draft him. And, while back there, tell Kanye not to date Kim and listen to his own lyrics, “She was suppose to buy your shorty Tyco with your money, she went to the doctor got lypo with your money, she walking around looking like Michael with your money.” Oh crap, I just realized I gotta split the nickel Razzball makes every day with Cougs. I’m down to two and a half Lincolns, which still sounds better than two and a half hours of Lincoln. 2013 Projections: 54/23/74/.254/5
67. Ryan Ludwick – When he re-signed with the Reds, here’s what I said, “Across the board, 2009 looks to be Ludwick’s true talent level: 63/22/97/.265/4. He’s nowhere near the 37-homer guy that he was in 2008, and he’s not as bad as the Petco-fueled 13-homer, .237-hitting guy in 2011 when it looked like Ludwick was decomposing. (pun point!) Last year, he went 53/26/80/.275 in Great American. Depending on where he bats in the order (I have my arthritic fingers firmly crossed that Frazier bats clean-up), Ludwick should be good for around those stats again.” And that’s me quoting me! 2013 Projections: 57/24/77/.267/1
68. Corey Hart – He will be out for the first two months-plus. Hart’s projections are at the top 20 1st basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball.
69. Jason Kubel – It was a tough call deciding if Kubel or Ross should be ranked here. All hundred of my monkeys that type up these rankings fretted for many bananas… Hours, Ling-Ling, hours?! Not bananas! 2013 Projections: 62/22/81/.248/1
70. Cody Ross – Here’s an overheard conversation the Diamondbacks’ front office had this offseason: Kevin Towers, “Guys and one girl we hired out of our binder, we’ve looked over all the data and it says we should trade our best player, Justin Upton– Yes, Phil?” “Sir, our supercomputer actually says don’t trade Justin Upton.” “Well, too late. Next this no-human-brains-needed supercomputer told us to trade our best pitching prospect, Trevor– Yes, Phil?” “Actually, it no longer says that either.” “I told you to update that computer back in November.” “Sorry, sir, I read some bad reviews about the new Windows supercomputer operating system.” “Well, what does it say to do with this team now?” “It says we should acquire another player that is exactly like Jason Kubel.” “But the Reds already signed Ryan Ludwick.” “Hmm… Maybe Cody Ross is a good 2nd option.” “The seamstress?” 2013 Projections: 78/22/58/.260/3
71. Dayan Viciedo – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Young. This tier is called, “Well, we’re pretty deep here, how much upside were you expecting?” Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first. Viciedo only had a 31.3% FB rate (around that of Jemile Weeks); he had a 16.4% infield fly ball rate (7th worst in the majors, around guys like Uggla and Carlos Pena, i.e., it’s not easy to hit for a decent average when you’re popping up everything); he had a 20.5% HR/FB rate, which is high and… Wait, are there any positives here? Well, as the tier name said… We are deep. 2013 Projections: 60/22/72/.249/1
72. Delmon Young – Let’s get the bad news out of the way first. Young may not be ready for Opening Day and he sucks at life and baseball. Okay, the good news is he’ll be in a good hitting park in Philly and he has pudgy cheeks which will help him dress up as Gary Coleman for Halloween. So, there’s not too many positives, but…. What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Delmon?! 2013 Projections: 66/16/71/.274/2
73. Brandon Moss – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Bourjos. I call this tier, “Value for homers and steals, no value for counting stats, you need to platoon.” I already went over my Moss projections on the top 20 1st basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball.
74. Domonic Brown – I don’t think Charlie Manuel will ever give Domonic Brown an everyday job for a full year, but Manuel did say, “Sassafrass my crickets! Has some lunkhead been eating my special ju-ju straws?” I have no idea what that means, but Brown should platoon with Mayberry Jr. 2013 Projections: 54/13/62/.268/8
75. John Mayberry Jr. – I imagine there will be a time in the near future when I’m telling everyone to pick up Mayberry. Then a time in the near future after that near future when I’m telling everyone to drop Mayberry. Then a time in the near future after that second near future when I’m telling everyone there was a time in the near past when you should’ve dropped him, but now’s the time to pick him up again. 2013 Projections: 49/16/63/.253/2
76. Drew Stubbs – I’m a sucker for Stubbs. Feel free to go ahead and skip through to the comments and tell me I’m a damn fool. I just get all moogly-boogly when looking at a guy that can easily give you a 15/40 season. It’s my cross to bear. Or bare, if you’re a religious nudist. Unfortunately, the addition of Bourn hurts his value. There’s just so much SAGNOF to go around. 2013 Projections: 54/14/55/.244/31
77. Krispie Young – On one hand, it doesn’t make any sense to bench a 25/25 guy against righties. On the other hand, Billy Beane’s new OBP is platooning. On the third lesser known hand that is actually a Venus Fly Trap disguised as a hand, if Young only faces lefties his counting stats are going to take a huge hit but his average might be about normal. In 394 ABs vs. lefties in his career, he has 20 homers and a .272 average. 2013 Projections: 31/17/42/.262/9
78. Tyler Colvin – If there’s one guy in these twenty outfielders that could break out in a big way, it’s Colvin. But if he does, it’s going to have to come at the expense of someone else. Preferably Helton finally hanging up his cleats, putting on some flip-flops and getting on the next season of Survivor. Or an injury to Fowler, Cuddyer or CarGo. Unless you own them, then it would be bittersweet. More sweet than bitter. More bitter than sweet. Bitter then sweet. Sweet then bitter. As Big Head Todd Helton would sing. 2013 Projections: 52/15/59/.267/5
79. Peter Bourjos – All signs are pointing to Bourjos getting the everyday job. All signs did not read the handwritten manifesto by the Sciosciapath titled, “Where The Upside Things Are (On My Bench).” 2013 Projections: 55/11/61/.249/20
80. Wil Myers – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball. I call this tier, “‘Not If But When’ isn’t just something I read in a fortune cookie, it’s also a tier name.” I already went over my Wil Myers 2013 fantasy, then I went over a different Wil Myers 2013 fantasy when he was traded. There’s interesting points made in both. Don’t worry, all points are rounded so you don’t hurt yourself. I got slightly daffy with myself when he was traded to the Rays, thinking he would start the year in the majors. The Rays pretty much said I was drunk on stupidity and they’d let him start the year in the minors. So the first Wil Myers 2013 fantasy is more applicable for projections, but less applicable for team specifics, and vice versa on the 2nd Wil Myers 2013 fantasy. Confused yet? Cool, me too. I think Will’ll be up at the beginning of June. 2013 Projections: 40/18/50/.280/5
