Welcome to the brand new series called Bear or Bull. In this series, we will be talking about animals and how they relate to baseball players. No, really, we are. Otis Nixon is a cheetah! No, not like that. More like, if by animals I mean market trend descriptors. Yes, that totally makes more sense. No, not really. Basically, I’ll be spotlighting players every week and make a framework of where they trending, a big picture analysis type of thing. Think Sky’s Creeper of the Week, but for multiple seasons, mixed with a hint of Grey’s Buy/Sell with a touch of my manly musk and prowess. We’ll do some light bio work, have some lol’s, make some GIFs, and assess where this player is and where this player is going. In the end, you’ll learn whether or not I’m Bearish (not zesty) or Bullish (yes please) on the player. Personally, I’d always want to be the bear. A polar bear actually. All I would do is hunt for seals and fish, drink a bunch of Coke, and never fear anything. Well, except global warming I guess. And maybe acid reflux.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Last night, Dan Haren took the naysayers and said you know nay. The line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, no walks and 14 strikeouts, and, note to Scherzer, he managed 13 other outs. Good thing Haren and Pujols started clicking before the trade deadline, Arte Moreno was seen buying some leftover Vegas hotel dynamite and about to give the big poof you to the Anaheim Angels Of A 40 Minute Commute From Los Angeles. Haren showed great command and movement last night even though his velocity’s been down. I’d still bet a season ERA above 3.50, unless Haren’s traded every fifth day to the team facing the Mariners. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs. What, horsemeat? Al-Pu is made of 100% ground chuck, baby! 24 more days in a row like this, and we’re good.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Lance without an ACL isn’t NE good. With a torn meniscus, Lance Berkman is only out for six to eight weeks. “Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline. Today’s story is about an aging vet. A vet that the media began reporting as finished. Done. But where this vet saw the end, his knee saw just a setback. Also, on tonight’s Dateline: Can you get cancer from playing with your cat?” Berkman and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. Last year, he berated me in the comments for not believing in him, then disappeared this year when he wasn’t going well. I hold no ill feelings towards him. That competitive edge that drove him to compete also drove him to comment on our site. Last year, A-Rod missed 6 weeks with a torn meniscus. I’d put him and Berkman around the same level of gimpiness. So Lance B.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate. We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish. When Eric Young Jr.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Paul Konerko went 5-for-5 yesterday with his 31st homer. Paul Konerko is also winning your league for you. You had your back up against the wall. You took Hanley in the first round, Halladay in the 2nd and then you hit the 20th round and you were like, “Hmm… I totally screwed myself by not taking a 1st baseman. Do I take that guy on the Marlins with a girl’s name or should I take Konerko?” When you took Konerko, you figured you would need to trade for someone. Whoa, what’s this? Konerko’s hitting? “Hey, baby, you’re eating dinner by yourself tonight. Paul Konerko due up sixth this inning, according to Fantasycast. Now please don’t come into my man cave.” When you go to the White Sox Fantasy Camp in seven years, you can tell him how he won your league for you while ruining your marriage. These late round fliers in drafts are always so maddening. If I would’ve just took Konerko instead of Stupid-Face Headley. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. His season ERA is down to 3.87 and 12 wins is pretty good, but that’s now 8 Ks in 28 IP for August. Is there a less aptly-surnamed player in the game? Seems like Mark Crafty or Mark Wiley would be better names.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Victor Martinez left the game after fouling the ball off his foot. Wanna know our trade luck? We just traded Jason Bay, Cervelli and Mike Gonzalez for V-Mart, Boesch and Desmond. Is this karma for punting catchers in so many leagues over the years? I hate you, fantasy baseball Gods. You smite my team while I give you love. I. Give. You. Love! Oh, bee tee dubya, V-Mart’s day-to-day. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Cameron – Returning on Tuesday. Didn’t I already talk about this schomhawk? Oh, yeah, I did. (The “I did” link we lead you to the answer. If you ignore the answer, skip 7 pages ahead and slay the dragon.)
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. If you would’ve popped your head out of a DeLorean in the preseason and told me at the end of May Adrian Beltre would be hitting .335, I would’ve told you he’s headed for fantasy MVP honors. Crazy how far his power has disappeared.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Alex Trebek, “Nelson Cruz, Josh Hamilton and Ian Kinsler.” What’s the deal with all of these Rangers having all the upside in the world but not being able to stay healthy? Alex, “Um, okay, we would’ve also accepted, ‘Who are some Ranger players?’ Oh, and nice mustache.” Nelson Cruz has hit the DL five times in his short career. Always with these little niggling injuries. Shoulder fatigue this, ankle sprain that. Someone get this guy some HGH. I’d like to see a rule put into place that every player who has an injury needs to make two phone calls before they’re able to go on the DL. One phone call to discuss their injury with Cal Ripken. Another phone call to a Holocaust survivor. If they can handle the guilt and still think their injury should force them out of action, then so be it. Nelson Cruz will be out at least two weeks. Nothing you can do but DL him and try to find a decent replacement. David Murphy’s a good in-house one. Though he needs to benched by you and the Rangers vs.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Our boy Timmy took a Lincecumbacker to the knee. Not good if you’ve been riding his amazing 12-3 record (for the Giants?!?!), sub 3.00 ERA, and 10 K/9 IP. He hobbled out of the game. We’ll have to see if he’s as bad off as our other favorite Timmy but start scouting pitchers just in case.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Manny Acosta called into Razzball HQ yesterday. Here’s what he had to say, “Upon returnance, John Smoltz can have closer job back. Upon Soriano’s returnance, he can have setup role. Gonzalez wants eighth inning and lefty specialist role? He have it.Please, blog, may I have some more?