You know how cutters cut themselves to take their mind off some pain in their life? (RIP, Frankie from The Real World… San Diego!) Well, I have an idea that major league teams can employ. They should hire absolutely terrible ex-major leaguers to make slumping hitters feel better about themselves. “Pena, you’re in a real bad slump, but imagine how I felt when I hit .195 for the better part of the 1990’s?” Wait, they already do this. They’re called major league managers. So, Carlos Pena is capable of 10+ homer months and 40 homers on the year. His average isn’t going to be good. He’s not a .170-something hitter though. Even if he hits only .210 this year. That’s a forty-something point increase from where he is. Right now, fantasy baseballers (<–my Mom’s term) aren’t just trading Pena on the low, they’re flat out dropping him. So you don’t have to buy him for a lot, you barely have to buy him for anything. You could throw a Pena owner a bag of empty pistachio shells that you already licked and they’d probably be happy to get Pena off their team. In fact, I just saw a guy walk through heavy traffic wearing a Carlos Pena jersey. Hmm… Maybe that was Carlos Pena. Come back, Pena, you’ll be better! (Note: I wrote this before I was told that Pena was a Buy Low guy at ESPN. Though I still haven’t read what they said, it makes sense when a 40 homer guy is struggling. Note from Hater Bell: Hey, Grey, you and Karabell should get a room and have sex.) Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
John Axford – Hoffman will either suddenly hang ‘em up and retire or he’ll be the closer again by the end of the month. At least that’s what my Magic Eight Ball that I purchased at Spencer’s Gifts says. In the meantime, grab Axford. He could get sloppy with his walks at some point, but he’s getting saves now. And, yes, I am an Axfordian scholar.
Bobby Jenks – Why’s he getting dropped everywhere? He’s still the closer. SAGNOF, people, SAGNOF!
Brad Lidge – Of course if you own him you’re going to wake up with night terrors, screaming Lidge’s name. Sure, there’s a good chance if he gets called into a game in Citizens Flank, a Philly fan may attack him with a blunt object, but Manuel wants Lidge to be the closer and what Manuel wants he gets, which usually just means a nice piece of straw to chew on.
Buster Posey – Here’s what I said the other day, “Capable of a .300 average and 10+ homers. He’s playing 1st base so that makes him more desirable than some other catchers because he’ll get more counting stats. Plus, he has potential for a breakout. When in doubt, go for upside. I’d grab him (in the non-perverse way) in all leagues.” And that’s me cutting and pasting me!
Kevin Kouzmanoff – Holy crap, am I really telling people to buy Kouzmanoff? See, this is the kind of thing that is going to have people digging through my transcripts from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston. Okay, I want Rolen, Glaus and about 17 other guys before Kouzmanoff, but if you’re hard up, Kouz is going off, for now that’s e’noff.
Seth Smith – Might be the least exciting name in the history of names. At least John Doe has some mystery to it. As a baseball player, Seth Smith isn’t much more exciting. He’ll sit vs. lefties, but there’s more righties, so there’s that. If you can platoon him, he has 20 homer power and a decent average.
Angel Pagan – I fully expect Pagan to be unownable soon enough, but I actually grabbed this guy last week in a few leagues and damned if this Pagan ain’t doing the devil’s work.
Mike Stanton – I’ve spoken about how wild this turkey can be at length. You click now. You’re welcome.
John Ely – He’s only owned in 58% of ESPN leagues, but 40% of ESPN are abandoned, which means he’s available in 2% of leagues. That’s still too high.
Max Scherzer – People seem slow to re-add him. Aw, you’ve been wounded. Your psyche is hurt. Is it your ego? I got crocodile tears and they’re running down the side of my jowls. Just grab Scherzer again.
Brett Cecil – Yeah, I don’t like AL East matchups either. Yeah, I wouldn’t start him against the Yankees tonight eye-there. Cecil still has 40 Ks and 12 BBs in 49 2/3 IP. His BABIP is a little low, but I’d still own him and sit him for certain aforementioned matchups.
Carlos Monasterios – His last name is Spanish for “spot starter with a chance for morios.” It doesn’t translate that well.
Grady Sizemore – Yeah, sucks you’re losing your 2nd round pick, but I wouldn’t hold him unless I had a DL spot, and, even then, there’s probably a better DL grab off waivers.
Kendry Morales – See 1/8th an inch above. Or read backwards until you read “LLES” then go forward again.
Austin Jackson – He’s top ten for Ks in the major leagues and his BABIP is Simple Jack-ish.
Matt Cain – Another year, another Matt Cain-is-getting-too-lucky-to-sustain-his-numbers post. His Ks have actually gone down this year and he’s getting insanely lucky, even compared to last year. Cain’s able, but not this much.
Aaron Hill – Whoa, Grey, you are out of line! Hill’s actually hitting right now. I know, Random Italicized Voice, but that’s why you should start exploring trade offers. I GOTTA SIDE WITH THE R.I.V. HERE. MY FANTASY BASEBALL ‘PERT DONE GONE CRAZY! Okay, Mr. Caps, let me at least speak. SAY YOUR PIECE. People are starting to think Hill is coming around and he might be, but everyone is starting to think Hill’s coming around. So his value has actually gone up after floating around in the john for two months. He still dealt with a hamstring injury that has recurred once already. That injury could return at any time. He will hit better than his current .188, but he’s not having a career year again. He had that last year. People might actually think he can do it again now that he is hitting. You know you done messed up when you drafted him and now’s the time when you might actually get some value back. Don’t trade Hill for a melted Coolatta, but explore offers.