Fantasy Baseball Advice

Alex Gordon and Jeff Francoeur were shut down for the year because the peasant Royals want to give Lorenzo Cain and Jarrod Dyson a full three days to show their worth.  Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peak under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.  As for Frenchy, his line was 77/20/87/.285/22.  Oh, well, that looks pretty normal– Wait a second, 22 steals?!  Where the eff in the effhole did those come from?  His previous high was 8.  He always failed to take pitches like he needed some ADHD medicine, but now he’s running the bases like it too.  “Sorry, first base coach, whatever your name is, can’t stay at 1st, gotta run, peace!”  That’s Frenchy, and he can’t even stop for a period at the end of sentences; he only has time for commas.  He’s always been a notorious bad ball hitter.  This year Frenchy swung at 41% of balls outside the strike zone, which is actually high for him, and his percentage of balls swung at inside the strike zone was actually down.  Only thing that changed this year, he made more contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  If that stops along with his whacked out of his mind stealing, he may use 2012 to revert to his old ways, so it’ll be hard to give Frenchy my arrondissement.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce a very good friend of mine is putting on a one man show in Los Angeles.  If you go see the play, you may just run into yours truly and my significant other — my mustache.  If you can’t make it to Los Angeles or if you’re in Los Angeles but afraid to leave your house, you can buy his book.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Hey, that homer can drink legally!  After Pence sat out for three games with a sore knee, it was good to see him return, unless you had him on your bench like I did.  Sonavabench!

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 29th, 30th and 31st home runs yesterday.  For the Sox’s sake, it’s too bad he can’t pitch.

Francisco Liriano – 1/3 IP, 5 ER in middle relief.  How’d he go from one of the best arms in the game to mop up duty?  When Dr. James Andrews tells people 9 out of 10 pitchers agree with the good doctor, I think I know which one doesn’t agree.  “I feel like Bruno Mars’s forehead, big and empty!”  That’s Liriano talking through a translator.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three starts.  I specify his last three starts, because the Nats have been sitting him every other game.  It’s really important to get at-bats for Pudge, whose nickname wasn’t always ironic, and Jesus Flores?  Rhetorical!

Stephen Strasburg – Nats announced he would have an innings limit next year.  The GM said that innings limit has been semi-calculated.  The equation he used was pretty straightforward:  A Reinjured Strasburg = No Job.

Wade Davis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Nice end to what’s been a pretty terrible season.  His K-rate was atrocious and it wasn’t like he was getting unlucky with his 4.45 ERA.  Usually the third year a starter is in the majors is when their breakthrough comes, which next year will be for Davis, but I don’t have high hopes here.

Jason Bay – Didn’t play Sunday and was pulled from Saturday’s game because of illness.  Illness sounds like it should be managing the Mets.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4 with his fourth homer in the last ten games; also he’s hitting .300 over the last week.  He’s either hitting really well recently, or it’s an illusion to get people to draft him again next year.

Robert Andino – 1-for-2 with a steal.  After 136 games, he has 13 steals with 4 coming in the last week.  I don’t get that.  Did he just suddenly realize he’s fast?  Was he auditing a summer class from the University of Phoenix on base stealing and he just passed?  If you have speed, then run.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 6 ER.  On the year, he gave up 59 earned runs in… Guess how many innings.  Wait for it… Here it comes… Wait, where did I put it?… How did it end up in my glove compartment?  Anyway, in 49 2/3 innings.  That gives him the worst single-season ERA in MLB history (10.69).  On the bright side, for the record he beat Halladay’s 10.64 ERA of 2000.  Then again, Halladay was throwing with his left hand that season.

Grady Sizemore – Shut down for the year.  Backdate that to the moment his flash went off in front of a mirror.  Use any definition of the word flash you’d like.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Left Saturday’s game with an elbow contusion and didn’t play Sunday.  On a side note, I think Asdrubal should follow Ichiro’s lead and have just Asdrubal on his jersey.  Imagine parents taking their kids to a game and covering their eyes when they see Asdrubal.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September.  I feel sorry for all those that had to high-five him during his torrid month.  He’s always so intense.  Here’s him at a post-game press conference.

Felix Hernandez – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks and was pulled from the game after being hit by a comebacker.  Over the winter, I want a 500 word essay from him about what he did this summer that made me no longer love him.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit a homer in his third straight game, then left due to lightheadedness.  After the game, he said he prefers Amstel Light-headedness.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-7 over the weekend as he returned.  La Russa, wearing a jacket made from veggie burgers, said as long as Holliday’s healthy, he’s going to be out there.  Now it’s a judgment call whether you should play him.  I wouldn’t necessarily go back to him if I had options that were hitting.

Jose Bautista – After crashing into a wall, he stayed in the game for five innings only to then leave with a knee injury.  I think he should be fine.  My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor.  “But, mom, there’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging.  Though that’s not zeroes as in money.”

Brett Cecil -  3 1/3 IP, 4 ER and ends the year with a 4.73 ERA and 1.33 WHIP.  Somehow, I’ll find a way to make him seem attractive yet again next year; you just wait and see!

Carlos Gonzalez – As reported here first on Friday after inferring shizz from other sources, CarGo is done for the year.  As I said in the preseason, “He’s a bumps-and-bruises, miss-a-few-days-here-and-there type guy.  Those day-to-day things can turn into more.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.   Don’t mess with The ‘Noff.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his 28th homer.  I’d put $5 on The Other White Meat getting to 30 homers, if I were a betting man.  Okay, if I were a betting man on things I actually know and not just random rolls of a die.

Torii Hunter – 1-for-3 with a steal yesterday, and a homer on Friday and Saturday.  Not the same homer, that would be weird.

Vernon Wells – Slam & legs yesterday and 4 homers in the last 8 games.  You looking at his 25 homers and 9 steals on the year, “Hey, Vernon Wells had a good year?  Who knew?”  You looking at his average, “He hit .220?  Crimey a river, Justin Timberlake.”

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with his 30th homer and 101st RBI while hitting .293.  I don’t get it, is he gonna try to renegotiate his contract?

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a homer and two steals.  Totally just padding his stats to get to 30/30 and I love it.  This is why all players should have to own themselves in an H2H league with 50% of their contract in their fantasy league pot.  I wonder if the union will go for it.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s 7 for his last 13.  Can you tell I don’t want the season to end?  This is like the longest roundup ever.  Bonifacio is hot, moving on…

Ricky Nolasco – 2 IP, 6 ER.  Ends the season with a 4.67 ERA.  Somehow, he’ll be hyped again next year by everyone but me.  “Hey, ESPN analcyst here, and I want you to look at Nolasco’s strikeout to walk ratio.  He’s awesome!”

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 21st win to go along with his 2.28 ERA, 0.98 WHIP and 248 Ks.  Even with an injured knee, that had Ethier dancing.

Justin Upton – Left the game after being hit in the head by a Lincecum fastball.  Tests are showing no signs of a concussion.  Too bad.  I was hoping he’d return as Jason Bourne and bring down Justin Morneau for trying to kill my fantasy teams.

Replacing Phil Coke in the Tigers rotation is Charlie Furbush.  It’s about time that Leyland gave Furbush a mustache ride.  Furbush also sounds like a character description for someone in a Woodstock documentary.  Or a character name in a 70′s porn flick made by Leyland called, “The Marlboro Mandingo.”  That was co-starring Virginia Slim.  Furbush looked great in the minors, posting a solid K-rate while keeping his walks in line.  He is not a 2-something ERA pitcher as he’s shown so far this year.  He’s leaving 93% of men on base, that won’t continue.  He can give you around a 7 K-rate with a 3.75 to 4.00 ERA.  I’d grab Furbush in H2H mixed leagues for matchups and in AL-Only leagues.  In roto mixed leagues, you can grab him in certain circumstances, but caveat emptor for our Latin readers.  (BTW, To all the Googlers who searched for Furbush and weren’t looking for a fantasy baseball site — howdy!)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cole Hamels – Hit on his hand by a comebacker, but x-rays came back negative.  Speaking of negatives that are positive, yesterday frequent commenter DHill Dragons pointed out the Phillies starting staff in June had a 1.96 ERA.  A Philly quartet hasn’t been this hot since Boys II Men.

Mark Ellis – The Rockies acquired him.  You know what the Rockies really needed?  Another utility infieder.  Can’t they save Melvin Mora from retirement while they’re at it?  Ellis is 34 and 4 years removed from a solid season.  I wouldn’t grab him in anything but NL-Only leagues, and there oekávání, which is me putting expectations in Czech.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, hitting .309 with 6 steals in 21 games since his call-up.  With Ellis taking his extraordinarily ordinary talents to Colorado, Weeks is the everyday 2nd baseman for the A’s, and has been leading off.  At this point, he’s worth a flyer in all mixed leagues if you’re struggling with your middle infidel.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Matthew Berry wrote a post yesterday about how he’d trade Lester for Beachy.  “I go big or I go home!”  That’s Berry.  I like Beachy.  March Grey told you to draft Beachy on all your teams, but, uh, has Berry been institutionalized?  His posts are too long for a 100 monkeys with a 100 typewriters to put them together, aren’t they?  “Mordecai the Monkey, type more fantasy baseball and less Shakespearean sonnets!  I’ve got deadlines!”  That’s Berry again.

Kevin Youkilis – X-rays came back negative on his ankle, even though he seems more like a cankle person.  For now he’s day-to-day.  Or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

Neil Walker – Sat out with back soreness.  Hurdle said, “I’m trying to be proactive with it.”  Does he have acne too?

Carlos Lee – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  If someone grew bored of him in your league, I’d take a chance that he’s heating up.  If someone didn’t grow bored of him, I worry about the competitiveness of your league.

Carlos Zambrano – Left in the 2nd inning with back soreness.  Damnbacko!

CC Sabathia – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  That tied his career high in Ks, getting the one man who can get on a seesaw with him, Prince Fielder, three times.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners.  Two weeks ago, I pointed out he should be much better.  Since then, 20 2/3 IP and 3 earned runs, lowering his overall ERA by more than one full run.

Andy Dirks – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer in 34 games and stole his 3rd bag for the always coveted slam & legs.  I should’ve mentioned him yesterday when he hit a home run in his 2nd straight game, but everyone homered on Wednesday for the Tigers.  Now Dirks has three straight games with dongs (great, now more disappointed Googlers).  I don’t trust Leyland to sit Mags for Dirks indefinitely, so playing time appears to be an issue.

Brian Matusz – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER and optioned to the minors.  Or maybe that’s the minorsz.

Jason Kubel – Had a setback during his rehab.  Just think of this as a wake-up call that if you’re waiting for Kubel, you have bigger fish to fry.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-5 with his 10th home run and his 8th in June.  For s’s and g’s, let’s look at what I said on May 30th, “(Aramis) tends to get scolding hot for extended stretches, so if someone dropped him in your league, I’d grab him.”  Prescient isn’t just a word you can’t pronounce!

Geovany Soto – Hit his 8th home run yesterday.  Will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I wrote it while jumping Double Dutch.

Pablo Sandoval – He needed thirteen innings but Kung Fu Panda got a slam & legs.  Guess it was more like a sous-vide slam & legs.

Lance Berkman – With his 19th and 20th home runs yesterday.  Fine, I pulled the plug on him a little too early with my sell at the beginning of May.  He did hit .262 in May and .210 in June, but the power doesn’t seem like it’s drying up.  Though I still wouldn’t go out and trade for him.

Jon Jay – 3-for-5 and a homer.  Has now hit in 6 of the last seven games with 2 homers.  It’s something.  Or it’something, if you’re in a rush.

Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Man, that is a spot-on impersonation of Brett Cecil from April.  What a gooftard!

Jeff Kartsens – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He reminds me of a National League version of Jason Vargas.  It’s neither a compliment or an insult.

Justin Morneau – Underwent neck surgery and will be out until the end of August.  I will Morneau-more for this schmohawk.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Used to be when he was healthy he’d at least pitch well.  He’s at a 4.47 ERA and you’re holding onto him for his name value.  What, him being on your team is gonna get you a reservation at The French Laundry?  Look elsewhere.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-3 with his 7th home run.  He hit .354 last July and had a much better 2nd half of the season.  Okay, anyone could’ve had a better 2nd half than his 1st half, but still…

Adam Dunn – Ozzie batted him 3rd yesterday.  That’s like the Melrose Place All-Stars hitting Marcia Cross, sans wig, third.  BTW, Rudy and I had a fifteen minute conversation on IM yesterday about a Melrose Place All-Star lineup (25 episode minimum).  Bisset’s leading off — you always want her to get on base.  Courtney Thorne-Smith is hitting 2nd.  Solid, reliable and can get the runner over.  Locklear’s third, ’nuff said.  Alyssa Milano’s hitting cleanup — always gets you to third, sometimes home.  Brooke Langton is fifth as an unsung hero that could fall into a slump very easily.  Daphne Zuniga’s sixth because she had some better years elsewhere (Spaceballs).  Jamie Luner hitting seventh and catching…um…moving on.  In the eight hole, Kristin Davis — annoying, pesky hitter.  Finally, Kelly Rutherford can turn over the lineup.  Laura Leighton did not make the lineup because she’s freakin’ crazy and ruined all team chemistry and keyed my car.

Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury.  Manzo!  Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.”  Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear.  Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?”  The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers.  The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first?  Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.

Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps.  Must be that time of the month.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week.  I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.”  And that’s me bestowing on you!

Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year.  As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight.  AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what time it is, ya’ll?!  No, not 8:28 AM.  I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant.  It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams.  In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09.  Yup.

Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery.  If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon.  And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job.  It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place.  However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.

Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow.  Sounds like he should be okay.  Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Noob Hint Alert!  If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good.  When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run.  When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week?  I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this.  3 homers this week?  4?

Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run.  He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday.  At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones.  There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.

Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks.  Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.

Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist.  Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games.  People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around.  Looks like he’s providing an answer.

Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection.  My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better.  And he was better yesterday.  See how that works?

Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games.  The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base.  In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty!  He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues.  Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low.  In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals.  Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own.  And him too.

Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run.  Whatever, you don’t need that.

Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain.  Geez, lots of injuries this weekend.  Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.

Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL.  You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning?  Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball.  Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century.  Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare.  Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation?   A cockroach, for instance.  Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”

Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie.  Hopefully things work out better this time.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”)  Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games.  Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee.  Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look.  I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.

Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation.  He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback.  If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them?  So juvenile.

I read yesterday Brett Anderson might be headed for TJ surgery, which I believe is surgery done while a stray dog limps through the operating room… Wait, Googling TJ surgery.  Oh, it’s Tommy John surgery, not Tijuana surgery.  Silly me.  “No, I don’t want any chiclets, I’m having a tumor removed!”  That’s someone in Tijuana having surgery.  Something’s wrong with Anderson, Tommy John surgery or not.  He’s making a nice run to be included in the definition for Bennis Carpensheeter.  I just have to add an ‘r’ and it’s Brennis; you follow, Anderson.  I’m sure that’s his main concern.  “You know, my career was going fine until I was included in the Razzball glossary.”  That’s Brett Anderson talking to Bryant Gumbel’s head in a jar of formaldehyde on Real Sports in 40 years.  I wouldn’t drop Anderson yet, but I get the sense it’s not too far away.  Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jemile Weeks – A’s are calling up their 2nd base prospect.  Jemile, schlimazel… Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Weeks has a brother in the major leagues.  $5 says you can name him.  Hint:  His first name sounds a lot like Sickie.  They’re similar players.  20/20 potential over a full season but should wear one of those old Asian lady masks while on a plane so they don’t catch anything.  I’m slightly less excited about Weeks because he’s yet to show big power or health in the minor leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, of course you take the flyer.

Scott Sizemore – Was recalled.  For right now, I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues, but at MI that could change quickly.  BTW, MI Is A Name I Call My Middle Infielder was almost a Razzball t-shirt.  Alas, for now, you have the Sparky Anklebiter and It’s Tough Being Part Of A Platoon.  More to come.  Or not.  Depends on how these sell, I’m told by the little man with a top hat, cane and tuxedo.

Adam Rosales – Kirsten Drunkst’s co-star of Crazy/Beautiful hit his first home run.  He’ll probably co-own the A’s 3rd base timeshare with Sizemore.  Should help him save thousands on resort developer fees.

Dee Gordon – Was called up yesterday by the Dodgers.  Gordon’s fast.  And skinny.  He’s 150 pounds.  That’s how much my mustache weighs soaking wet.  He’s like Juan Pierre at shortstop.  Holy effin’ effholes, that’s a beautiful thing.  Imagine 60 steals at shortstop.  That’s like an 80′s sitcom dream where the wavy lines come in and Edna Garrett is making you a pot roast in a nightie.  That’s like Alcides Escobar and Everth Cabrera wrapped up in a burrito of “These are terrible examples, but I’m trying to make a point by lowering expectations.”  Gordon has decent enough on base skills to make the speed work, but he’s raw and only 23 years old.  Nobody likes you when you’re 23!  I’d take a flyer in every league where you need speed, just remember he could steal 35 bases from now until October or he could struggle and be replaced by Furcal in a few weeks.  It’s rookie nookie and it could give you a nice adrenaline rush or make you itchy.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phillies wasn’t a start I wanted to gamble on.  Sonavabench!

Marcus Thames – 0-for-4.  Back in the lineup and batting third… The .247 career hitting Marcus Thames.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Los Angeles Dodgers!

Hanley Ramirez – Finally lands on the DL for the first time in his career.  Check it off the bucket list.

Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After benching or dropping him before his previous solid starts, I figured the only way to get him to throw a terrible game was to stick him in my lineup.  Worked like a charm.  Slanted mouth emoticon.

Jake Peavy – To the DL with a strained right groin.  “Hold on, honey, I’m just straining the fusilli… Wait, is this Jake Peavy’s right groin?”  Talk about an awkward moment.

Alex Rios – He’s out for a mental break, which in the medical community is called “being out to lunch,” but I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep watching a Scrubs rerun last night.  For those with questions on Rios, the girl who’s dating me for my fantasy baseball ‘pertise/mustache, dropped him yesterday.  If she can do it, I bet you guys can too.

John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and he tied Wilson Valdez with one win.

Matt Garza – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Welcome back!…And bleh.  It’s usually wise to sit a guy coming off the DL until he shows he’s healthy unless he has a good matchup.  Against the Reds wasn’t a good matchup and his next start isn’t much better.

Dexter Fowler – I’ve said this a few times on this web log, but how do teams get away with DL’ing whomever they want?  A few days ago the Rockies were talking about demoting Fowler, now he’s suddenly DL’d.  Don’t have to wear a monocle to find that suspicious.

Charles Blackmon – He’s effectively replacing Fowler.  His AAA stats look great .346/10 HRs/12 SBs but he plays in Colorado Springs which is like Coors sans humidor.  (BTW, doesn’t this guy have a perfect Caribbean name?  U. of Colorado isn’t too far away – could we call him the Buffalo Soldier?)  He hasn’t shown great power or speed in the minors so he may turn out to be somewhere between Spilborghs and Seth Smith.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him platoon with Spilborghs since he’s a lefty.  Worth a shot in daily leagues, but wouldn’t take a silver bullet for him.

Chris Nelson – 2-for-4 and he’s now started four days in a row.  The Rockies really suffer from too much upside.  All of their guys are intriguing if they’d just play every day.

Brian Matusz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win.  This start was against an A’s lineup that is ranked 25th or lower in all major hitting categories.  They only have 33 home runs as a team.  That would be bad in the dead ball era.  The Ghost of “Home Run” Baker, “Shut your non-wooden teeth mouth, you rapscallion!”

Anthony Rizzo – Padres are expected to call him up any day now, Annie Potts.  You wait with bated breath.  Or baited if you’re into misspellings.

Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  He took the loss and blamed his inability to get major league hitters out.  Wait, no, that was me that blamed that.

Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He could throw a gem next time out or he could give up 7 earned in 3 innings.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says “Risk” and the mouth on the right side says “Upside.”

Joakim Soria – Was renamed the closer as the manager said, “Who are we kidding?  We got Alex Gordon leading off, a guy with C cups as our DH… Nothing on our team makes sense except our closer.  Soria’s back in!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBI, 2 runs and his 12th home run.  He prefers if you call him The Drubal.  If you see him in public, lower your eyes.  You don’t meet eyes with The Drubal.

Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 6 ER.  This was a solid start.  Correction.  No, it wasn’t.

Brennan Boesch – 5-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 home runs.  Now has 3 home runs in the last three games.  Well, he looked good in April for a second, then he looked terrible in May.  So it seems like you have another 23 days to own him.

Nelson Cruz – I’d mentioned he hit two home runs yesterday but I’m afraid I’m going to jinx him and he’s going to get hurt.  Moving along…

Matt Tolbert – 7 for his last 15, and that’s The Tolbert Report.

Jimmy Rollins – Battling a sore knee.  Going for an MRI.  They should just put an MRI machine behind 2nd base in Philadelphia and Utley/Rollins will decide before each hitter who’ll get x-rayed.  “Reyes is stealing.   Throw to 2nd.  Utley applies the tag….Reyes is out!  And so is Utley for 15 days!”

Brad Lidge – Because of elbow soreness, he’s flying to Philly for exams.  Seems like if someone has elbow soreness the last thing they should be doing is flapping their arms.

Matt Joyce a sell?  Now I will bite my lip and try not to sob.  Quiet, gentle sobs that Joyce used to assuage.  Joyce and I had something together that no one else can understand.  Well, maybe some of you that also own him can understand it, but the rest of you never will.  We shared moments that can only be explained by watching an Ecuadorian couple that has been married for 60 years sharing a mango on a park bench.  That’s what we had!  Picture, if you will, a giant mustache wrapped like a shawl around Matt Joyce’s shoulders.  We were that inseparable for about six weeks.  I own Joyce all over the place and he’s about the only hitter I have playing over his head.  Alas, playing over his head is the problem with Joyce, to DeWitt.  His BABIP is absurd; he’s a .270 hitter currently hitting .360.  He’s sandwiched between Votto and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s crazy.  I know I told everyone to grab him back in April, but he’s not this good.  Humble brag!  He’s never had more than 5 hits vs. lefties in an entire season, he hit .080 last year vs. lefties, i.e., he’s a platoon player.  He’s making good contact and swinging at good pitches, but at some point his luck is gonna turn vs. righties and opposing managers are going to throw LOOGY’s at him in later innings.  So I wouldn’t sell him for $24 in trinkets, but I would explore options.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Laynce Nix – He’s another platoon (doesn’t face lefties often) player, but he’s also only owned in 22% of ESPN leagues and he’s hit 3 homers in the last week.  If someone grabs Nix off waivers before you, call yourself a wambulaynce.

Jon Jay – After hitting .397 in May with 3 homers and 3 steals, he had the best month of his career since he wrote The Federalist Papers.

Nyjer Morgan -  SAGNOF!

Jason Bourgeois – I heard through the grapevine that he’s coming back this weekend, and by ‘grapevine,’ I mean I read it on the internet.  Thank you, Al Gore!

Tony Campana – While Marlon Byrd plays piano in the cellar for the next 6 weeks, Campana should see time.  He can get on base at a decent rate and he has crazy speed.  In fact, he just ran into your room, messed your hair and ran back out and you didn’t even know it.

Andres Torres – A fantasy baseball Rorschach test would have an ink blot of Angel Pagan and Andres Torres.

Allen Craig – Hit .350 in May and is the starting 2nd baseman, assuming Pujols doesn’t try and get that eligibility too.  Craig’s a 15/8 guy if he plays all year, which is great for a middle infidel not named Asdrubal.

Danny Espinosa – I’m not sure why he’s only owned in 37% of ESPN leagues other than 10,000 ESPN leagues might be owned by one guy who goes by the initial X who just likes to mess with me by picking up and dropping random players.  X, “What?  I have some free time.”

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is smoking with a side order of hot schmotato.

Brian Matusz – For full disclosure purposes, I wouldn’t pick up Matusz outside of an AL-Only league, and he’d be owned there anyway.  I just have a mental block about Orioles pitchers.  Don’t worry, I’m in therapy.

Daniel Murphy -  It’s absolutely bonkers to me that no other fantasy sites are touting Daniel Murphy.  Granted, I don’t read other fantasy sites and Murphy is pretty yawnstipating, but, I mean, c’mon!

Ty Wigginton -  Wiggy, Wiggy, Wiggy, can’t you see, sometimes your streaks just hypnotize me.  His picture should be next to the definition of hot schmotato (and it would say, “See also Luke Scott”).

Anthony Rizzo – It’s interesting that there’s times that I’ll talk about a player a lot and make myself even more excited for him, and other times when I dull my excitement the more I mention someone.  And I should have modified interesting with “to only me.”  Rizzo’s starting to bore me and he’s not even in the majors yet.  A few badonkadonks though and that can all change.

Ryan Theriot -  Know what I really like about Theriot?  Yeah, um, well, he does have a pretty cool last name.  He also has, um, hmm…Uh…  Well, he’s currently hitting and has some speed.

Eric Young Jr. – I kinda want to start another league just so I can redraft and take Young with my first pick.  The unabashedly crazy bro-love comes from the fact that Young has 60 steal speed.

Brett Lawrie – Just went over my Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while doing vodka shots with Karen Allen.

Brent Lillibridge – In the Razzball Glossary section of the forums, someone suggested peg boy replace hot schmotato.  I’m not ready to make the change, though, if you wanted your son to grow up to be a peg boy, you’d name him Brent Lillibridge.

Brandon Crawford – I think Crawford is one of those adds that by the time they get on your team they’ve overstayed their welcome.

Aaron Crow – Everyone in the preseason who said Soria’s the best closer in baseball is eating Crow.  Wah-wah-wahhhhh…Sad trombone.

Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla will take the closer job back.  Very surprising since he juggled seven different guys to varying degrees of failure in his absence.

Juan Nicasio – High risk, high reward type flyer.  Could get you a couple of high-K starts, might give you an ulcer, will probably be bumped from the rotation for Aaron Cook.

Jordan Lyles – Just went over my Jordan Lyles fantasy.  I wrote it in 1996, stuck it into a bottle and found it fifteen years later off the coast of Brazil.

SELL

Michael Pineda – Out of 11 starts, Pineda’s only had 4 starts vs. teams with a better than .500 record (as of yesterday. (I didn’t feel like figuring out who was over .500 when he faced them. (If you’d like a refund of your no money paid, let me know))).   In the 4 starts vs. the .500+ teams, he gave up 12 runs in 24 innings, giving him a 4.50 ERA.  In 2009, he missed a lot of the season with an elbow injury so the Mariners would have to be run by Ed Wade’s Toupee to push Pineda deep into September, eliminating his usefulness in H2H playoffs.  Now to completely hedge, I’m a fan of Pineda and don’t think he’s going to become side-of-the-barn hittable, but I would look at options.

Carlos Lee – He slashed .325/.341/.470 in May.  Wait, why isn’t El Caballo in the Buy section?  Oh, I know.  Cause he also hit only 2 homers last month.  Blech.  Who is he, Mike Aviles?  In most mixed leagues, I’d turn Caballo into glue.

Darwin Barney – Dropping Darwin would be intelligent design.