The Aussie, Trent Oeltjen, went 4-for-4 yesterday, after hitting three homers in four games. Wait, I know this one! Sounds like Parrot Bones? If you don’t own the guy when he’s hot, when do you own him? Will he keep this up? Can I shrug? Will I own him on many teams waiting to see how long it lasts? Why not? Can I own him and Venable and Garrett Jones all on the same team, or will the rookie nookie circle of life implode on itself? Who’s to say? Can I talk in nothing, but short questions? Maybe? (Let’s hope Oeltjen didn’t share a bed with this koala. Sorry, Michael Vick, she makes STDs look cute!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kevin Youkilis – The Greek God of Fisticuffs, apparently. (WARNING, the music comes on that video immediately and is terrible.) BTW, the only thing that homemade video is missing is for the cameraman to pull back from the TV so we can see Joel Zumaya playing Guitar Hero.
Jamie Moyer – Feels misled by the decision to bump him to the bullpen. See, the breadcrumbs of poor starts were headed to the rotation, then — bam! — in the bullpen. Moyer just can’t figure it out. Throw him a bone here, Philly. Don’t throw it too fast though, Moyer’s forty-six years old, for crying out loud. Or maybe he just reads Razzball and saw how I said him in the bullpen made no sense.
Aaron Laffey – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER. I could see owning Laffey… If he were a Padre and only started at home. Kapeesh or no kapeesh?
David Wright – DNP with a stomach flu. Okay, you got me… I’m David Wright, snitches!
Dustin Nippert – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10Ks. I wouldn’t own him with your team, just to *pinkie to mouth* Nippert that in the bud.
David Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Isn’t this the guy who starred opposite Kristen Drunkst in Crazy/Beautiful? David Hernandez will have a murderous schedule in September like rebels in Sierra Leone. (Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of Locked Up Abroad lately. Whatever you do, don’t take drugs into Bangladesh. Fo’ realz.) Do you need the ulcer that Hernandez can provide for the possible reward? Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. I wouldn’t pick him up without duress.
Tommy Hanson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. (Did everyone pitch 6 and two-thirds yesterday?) I’m still very much up in the air as to how I’m going to draft Hanson next year. Will I gamble on a Wainwright level draft pick hoping Hanson takes a big step forward? I don’t know yet. Still thinking… I’m thinking I won’t and wait until his third year.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3, and his 17th steal yesterday. You’ve been riding the …Soo Choo Train for the whole year and you gotta admit, it’s kinda boring you, right? I mean, 13 HRs and 17 steals is great, solid average, runs and RBIs, but it’s a slow moving train, ain’t it?
Randy Ruiz – HR yesterday as he was called up by the Blue Jays instead of Travis Snider. I went to school with a Randy Ruiz, nice guy, smoked a lot of pot. Actually, now that I look at Randy Ruiz’s player card, this might be him! He’s old enough. At 31, Randy Ruiz is, as Paula Dean would say, a bit overcooked, ya’ll. Randy Ruiz has some pop for AL-Only leagues and also if you need a chaperone for your real rookies. It is cool that his name only sounds right if you say the whole thing… Randy Ruiz… See?
Roy Oswalt – 5 IP, 6 ER. Come back when healthy. Somebody doesn’t know their whens.
Will Venable - HR yesterday. What does he do when he’s not hitting homers? Saves kittens from trees. Will Venable for City Councilman!
Adrian Gonzalez – 6-for-6 as the Padres (and my anus) exploded with a ton of runs yesterday.
Jake Fox – With Aramis smelling up the bench, Jakie Foxx is getting the starts (and batting 4th).
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 5 baserunners. Fister? I hardly knew… Um, yeah, he’s not worth grabbing in any leagues.
Miguel Olivo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his 16th homer yesterday. Matt Wieters did not play.
Miguel Cabrera – I put Miggy right behind Olivo, as he would’ve wanted it. What, I didn’t say anything. Cabrera was hit by a pitch on the hand. Supposedly, he should be fine.
Leo Nunez – Blew the save. Sorry for his owners, but I really want Lindstrom to get some saves.
Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks, 118 pitches vs. the Mets sans Wright. Ready for it? You know you are! Cory Sullivan, Luis Castillo, Fernando Tatis, Daniel Murphy, Jeff Francoeur, Jeremy Reed, Alex Cora and Brian Schneider with Livan Hernandez pitching. The Comatose Mets Fan just pulled his own plug.
Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners and a win to move his record to 6-6. Now keep in mind that he pitches for the Dodgers, who have won 68 games — which is a lot by this point – you would think with 6 wins, he’d be terrible this year, right? He has a flippin’ 3.43 ERA! Incredible. No wonder I’m trailing in Wins in every league.
Carlos Gonzalez – HR yesterday and batting .438 in his last 7 games. Sick of waiting for your overrated outfielder to come around, switch it up? Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 5 baserunners, 0 ER, 6 Ks. Everything in my body is saying stay away, but if you need to take a gamble, why can’t Ervin be good for the next month-plus? Well, besides that he’s been terrible for the last four months-plus.
Alex Gonzalez – 4-for-5, Without looking it up, I’m going to say four hits is the most hits he’s had in one game since grade school.
Justin Lehr – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 K. Nice! He also got carded after the game… Trying to get a senior citizen discount. Him, Randy Ruiz and Dennis Quaid should get together for The Rookie II: The Mexican Leagues.