Fantasy Baseball Advice

I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate.  We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish.  When Eric Young Jr. Jr. needs someone to go to the PTA meetings, I will be there.  When Erica Young needs a date to a cousin’s wedding or something, the tux will be rented, the corsage will be picked from a neighbor’s yard and the Drakkar will be spritzed.  I will be Sandra Bullock and Eric Young will be my very own Michael Oher.  (BTW, I liked The Blind Side better when it was called Diff’rent Strokes.)  And if that doesn’t all work out as planned, I’ll own him in fantasy for steals.  Don’t you people need some MI speed?  Own him.  Now.  Chop-chop.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week:

BUY

Jose Tabata – I mentioned to Rudy I was going to do a Buy lead-in with Jose Tabata and he said, “That’s about as dated as your mustache.”  But, Rudy, he’s hitting near-.500 over the last week with steals and a little pop and he’s only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  Rudy, “You running for President of the Jose Tabata Fan Club?”  Yes, yes I am.

Cameron Maybin – Who knew I’d recommend him?  Show of hands.  Okay, you can put your hands down now.  “Teach, I just want to go to the bathroom.”

Scott Podsednik – Manny’s about to exit stage left and Pods will get playing time again.  SAGNOF!

Marcus Thames – The Yankees have about 6 of these interchangeable DH-types.  Continued in the next blurb…

Austin Kearns – Number two of interchangeable Yankee DHs.  You can’t own either (or both, for that matter) without having an extra bench bat.  They don’t play every day, but when they do play they can give you HRs and RBIs.

Koji Uehara – Now for the SAGNOF portion of our program.

Evan Meek – I wouldn’t go two deep for saves in Pittsburgh unless I were in a dogfight for points in the saves category.  Meek and Hanrahananananan may only get a total of 4 saves between them in the whole month of September.

Hisanori Takahashi – Confirmed closer for the Mets, should be owned in every league.  Au Bon Japan!

Ivan Nova – With Javy Vazquez moving to the bullpen until TBA, Nova moves into the rotation until TBA.  Nova had more than an adequate time in Triple-A this year (2.86 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 7+ K/9).  On the Yankees he should be serviceable and get some Wins, but there’s always a chance he drops something in your drink and you wake up walking like you were just jumping hurdles.

Jordan Zimmermann – The pitch count restrictions worry me a bit with Zimmermann.  Do you need a starter to go 5 IP and give up 2 ER and walk away with a no-decision?  I don’t.  I have plenty of those guys on my staff.  Though Zimmermann is a must own in deep keepers.

Bud Norris – Just went over my Bud Norris fantasy.  If you click that link, it magically transports the post back a few days.  It’s like a time machine for words.

Daniel Hudson – Stop me if you’ve heard me tout him–

Kila Ka’aihue – Big Time Masher, Poi!  The Good Eyein’ Hawaiian!  Mauna Kila!  Choose your own nickname, and grab him if you’re hurting at corner infidel.

Mike Moustakas – He appeared in the 2010 September call-ups post.  There I said, “Has a cool… …gyro recipe… …and a picture of …Mr. Bungles… Keep effing that chicken…”  Hmm… Could’ve pulled a more coherent quote.

Dustin Ackley – Also, appeared in that September call-ups post.  I’m not very high on Ackley right now, but he should be owned in AL-Only and keeper leagues at this point.

Todd Helton – Trying to find something positive to say about him…  Dang, whatever.  He’s hitting, that’s all I got.

Juan Uribe – He gets absurdly hot at times and he’s coming off two straight games with a homer.  Since he has shortstop eligibility, he probably should be owned anyway.

Jhonny Peralta – I’ll probably write an entire post about this.  For now, shorthand.  It’s practically September.  You can’t hold underperforming guys and let hot hitters sit on waivers.  Is Silent H a great player?  Nope, but he’s hot.

Stephen Drew – Has 7 homers in August.  That’s two off the major league lead in homers for this month.  That’s one more homer than Tulo and Holliday combined.

Ryan Raburn – I told you to pick him up in the July 30th Buy/Sell.  This is the fourth week in a row I’ve told you to pick him up.  Do you hear me?!  Don’t make me come back there!

SELL

Mike Stanton – Drop him, he looks like the K’ing of Wishful Swings right now.  Obviously you ignore said advice in keepers.

James Loney – Has 8 homers and 9 steals with a .277 average on the year.  That’s not a 1st baseman; that’s a middle infielder.  Ian Desmond’s beating those numbers.  You own this guy?

Nick Markakis – I think I’ve already mentioned dropping him, but here he is again because I hate him and his stupid face.  You thought Loney’s season numbers were bad; check out Markakis.  8 homers and 6 steals with a .287 average.  It’s an impostor in his body — Dick Fartakis.

Stephen Strasburg – The pitcher whose stuff is so inspirational that both his first and last names start with St. looks like he’ll be martyring his 2011 season.  Evidently he’s mortal because he needs Dr. Freeze to save his ulnar collateral ligament.  Yup, the dreaded Tommy John surgery.  If you have him in a keeper league, put on some Sting, shed the necessary tears for the pitcher you love, and then set him free.  But try to snag him for a low bid next year’s draft so you can get keeper rights for 2012.

‘Uh-oh’ doesn’t really do the sight of Stephen Strasburg throwing a pitch and shaking his elbow in pain.  Word is now he might go see Dr. Freeze.  Usually a visit to Dr. Freeze means the pitcher will be out for at least a year.  I think a visit to Dr. Freeze in this case would just mean the Nats are being very cautious.  It’s like when your Schnauzer has a bellyache and the vet tells you he’ll be fine, but you’re so worried about Arfer Woofruff that you disguise him as a little old man and seek a second opinion from a gastroenterologist.  If you own Strasburg in keeper leagues, I’d cross your fingers, toes and the street to your religious house of worship and pray for good news.  In redraft leagues, you can hold him for a day or two until it’s official, but I can’t imagine he’s pitching again this year.  Riggleman said, “I don’t even know if he’s playing catch tomorrow.  The doctor might say, ‘Don’t pick up a ball.’  The doctor might say, ‘This looks fine, this is normal pitching stuff, go get ‘em.’ But I doubt it.”  All I’m saying is you don’t take Arfer to a gastroenterologist then immediately to the park to play catch with a frisbee.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to give people a heads up that we have a big announcement coming this afternoon, please check back later.  No, I’m not shaving my mustache.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Alex Rodriguez – Out for 15 days because the Yankees need A-Rod to be healthy for the playoffs and he has an appointment to get his tips frosted.

Austin Kearns – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday.  Now has a hit in his 11 games.  Unfortunately, it’s not the Yankees last 11 games, which makes Kearns hard to play unless you can platoon him in and out of your lineup.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 25th homer to match his career high.  A career year usually leads January Grey to evaluate a player to see if he’s going to be overrated.  January Grey is in Nepal giving spiritual guidance to the Beastie Boys, so I’m not sure but I don’t think Cano will be labeled overrated next year.  He’s a top 2nd baseman.

Kevin Slowey – To the DL with a strained right triceps.  (Or is that tricep?  Is it just a onecep?)  Before he went to the DL, Slowey left you with a 3 IP, 4 ER game on Saturday to remember him by.  If you’re wondering when he’s due to return, I suggest you take a step back and think about why you stay in abusive relationships.

Ricky Nolasco – Has a torn menicus, which is not the thing your great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather used to count.  The Marlins are hoping he misses just one start.  If he’s out for the season, which I think he will be, Nolasco’s done everyone a great favor.  For someone who has a 4.38 career ERA and is routinely overrated, now his value should come back to earth.

Cody Ross – The 29-year-old was grabbed by the Giants as Sabean infuses his outfield with youth.  The Giants now have more DHs then a majority of AL teams.  Do the Giants play 4 outfielders?  Are they planning on giving the middle finger to the NL and using a DH?  All valid questions.  I have to think this hurts ABs for Burrell (though it shouldn’t with the way he’s swinging the bat), Guillen and Ross.  Hopefully Torres continues to see at least 5 games a week.  Taking over for Ross in Florida…

Cameron Maybin – Perennial Razzball favorite-slash-bust returns to the Marlins outfield.  Maybin still has plenty of time to reach his potential at the major league level, but I’d hold expectations in check for the last five weeks.  He’s only a 10/20 player over the course of a season.  Break that into one month and it’s just a’ight, which is shade under a’ight and much less than a’ight a’ight.  In NL-Only leagues or keepers, you have to grab him for his upside.

Jason Heyward – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 4 Runs and 2 homers.  Really hoping there’s not too many more of these games this year so Heyward comes into next year relatively affordable– Oh, who am I kidding, he’s going to be so hyped next year.

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.  *Grey drools*

Omar Infante – 4-for-6, 2 homers, 4 Runs and 4 RBIs.  Buh-but, Grey, can Infante keep this up? Who cares, random italicized voice?  There’s just over a month left of the season.  Play Infante while he’s hitting.  Don’t get your mustache all in a bunch, was just asking.

Josh Thole – Will be the Mets’ everyday catcher.  Having a hard time coming up with another positive so let’s leave it at that.

Juan Gutierrez – Got the save on Saturday and now it’s questionable who’s the closer in Arizona.  I think it should be Demel, I thought the Diamondbacks would go with Heilman and now Gutierrez is getting saves.  You figure that one out.

Dustin Pedroia – Sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon.  That was the case here and now that case is closed for another two weeks.

Wilson Betemit – I picked up Betemit as a fluke about a week ago.  He has four homers while batting over .300 in that time.  Every bone in your body tells you you shouldn’t own Betemit, but why are you listening to bones?  Is that some voodoo shizz?

Will Rhymes – 4-for-5 with 3 Runs, but still hasn’t stole a base.  Someone needs to give Rhymes the 411 on where his fantasy value lies.

Michael Wuertz – At some point during the weekend, he lost the closer job and then Bailey returned anyway, making the whole closerousel moot.

Tommy Hunter – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. O’s.  Decent enough rebound for a guy who sounds like he has a Witness Protection name.  His 42 Ks in 85 2/3 innings makes him pretty blahing to own.

Luke Scott – Two games, two homers.  Luke, you are not waiver wire fodder.

Ty Wigginton – Has two homers in the last two games too, and deuces are wild.

Joel Hanrahan – Gets the save to remind people that he’s the closer that never gets any save chances.

Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Remarkably (to me, at least), his season ERA is still at 2.42.  I can almost guarantee I won’t be owning Garcia next year.

Bobby Jenks – Threw three innings yesterday as Ozzie went with the ol’ “If you don’t like your closer, throw him until he’s injured” approach.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 18th homer yesterday.  I.e., two homers less than Mike Napoli.  Or one homer more than Bill Hall.  Um, dubya-tee-eff, Braun?

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s pronounced Yo-lease.  It’s Spanish for pick him up.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Hudson’s name sounds familiar.  Oh, I know, he’s the guy I’ve mentioned you should pick up for the last three weeks.  Yeah, that’s right.

Jeanmar Gomez – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully not too many of you went with this Cleveland Streamer.

Jonathan Broxton – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Please make sure you sign the ‘Die Jonathan Broxton’ petition.

Rod Barajas – Nothing says last-ditch effort to help your team like grabbing a .225 hitting catcher off waivers.  Nothing says giving up like trying to trade away Manny Ramirez.  Nothing says mixed signals like these moves in tandem.

Matt Kemp – Homers in back-to-back games as the Dodgers announced that Kemp would be put into purgatorre with Scott Podsednik and him sharing playing time.  Torre said, Kemp would get more time than Podsednik, but Kemp doesn’t have Pods’ grit and wily veteranship.  Is Torre trying to put the best team on the field or looking for a backup quarterback?  I Googled ‘grit and wily veteran’ and I found John McCain.  How about we put him in center?!

Paul Konerko went 5-for-5 yesterday with his 31st homer.  Paul Konerko is also winning your league for you.  You had your back up against the wall.  You took Hanley in the first round, Halladay in the 2nd and then you hit the 20th round and you were like, “Hmm… I totally screwed myself by not taking a 1st baseman.  Do I take that guy on the Marlins with a girl’s name or should I take Konerko?”  When you took Konerko, you figured you would need to trade for someone.  Whoa, what’s this?  Konerko’s hitting?  “Hey, baby, you’re eating dinner by yourself tonight.  Paul Konerko due up sixth this inning, according to Fantasycast.  Now please don’t come into my man cave.”  When you go to the White Sox Fantasy Camp in seven years, you can tell him how he won your league for you while ruining your marriage.  These late round fliers in drafts are always so maddening.  If I would’ve just took Konerko instead of Stupid-Face Headley.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His season ERA is down to 3.87 and 12 wins is pretty good, but that’s now 8 Ks in 28 IP for August.  Is there a less aptly-surnamed player in the game?  Seems like Mark Crafty or Mark Wiley would be better names.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-5 with his 14th homer.  Has hit in all but 2 of his last 25 games.  Was a bit wonky last year, but this year’s been a solid bounce back, outside of April, of course.

Pedro Feliz – Traded to the Cards for Carpenter.  Holy effin– It’s David Carpenter, Grey. Ah, thanks, random italicized voice, how can I ever repay you?  Pay it forward. Now Feliz and La Russa can start an afterhours club, The Happy Drunk.  Women and squirrels get in for free.  I wouldn’t pick up Feliz with your team.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-5 with his 30th steal as he returned from the DL.  He should be owned in every league or, I should say, I wish I were in a league where he was available.   I also wish I had a Ferrari with a graham cracker steering wheel that I could nibble on at red lights, so we obviously can’t get everything we want.

Brian Matusz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has had 3 solid starts in his last four, but the non-solid (loose? runny?) start was a mess.  I’d tread carefully.

Alex Sanabia – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His Ks to walks aren’t bad, but he gave up 7 earned in 2 innings vs. the Giants in his last game.  I’d let someone else take on the risk.

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating all year.  You think you’re drafting a late round sleeper with upside and you get Lyle Overbay.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4 and hitting .500 over the last week.  Who knew?  I did, and now you should too.

Michael Brantley – Twisted his ankle and left the game, but x-rays were negative.  He’s day-to-day.  C’mon, man, the Indians’ pennant hopes are riding on you!

Ronny Cedeno – Out for a week with shoulder discomfort, but doesn’t expect to go to the DL.  He’s still contemplating going to New Hampshire disguised as Johnny Cakes.

Jerry Blevins – The Beav picked up his first career save.  Don’t get excited, Wuertz needed a day off and Bailey is on the way back.  Maybe it’s because his first name is Jerry, but I read his name and hear Jerry Lewis’s voice (Hey there nice lady…Blevins!)

Carlos Zambrano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Big Z’s recent string of starts look good on the surface, but he’s walked 12 guys to 9 Ks.  Belch.

Vicente Padilla – To the DL with a bulging disk in his neck.  He has an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Frankenstein.

Ted Lilly – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Let’s see….Lilly was bad in the NL Central this year and amazing for the Dodgers.  Randy Wolf was amazing last year for the Dodgers and has been awful in the NL Central.  I think we know where Aaron Harang will be pitching next year.

Dustin Pedroia – Missed yesterday’s game with a sore foot because he keeps chewing through his cone.

Travis Wood – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Another great start for the Reds rookie.  The Reds front office figured out the secret to keeping Dusty from killing all the young arms – develop so many of them that he isn’t able to focus on one.  Like Ronnie in a flock of South Beach grenades.

Ramon Hernandez – 2-for-5 with a homer.  His playing time has been all over the map, but he’s hitting .333 in the last week and near that for the month.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I have much love for the 112 Ks in 106 2/3 IP.  I wanna like Bud Norris so much, and I can see really liking him going into 2011, but his 1.43 WHIP is a little scary.  Would definitely give him a whirl in H2H leagues under the right circumstances.

Brandon Lyon – If there was any doubt, Lyon got the save yesterday.  He’s your closer, kids (and non-kids).

J.J. Putz – Out with inflammation in his knee.  Putz… Inflammation… Shiver.  Saves will go to Jenks, who pitched for the first time in a week yesterday, or Thornton, probably in that order, but there’s no guarantees with Ozzie.

Josh Beckett – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There’s not enough time left to be waiting for Beckett.  I’d lose him in most redraft leagues and just play matchups with that spot.

Will Rhymes – 2-for-4, should see fairly regular time and has lots of speed.  Not worth a look outside of AL-Only leagues, but there ya go, ho.  Whoa!  Rhymes.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 with his third homer in the last week.  Now has 9 homers on the year, or 4 1/2 homers per moob.  Not a great Moob to Home Run ratio (M:HR).

Austin Kearns – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs.  I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but that’s a lie.  He won’t be.  He’s here.  Now.  Batting over .400 in the last week and is in a great place for RBIs.  I could see him being benched if A-Rod needs time at DH, but if you have room to juggle some bench bats, I’d grab Kearns.

Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 15th win.  If I had a tenderoni that had anywhere near that many wins, I think I’d love him for the rest of my life.

Lance Berkman – If you don’t have DL room, you don’t hold Berkman.  The days of shooting up are gone and 34-years-old is old. <– sounds like Belle & Sebastian lyrics.

Victor Martinez left the game after fouling the ball off his foot.  Wanna know our trade luck?  We just traded Jason Bay, Cervelli and Mike Gonzalez for V-Mart, Boesch and Desmond.  Is this karma for punting catchers in so many leagues over the years?  I hate you, fantasy baseball Gods.  You smite my team while I give you love.  I.  Give.  You.  Love!  Oh, bee tee dubya, V-Mart’s day-to-day.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Cameron – Returning on Tuesday.  Didn’t I already talk about this schomhawk?  Oh, yeah, I did.  (The “I did” link we lead you to the answer.  If you ignore the answer, skip 7 pages ahead and slay the dragon.)

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 1 RBI.  If you would’ve popped your head out of a DeLorean in the preseason and told me at the end of May Adrian Beltre would be hitting .335, I would’ve told you he’s headed for fantasy MVP honors.  Crazy how far his power has disappeared.

David Ortiz – Hit his eighth homer this month.  I think the average will level off around .260, but the power seems to be back.  He should be owned everywhere while he’s hitting.

Carlos Zambrano – Completed a simulated game.  Hey, this weekend I threw a simulated 150 in Wii bowling.  Eat it, Big Z, and the 15 foot baguette you rode in on!

Alfredo Simon – Headed to the DL with a bad hammy.  Doesn’t Alfredo know that with ham it’s carbonara?  A messy O’s bullpen just got messier.  I grabbed Cla Meredith and Will Ohman, in that order.  I grabbed both in some leagues where I had room.  That means every run the O’s give up after the 7th inning will be all mine.  Emphasis on “will.”

Wade Davis – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I told you to sell him in this Buy/Sell.  Not because a lack of stuff.  He’s just in a terrible division for matchups and he doesn’t go deep enough into games to get decisions.  It’s kinda hard to sell a guy who’s only teetering on number four fantasy starter value, but he might push another trade you have over the top if you have a believer, or a Wadvocate, if you will.  Obviously in keepers, you ignore the previous few sentences and continue to eat your breakfast.

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4.  You ever have a guy who you want to get sent down just so you can drop him?  That’s how I’ve felt with Beckham in a 20 team league for about three weeks.  Well, Beckham’s the spiting type.  He’s now batting .500 over his last three games.  It’s not incredible, but it’s something.

Bobby Jenks – Pitched a clean inning to avoid the Kazaam.  On a side note, he covered first on one play and it looked like he just ran a marathon.  He’s got Jenk in the trenk.

Andruw Jones – 1-for-4, now batting .239 and hasn’t hit a homer since May 5th.  He sold his soul for a good April?

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I’m just going to assume he pissed off the Fangraphs Database and that’s why his xFIP and FIP are so out of line with his ERA.

Austin Kearns – Hitting third for the Indians tonight.  Fitting since that team is going through a mother of growing pains.

Aaron Harang – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  At 100 pitches, Harang was at 2 earned runs, then Dusty sent him out there for a third of an inning and two more runs.  On the bright side, Dusty didn’t make him don a blonde wig and close out the game.

Roy Oswalt – Rumors swirl (clockwise or counterclockwise?) that the Nationals are interested in him.  You know it’s a sad day in Houston when their franchise is so lost that they seem much more like the flash-sideways team than Washington.  Must be because Desmond brought the Nats together.

Steve Phillips – The ex-Mets GM and ESPN talker blurted out that, if he was the Nats GM, he’d trade Strasburg for Oswalt.  Surprising because you’d think Strasburg hangs around with younger, hotter girls than Oswalt.

Brett Cecil – 7 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He usual strikes out more than he did in this game, but his season WHIP is 1.15 and ERA is 4.10.  If you take away one start where he was pounded vs. the Rangers, he has an ERA of 2.53.  He’s owned in only 5.9% of ESPN leagues.  Zoinks!

Rafael Furcal – Oh-for-cal is returning today.  If this is the guy you’ve been waiting for to ignite your team, you might need to reevaluate.

John Axford – He notched a save the other day, but it was because Villanueva was tired.  I know what you’re thinking, why not have some *pinkie to mouth* Coffey?  Yeah, oddly enough he was tired too.  So the Brew Crew went with Axrod.  Say that fast twelve hundred times!    I don’t think Axrod’s worth owning right now outside of NL-Only leagues.  The Brewers want Hoffman, Villanueva, Coffey and Axrod, in that order.  Mostly, they just want Hoffman.

Miguel Cabrera – Missing the Tigers series for the birth of his kid.  Crazy that Miguel Olivo wasn’t showing at all.

Steven Pearce – Was walking on crutches after the game.  No, it’s not a new dance craze, he was hurt in the game.  This should free up time for Clement again.  Though he wasn’t doing anything with his playing time before but wasting it.

Andy LaRoche – Might end up on the DL.  LaOuch for him, LaShouldn’tbeonyourteam for you.  Could these injuries open up the gates for one of the Pirates prospects?  Not a rhetorical.  Seriously, could it?  Wouldn’t that be exciting?  My favorite fantasy baseball palate cleanser is rookie announce-mints.

Alex Trebek, “Nelson Cruz, Josh Hamilton and Ian Kinsler.”  What’s the deal with all of these Rangers having all the upside in the world but not being able to stay healthy?  Alex, “Um, okay, we would’ve also accepted, ‘Who are some Ranger players?’  Oh, and nice mustache.”   Nelson Cruz has hit the DL five times in his short career.  Always with these little niggling injuries.  Shoulder fatigue this, ankle sprain that.  Someone get this guy some HGH.  I’d like to see a rule put into place that every player who has an injury needs to make two phone calls before they’re able to go on the DL.  One phone call to discuss their injury with Cal Ripken.  Another phone call to a Holocaust survivor.  If they can handle the guilt and still think their injury should force them out of action, then so be it.  Nelson Cruz will be out at least two weeks.  Nothing you can do but DL him and try to find a decent replacement.  David Murphy’s a good in-house one.  Though he needs to benched by you and the Rangers vs. lefties.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Anderson – B.A. could miss up to 6 weeks.  So far it’s been a bad week to be listed in the risky pitchers for 2010 post.  Two guys hit the DL, another guy strained his groin.  Hey, there’s my groin… No, wait.  That’s my outie belly button.  Damn, I shouldn’t be straining to find– Ouch! I was pretty hands off with Brett Anderson this year.  As in, there’s Brett Anderson in my drafts and I’m not touching him.  A forearm strain… Shoot, anything with the arm is tricky for a pitcher.  You thought I didn’t want to own him before the injury, guess how I feel about him now.  One hundred sixty pounds! That’s trying to guess my weight, random italicized voice.  Totally my bad! But you’re kinda SOL right now because you can’t sell him for fifty cents on the dollar… Well, I mean you could, but I wouldn’t.  If you were to wait until he returns and pitches well, then traded him.  I could get behind that.

Jorge de la Rosa – The 2nd risky pitcher to make his way to the DL; de la Rosa’s suffering from a torn tendon in his middle finger.  In layman’s terms, this is called a wounded bird.  Rox docs are saying he should only miss a few starts.  I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but this is a similar injury that Wainwright suffered a few years ago and it knocked him out from June 7th, 2008 until August 22nd.  Listen, I don’t even know what to take for an upset stomach, so I’m obviously no doctor, but don’t try and buy de la Rosa on the cheap.

Jhoulys Chacin – Will take over for dlR.  Just went over him yesterday.  Scroll down or click here.  Your options are endless.

Chris Iannetta – Sent to the minors.  I’m in a league where I had him sitting in my catcher slot all year.  I’m also in first place in that league.  I’m telling you, guys and three girl readers.  Your catchers don’t matter.  Just throw someone in there.  In that league, I grabbed John Jaso for s’s and g’s.  Olivo is a great option if he’s out there.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 as he hit leadoff.  Followed by Fowler, Helton, Tulo and CarGo.  Now that’s a lineup!

Jason Bay – Hit his first homer of the year.  Glad to see Metco can’t hold in his power.  Just severely limit it.

Carlos Santana – He might be up any day now.  At least within the next month.  As I told someone yesterday, look at Wieters’s stats last year.  Look at Wieters’s stats this year –> he has one home run, 6 Runs and 7 RBIs.  What are you hoping to get from Carlos Santana?  A lunch date with Rob Thomas?  If you’re hoping Carlos Santana saves your team, you have a lot bigger fish to fry.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Carlos Santana get called up and do nothing productive until next July.  Oh, and Santana’s dealing with a knee injury.

Buster Posey – See 1/8 of an inch above.

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks and has a 2.19 ERA on the year.  See little reason why it can’t continue.  Could he be the Red Sox ace this year?  Without a shadow of a doubt.  It’s amazing to me the comments I still get asking if people should pick him up.  Are these one team leagues?  Own Buchholz before you give me an ulcer.

Brandon Wood – Yesterday, I mentioned that Wood has hit in three straight games.  Now it’s four as he went 3-for-4 with a homer.

Austin Kearns – 6 for his last 10 with two homers.  He won’t be good for the whole season, but right now Kearns has the juice.

Dioner Navarro – Suspended for two games for bumping an ump.  Navarro apologized saying the ump kept humming “Been Caught Stealing” and he just lost it.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – All catchers, all the time on Razzball, huh?  Salty should be bacchia by the end of the week.  If you lost Iannetta, he’s another option I’d look at.

Max Ramirez – I swear, this is the last catcher for today.  If you want, skip down to the next blurb.  No?  Okay, but don’t pout.  That’s for guys who play fantasy golf.  Max Ramirez will actually be covered this afternoon by Stephen.  Coinkydink, huh?  Max Ramirez, who sounds like a Latino-Yiddish fusion chef, was the name bandied about for Mike Lowell this past offseason.  Ramirez has good power but the Rangers might just leave him as a backup to their backstop since his defense is poor.  It’s a sitch that’s worth watching.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-13 since his call up.  Someone needs to take Smoak aside and explain to him that when they wanted him to replace Chris Davis, they wanted his own interpretation not a facsimile.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 0 ER and his first save of the year.  “I take back what is mine.  Then I make love to your women,” said Frank-Frank as he entered from the bullpen.  Even money says Frank-Frank is the closer again-again.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was appropriately Greinke’d.

Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks and a no decision.  Hey, seems like old times.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 5 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ouch.

Derek Lowe – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  It hurts me soul when I hear people own Lowe.

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer as he now bats .303 on the year.  I’ve seen worse 5th outfielders.  Hey, Nate McLousy, that’s you!

Jon Garland – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I don’t buy it.  He’s still a hodgepadre.

Edwin Jackson – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  But just think, if you had drafted him last year, he would’ve been good.

Cody Ross – Missed yesterday’s game with a nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head fever.  Maybe he’s allergic to the thought of losing his job to Mike Stanton.

Justin Verlander – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not May yet, but don’t tell Verlander.

Francisco Liriano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Three weeks ago, I traded Jenks for Liriano and Maybin.  ABtC –> Always Be trading Closers.

Justin Morneau – Left the game with a stiff back.  Might’ve been from trying to catch up with Verlander’s 100 MPH fastball.

Brian Roberts – Still hasn’t started any baseball activities.  No spitting, no ball scratching, no nothing.

Rhyne Hughes – 1-for-4, 1 Run and RBI.  Now has a hit in every game he’s appeared in, but he won’t face lefties, at least for now.

Jim Johnson – Trembley looks at his bullpen and gets the *pinkie to mouth* shakes.  He said the Orioles don’t have a closer.  Johnson’s just a guy who can’t pitch that has appeared in the ninth inning in the past.  Yesterday, Johnson appeared in the 8th.  Giving way for the one, the only…

Alfredo Simon – Yeah, I’m a save whore.  I’ll admit it.  I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  By the time I grabbed him in every league I could, he had two men on and was about to blow the save.  He escaped.  Barely.  During his almost blown save, Jim Palmer said, “I told Simon in spring training just throw to the mitt.  And wear Jockey underwear.”  I added the last part.  Simon’s stuff looked decent from what I saw, but his minor league numbers show a guy who barely has a 5 K/9.  Who throws 90+ MPH and only Ks 5 guys per 9?  The Orioles new closer, that’s who!

Rajai Davis – Sat out because of a slump so Pennington hit leadoff and went 4-for-5 with a homer.  Uh-oh.

Ben Sheets – 4 IP, 8 ER as your A’s got the Sheets.