Whoever foresaw me touting Logan Forsythe as a lead Buy is either a liar or a psychic. In some circles those two are the same thing. Grandstanding like Al Pacino, “Not this circle…Hoo-ah!” Though on a completely serious tip, why are psychic stores ever empty of customers? If you know no one is coming into your store, why not close the store until you need to open it? David Blaine, your magic is real and I believe in you! But is Logan’s magic real? I hope so because I’m in a fantasy baseball strait jacket and Logan told me in my dreams that he’d help me get out of this milk can that I’m typing from. Bee tee dubya, I’m typing this from behind my back while in a strait jacket. Score one for Trey–Yrey–Where the hell is the G? In 46 games in Triple-A in 2011, Logan went 8/8 with a .445 OBP. Why I oughta kiss you! Throughout the minors, he showed similar skills. In the majors, his walking hasn’t completely translated, but he’s only 25 years old and he could have a few years of a decent average with low teen homer and mid-to-high teen speed. As of right now, he’s hitting .400 with 2 homers in the last week (at Petco, so that shouldn’t worry you). This is meant to entice you in deeper keeper leagues and shallower mixed leagues for the short term. How’d I do? Wait, don’t tell me? Let me tuess–yuess–Where’s that G!? Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell in fantasy baseball:
Cameron Maybin – It’s a monkey-fightin’ Padres day up in here, up in here. The Padre hitters must be staying at the Renaissance.
Dewayne Wise – Why do I keep talking about him? Why not grab him and find out? Why grab him if you don’t need steals? Easy with the Why’s, guy.
Chris Denorfia – Because of all of these Padre hitters in this Buy, I’m laughing like a madman and waving my hands like Henry Hill when Pesci’s going all “I’m funny how?” Denorfia needs to be platooned in and out of your lineup, but he can go to 11 on lefties.
Brandon Moss – I don’t wanna be the fly in your ointment, but Moss is probably better than that guy you have at corner infidel. You know, Moss with 18 homers in just over 200 ABs. This rolling Moss collects no rocks!
John Mayberry Jr. – Here’s something interesting, by which I mean dry and pedantic, Mayberry is owned in more than twice as many leagues as Moss because (I’m assuming) he’s a starter, but Moss has been more valuable.
Anthony Gose – You need a shot of SAGNOF right into your vein? You Bubbles’ing for steals? Then grab Gose, yo.
Brandon Belt – He’s probably been the hottest hitter out of all of these hitters, but I ask you, “You’re hot now, Belt, but how many times can you burn me?” FWIWuertz, he’s hitting near .300 in the 2nd half with very little power.
Luke Gregerson – If you want me to stop touting the Padres closer, you’ll tell your friends to pick him up so he moves above 50% owned in ESPN. It’s the only way we can survive!
Jonathan Broxton – Dusty said Broxton is unequivocally going to maybe get saves. To the point, his exact words were, “Sometimes me and him (pointing at his toothpick), we get ourselves in tight places, but pitchers’ arms are nothing to fool around with. I will do whatever I can to ease the burden on Aroldis’s arm. If that means him throwing 80 miles per hour, then I’ll have him do that while throwing batting practice for 5 hours before games.”
Ryan Cook – There’s been no official change to the closer situation in Oakland, but Balfour is back to his aptronym (Word of the Day!) ways, and the A’s are competing for a Wild Card (Wait, what? Why not just say the O’s are in first in the AL East? Or that the Nats have the best record in baseball?), so Cook may get saves if he’s lights out and Balfour is, uh, lights on.
Donovan Solano – With the lost of Redhead Kingpin and The Infante, Solano’s been playing every day and doing a fine job of it for real baseball. In fantasy, I’d like to see more steals. As you can see from our 20-day Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Zobrist and Kendrick.
Everth Cabrera – Eff me in the eff hole, just pick up the whole Padres lineup.
Jed Lowrie – Due to his injury, he may not play every day, so in the short term he may have some–Wait, the short term? There’s only a couple of weeks left. There is no long term here. Jed better find some Texas tea real quick or I can’t see owning him.
Josh Donaldson – We’ve got four Padre hitters, a couple of A’s, an Astro, a Marlin, and a Philly…And the Philly’s the worst one. It’s opposite day here at Razzball. “My name is Grey. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”
Erasmo Ramirez – He’s the kind of guy that has solid control, but not plus-K stuff. I’m surprised he’s not a Twins pitcher. Maybe in the offseason he can go to “Be A Twinkie” fantasy camp hosted by Brad Radke.
Jarrod Parker – Bee tee dubya, I’m just going by the Stream-o-Nator here. At this point in the season, you shouldn’t be looking further than a start or two into the future.
Andrew Cashner – Finally, a Padres pitcher…We’re making sense again! Whew, for a while there I thought I was running some kind of Anarchist Organization. (I contemplated not capping Anarchist Organization, but, well… Why chance it? These are the last people you want to piss off. I could see it now, Grey Albright was murdered today because he didn’t cap Anarchist. Suspects include Anarchists and Grammar Nazis.)
Jaime Garcia – He hasn’t looked consistent enough to pitch him this year. That’s a sknaht, tub on sknaht… Damn, opposite day, you’re messing with my head!
Any closer – I’m not saying you should definitely drop your closers at this point, but if you’re unable to gain a saves point and no one can catch you. There’s probably better resources out there for that spot on your roster. I’m sure you can find a Padres hitters. You feel me? Well, may as well rub my back while you’re feeling me.
Asdrubal Cabrera – I got no quarrel with Asdrubal, but his wrist is so sore the only thing it can hold is him out of the lineup. Turn of a phrase point!
Adam Dunn – You got a whole lot more from Dunn than you thought you were gonna. You guys had a good run, which is ironic because neither of you can probably jog around the block, but Dunn’s got a vague injury that they’re claiming is oblique. You know how you open the refrigerator and there’s nothing there so you close it and open it again and again and again and then you find some leftovers that end up being “still good?” Well, pretend the waiver wire is the refrigerator and find yourself some leftovers.