Gird your loins – we’re going to be navigating positions battles in each division. Last week, I covered the NL East. Today I’m talking about the AL Central, which actually looks fairly interesting this year. At first glance, the Tigers should run away with the division. At a slightly closer glance, the Indians, Royals, and White Sox all appear to be trying to contend. Who knows? Maybe Verlander’s arm will fall off after pitching over 1,000 innings across the past four seasons, while Miggy and Fielder enter a 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffet in Vegas and never return. Anyway, here’s some of the position battles to keep an eye on in the AL Central:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did you know that Vapors song, Turning Japanese, is about masturbation? Because when said act is done, a man squints, hence turning Japanese. Things that are offensive aren’t always racist, but, in this case, they are. Too bad The Vapors follow up single, “When I Really Have To Pee, I Dance Like A Cherokee” never climbed the charts. So this morning, Selig, on advice from his toupee, is taking the greatest day, Opening Day, and putting it up against infomercials and a three hour loop of the Emergency Broadcast Network. Why the hell is Opening Day at 3:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, you ask. Because Selig is a f*cking idiot. That asterisk is a U, by the way. In case that wasn’t clear. Way to excite the next generation of baseball fans. Take Opening Day 6,000 miles west and have the two worst teams play. Could we not get the Padres to play the Washington Generals in Cape Horn? Anyway, for fantasy baseball, pick up anyone who may play, especially in H2H leagues. They’re all fair game. If I were you, I’d focus on the hitters. From what I’ve read, Japanese ballparks are smaller….Please, blog, may I have some more?
3rd base sucks. My apologies to MC Serch and Prime Minister Pete Nice, but it ain’t about y’all! It’s 3rd base for fantasy baseball. And it’s like a raccoon crawled up in your attic and died, then the raccoon’s ghost came back in the form of your dead grandmother and nags you about changing your underwear. Tell your dead raccoon ghost in the form of your dead grandmother that you don’t need to change underwear if you’re not regularly getting laid and 3rd base sucked before, but now it’s even worse with this David Wright getting all iffy up in here, up in here. Let’s face it, only two people per league are getting Bautista or Longoria. You want Adrian Beltre for $29/3rd round? I don’t really want to pay that premium. So we’re left with trying to figure out how to get the stench of this dead raccoon/grandmother hybrid out of our fantasy attic with sleeper picks. I went over some targets for 3rd base for 2012 fantasy baseball. I didn’t mention Brent Morel there because I was holding him back so I could rub over his name with my pink highlighter. Consider this 12-point Razzball font my pink highlighter and go ahead and protest my highlighter color, Westboro Baptist Church! So what do I like about Brent Morel for 2012 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
First off, thanks Grey for this opportunity. Second, please be gentle, Razzballers…this is my first time.
I’ve now played in a 12 team yahoo mixed league where we start two at each infield position and five in the OF (LF,CF,RF,OF,OF) for over five years.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Twins aren’t winning. Twins haven’t won all year, actually. You can look it up. They’re 0-for-2011. But Ben Revere wants to steal bases for no reason. I love that. I’d prefer my fantasy players act selfishly and just try to inflate their own value. Maybe that’s lame, but we’re talking about fantasy baseball. We’re not talking about getting chicks with your IROC. When a player tries to inflate his own value, it helps us fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). With so many players shut down or resting for the playoffs, the best thing we can hope for right now is someone who just wants some stats. Revere is the player. In the last week, Revere is hitting .464 with 5 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 steals.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend. Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season. Don’t you love H2H leagues? What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football. I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H. You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H? Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that. Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds. So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense. As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues. It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide. Helton Skelton!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Snap, snap, claw, claw, save. That’s The Save Vulture Dance. Snap, snap, claw, claw, save… Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide. The save vulture is a scavenger bird. They see weakness in others’ misfortune. A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff. Peck, Jim Johnson, peck. Peck, Joel Peralta, peck-peck. The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if there’s an injury. Goodbye, Brian Wilson. Hello, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt. Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about. “How does my manicure look?” “Very pretty, Manny Acosta.” “Did you just call me, Manny Acosta?” “No.” Joakim Soria has tightness in his hamstring; the save vulture has limberness in its loins that only Greg Holland can satiate. If you need closers, there’s quite a few of them out there right now. There’s also quite a few that you can drop. Member when you were my closer, Fernando Salas? Fernando Salas, “I don’t know who you are and why are you sitting on my couch in the dark?” Doesn’t matter cause I just dropped you for Jason Motte and it felt great. Snap, snap, claw, claw, save… Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall? Afraid of success? That’s what your ex-wife would say.Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief. He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits. In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr.Please, blog, may I have some more?
My dinner with Andre is over as Andre Ethier has called it kaput on his season. It wasn’t from a lack of trying, I’ll tell ya that. “Hey, I just want to say how much it means to me to try to help this team win even though I shouldn’t be playing. This is my job, and I take my job very seriously, even if means I may never walk again because I’m playing when I shouldn’t be. I will not sit, no matter what! Unless someone asks me to sit because they realize I shouldn’t be playing.” Andre encapsulates today’s athlete perfectly. Team first, as long the player is okay putting team first. For whatever reason, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ethier overdrafted again next year. People just can’t get enough of his 20 homer, no steal fantasy value. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dee Gordon – 4-for-5 with his 17th steal. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Seems like a no-brainer, which is my specialty.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As I’ve been saying for the last month, Neftali Feliz will be the closer and he doesn’t have syphilis. Now stop experimenting on him! Feliz shoots all the way back up to the top of the Donkeycorns and can/should/verb be the top closer in the game by the end of the season. This also means Matt Harrison will be a starter. And to that I say, “I enjoyed your work on Falcon Crest.” Matt Harrison shall be now known as the Lone Ranger, as in he’ll be the lone Ranger that no one drafts. Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:
Tommy Hunter – Suffered a groin strain. I know too well about those! Oh, wait, no I don’t. *blushes* Maybe they’ll put Neftali back in the rotation. I’m kidding! They’ll probably use Dave Bush. Um, yikes.Please, blog, may I have some more?