Fantasy Baseball Advice

There’s just over a week left on the season. Really, at this point, anything goes in non-keeper leagues. If you don’t need home runs because the schmohawk right behind you is 12 home runs away, but you desperately need steals, why are you still carrying Adam Dunn? You waiting for his speed to come around? Pickup some steals. All you need is two saves to gain a point and you’re sitting on excess starters? Punt! Pickup some possible closers. Of course, you need to think about what the other fluffernutters in your league are doing? Are they going to snatch up your John Lackey as soon as you drop him? Then maybe you shouldn’t drop him. You need to suck every point out of your standings. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Ryan Shealy - He was a prospect in the Rockies organization. Stuck behind Helton (<–’Member him? Nah, me neither.) then he finally saw the Light of Day (<–top five Michael J. Fox drama. Easily. Check out the mullet.) in Kansas City… Wait, with all of these parentheticals I don’t even know what I’m saying. Oh, yeah, Shealy! Might stay hot for the last week of the season. You care if you win with Conor Jackson or Ryan Shealy? Didn’t think so.

Taylor Teagarden - A catching Kevin Maas or Mike Piazza’s catcher? The Legend of Taylor Teagarden grows. He’s haunted!

Pablo Sandoval - I can’t tout Chubb Rock any more than I have. He’s not heavy, he’s my catcher.

Chris Iannetta - Hopefully, the Rox will move Torrealba in the offseason and give the the kid the full-time gizz-ig.

Mark Teahen - Good month for guy’s whose last names start with Tea-.

Scott Lewis - You know those lookout machines at tourist attractions that you have to put money in to see through? A company that manufactures them should have the same motto as Scott Lewis, “Worth a look.” (BTW, that was the longest setup ever.)

Sean Gallagher - Gets the Mariners next, which brings me to this…

Any Pitcher Facing the Mariners, Nots, Padres, Pirates - This list of pitchers will get longer next week because as teams are eliminated or clinch they might sit their vets. For instance, the Sawx don’t seem that threatening when everyone’s out the lineup.

Hank Blalock - Actually, I have this schmohawk on a few teams. Yuck, I know. But when you’re (bla)locked in, you do what you do.

Aaron Cunningham - Nice combination of power and speed. So far in his audition with the big league club, he’s received rave reviews for his spot-on portrayal of a big leaguer. Only thing that worries me is his friend, Potsie.

Asdrubal Cabrera - If I push The Dribble any more, people will call me for a travel.

Eugenio Velez - Razzball and its constituents told you to pick up this guy in March! Sure, it took him six months to get hot, but we were writing that post for our dyslexic readers that are just now reading March’s posts. Dur.

SELL

John Lackey/Josh Beckett/Scott Kazmir/Ervin Santana/Carlos Zambrano/Ted Lilly/Ryan Dempster - Are you seeing a pattern? You can add Johan, Hamels, Sabathia, Sheets, etc to this list if their team clinches.

Jeff Francis - Shut. Down.

B.J. Upton - Turning down a BJ? I know! Eh, the Rays are in the playoffs and they need Upton for that. He’s probably going to be babied this last week.

Yunel Escobar - I can’t imagine he’s on any non-keeper teams, but if he is. Well, you’re not paying attention anyway.

Justin Duchscherer - He was returning this weekend suppose. (BTW, the “dly” on supposedly seems completely unnecessary and I’m done with it. ) But he got shutdown, as I mentioned this morning.

Rickie Weeks - I mentioned this morning Weeks is dead to Sveum.

Manny Parra - Get out of my streamers and get into my bullpen car!

Carlos Lee is hurt. Bad. He broke his left pinkie finger sending him to the DL. This also can’t be good for his Dr. Evil impersonation. Chances are he won’t be back this year. I’ve gone ahead and cut him in a 15-team league. Currently, my Carlos Lee replacement is Mike Cameron/Austin Kearns. Mike Cameron’s been hot and… I can’t even justify Austin Kearns, though he did hit a home run yesterday. This hurts everyone in the Astros lineup and their pitching staff, which will now receive even less run support. Too bad, because, with that Randy Wolf acquisition, they were really looking like legit contenders for fifth place in the Wild Card standings. Now the Braves might have their number. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carl Crawford - The other “Carl loss” is our good friend, Carl Crawford. Looks like it was a bad year to predict he would finally show some power. However, it was a good year for me to trade him for Ryan Braun about two months ago. Phew. The right hand injury that forced Carl Crawford to the DL could force him out of action for the rest of the season. I would not drop Crawford just yet, because he thinks he’ll be back in 15 days. We’ll see. This opens up a spot for Rocco Baldelli to get quickly injured, Cliff Floyd to throw a tantrum and Gabe Gross to pickup the pieces. Hopefully you have different options than the Rays.

Chris Carpenter - Right triceps strain. At the best, gone for a start. At the worst, gone ’til March. You shouldn’t have been counting on Carpenter for much anyway.

Brad Lidge - Complaining of a sluggish shoulder. Hopefully no one puts salt on it. (Get it? Cause if you put salt on a slug…Oh, forget it.) Ryan Madson got the save yesterday. Chad Durbin got the save on Saturday. Probably will be some combination of the two (or even JC Romero, if the matchup is right) that will fill-in for Lidge. If this doesn’t turn into a 15-day DL stint for Lidge, I’d be shocked. If the Phillies push him through, it could turn into a “Lidge hopes to be ready for spring training”-type deal.

Orlando Hudson - Will need season-ending surgery to fix a dislocated wrist. If you were counting on O-Dog for anything, you have bigger fish to fry. This boosts Conor Jackson’s value a bit because he’ll be inserted into the three hole on a regular basis. Looks like Upton will have to find someone else to carry him around.

Aaron Harang - 4 IP, 8 ER. Good to see him pickup right where he left off.

Scott Rolen - Placed on the DL with a sore shoulder that has caused him problems in the past. Unless you’re in a league that only used aging vets that are drafted on name recognition alone, you probably didn’t have Rolen anyway. And, if you’re in a league like that, grab Aurilla. He’ll suit you just fine.

Cliff Lee - 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 K. The C. Lee that didn’t break any hearts this weekend.

Mike Hampton - 4 IP, 6 ER. After the game, he didn’t say, but should have said, “I sucked, but that shouldn’t surprise you.”

Todd Helton - If you just read his name and said to yourself, “Oh, wow! I totally forgot Todd Helton existed.” You’re not alone. Helton had a minor setback and now might not return this season.

Carlos Quentin - HR yesterday. 10th since the All-Star Break. Making a strong case for AL MVP and being pretty overvalued next year.

Manny Parra - 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks vs. the Nats. Ah, to pitch against the Nats, if only you weren’t followed by Backne. Parra, “Hey, Billingsley, I saw Kuo blew your lead–” “Actually, Alyssa Milano is blowing my lead right now.”

Fernando Rodney - Got the save yesterday, but the Tigers made it a five run game in the bottom of the 8th so it wasn’t a traditional save. As to who would get the ball in a traditional save opportunity, whoever Leyland wants to point his yellow-stained finger towards. My guess is Rodney, Zumaya and Farnsworth, in that order.

Huston Street - Not sure how far down the depth chart Street’s fallen? He entered the 5th inning  yesterday and gave up 3 runs. Joey Devine might get a save before Street. (BTW, Street only had 18 saves in three quarters of the season. You gotta ask yourself how badly do you want those other five saves he might get.)

Lastings Milledge - Hit another HR yesterday. Has 5 HRs in the last ten games. Might give Mike Cameron a run for the least owned 20/20 man in the history of fantasy baseball.

Emilio Bonifacio - 0-for-6 and nary a hit all weekend. I’m giving him until the end of the week and then will reevaluate. To try and jumpstart Bonifacio, I’m wearing a rally merkin (Weird Thing of the Day) on my head.

Harnessing the pitching brilliance of Native Americans and intergalactic tubbies, Joba Chamberlain appeared to be the savior the Yankee fans, Girardi and Hankenstein needed for their pitching staff. So it was a terrific blow when Joba Chamberlain left yesterday’s game rubbing his shoulder. The only thing worse would be if Joba hurt it in a fight with The Drunken Ghost of Billy Martin. (Fortunately, he’s in a cloud lined with sawdust, boozing it up with Mickey Mantle.) Fantasy baseball owners can’t be thrilled either. Pitcher leaves game rubbing shoulder? Fantasy baseball owner leaves seat walking funny. It’s too bad they can’t trade for Jar Jar on the Braves. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cliff Lee - I figured since I hadn’t watched him in over two months, it was time to jinx him. I was so close in the 2nd when I got him to walk a few and load the bases. Alas, he pitched well in every other inning. Never fear, non-Cliff Lee owners, I will grab him like some friggin’ floating astronaut and drag him back to earth.

C.J. Wilson - Wilson says he’s feeling fatigued, maybe he got mono from a Kotchman open-mouth kiss. Either way, Eddie Guardado should be owned in all leagues because he would step in if C.J. pulls a Prince Valium.

Jason Bartlett - Won’t be able to throw a baseball for a few days, maybe Kotchman kissed his hand.

Kerry Wood - Word out of Wrigleyville is Wood can close again, but he’s going to get a bit of work in the middle innings then move into the closing role by the end of the week.

Gil Meche - Everyone mocked KC for signing him to that ridiculous contract but who’s dancing now.  That’s right.  Good ol’ Gil.  9 Ks in a 6 IP win against the Sox.  10-9 for an awful team - including 9-5 with a 3.27 ERA since May.

Ryan Zimmerman - Zimmerman says he should be able to avoid the DL with his bruised hand, so he can just clog up your bench instead.

Eric Chavez - Shut down for the year.  Maybe they could build a healthy 3B out of the spare parts of Chavez and Blalock?  Those A’s don’t have a long shelf life, do they?  Mulder, Hudson, Chavez, Byrnes… Who’d have thought Harden and Giambi would be the poster children of durability?

Jay Bruce - 3 HRs in 4 games.  That’s the Bruce we know and love.  He obviously idolized Griffey Jr. and was emulating the current version.  Now that he’s out of Cincy, he’s back to emulating the 90’s version.

Bronson Arroyo - 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  This on the heels of Zito besting Peavy yesterday.  Guess it’s premature for both to retire and start a rock trio with Slow Hand Pete called Baked Zito and the Republic of Bro-Yo, featuring Slow Hand Pete.

Roy Halladay - 8 IP, 1 ER. Queue the projector.  It’s time for another installment of Out of Contention Run For Cy Young in Toronto. (see Clemens, Hentgen, Halladay…)

Tyler Yates - Third of an inning, 5 ER. This works out to a 135 ERA, 15 WHIP and 1 less closer on all of my teams.

Manny Parra/Prince Fielder - Hit hard by the Reds, hit harder by Fielder in the dugout. I haven’t seen anything this lopsided since Andre took on this guy. “Stop talking about meat and I mean it!”

Pudge (<—this nickname wasn’t always ironic) was traded to the Yankees for Kyle Farnsworth, a cuddle boy if there ever was one. This moves yawnstipates me from a fantasy perspective. Farnsworth should not take over as closer, but that does not mean he won’t take over as closer. I think it’s still Rodney, with Zumaya and Farnsworth battling over holds. Did I take a flier on Farnsworth in any leagues? Of course, I did. I’m like Pookie from New Jack City and saves are my crack. It didn’t help anyone’s cause that Rodney blew a save last night. It pains me to say this, but I don’t think Farnsworth is as far out of the closer picture as he should be. Though the Tigers may still go after Street or another reliever. As for the Yankees, I-Rod is reunited with A-Rod. Now they just need to find a really manly looking woman and have a menage-a-trois. Pudge is better than The Oldest of the Catching Molina Brothers and Chad Moeller (though I will miss him on my Razzball team. Hopefully Josh Bard can pull his dead weight.). Pudge waived his no-trade clause for the opportunity to let the NY Media figure out ways to blame him for the Yankees inevitable early exit from the playoffs. I say if Pudge didn’t want to be in Detroit, Tigers fans should be glad to get rid of him. Pudge will probably bat towards the bottom of the Yankees lineup and do pretty much what he was doing for the Tigers. This does little to his value. Who this trade really affects fantasy-wise is Brandon Inge. Rudy became (very mildly) giddy to pickup Inge in one league. As he put it, “.240 and 20 HRs at 3rd is George Foster-ugly. That at catcher, I’ll take it and like it.” Well said, Rudy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Manny Ramirez - Traded to Marlins? Perhaps. Manny in Florida makes the NL East more fun. (And if you’re an AL fan, trust me, the NL East is already fun. Hanley, Wright, Howard, Utley, Reyes, Brian Schneider, the list goes on) The Sox supposedly want Bay. They nixed Kemp. This confuses me. Is Kemp too raw? Not enough power yet? The Sox have become the Yankees and they can’t wait longer than one winter for a player to fully mature? Can’t be, Manny still hasn’t matured. Either way, Manny anywhere is Manny being Manny. You can’t mess with his head cause he’s like Robert DeNiro in Awakenings. Manny, you’re wearing a pancake on your head. Yeah, so? As for Bay in Boston, this has the upside of a better lineup, but Bay seems like too much of a thinker and Boston could get in his head. I’m 50/50 on whether this is a boon or bust for Bay if it happens. You make the call!

Tim Hudson - Dr. Grisly Andrews says Hudson’s going on his Xmas card list under the category, “Tommy John recipients.” Drop Hudson, if you haven’t yet. Unless you’re stockpiling for 2010, when we will be taking flying cars to our fantasy baseball drafts. Mark my words!

Dioner Navarro - I figured since I mentioned Pudge and Inge, I may as well throw a Razz-bone to Dioner. It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned him. Regular readers now I loved him back in May when he first returned from the DL. Well, he’s still hitting .300, but, honestly, this is like a Keppinger .300. I think Yunel excited me more– Scratch that, I think Mini-Me’s sex tape excited me more. The only positive is Dioner is a poor man’s Mauer at an eighth of the price. Yawnstipating at best. I would consider an Inge look if you’re okay at average.

Kelly Shoppach - 2 HRs. If you’re keeping score at home. Shoppach 11 HRs, VMart 0. If I had access to the government’s time machine (and they have one!), then I’d go back in time to March 2008 and draft Shoppach as the first catcher off the board in every league just so I can see my leaguemates’ looks. (I’d still draft Rios in the third round. I’m a slacker like my father!)

Alexi Casilla - Done for the year. Just as he was on his way to the coveted 5/5 club. There’s always next year!

Huston Street - 1 ER and the loss. Somehow he’s still an Athletic and uninjured. Sometimes you roll snake eyes and sometimes you roll your eyes.

Bobby Abreu - 2 HRs and batting .400 since the All-Star break. Next year you’ll look at 2008’s stats which will be 20/20/.310 and you’ll have no idea how Abreu did that last year, so you’ll refuse to draft him again. Then next year, he’ll get 20/20/.310 and you’ll have no idea how he did that, so the following year… Do you see where this is going?

Carlos Pena - 1-for-4, HR. As I said in the rankings of top 100 for the 2nd half, Pena coul actually put up decent numbers. He hit 7 HRs in July. The most HRs for any month this season.

Rocco Baldelli - Set to come off the DL this weekend. However, last time he was due to return, he stubbed his toe on his DL history and broke his foot, or some shizz. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.

Adam Wainwright - Had a setback in his bullpen session and now won’t go on his rehab assignment until August. Guys, bad news, I don’t think we’re seeing Wainwright until September at the earliest and maybe not at all.  The mouth on the lefthand side of the screen says, “Contingency.” The mouth on the righthand side says, “Plans.”

Chad Billingsley - Shutout, 8 Ks. I said a while back that he was my very early 2009 Cy Young prediction. Unfortunately, now he’s gone and made himself look too good and he’s not going to be a bargain at all next year. Oh, well.

Cliff Lee - 5 IP, 6 ER. I’m under contractual obligation to only mention when he pitches poorly. Something I signed at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.

Shane Victorino - HR yesterday. Now has one more than Alexis Rios. I’m so keen-o on Shane Victorino…

Dan Uggla - HR yesterday. Member this dude? In May, he was so going to bat .400 and hit 50 HRs. Member that? Yeah, he hit .145 in July and .122 after the All-Star game. cough Told ya so. cough

Brandon Inge - Hit a HR. Pudge is gone and now you got a fatty for Inge.

Ben Francisco - 2 HRs and 4-for-7. Still batting third for the Indians. Yeah, the Indians collapsed this year. Hafner and VMart should be forced to work one of those winter fantasy camps where the Account Manager for your company goes to play ball with Mike Pagliarulo.

Manny Parra - 5.1 IP, 5 ER, Had a 3.05 Home ERA coming into today’s start. Then the Cubs happened.  I like Parra going forward, but you have to expect bumps. If you can’t handle bumps, a rookie pitcher is not the way to go.

Chad Gaudin - 1.54 ERA in almost 14 IP. As most of youse know, I’m a big believer in solid middle relievers balancing your ratios. Gaudin can help.

Wandy Rodriguez - 4.2 IP, 6 ER. It’s like Daniel Cabrera and Oliver Perez had a son and they named him Wandy.

Ray Durham - Ray Ray started second game in the row over Weeks. From the dugout, on his cellphone, Rickie Weeks, “Hey, whatcha doing?” Giambi, “Watching Sexson strikeout.” Weeks, “Tell me about it. If they wanted a lousy 2nd basemen, they had me!” Giambi, “I know! What, I wasn’t striking out enough for them? That can be fixed. The only thing I can’t do is tall. I guess that’s what they wanted!” Weeks, “Durham’s not even tall. I don’t get it.”

What’s the ultimate slumpbuster? Some players and the Urban Dictionary would argue a fat chick. The Braves know the true answer. A weekend in Mississippi. Jeff Franceour went 7-for-13 with 2 RBIs in three minor league games before the Braves decided his mind was messed with enough and they returned him to the majors. Maybe tomorrow they’ll call Francoeur into the front office to tell him his Mom died only to then say, “Psyche!” Francouer hasn’t changed overnight. He’s a hacker who can hit, but with less power than you’d think. Assuming he gets back to form, he should hit a pro-rated 90-100 RBIs before end of the year. But there hasn’t been much in his peripherals that promise that. Worth holding onto or gambling on, but he’s definitely marked down vs. his preseason value. Anyway, here’s what we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Church - May not return this year because of persistent migraines. Perhaps his head would toughen up if Moises Alou peed on it.

Torii Hunter - His 2 HR day puts him on pace for his yawnstipating 20/20 season (22/17 to be exact). But he’s only on pace for 77 RBIs - this has more to do with the anemic Angels offense than double-i, but it’s still pretty pathetic for the AL. Didn’t Sizemore get this many last year from the leadoff spot?

Chris Davis - HR yesterday. Until further notice, I’m only starting him when he’s at home, unless it’s a short schedule day.

Manny Parra - Pitched an inning of relief in the Rockies game yesterday. I mentioned in the forums that I think it was just his throw day. Later, Suppan was put on the DL to make room in the rotation. We’re all good, gang.

Damaso Marte - Notched a save, his second. I see no reason why he can’t get to 15 saves.

Ubaldo Jimenez - Ubaldo was solid last year, if you remove a mediocre September. He looked good in his last start and he was good last night (7 IP, 3 H, 0 ER, 7 Ks). He might go on a two month stretch where he can be very usuable. He gets the Mets this Saturday.

Jack Wilson - The Dodgers “have zeroed in on Jack Wilson to replace Rafael Furcal.” Zeroed has never been more apt a description for a trade target.

Josh Johnson - Scheduled to start against the Dodgers on Thursday. Josh Johnson hasn’t pitched in so long that we’re not sure if he played Casey in Dawson’s Creek. Would Katie Holmes start him? I don’t think so.

David Ortiz - He took batting practice today. Supposedly he’ll be ready just after the All-Star break. I’d say August.

Adam LaRoche - It’s the 2nd half so it’s time for LaRoche to hit. 11 for 21 w/ 2 HR and 9 RBI in the last 7 games. Why don’t the Pirates insist he play winter ball?

Nomar Garciaparra - HR yesterday. Nomar gave Mia the game ball, but that didn’t stop her from making a scene in the parking lot when Nomar told her that he drank half a beer after the game. Not on a school night!

Adrian Beltre - As the Mariners languish in last, Beltre gets predictably hot.

Hiroki Kuroda - Ah-so this is why the Dodgers got him! Actually, he’s been solid all season aside from a few hiccups. Yesterday he pitched a one-hit, shutout.

Vladimir Guerrero - HR against the Rangers. That brings his career numbers against the Rangers to 22 HRs/.408 in 77 games. In related news, the Rangers pitching used to suck/still sucks/will suck.

Jason Varitek - Your backup AL all-star catcher! Between him and Jeter, the AL is packed with baseball IQ, a never say die attitude and you-just-can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.