Fantasy Baseball Advice

I’m just going to jump right in with this moron, or morron, as he’d spell it. First, a Karabell title, “Euphoric about Eugenio; closers, Bush, mail.” Eugenio who? Velez, the guy who should have one hand tied to the barrel of a bat so all he can do is bunt. He’s cheap speed. But so is chasing down a rock of crack with Red Bull. You wanna see helicopters? I’ll show you helicopters! Razzball pimped Velez too, back in March. Karabell’s pimping him in July. Since Karabell advised you pick him up three weeks ago, Velez has started three games. Sweet! How about giving Eric Chavez a pickup for some pop? Does anyone know why Luis Polonia’s not in Yahoo? He played baseball as hard as he pedophile’d!

Then Karabell pokes his finger around in Bush to see if it moves. There’s some life there, but how many people can you put in this schmohawk while Jeremy Guthrie is owned in 32.9% of ESPN leagues? Guthrie has 17 Quality Starts. Haren is tops in all of baseball with 19. Since he pimped out his Bush, ten runs in 19 innings. Sweet! The crux of his argument is that Bush is all right by him, but he should be played home and away by Yost. Yeah, double your trouble — literally.  Moving on before I fall into an idiotic coma.

His next post title was, “Ortiz, Chipper, Liriano, weekend watch.” David Ortiz, his choice for AL MVP (seriously, you can’t make up shizz this stupid), was predicted to absolutely go off as soon as he returned from the DL. 1 HR, 6 RBIs since his return three weeks ago. Okay, that works. Cool. Now if I can figure out how to get Matt Holliday into every other hitting spot on my team, I’ll be all set. Thanks. Then he went on to say Jeff Baker was an absolute add. “(Jeff Baker) is hardly a fluke, and the fact he’s hitting .522 since the break and .400 in the No. 2 spot in the order aren’t things suddenly about to end.” Jeff Baker is in a 3-for-36 slump and has been benched in three of the last six games. Awesome! Maybe I can slot him into my Utility slot when Ortiz isn’t playing.

I’ll leave you with this last piece of Eric Karabell anti-advice, “I would never sit Ryan Sweeney of the A’s, assuming he could stay healthy. He takes walks, hits doubles and steals bases. I’d like to see him get 500 at-bats.” Rather than have you look up his stats, I’ll just give them to you. In 272 at-bats, he is 36/3/36/.294/8. Over 500 at-bats, that makes Randy Winn seem exciting. How do I get into a league with Karabell? I can see it now, “What do you think about Ryan Sweeney for Arod?” “Hater, that sounds like a go picture!”  What an effin’ jackfruit. Until next time… Karabell, go get your shinebox!

Taking a break from my weekly rant on the droolings of Eric Karabell and just going to vent on one topic. Let’s call this column, “Open Your Vent!” Also, I want my own sidebar section like Rudy’s got for his TWIR. But that’s not what I’m venting on. That’s a side vent, if you will. Or you won’t. I don’t give a crap. You either like me or you hate me. And if I see Rudy or Grey in a dark alley sharing an ice cream cone, I wouldn’t stop to say squat, cause that’s how I do! Now turn up your anger, I’m about to open my vent!

People who draft a team, then abandon it should be taken into a San Fernando Valley warehouse and turned into a spit cup. Why are you using Yahoo or ESPN to practice your drafting? You can’t use one of the sites that are available to do Mock Drafts? There’s even a site called, Mock Draft Central! You can’t work Google to find it? What, there’s a restraining order between you and smart? Or you just get off on randomly abandoning your teams and ruining everyone else in that league’s season? How about I abandon your stupid ass in the City of God? Your head will be a fútbol, you cross-eyed, nipple sucker. You know what’s really disgraceful? Self-proclaimed fantasy experts who abandon their team in self-proclaimed expert leagues. That shows a pretty competitive streak. How about you let your kid beat you in Connect Four while you make dinner for your wife as she blows your neighbor? How about I Googlestalk your ass, move next door and fill-in for your neighbor? Too bad “Largest Vagina” isn’t a category. You and your wife could be tied for first. Now go get your shinebox!

Grey, Razzball co-founder and something-or-other, called me out yesterday, saying something like, “Hater Bell is probably wearing his fitted Malcom X hat blah blah blah and listening to Mobb Deep and blah blah blah…” If that isn’t the stupid calling the smart stupid. After he put me in Carlos Ruiz in the beginning of the year, he’s lucky I have my hands filled with ESPN’s top fantasy baseball analyst, Karabozo, and don’t have time for him. I have Miguel Olivo on one team because of you, Grey, and that’s the team I’m happy with, you WASPy-looking, Don Mattingly-impersonating, non-gully infidel! I’ll take an uzi to this blog if you step up to me one more time! Anyway, let’s see what utter crap Karabaloney cooked up that has my water boiling. This week he pretended to look at the AL bullpens, but we know he was looking at the pretty colors the sun makes when you stare at it for ten minutes straight. Ladies and Gentleman, Karabaloney:

Morrow should keep the closer job at least another month, pass Putz and save 15 games. Just don’t cut Putz, as he could end up with 15 saves as well.

Brandon Morrow has 6 saves right now for the Mariners, easily the worst team this side of the Potomac. Last week, Morrow suffered from back spasms causing him to miss some time. Morrow is pitching well, but he’s going to save 15 games in a month? The Mariners won’t win 15 games this month. Then Putz is going to return for 15 saves? Seriously, this wouldn’t make sense to a foreign exchange student who never heard of fantasy baseball or English. This is like a new level of stupid. I’m moving on before my ability to think straight is somehow hampered.

Todd Jones has a little hiccup from time to time, but we all know that, so why does a single Joel Zumaya save get everyone so excited?

Cause Todd Jones sucks. Okay, moving on.

Borowski sticks around and gets 12 more saves the rest of the way, finishing at 18.

This was written the day Borowski was removed from the job as closer. Not even the day before. I guess we’re lucky it wasn’t written the day after knowing Karabell’s reading comprehension. Erica Karabell, “Daddy, read to me The Baby-Sitter’s Club!” Eric, “Ask Mommy. Daddy’s playing tic-tac-toe with Matthew Berry.”

Look for Street to continue his success and end up with 33 saves.

Blame Karabell when Street’s traded into a setup role in a week.

Jenks is well protected by a number of pitchers who are ownable in fantasy, so leads will keep coming his way, and he’ll save 38 games.

Not even a mention that Jenks has been bothered by back pain. This pretty much confirms Jenks will continue to have problems. Prepare for Linebrink to be the closer by next week.

Hey, guys, did you know when you press seven numbers on this thing they call a “phone,” you can talk to people that aren’t in the same room as you?

Oh, wait, Karabell didn’t say that. It just seems like he should. Now get the crayons outta your mouth, Karabell, and go get your shinebox!

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Saw an article about how gas is out of control. Made me think about how you used to pop into my office to fart. I miss you. about 1 hour ago from web

EricKarabell @TristanCockcroft Love those pics you emailed me. Can’t believe the stuff they get to sit on top of cats. about 2 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BillSimmons Hey, not sure if you got my last emails, but REALLY liked your “The Mag” piece. Write back, dude! about 3 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @RobNeyer Saw that piece on Burrell. I know you follow those saber-whatchamacallits, but I think it’s too early to make a call on Burrell’s chances in the Hall. Not too many people know this, but he sacrifices his natural speed so the average fan can blink while watching him. about 4 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BusterOlney Your St. Louis Post-Dispatch link about Adam Kennedy getting a game in at first crashed my browser. about 5 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BillSimmons So I’m going to Espys… Prolly! Are U? If so, I was wondering if you wanted to hang before. I told my wife you can get us in to see a movie premiere. I want to see something funny, she wants to see anything with Ryan Gosling. Ha! about 6 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Did you really mean what you said at lunch? Because I would never say Brad Evans is a better fantasy baseball expert than you. about 7 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Okay, I just realized that you can see what I write to other people. Sorry about saying I wouldn’t give your phone number out to any attractive female. I hope she calls you! about 8 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Hello? You there? Is this about the Doumit thing? Cause there’s no hard feelings about the rankings on my end. I just thought Ryan Doumit shouldn’t have been top hundred. Hope you’re not really mad. about 9 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @JaysonStark I think Berry is mad at me. I can’t believe I even bothered to give our El Torito waitress his phone number. He said I should give it to any attractive female, but I’m not going to anymore. It’s not my fault he lost his wingman, Harold Reynolds. about 10 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry I get the sense you’re mad at me. Is this about leaving you off that El Torito Evite? It was a couples thing. about 11 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @JaysonStark Erica and I had such a good time last night at El Torito. Definitely should do it again. about 12 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry I got this great idea for a screenplay. It’s Rounders in the world of fantasy baseball. Do you think your agent would be interested? You around to discuss? about 13 hours ago from web

Looks like someone got around to translating Karabell’s Etch-A-Sketch writings into fantasy baseball advice. Unless the rumors are true that Karabell’s gone green and started simply writing his fantasy baseball advice on toilet paper. Waste not, want not. So Karabell’s latest blog post was about how unproductive DHs currently are and how this should affect the way we look at pitchers. Could Karabaloney have hit on something when he surmised from seven unproductive DHs that league disparity isn’t what you think? Yeah, he hit on my last nerve. You have to be an ESPN Hindsighter™ to fully appreciate Karabell’s mangling of common sense, but I’ll give you a few turd nuggets to mull:

…with one month down, it’s no longer so big a gap (between leagues) that we should evaluate pitchers differently. The current league ERA in the NL is 4.07, and in the AL it’s 4.23. In 2007, it was also a small difference, 4.43 to 4.51. Maybe the designated hitter isn’t such a big deal anymore, eh?

Besides, using the word ‘eh,’ there’s about four hundred things wrong with this (you don’t draft entire staffs or entire leagues, you don’t draft every single middle man that is influencing these stats, you don’t start three of five starters in Citizen’s Bank or four of five in Coors, you draft maybe one Marlins starter, maybe two Pirates starters — I could go on, but I’m getting a tumor thinking about this.). So I’m going to focus on the most obvious:

The designated hitter isn’t such a big deal, eh? Who in their right mind would prefer to face a designated hitter instead of a pitcher? Heffin’ hey, are Karabell’s posts being written by Corky for Life Goes On? Sure, Karabell could shat on a piece of paper and win a FSWA.ORG award, but to say the DH is irrelevant is stoopid. (BTW, The FSWA has a mission statement. It’s akin to someone writing down rules for Rock, Paper, Scissors. Picture the FSWA getting together for drinks. “Hey, man, I’m not paying for your second colada!” “Figured I could sneak it through… Like I snuck Wade Boggs through in ’87!” *Belly laughs all around.* But I digress.) In 2007 (I’m going to ignore 2008′s stats because, unlike maybe Karabell, those are the stats I drafted with. Not to mention, one month of stats isn’t indicative of anything other than someone who doesn’t know how to sort stats correctly), the fourteen AL teams placed in the top fifteen teams for OPS for the ninth placed hitter. The only NL team that snuck in was the Cardinals. Why? Because LaRussa, who’s cracked out of his mind, batted the pitcher eighth. So with current DHs sucking up the suck pot, does this mean it’s easier to face them than the NL pitcher? C’mon, only Karabell would think that nonsense. Or another way to put this, Karabell’s off his meds.

Then Karabell talked a bit about how awful some DHs have hit thus far. Again, it’s only one month, but we’ll let Karabell play with his Speak & Spell. Frank Thomas was on his list. The same Frank Thomas who Karabell pegged as a big sleeper. Dude, I’m telling you, you can’t make this shizz up. It’s like Karabell is not a real person but an amalgamation (Word of the Day) of whatever the interns are talking about while they pickup Kruk’s lunch.

Someone else who was in this list, David Ortiz. Now I’m not sure how I even missed this one back in March, but Karabell described David Ortiz as his pick for AL MVP! (Sorry for the exclamation point, but I felt it was needed.) A DH who has off-season knee surgery is who he chooses? Seriously, this is ESPN’s top fantasy analyst. Did he forget when Ortiz had his best seasons people wouldn’t vote for him because he was a DH? Did Karabell call in his pick from Tijuana after a night of ‘ludes and donkey shows? When he chose Ortiz, was he eating a Sonic Coney that caused him to hallucinate? Does his high school bully still torment him and was giving him a noogie until he chose Ortiz? Please, someone explain this to me, cause I’m about to lose it. Meanwhile, Karabell, go get your shinebox!